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From what I see no one has mentioned this here, but I wonder if a bit of the guilt many people feel about hospice is that they realize their own lives will be made easier if their LO's death comes sooner (and perhaps somewhat less work will be required on their part during the time the LO is in hospice); thus, they're subconsciously thinking "am I using hospice simply for the loved one or am I doing it in part for myself?" I've read many questions and answers on this forum to the effect of "I'm worn out from caregiving". Has anyone else thought of this or struggled with what may seem to be a "conflict of interests"? (If there is a potential inheritance involved, this could add to the feelings of guilt.)
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Bob,
The things you said are true.
Their (c/g) lives WILL be easier if their LO's death comes sooner.
Also less work will be required on their part.
They probably ARE worn out by caregiving.

But I would like to think that my fellow man would place the needs of their LO's FIRST in making the decision for hospice. None of us want to see our LO's suffer.

In my case, my mother is 95, end stage Alzheimer's with all that it entails. What potential does she have for continued quality of life. I am an only child, so I will inherit everything (a couple thousand dollars).
My first thought is that I never want her to be hurting or in pain or having anxiety. I choose hospice BECAUSE of that.

Does it occur to me that my life will get easier when she passes-yes. She won't be here in the physical world anymore. Then that feeling can mingle with the sadness on the loss of my mother.

I'm going to put faith in my fellow humans that they would act on the needs of their loved ones first.
Forever the optimist! 😊
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Having Hospice in the home does indeed provide support but the strain on the primary caregiver is not much less. Hospice is available 24/7 but they can.t except in rare cases provide 24 hour care.
There is the benefit of the 5 day respite when the patient can be moved to another facility to give the family a break, but in the case of dementia they may choose not to do that because of adverse effects on the loved one.
Of course there are frequently the feelings of what if mingled with the grief and the caregivers do get relief from caregiving but their lives have often been so altered by the experiences that it takes months or years to recover if they ever do.
The decision to call Hospice is not usually taken lightly and not usually with the intention of shortening the loved ones life. It is a very hard decision for most families and often taken at the last minute when shelved one is within literally hours or days of death.
I agree with my previous post and those of others that in this case hospitalization would not be the loving thing to do.
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My friends' POA document giving me authority over their finances and health matters also had end of life care stipulating no heroic efforts, tube feeding, etc were to be made if there was no chance of recovery. If you mom hasn't made those choices on the end of life care forms, she is telling you verbally her wishes. I agree with the others that her wishes should be honored and hospice would be a good way to do that. I was so impressed with hospice once they took over. Their care and monitoring kept my friend comfortable and calm until her passing. This is hard. We want them to cling to life and feel responsible for that even if they don't want it any longer. My faith teaches us not to fear death, but to look forward to what awaits us when our soul goes on. Perhaps such a thought will provide some calm to your dilemma.
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I put my 89 year old on Hospice it was a very hard decision. But one I haven’t regretted, the care that she is receiving and the support that I get has been wonderful.
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I agree with the post to read Being Mortal. Excellent. We are caught up in safety and medically managing people so they can have life without quality
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i am so sorry that your mom is going thru this. my dad went thru the same thing. leg issue, dementia, and much more. he also came home from hospital ten times worse than he went in. hes was 92. all I can say is you have to go with your heart. I weighed my options with dad. hospital stay, might not survive come home worse than left. or ease his pain and make him as comfortable as possible with the help of hospice care. stay with him and love him to the end. my choice was to go with hospice because I knew his life was coming to an end and I wanted him to go in peace. dad lasted a couple of weeks and he passed away in my arms. painful for me but peaceful for him. If I had to do it again I would do the same thing all over.....
I wish you the best.....
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If my mom gets to the same point as yours, I would do hospice.
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It is hard to know what to do under these circumstances. My sister and I were faced with that also with our Mom and we chose comfort care as they call it in our area rather than Hospice. She was already in a nursing home so she went back there and basically kept medicated until she passed in only 3 days. I know it was the best thing for her because she was miserable and would not be able to get better, only suffer longer. I basically didn't know what comfort care meant and that it would be so quick. If I had I would have stayed there with her even if she didn't know I was there. When there is no quality of life then I think it is the most humane thing to do, but just be with her.
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What is difference between hospice and palliative care? Hospice was used for father but by time we (adult children) were summoned by staff, we were allowed very little interaction with hospice personnel. Understanding more of the end-of-life symptoms, in hindsight, would have made it so much easier for us. Akin to being kept in dark? Yes. Forgive, yes; but still tough! A few hours or minutes of final conversation before too late, days prior, would have been cherished.
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Get in touch with your local hospice. No hospital if possible.
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I am going through same exact thing with my mom who is 89. I choose hospice. I want her safe, medicated to comfort and clean. Hospice started today and she enjoyed the company. In addition to life long depression, now, late stages of dementia, she is recovering from hip surgery 2 months ago. She wants to die and I don’t only understand why, I would be asking the same if I were in position. She lived a happy, long life and deserves to make the decision when enough is enough.
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This may be a little off topic, but I see palliative and hospice mentioned in the various responses. What is the difference?
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Only just saw this question so have not read all the replies. most Drs are of the curative mentality but OP's Mom does not sound as though it would help her at all except briefly then she would be back in the same boat.
Once you have talked to the hospice people they will make a recommendation about her disease and whether they will admit her to full hospice care. There are slightly different rules for Palliative care and the services are more limited but they can last much longer, really good for shut ins who are unable to easily get out for Dr visits. A nurse will visit regularly and communicate her findings to the patient's Dr. There will be other services available depending on the patient's needs.
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I also agree with most responses. Hospice is the kindest way to go. according to you mom has made it clear that she doesn't want to go back to hospital. my mom and dad died a few months ago. they both said enough is enough. I am not going back to hospital. let me die at home in peace please. I did what they requested , and yes it broke my heart but I did what they asked me to do. dad died first and mom three weeks later.
I am heart broken and miss them so much. I did the right thing by calling hospice to help with the remaining time they had on earth. I spent every minute with the them until god called them home. its the right thing to do for your mom. hospice takes care of everything for you till the very end. good luck and god bless.
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