Dementia and presence of mind in public. Is it normal?

It's normal for my MIL. Everyone thinks she is so nice and sweet. But she also unleashes on my sister-in-law when she gets her alone. That was her personality all her life, so dementia doesn't have a lot to do with it in her situation. I'm not sure, but early on in dementia, I suppose they can control it a little. Even my mother-in-law will now say inappropriate things out in public. She's had this for about 7 years and it's getting worse, so it makes sense that her impulsiveness and lack of judgement are going to start showing.

Public and private behavior being different is very common in dementia. At least in the early stages they may be able to put forth great effort and appear normal for limited periods of time. This is called "showtiming" and it can even fool doctors, especially if they have not been informed by caregivers what is really going on in private. The effort to "showtime" can take a lot out of them, and they may be wiped out or excessively crabby after getting through it. The ability to do this diminished so it can't be done for as long, or as often, until eventually showtime can't be done at all.

Showtime is not a bad thing. I think it is great if they can hold it together long enough to attend a grandchild's graduation, or to have a pleasant conversation with a visitor.

But showtiming can be very frustrating for caregivers. First, if the loved one can be that nice to the visitor, why can't she be that nice to me? Sorry, no can do. The "normal looking" behavior is an exception. The dementia behavior is now the norm. We can't expect exceptions to go on all day everyday. That truly is beyond their control.

And also, it is hard on the caregiver's credibility. Early in my husband's dementia my sisters would visit for brief periods and go away thinking, "Well, he is not so bad. I'm surprised Jeanne is having such a hard time dealing with this." Argh! Caregivers need validation, too, and to have outsiders think we are exaggerating or just plain wimpy is not pleasant!

My suggestion is to enjoy each episode of showtiming as it occurs. Since there is nothing you can do to change this, bask in her niceness in public. Just realize the on-and-off "normal" behavior is the exception and it has nothing to do with whom she loves best or who deserves her best behavior.

Jeanne, how did you learn about this? I see some of this with my mother but didn't know it was an actual behavior. I have noticed when others are not around she will go on very nasty tirades about people. She was being very "on" when the therapists doing her evaluation to release her to return home from rehab were with her. She is very "on" when she visits the doctor. She is less "on" around her home care nurse so this is probably a good thing, or the nurse sees through the manipulation.

From my personal, frustrating experience I'd say yes. My Mother is perfectly lucid and sharp when in public, but her back home, and it's back to "I can't hear" (she can perfectly when in public), answers with an inappropriate answer totally unrelated to the question, can't change the TV channels (when she knows how) because she wants attention, will a find a reason that you never have time to take care of yourself if you try to accommodate the "I want, I want, I want", has a "rush-job" to get into the bathroom while you are in the middle of a 16 minute shower session (I have moved all my necessary stuff to the basement bathroom), etc.

My Mom exhibits this showtiming behavior also. I think it is exhausting for her and that is probably why she is constantly feeling that she wants to be left alone. She lets loose verbally when I call her (which is the only way we can communicate as I live cross country from her).

She is pushed to her emotional limit when the caregivers, nurses or doctors want to examine her. She won't let them touch her. They have on at least on one occasion given her an anti-anxiety medication prior to a Doctor visit and it didn't help relieve her anxiety.

It is sad to listen to, but when I discuss her behavior with the staff, they tell me Mom is always pleasant and funny and they enjoy her. Thank God for that. I don't mind if she blows off steam to me, if it makes life easier to deal with. Now that I think about this, she has always been that way. Way nicer in public than behind closed doors. Mom has had dementia for several years but has always managed to keep it together. Good luck.

