Is it the dementia or is Mom trying to manipulate us to get her out of the rehab center?

Taking your mom out of rehab and bringing her home only to put her back in 3 months later should not be an option. She's there now and you can work with the facility's social worker on keeping her there. If you bring her home you will never get her to voluntarily go back and you will have to wait for some major health crisis that puts her in the hospital in order to get her back into the facility. On the practical side, your mom can't afford to live at home anymore because it would cost $13,000/month for around the clock care.

As for what to do about the phone calls, that's tough. I understand. My dad did the same thing. He wasn't begging to come home as much as he would call at midnight and tell me he couldn't find his pants. We had put his cell phone in his room and I would buy minutes for him. Once his minutes ran out I didn't buy anymore. Harsh? Maybe. But as you said the daily phone calls were killing me. And my dad couldn't work the phone and he'd call and I'd hear him cussing in the background because he thought he couldn't get me on the phone and I'd be screaming into the phone: "DAD!!!! DAD!!!! DAD!!!!" It was a mess. If he needed to reach me he could go down to the nurses station and they would give him the phone but he never did this once we let the minutes on his phone run out. I was at the NH all the time and I'd call him when it was convenient for me (keeping in mind meal times and change of shift). This pacified him and he could no longer reach me for "emergencies" like losing his pants (he was probably wearing them). And the NH was good about calling me if something was going on with my dad.

Definitely get your mom evaluated for dementia and start a conversation with the social worker in the facility about how to keep your mom there. Don't let your mom know you're doing this until there are solid plans in place. Deal with one thing at a time.

Have a long talk with the PT staff about your mom's prognosis. If she gets on board with participating in rehab, do they feel she could be 'AL ready' at the end of her time there?
ALs vary in the amount of care and supervision they provide. Some require residents to be pretty independent, others accept pretty frail residents (within the boundaries of their license). An AL is much less expensive than a SNF and a fraction of the cost of 24/7 home care. Your mom's money would last longer and it would be a much better environment - home is boring and lonely, SNFs are filled with mostly very impaired residents. At an AL, she could form friendships and have a social life.
Make sure you and the staff have the same message – she WILL NOT be leaving there until she progresses enough to leave. You may want to keep the discussion about where she's moving to until she's closer to discharge.

All of the previous suggestions are good. In addition, make sure that she is getting good care by making visits at different times of the day. Sometimes a patient with dementia will complain and everyone attributes it to the dementia, when there may be something else going on. Don't forget you are your Mother's best advocate.

In my area, southeastern PA, there is a wide spectrum in the amount of care an AL will take on. The license allows pretty comprehensive care (with some important exceptions - like life support). It's pretty much up to each facility to decide how "frail" they want to go and/or how many frail residents at a time they can take. The care is billed in levels, defined by an assessment. Here in my area, you could get a private room in a nice AL with the highest level of care for about $6,000/month. The base rents start at around $3,500.
Your mom's condition, age, and development of pneumonia are all pointing towards her staying right where she is, but that said, I've seen 92 year-olds bounce back from some pretty precarious situations. You're better off having a plan in place to be ready for that possibility.

Your Mother's 92 yrs old.She's scared and affraid to be made to stay in the center for good.That's normal and who wouldn't be affraid of that.Hospitalized 3 times in the last year I would say it's time to find her a home.

Something tells me that if you take her out, it'll be a lot harder getting her back in there...

First of all, set up a regular time you'll talk to your mom and then don't take her calls at other times. She's in a safe environment, so she doesn't need to be calling and crying to you multiple times a day. If she breaks that calling/crying cycle, she just may be able to focus on her therapy and strength.

I'm sure she'd rather be with you, but with her medical history, she's better off being in a facility with 24/7 care with a change of shifts (and not you on 24-hour care). It's tough, but you're doing what's best (safest, healthiest) for your mom. I'd start looking for assisted living places for her now, so that when she's done with rehab, you have a good place to take her.

Gosh, a few months ago I was in your shoes (as were many here) over my father. Different gender, same story. He wanted to go AWOL on the rehab facility and it was very tough because the place was hard even for me to deal with. I also couldn't bring him home -- it was just beyong my capability. So the rehab made a deal to release him and I told him that "they will only release you if you go to a living facility" and did so under the guise of "I need either get a vacation for a week or a nervous breakdown. pick one" but that I could enjoy vacation unless I knew he was okay. he agreed to stay for a month, after lots and lots of noise "get me out of HERE" I had to stay strong. it is expensive for adult living, but it is more expensive (only a millionaire could afford expensive) for home 24/7 care. I just had to stand firm and not take the calls when he called, telling him that when I checked the message on the line it was too late to call and living through the guilt he gave me because I ddint return the call. Slowly, slowly you will pull away from the guilt circle cause if you don't you will lose yourself, your identity and your will to live. Before I determined that my story was NOT different than those around me, I crashed, hit the bed and lay there for 10 days. hubby brought me food and I showered every few days. but I shut down. hubby finally said "you going to lay there and die or are you going to get up and do something about it?" the combination of the love and support I feel on this site and his stern-ness and insistence drove me out of bed, on my feet, with the understanding that coming home is NOT an option for dad for so many reasons and I just had to know that in my gut. He cant even come for visits because I am afraid it will trigger him.

The fact that you found this site will mean a lot. Stay close. Read everyday. There is so much to learn.

As I read these replies, I realized how fortunate I am to be embraced by dozens of people than don't know me, but know me far better than most. it moves me and it sorts out the tricks from reality.

Their is alcoholism in my family. I wondered whether I was affected, so I checked into it. I was told, "if you are even here to consider it, then just stop drinking" I will say to you "if you even THINK your mother has dementia, then at 92, she does. And like so many has told you, you cant trade your life in for hers. Its hard. It hurts. You feel guilty. You feel inadequate. These are feelings we have all gone through. You can either get through them by standing in your truth or you can go to bed and never get up. Tough love....but there are no other choices.

Find a caregiver group in your community. They are available free of charge at almost every living facility and hospital. They will show you what is coming down the pike, so to speak.

Thanks everyone for your input and your own heart breaking experiences. It really helps. So yesterday I was convinced mom wanted to stop therapy and just die.. and then I told my sister that we should perhaps move to that next step. Both her and I were very teary-eyed and upset with that prospect. My sister didn't want to go visit mom today fearing she'd be just crying. So today after many, many, many calls, I decided to stop in and see what all the drama was about. She seemed fine... her aides said she was doing well, but had a few moments of agitation. By her calls, it sounds like life or death. Again mom and I talked, heart to heart. I felt last time she told me what she really wanted, but today she said she wanted to go home and what did she have to do. I told her to get her therapy so she could walk. We talked indepth about what happened to her that landed her there etc. I keep thinking mom really gets it, but now I realize she changes her thoughts from day today. I called my sister to tell her about my visit. I said you know we should just go with the flow and not make any changes in her rehab therapy. I thought mom was really with it when she told me she wanted to just die, but now I don't think so. I think we should just let things play out and make no decisions. Well on a good note, my sister and I aren't all boo hooing worrying about mom dying now. So now we just have to put up with all the calls about how bad things are. I am not sure which is the better trade off, but I'd rather have mom bothering me then talking about death. lol

The first step should be to consult her doctor. The doctor will have seen this before and know how to proceed. Perhaps he can prescribe an anti-anxiety medication to help take the edge off her stress. The suicide/wish to die phrase could be a manipulation or be real depression. She needs to be evaluated by a trained physician. Once you get a doctor to help advise you, you will feel much better. Don't do anything until you see a doctor. Good Luck.