Why can't my dementia Mom focus on anything for very long?

GardenArtist,

Thanks for clarifying and sharing your experience. We worked at having a house that was wonderful to come home to and be in. Living here was an nice experience, not just a place to hang your hat, sleep and leave to go somewhere better. It was nice. Understand my environment is gone. Between some caregivers we had that were stealing, some who would go through our personal belongings, I had to pack away my things I enjoyed and made my house a home to me. I have put up with strangers in MY house for this whole time. Caregiving and having strangers in your home, your haven and safe places changes that scenario entirely and it affects my living experience and me and how I interact. I am envious of those who have a haven and don't know what a gem they hold in their hands.

I would be much happier if my mom were able to be in her home and folks could go there. It would be an entirely different situation. But that is not the case and will never able to be (without having to go into a long explanation).

I have to say, that dealing with this situation sheds a light on preparing yourself for the future now.

Take care GardenArtist, I appreciate your thoughts always.
LastOne

Lastone you had a very close relationship with you mom. Ask yourself what she would want for you if she were able to forsee what shwwould become as she aged.

Also, if it's any consolation, I too was never cut out for this caregiving life. It has nothing to do with family; I'd just rather be working with others of similar background, addressing legal and business issues, and feeling good about myself than spending so much time driving and sitting in medical offices. and I'd also rather be getting a nice piece of paper every week that reinforces that I'm worth something financially!

I also detest, and I mean really hate, the advice that other people feel free to give me....advice that usually starts with "...well, why don't you do (a), (b), or (c)?" ...or "you mean your father is living alone - you're not taking care of him?"

As if I have nothing better to do than tackle issues which I already know can't be solved, or as if I feel that either of us would benefit from living together or that distance caregiving isn't "taking care of" someone. Grumble, big grumble!

LastOne, it is very difficult to maintain our own sanity while caring for our loved ones. I don't know how you are able to work such long hours, then go home, change gears and take on the care of your mom. I know I would not be able to do it! Somehow someway you need to figure out a way to get some respite! When you are stressed you mother, though she would not be able to understand why, she senses it, much as small children and babies do. Have you looked at memory care facilities in your area? Maybe a nursing home is more appropriate. Maybe ask caregivers to assist with cleaning when they are with your mom through the week? You sound like my sister, she has mom's POA's and now realizes, since moving mom to a facility, what I dealt with for four years. Now she has even more difficulty because behaviors that I had told her about are in fact true, and now exagerated at least ten times! She has a very busy life with her job, husband and two grown sons in their twenties that cannot seem to do anything for themselves, including changing flat tires!

You cannot do it all, nor can most. We all reach the breaking point and need to understand that we are only human. Consider the options available,and decide what would be best for mom, but more importantly you.

Sorry if I misread something into the housecleaning issue. Part of that was from experience. As my family's life became more chaotic, I had less time to focus on things like cooking and cleaning. Just didn't have the energy.

And gradually I began to feel a sense of loss of control. So when I set aside time and do some floor to ceiling cleaning, I feel as though the house and dust bunnies aren't usurping my rights.

I've also read of similar situations, so I was also extrapolating to yours. No criticism or reactionary behavior was intended.

Guess I better shut up now before I really put my foot in my mouth!

cwillie,

Thanks. And even though I have research this dementia thing and live with it every day I don't know everything and everyone has experiences that may shed light or help someone else' situation. I certainly don't know all and will never claim to.

When an question comes up from this list and says "can you help" so and so with this question, I don't feel qualified to advise someone else.

I will admit that I am not the right person for the CG job, but my mother has no one else to advocate for her or help her. She made me her DPOA back in 2001 when she was going into open heart surgery because she trusted me more than anyone else of her children. I feel dutiful to her to help her the best I could. I never saw myself doing this kind of work or being in this situation. It's not my bag. But I don't have any other answer for her other than to put her in a home. I know the results and would feel horrid the rest of my life.

My mother and I were very close and she was my best friend, but that was a mother in a different life before dementia. I never dreamed she would be like this or I would feel so angry and frustrated in my life trying to help her.

LastOne
P.S. Sorry for all the typos in my notes today. Usually I'm better at typing.

Hi Garden Artist,

Thanks for your thoughts, but the one on "...And I also understand better with your explanation the need to maintain control over the house - you poor mother has chaos in her mind, you see it, and you work to avoid that in your household life. It's understandable."

No, I have ALWAYS had a clean house and it always was orderly. My need is partially due to poor eye site and knowing I can find things where I last put them and not trip over things. But a clean house and work completed used to allow me to go have fun (of which I don't get any since she arrived). A clean house is just a nice place to live and I like to live in a nice environment. It's not a need to avoid my mother's chaotic mind. A clean, nice, comfortable, eye appealing home is just a nice place to live and it is efficieint. My husband and I have always enjoyed that.