This is a well-documented aspect of dementia. My aunt is 95 & 99% of the time she is sweet and funny -- but there is that 1%! The other day, in fact, we were going up the wide, cement steps into the yard when she suddenly decided that her legs didn't work. (They had worked fine at day care). She began to sag & throw herself backwards, which is frustrating because she did this to me once and I ended up with a concussion. So I kept pushing her forward, encouraging her to push open the gate, while she's screaming that her legs don't work. I managed to get her in the yard and onto a chair -- where she immediately began to complain that it was too hot, there was too much sun. But wouldn't take the last 3 steps into the house. I ran in, got her sun hat, ran back in, called a CNA friend who happens to live nearby and who happened to be home. Let us thank God for small favors! Angela came over right away and, as soon as my aunt saw her, she stood up, put her arm through Angela's, and walked easily into the house. As they entered, she said to me over her should, "Why you don't get her something to drink?" Thank God too for eyes that roll. My new motto, which I highly encourage caregivers to repeat 1million times a day: Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not get bent out of shape.

Yesterday my Mom stsrted her hatefulness around 2ish. By 8:30, I had lost my patienece. I said some mean things back to her. She wished me dead, spit in my face and had me crying for hours. I locked myself in my room to try and defuse her, that did not work. She would just pound on teh door until I opened it. I have an appointment today with Adult Psyciatric in hope of getting her on the proper meds to tame her. I really do Love my Mom. This morning when she got up, I was sitting on the couch with my heds on my forehead looking at the carpet. She asked me what was wrong, Do oyu have aheadache honey? Can i get you some asprin? She put her hands on my face, looked at me and said, Honey dont cry, I love you. You willl get a job ( I was laid off a few weeks back). She was my loving Mom again. I have felt so guilty all night for my treatment back at her. I do not know how to control it. I reached my limit yesterday. I even pinched her to try and shut her mouth up.

This is teh hardest thing I have ever had to do. I feel my sanity slipping away. I never knew I could ever hate my Mom just for a few moments. But lyesterday, I did. Ths disease is so damn ugly and sad. My number 1 support system has been my Mom. My Mom is already dead. The person in her now is a stranger to me. I wish, and prey, for the strength to help my Mom live the rest of her life with dignity and love .....I miss my Mom so much....

Lost is California....

Waverun- the public/private dichotomy sounds more like narcissistic personality disorder. My mother is exactly the same. Gracious in public, miserable to me at home. The other issue is the dementia, which is not controllable by public/private situations. The dementia pops up like people have said here, a low percentage of the time and seems to be fueled by frustration- it can happen in public or private.

Waverun, I think we all have been through a similar situation. I think the worst feeling was of the pure hatred I felt towards my mom early in her diagnosis or just before we confirmed she had dementia. I fell into a depression after that, I suppose that's when the grieving for my old mom started. Since those dark months, the right meds, commiserating with other caregivers, I have started to totally enjoy those hours or days when my real mom is back with me. But then I cry again because I know the roller coaster we are all on. This disease is the worst I believe. Hold on tight to your friends or family or websites like this one...they will keep you from becoming too lost.

Before my Dad's dementia got really bad, I would take him and my Mom shopping and out to eat and to the Doctor. He always pointed out overweight or very tall people. He was very loud, flirted with all the waitress, and would stop to talk to anybody anywhere but especially people with babies, little kids, and other women. He was funny but it was embarrasing. One time when Mom had to go to the Doctor and my Grandson came with, he got riled up and starting saying "yahoo" louldly and many times. My Grandson and I just cracked up laughing when it happened and whenever we talk about. Thank goodness my Mom was in with the Doctor because she would have been reall upset. Guess you'd have to have been there to know how funny it really was. Before he went to AZL unit, his dementia he was so hard and difficult to take care of at home. My Mom was a nervous wreck trying to take care of him, watch him, and do normal house and yard work.

MIL showtimes for an entire weekend (or realitves are lying) They swear there is nothing wrong with her ( cause they spend at least two days + alone with her their reasoning is is "How can it be a showtiming for that long? She can't be that bad right?") When they leave she's a mess...Diarrea or severe constipation (9 days last time) her blood sugar levels are all over the place...and sometimes she just stares till I nudge her to bring her back.... it takes sometimes 2 weeks to get her back on routine and reponsive. I have had to make arrangements to sleep over with her when the diarrea was so bad I didn't want to leave her alone. The family doesn't believe me. I want her to have full time care or at least more care....she can afford it...they won't let me spend the money and she doesn't want stranges in the house. So I guess it's when something really bad happens is when she'll get the care she needs...It's ridiculous...Meanwhile I don't sleep at night.

