Follow
Share

I recently relocated to Los Angeles to take care of my father who has now been diagnosed with Dementia. I can handle his confusion, forgetfulness, not knowing to eat, the meanness and aggression towards me, etc. But what I can’t deal with is the times when he does not know I am his daughter. He makes very graphic sexual requests from me. It makes me very uncomfortable, and nervous. I have only been with him for three months but it has gotten so bad that I can’t sleep at night fear he may rape me. Is any one going through this? I don’t want to put him in a facility because I know he will leave but I can’t live like this or I will end up in a facility.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
DeAdra - My dad is in a nursing home, with dementia and further down the road than yours. Been there a year and a half. We could no longer care for him at home. He needed 24 hour care and they live in a one bedroom apartment, so it was not possible. Plus, I feared for my Mom's safety had he fallen, he'd pull her down the next time he fell, no doubt about it. About a year ago, he asked a nurse if he could see her breasts!!! UUUGHHHH!!! I was horrified! The psych doctors told me this happens with some dementia patients. Their inhibition to control these urges is sometimes gone. Its a chemical thing like capnhardass was describing. They see it all the time. They adjusted his meds and as far as I know, it hasn't happened again. When I told him what had happened, a few days later, he not only didn't remember, he was horrified too. Your Dad needs meds.

Now the aggression thing is similar but could be harmful to you if not treated with meds as well. My Dad had that too. Do not walk out of that doctor's office on the 22nd without a prescription or an agreement for him to have a psychiatric evaluation. Plant your ass in the chair until they give you either one. That's what I did!!! Hope this has helped you know you are NOT alone.

xo
-SS
Helpful Answer (15)
Report

I'm sure you realize that it's not your dad, it's the decaying of his brain that's the cause of this. However, aggression is nothing to treat lightly (sexual or otherwise). Take him to see his neurologist. If s/he doesn't respond with an action plan (drugs to try), go see someone else. If this continues, you need to go into self preservation mode. A dementia facility may be what's needed. Does he wander? Is that why you assume he'll leave? Maybe not. First, they're prepared to deal with every aspect of dementia, including wandering off and inappropriate behaviors (they've seen it all!). Second, maybe if he's in a place where he can, for the most part, behave however his brain tells him feels 'normal', he'll do better than on the outside world where his behaviors are abhorrent and even dangerous.
Good luck to you. Keep your own health (mental and physical) at the forefront fo the decisions you make.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report

Hi DeAdra, you poor thing, on top of everything eles with dementia to have to deal with this. It is brave of you to bring up because I am sure you are not alone in this happening. Like Isn'tEasy said, it is not your Dad talking but the awful disease. However , I think that no one should have to deal with abuse of any kind-whether intentional or not- and you should think about having your Dad placed in a environment where his needs can be better met. Not that you are not a great caretaker to him but , well, think about your Dad -what if he ,before dementia- heard you were living with a sexual predator --would he want that for you? Would he want you living with someone who you feared could rape you? Wouldn't he do anything to protect you?
I wish you luck and blessings!!! ((((hugs))))
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

Can you install a bolted lock on your bedroom door?
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

we were told in the hospital that as dementia travels around the sides of the brain nearly every thought process is
affected to sometimes include absurd sexual urges. is it possible to slap on an overcoat and hat at these times that would at a glance pass for a policemans uniform? of course this borders on absurd but so does his amorous behavior..
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

How icky for you! No one wants to know about their parents' sex life! I don't know how common this is, but I have heard of it on more than one occasion.

Never say never about an institution. If the time comes when you can't go on, don't feel like a failure. People end up getting used to it, and enjoy the company. Most important, they can be safer and you can change from an exhausted drudge to a loving daughter.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I am sorry for this awful situation you are in. Alzheimer units in a care facility are secure. If a good facility he will not be able to leave. If he is physically stronger than you, you are at risk. Would you want to have to injure your father to protect yourself? As one of the the respondents asked, would he want this for you?
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Hi my husband had a problem where he was talking dirty constantly almost non stop and we could not change this pattern was also groping caregivers and myself, we discovered it was from his meds!! we slowly took him off of the one he was on (found this out by talking with pharmacist) and he came back to normal thank god, also try to find someone in your area that does NEUROFEEDBACK THIS HAS BEEN HUGE IN HELPING MY HUSBAND WITH THIS THOUGHTS AND MEMORY ALONG WITH HYPERBARIC OXYGEN, EXTREMELY HELPFUL IT HAS BEEN KEEPING HIM FAIRLY NORMAL HE DOES NOT SOME BAD DAYS BUT OVER ALL DON'T KNOW HOW I WOULD HAVE COPED WITHOUT THIS, IT HELPED WITH THE TALKING DIRTY AND GROPING ALOT, HOPE THIS HELPS
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Sexual aggression is NOT likely to be how he got sex from your mother. He's NOT HIMSELF at this stage. You have to completely stop thinking of this as having ANYTHING to do with normalcy or his real personality or his history before dementia set in. That's also why being horrified is -- while understandable -- totally besides the point. If you can wrap your brain around not being horrified that he goes wandering, or can't remember who you are... well, this is incredibly sad but it's also "just" another sign that whoever your father was and whatever he was like, he's gone and has been replaced by a demented person, and the sky is the limit on what might happen next. So: yes, check the meds he's on; yes ask the doctor; yes protect yourself. As for upsetting him -- the biggest favor you can do for your loved ones is not to let them hurt you.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Thank you for your advice. To Capnhardass he does respond to others totally different than the way he responds to me. I may not dress up but I can say I am calling the police. To IsntEasy his neurology appointment is not until May 22nd, but he has had an MRI and I will discuss that with his doctor this Thursday. He only wondered when he left the Hospital against the doctors orders in October, he was missing for 3 days. He was trying to find his way home. But now he doesn't. That is why I won't try a facility he will leave. He just wants to be home. To OncehatedDIL, I have a lock on my dock now he was pretty upset when I did it. To MishkaM I would suppose the answer would be no he would want me to be with anyone like that
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.