And yes, it is one of my frustrations now. I don't get time to do the work because I am babysitting my mother all weekend long.

LastOne

Sorry, your question did come across as a basic lack of understanding. That it was really meant to be more of a rant than a question clarifies things, and I sympathize. As challenging as caring for the physical needs of my mom can be, it is the loopy behaviour that makes me want to scream.

LastOne, I apologize for the assumption that you hadn't read up on dementia. Often times posters don't do any research on the issues, but clearly you have, and have also tried different tasks to keep your mother occupied.

Your post helps explain your frustration, and I understand the situation much better now.

I think your mother realizes her limitations and that causes her to be frustrated and unable to complete the tasks. Sometimes people just sigh in exasperation or just sit and quietly contemplate how much they've lost. I think all responses express the frustration with their lives, and I do understand that.

I most certainly wouldn't disagree with you on the frustration (and cruelty) of dementia.

And I also understand better with your explanation the need to maintain control over the house - you poor mother has chaos in her mind, you see it, and you work to avoid that in your household life. It's understandable.

Allow me to correct my typo: the LPN caregive said, she could NOT do want I am doing (my profession and taking care of my mother), and that is her line of work!

cwillie,

The two I am able to retain are good - one is an LPN, and she even said, I could do want you are doing (my profession and taking care of my mother), and that is her line of work! The other said, she couldn't deal with my mother two days in a row as her constant waling about going home is ALL she talks about. It drives sane people crazy.

Each have worked with dementia patients for about 12 years.

LastOne

I guess walk a mile in their or my moccasons.

It's kind of like asking why that rain cloud keeps raining on me, she acts that way because she has dementia, that is just THE WAY IT IS.
BTW, I wonder what kind of caregivers you have if they can't deal with her behavior either, they can't be very experienced.

Hi Garden Artist,

Before I put my question up, I looked things a dementia person could do to keep them occupied. I've tried all of them - there were 10 listed on the site. Hence my question here - in case someone had something more to share than what I already found.

If I am in a dementia state - I'll be living where I can terminate my life. It's cruel to put anyone through dementia or to go through it yourself. Just my opinion.

Yes, a clean environment, work that has to be done for every day living IS IMPORTANT to me. This is my house and I cannot live in a mess. I enjoy a clean house. It is comforting, relaxing, and satisfying to me. And that is all I have these days.

My mother can hardly fold a paper bag. She has tried folding towels, pants, and gets frustrated within in 30 seconds. Her shoulder hurts, she has the clothes inside out and is cussing the whole time she is doing the folding and then says, I'll do it later.

She begged to vacuum - mind you she is in a wheel chair. We set it up for her. She couldn't push the vaccum and it is a canister style - so it's not like it is as heavy as an upright cleaner. And she complained why we had such a heavy cleaner.

She is not able to do anything but feed herself, she needs help getting up sitting down, getting in bed and out and getting dressed. She can't even pull the hood of her jacket over her head without it being twisted up around her.

Yes, as I stated I try to get someone for weekends, however, my mother is a difficult person and she drives the caregivers crazy also. They run.

Yes, I think my life is important too and I've been taking the back seat on the long bus for 16 months and it is getting to me.

My dearest mother will wither away and die in a home. She doesn't have the money for a place that will sit with her one-on-one that is required for her and to keep her mind occupied. And she was in a rehab facility for a month before she came here and it was miserable for her and for me. She cried all the time, begged to go home (similar to what she does here) and also had the home call me during my work day at work. I would rush over there and try to console her. And that was every day! I spent on average 3 hours a day steady with her at the rehab home. Besides doing my 50-60 hour a week occupation to earn an income.

I'm doing my best. It might not be good enough in others eyes.

I don't get respite. I would love to have some.

I'm under the impression that dementia affects people (the patient) because of their history and their expectations and what they are able to remember and what they truly want. Each case must be different, but seem to have shared commonalities.

Thanks for your comments, Garden Artist.

LastOne

Have you had an opportunity to read up on dementia?

These are hits for "dementia, short term memory": https://www.longtermcarelink.net/ref_state_veterans_va_nursing_homes.htm

Memory loss and inability to focus can be characteristic of dementia. It will help to learn more about it and recognize that your mother can't help it - it's not her fault and she's not doing it to be disagreeable.

If you ever get dementia, you'll probably be the same way.

You also wrote:

"Washing, house cleaning, meal prep and I don't have time to babysit her and sit with her all day long." Have you thought about getting a caregiver for her on these days so she won't be alone?

And frankly, if you feel you're "babysitting" for her, perhaps it's time to examine whether she's in the best place and getting the best care. What's more important, your mother or cleaning house and washing?

And why not bring your mother into these tasks to help you? She can fold towels to help with the laundry. Even if they're not folded to your specifications, it's something for her to do.