Waverun-I'm sorry you're going through this but it sounds like you're living with my mother. I have only had her here for 5 weeks, but my sanity has been tested almost daily. It seems she conviently forgets what she puts me through. Quagmire says narcissistic and I agree. My mother is not the person I knew for the past 74 years. Even her body movements have changed. And she's sneaky, and she steals, and she's short tempered. I'm so confused. All of the things I did as a kid that were unexceptable are now her new babits. Going outside and leaving the door open, leaving lights on in rooms, not flushing the toilet, leaving messes on the counter, etc. I can't be myself around her at all. She doesn't like what I watch on tv or listen to on the radio. I was watching Funniest Home Videos trying to cheer myself up, and all throught the show all I heard was "That's not funny that's not funny". I go in the bathroom so I can cry and she yells for me. I took her to my regular MD and she acted normal and passed the mental questions and I could have screamed foul ball! So I feel defeated. She realizes there is a problem and sometimes asks me not to put her away. I have to promise her I wont. I just don't know what to do.

Waverun: you said one true thing and one not true thing. The not true thing is that your mother is dead. As you are finding out, what you give her, you get back 100-fold. She is your mother and you can't just love her when she's nice. You need to get educated about this disease and take appropriate steps. If you are at the point of physically abusing your mother (pinching her), then this is a red zone case and you need to take steps now. Hopefully the folks you met with today can help you (and her). There are all kinds of books and support groups and internet groups (like this one) to lean on. You're stressed because you don't have the skills yet. (Most of us start with The 36-Hour Day, and also Pathways for Caregivers by Gail Sheehey).
The true thing you said? This is the hardest thing you've ever had to do. Hard, but not impossible.

lillylilly, the first time I heard of "show-timing" by dementia patients was in a caregivers' support group. I found it very helpful to realize that this behavior is so common there is a name for it. It wasn't just something I was imagining or that my husband was inventing. It is how the brain works under certain cirsumstances.

Sandfox, the demands they make on us are exhausting, aren't they? It is possible that your mother is seeking attention by her behavior, and I guess that in itself can be part of some kinds of dementia. It is also possible that the nearly unbelievable fluctuations in abilities are part of the dementia. It can really help our understanding (and coping skills!) to know what kind of dementia our loved one has, and what is "normal" for that. As I understand it, in Alzheimer's the patient losses larger and larger blocks of memories over time. For a while they may be living in their own 40s, then their 30s, etc. When they are in their childhood in their minds, then "childish" behavior like attention-getting behavior can be common. Lewy Body Dementia does not have this gradual and predictable going backwards in time, but it has pretty amazing fluctuations in cognitive abilities. Some days my husband can use the remote, and some days he simply cannot. This has got nothing to do with wanting attention in his case -- his brain functioning is just that variable. Poor dear can't help it, and he'd desperately like to be independent in using the tv. The bathroom rush jobs are very real and very sad for everyone concerned. The brain simply can't process the signal from the bowels or kidneys in a timely manner. I try to take this in stride and when I need to help clean up after the rush wasn't fast enough I try to be reassuring and let my husband know this is not his fault or any big disaster. (MInd you, what I am saying may not exactly match what I am feeling, but my calm acceptable is good for both of us.)

Joyce, it is sometimes hard to distinguish between dementia behavior and just more of same from lifelong habits. In a way ( a LIMITED way), having the difficult behaviors come out at home can be lucky. One caregiver in my local group had a husband who was as nice as pie at home alone with her. But he had aggression and other unacceptable behaviors in his day program and had to be withdrawn. She's glad he's pleasant with her but not particularly glad she has to be with him around the clock!

quakerite, I, too, thank the gods for eyes that roll!

