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Mom has dementia which is getting worse. She has CHF and her legs and ankles are swollen and weepy. The cardiologist keeps increasing her diuretics and changed to a more potent one. He says if this doesn't help she needs to go to the hospital for IV diuretics. The last hospital visit almost killed her. She had to be restrained and had no concept of where she was. She was terrified. She is 90 and living in AL. We actually had to move her to AL becauce she declined so much after last hospital visit. Prior to that she was in an apartment with daily help and was relatively happy there. The doctor said if I refused to take her for the IV diuretics the only other option is hospice. Mom is miserable and wants to die. She says so constantly. I don't know what to do. Do I put her in the hospital where I know she will be terrified and decline even more to alleviate the swollen legs, only to extend a life she is miserable in? I dont know how to make these life and death decisions. Has anyone else struggled with this decision? I swore I would never take her to a hospital again. Please help.

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"Mom is miserable and wants to die. She says so constantly. I don't know what to do."

It seems pretty clear. The question you need to ask yourself is whether you are continuing for yourself or for her?
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I am so sorry about your mother.   Another trip to the hospital sounds awful.

If I were you I would use hospice. I think your mother is telling you what she wants. Hospice was really great for both my father and MIL.
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I think hospice is the kindest route
,
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Hospice.
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I would go with hospice. Give Mom comfort and love while she passes.
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After my mother's last hospital stay, her pulmonologist said to me " stop poking holes in your mom". His dad had also died of CHF. I vowed never to allow another hospital stay. Mom had two more relatively good years with palliative care at a NH and a brief stint where hospice made her comfortable. I think that your mom has told you what she wants. Be at peace with her choice.
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My mother also has CHF and dementia. She has had two hospital stays where she was also so combative that they had to restrain her. They also did a thorantesis where they took out 2 liters of fluid each time and her legs were also swollen where she was wrapping towels around her legs to absorb the fluid. If you decide to take her to the hospital they will give her something to make her calmer. If my mom said she wanted to die then I would do the hospice.
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Your mom made you promise to not take her to the hospital. You saw the bad effects of the last visit to the hospital. Your mom is telling you she is ready for hospice. So personally I’d go hospice and be there with her as much as you can.
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Sorry for your mother's suffering - I hate the thought of making life and death decisions as well
If you can, try to quiet your mind as you go to sleep and listen to your inner voice when you wake
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My 85 year old father also has CHF, edema (weeping almost gangrene) cellulitis, vascular dementia, diabetes, urinary incontinence & now he is passing loose fecal matter everytime he pee's, immobile etc, etc. My 80 year old mother is caring for him at home, mostly alone, with twice daily visits from the district nurses. She is killing herself doing this as she has severe RA and now her legs are full of fluid and incredibly painful. Even the pharmacist told me last week that she looks very unwell, but there's nothing we can do as Dad doesn't want to go to hospital again & Mum says she's fine. However, I think & hope that he'll be admitted to the hospital next week as the district nurse has made him an appointment to see a hospital doctor & the ambulance taxi will be picking them up to take him there. This is my crisis that I've been waiting for & it's finally here after a long 4 months. I have the feeling they'll say nothing more can be done for him & just proceed to keep him comfortable. I will agree with hospice care as he has absolutely no quality of life and at the moment everything is delaying the inevitable. But when all's said & done the choice is his alone. All through his life he's been very controlling & stubborn and I don't think he realises what all this caring is doing to my mother or maybe he does realise but his illness is more important than hers. Maybe the district nurses saw that & are trying to get my Mum some respite. I would go with what your Mum wants.
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