Waverun, I am so glad you have an appointment with Adult Psychiatric for her today and I sincerely hope that helps you both. Might I also suggest getting some counselling for yourself? As you recognize, you have experienced painful losses. And there is no recognized way to mourn. No one is sending flowers, there was no little notice in the paper, friends aren't dropping in to hug you and offer a hot dish or a bowl of Jell-o with fruit cocktail. And yet your number one support system is dead. How very very hard dementia is on the family! I know that you REALLY do not want to pinch your mother or take your frustrations out on her in any way. You deserve some counselling to help you manage these very challenging situations. And please stop back and let us know how the appoint went.

Quagmire, you are definitely correct that a difference between public and private behavior is not limited to dementia, and narcissistic personality disorder is notorious for it. But in the early stages a dementia patient can control behavior in short bursts, usually reserved for public display. They can, with great effort, pull their act together for a visitor or a doctor, etc. This is not narcissistic on their part, and it is how they'd like to be all the time, but cannot sustain it. I feel really and truly sorry for family members of someone with narcissistic personality disorder who also develops dementia. OMG!

vhope00, dementia gets my vote for the worst disease also! I am so glad you are now able to enjoy the moments when your Real Mom is present. Many caregivers say that is what keeps them going.

greatat61, I can relate to your mom, both in her embarrassment over inappropriate behavior and in her being a nervous wreck trying to take care of him. I hope that now that she doesn't have to do the hands-on caregiving and that he is in a place where he behavior is understood she is able to relax a little and enjoy any moments when her Real Husband is present.

Next week our daughter and I are taking my husband on a week-long cruise. I know that he will be show-timing like crazy and will be on his best behavior. I also don't expect he can sustain that for a whole week. I am printing up some business card sized notices that say "Thanks for you patience. My husband has Lewy Body Dementia" (with a set for daughter, too.) If there are instances where his lack of inhibition might offend or hurt someone this small explanantion might help smooth it over. I have not tried this yet, but another caregiver in my group used the idea on a trip. She only handed out a couple of cards but was glad she had them. I really believe that most people are very kind when they realize we caregivers are coping with something that can't be helped. I'll report back if we need to use the cards!

My mom died of dementia related complications in 2011. We actually lost her...the mother I knew...probably a year before that. Thank God, she never got hateful or acting odd with anyone in the family or otherwise, in public or not. Besides her behavior alone with my father, she acted the same with me and family as she did with friends and strangers, at home and in public. However, she went through a whining stage and would do it only with my father when alone with him at home.

This led to him slapping her (his words) when "she wouldn't shut up". My father didn't/couldn't deal well with the extra responsibilities he had to take-on (which she had done for years), or the extra care she needed, or the changes that came with the disease and her. He could never comprehend the disease, referring to the situation as..."she's just being stubborn."

If others here have a similar situation where one parent is caring for another with dementia or Alzheimer's, be aware that caregivers, young or old, can be driven to anger, resentment, neglect and quite possibly abuse. It's understandable. This ugly disease can bring out the ugly in even the most patient and docile and loving person providing care or attention...behind closed doors...

I have learned alot today reading these responses. I can relate to most here. I do not have the skills yet to take care of my Mom they way she deserves. I guarantee, as of this moment, I am committed to get all of the help and knowledge I need to make her life better and mine. It starts now. I will not let her down nor will I allow myself to let myself down.

Thank you all for the rsponses..I will check back in. Bless our parents as they are so helpless and lost too.

Look up the word "confabulation"... in healthcare we use this term for patients with dementia but with somewhat of an awareness that they have it or that things are slipping. They are able to muster up enough resources to give socially appropriate responses such "How are you today" or "fine weather we're having", usually many of these kinds of statements are enough to help them get by as appearing to have their act together. Then their reality is they cannot sustain this for a long period of time and then they are "found out". Especially when pointing it out, it is met with resentment and anger. Certainly the people they are most comfortable around are the ones that become the subject of that anger.

My mother really is the sweetest woman, but 7 years ago when my Dad passed away (she was incredibly dependent) she shut her brain off and has lived with me since. As time has progressed it has gotten harder and harder because of the dementia. She can't bathe herself properly anymore so I have to help with that, she can't actually wipe her seat anymore when she goes to the bathroom so I have to go with her and do that, etc. As it goes on and the list gets longer and longer of things I have to do for her I get more and more tired. It feels like the walls are closing in on me. My Husband and I literally go to work and take care of Mom. We have no life anymore. I read what you guys write and I think, thank GOD someone else understands how I feel. I've just come back from a week of vacation with my Mom and I feel like I didn't have any vacation at all.

God bless you all and I'm praying for you if you will pray for me!

Ah yes, they can sure "rise to the occasion"! "Showtiming" is even a better name for it. My mom could do it too, now she even flirts with the doctors; thank God they understand. She has had her thyroid meds tweaked several times lately, because it seems to build up after a while. The higher dose really causes her to be terrified, anxious, unable to sleep & lose weight. Sure hope it balances out real soon, pretty rough on us caregivers...AND sadly on her. Poor lady, she's a 91 year old widow who surely didn't think this awful disease would ever happen to her; and now she doesn't know it has (blessing in disguise).

To Waverun: get as much help as you can, take breaks, pray a lot and TRY to get enough sleep. Hope some meds help her calm down some, but sooner or later, you (alone) won't be able to give her what she needs. We can't "fix" them as much as we try. I struggle with trying to be in "her world", but it's easier on us both when I do! :-)

bekwalk, I am so sorry that you are dealing with these common behaviors of dementia. This disease is extremely hard on family members and caregivers! Narcissistic personality disorder is a well-defined mental illness. It has its onset in adolesence or young adulthood and remains fairly constant. The fact that your mother is newly displaying these symptoms in her 70s indicates that you are not dealing with narcissistic personality disorder (in my lay opinion). Mother may indeed be very self-centered, as a three-year-old is, as part of her dementia.

Do you know what kind of dementia Mother most likely has? Have you had discussions with her doctor? I think you'll feel much more comfortable in your caregiving role as you learn what to expect and ways to minimize her impact on your well-being. I won't promise you that you'll never lock yourself in the bathroom and cry again, but the caregiving role can get better, even though your mother will not.

Best wishes to you, bekwalk,!

Lovestinks, you've got some additional issues here and I think other members could give you useful input. I suggest the you start a new thread of your own so that peole with insight on the "they won't let me spend the money" issues might weigh in.

Some information to include: Who has POA? Who are these relatives that won't let the money be spent?

A weekend is a long time to "show-time" and if it is happening, it is no wonder that it takes her a long time to get back to "normal" for her. I wonder if it is partly show-timing and partly wishful thinking on the relative's part. The longer they can deny the problems, the more justified they can feel about not spending the money. By the way, are these folks by any chance expecting to inherit from MIL?

Been there with the 'show timing' several times with the mnl. ah!!! The best thing some of y'all can do is educate, educated and educated yourself as much as possible. go to the www.alz.org and type in your zip code for your local chapter to talk to them n explain you r new at this n need all the information you can get that could help you understand Alzheimers. A book called, the 36-Hour Day by Peter Rabin is a very great book. I call it my second bible n don't know what I would have done if someone on this site had not mention it. Plus, there are a lot of people who can help give advice and you can Vent..... Life is not perfect so try to breathe n go with the flow. put on some head phones n listen to music if repeated quwstion r driving u nuts. Get a white eraser board n write down stuff so when they repeat, u can just point n of course u will have to see if they can read it for a few of them don't have a very good education. Try not to take it personally n breathe.

Excellent suggestion, lildeb. Calling the local chapter of ALZ Org is a great starting point. They've been around longest, they are in the most locations, and they have valuable resources and services for any one dealing with dementia.

Many aspects of dementia behavior, such as delusions or show-timing or sundowning, are not limited to a single kind of dementia.

Alzheimer's is the most widely known form of progressive dementia, but it accounts for only about 60% of all cases. That means that nearly half of the dementia caregivers on this site are dealing with some other kind of dementia. That doesn't mean we can't learn anything from the ALZ organization. I just mention this because if you find information about Alzheimers that just doesn't fit your loved one, don't be surprised or dismayed. Your loved one may have a different type of dementia. Take what fits and works for you.

And I agree with you, lildeb. Education is the single most valuable tool in caring for someone with any kind of dementia.

Why thank you so much. I have no idea what type of dementia my mnl has for all we were told is that she had AD and that was two yrs ago. I know that my mnl don't have all the symptoms from the Alz.org but it did give me some helpful resources n so did the Area Aging Agency too nof course on here. My eyes r getting blurry due to the med for acid reflux. doc got me taking a whole pill at night n I always take a half one before each meals. (levsin sl). The dr said I won;'t be reading anything while sleeping so he makes sense n half tabs don't do it as much. Plus I take Achiphex as well. gotta go n thanks.

Waverun and all,
My mother awakens in a sweet mood and then turns into a monster. Insults me, calls me ugly, skinny, tells me she wants me dead of a terrible disease. Sometimes it goes on all day long. I, too am lost. I close my bedroom door and keep my two little dogs in with me when she has these outbursts. She bangs and bangs, slams her mini walker into the door, I sit on the floor with my feet against the door, praying she goes away, perhaps forever. She turns the bathroom light off while I'm taking a bath (the switch is outside the door). I had to buy a lamp to keep in the bathroom. She, too, was my best friend, my only support system. The only difference is my mother doesn't care when I place my hands on my head, all she cares about is herself and the so called "person I am suppose, here to strictly take care of her." Ouside the apartment, she's still crazy. When we take a cab somewhere she calms down. She has been a horror show to every doctor we've seen. She's OK with her PCP, but that was over a month ago. She hits the woman that does her hair and uses foul language. Says terrible things to the hha and then apologizes when we tell her what she's done. I spoke to her psychiatrist today and he said to increase the resperdol to 2 (0.25mg) three times a day. The HHA just left and my darling mother just scratched my hand badly. I really think this pill is making her worse sometimes and I told him that. I have two job interviews tomorrow. Nice, scratches on my arms and hands. Something has to give. I really don't want her around anymore. She's too bitter and hateful. Of course there are those moments of, "Oh honey, you look so tired, why don't you rest for a while." Thank goodness she is now in her bedroom lying down. The psychiatrist told me that this causes her pain too, that is why it's best to try to calm her down. I pray to god that my little dogs and I survive this never ending nightmare. She said this to me last night, "I don't know what's wrong with me, I am just not right." This disease is worse then then any disease known to man.

Wow, Georgie, what a nightmare. Hardly know where to start. Has she been to a gerontologist who specializes in dementia? Is there an Alzheimer's & Dementia Association nearby? Can you talk to someone in the State dept of health? You need help fast. This isn't going to go away and you can't lock yourself away from it. You're going to need medical and legal advice. And, you're right, it's a terrible disease. But you can't let it take her AND you. Try reaching out to some organization and let us all know what happens and what you decide to do. Praying for you. (Margie)

Here are two important truths in your post, georgi:
This disease is worse than any disease known to man.

Something has to give.

This is painful to Mother, too. She can't help it. You love her. But the bottom line is that no one has to tolerate abuse. You are being abused and something has to give. I know that adjusting her medications is one attempt at making something give. But it is not sufficient. Something else seriously has to give.

Forgive me if you've told us this before. I participate in a lot of threads and my memory isn't as keen as it once was. (Is dementia contageous?) Why are you and your mother living together? What alternatives have you explored?

My mother was living independently until June of last year. We moved to a 2 bedroom/2 bathroom apartment with a pool and gym downstairs. I felt that the pool and gym would be great for her, since she loves them both. I got her HHAs for 9 hours a day. She wasn't very happy with someone around her for that long, but I had to work. She would cry and call me constantly when I was working. I got fired for this. Yes, we should not be living together,defintely not,and yes I shouldn't be taking this abuse. I do call the Alz hotline often and they tell me what to do (such as take her out for a walk, stay calm, don't give in to her and argue back. I have the HHA who is coming in early tomorrow to stay with her until I get back from my interviews. I am in touch with an ALF in Florida who will try to get her assessment done where we live now, so not to make too many trips down there. I promised my mother "never a nursing home, never." I've written about this before. One psychiatrist told me that I must try to take my promise back and eventually that is where she will end up. If the ALF does not accept her, I am not sure what will happen. She has told me she will die if she goes to a NH. She was with my brother for two months and he threatened to send her to one. I jumped on the plane and took my mom back, got her own apartment,and everything was good, sort of. She's been through a lot of hell in the past three years with my family. I can't mention it all. Something will happen before July 1st. Hopefully, an assisted living. She can't afford a Memory center, so out of question. I have people working with me online to help me find a place. I really believe it is the enviornment, not doing things outside, not going to movies, eating out like she was doing in the past. She's so angry, and feels as though she's in jail. I pray to G that the ALF accepts her. I will move close by when I can, since there is no other family. It's just so hard. People warned me. Let me tell you how many times I was told to place her in a nursing home. She's my mother, has a horrific disease, can be dangerous, but it passes. I leave and go to the lobby or walk my dogs if it's early enough. By the time I come back, she is in a really good mood. The rage has ended. I think sometimes it's my unhappiness not having a life, having no job because of her, not having time to take care of my own health, and having the worst brother and sister anyone can have that makes things worse. We will survive, all of us. I just don't want those scratches. I don't take the insults personally, because I know it's the disease. I feel so sad that I made my own bed and can't sleep in it now. It was a big mistake to think I was strong enough to live with her. Just the worst mistake of my life. But, she's always been my best friend. I am afraid to place her in the hospital for medication adjustment. I am an RN who has seen and taken care of many geriatric patients who families have deserted them. I have also seen some brutal things go on in these places. It's not in my heart to send her to one. I want her short life to be a happy one and I'm not making it happy. I'm doing more harm then good, by not going out with her to a restaraunt, to a movie. I'm just so exhausted from everything. She won't kill me, I won't ever harm her. I worry about my little lovely pooches, but she loves them. I have heard some awful stories about dementia and how outbursts can lead to death. That is why I have a lot of support from the psychiatrist. I don't believe in drugs, I think it makes people worse sometimes, but her outbursts were too much to handle. I believe that the environment change will be good for her, they work with her, get her settled, she'll make friends, they don't push, she'll be happier in her last years of her life going to activities, having great meals every day. That's what makes my mother happy. Not sitting aroung an apartment all day long.

Yes my dad does this too. I didn't know exactly what to call it but "showtime" sums it up pretty well. He is perfectly nice and mannerly and polite to his docs or anyone else but the minute we get him back in the car the show stops and he reverts back to his "new normal" which is very bossy and uncooperative. In the past year or so my dad has had two ER visits. Both of these visits resulted in new medicines being added to his daily regiment. He sat as the ER doc explained how to take his meds and nodded agreement that he understood everything. As soon as he got back home he refused the new meds. He tells us he is a "big, strong man" and the he "doesn't need anyone to tell him how to care for himself." When we have tried to explain this behavior to his doc he just looks at us like we are crazy and making stuff up. Even though we have explained this personality change to him numerous times, the doctor is completely clueless to dad's real demeanor at home. This is so frustrating sometimes. My sister and I feel dad needs to be on medication to help him with anger and anxiety but nobody will listen to us because he is able to "showtime" so sucessfully for short periods of time. It does take a lot of energy for him to put on this show. After any errand or doctor visit he always wants to go straight home. We can tell the whole experience wears him out. It also seems like his ability to maintain his "show" is getting shorter and shorter. While I would hate for anyone to see dad at his worst, I kind of do wish his doctor could get a glimpse of what we truly deal with when we get dad back home and out of the spotlight. Maybe then he would understand.

Wow..I am so glad I found this website. I actually feel less frustrated as I read others expierences. We are all in a nightmare and trying to do the right thing for our loved one. This is so damn challenging and exhausting to all of us caretakers. There is a reson we are being so tested. This tests every pices of ones character. My Mom gas always told me. " What does not kill you, will make you stronger"

Bless all of us caretakers.