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My husband died in 1995. I kept in touch with his parents on a weekly basis even though I had moved to another state. I took my children on regular visits. Fil passed and when mil began to show signs of dementia my daughter and I made the 6 hour drive to check up on her and clean her apt in the retirement home she was living in. When the retirement home forced her into an assisted living apt she became very sad. I went through an involved process to get POA and when the time came I brought her home to Ohio (1 year and a half years ago). I expended a lot of time, money, patience and love dealing with her dementia and cancer.

She slumped over in her chair this past Tuesday, I couldn't get her to stand. I called hospice who helped get a hospital bed placed in my living room. I slept on the couch next to her, cleaned her (she became incontinent), held her, cleaned the saliva out of her mouth and she died when I put my hand on her head and shoulder while I was telling her that she will be so glad to see her mom, husband and son soon. (She died yesterday).

Today I was going through her paperwork and found a directive to the retirement community in 2002 which she had to list those that could visit her. She listed 3 women and myself, however, next to my name it claimed that I was to be watched constantly to make sure that I didn't take anything.

I have done nothing but love this woman who was never able to show her son and myself love or even very much kindness but I always thought that it was because of her tragic early life and that she really did love us. So after 35 years and to have gone through what I have gone through for her to find that she had such a low opinion of me is overwhelming.

I am just so sad and angry.

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Thank you all so much for listening and being supportive and thoughtful. Much blessings to all of you who are still taking care of your loved ones. Stay strong and believe in pure love.
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Early dementia and lack of trust go hand in hand. As said before, those closest to the patient suffer the greatest scrutiny. Captain's mother said he was trying to kill her. The truth has set you free, long before she died, she knew she was wrong. She may have tried to tell you, tried to thank you. Believe in that and be free. She will come to you in your dreams and tell you so.
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You were a wonderful DIL and I believe as others that there may have been moments of dementia and paranoia and they always lash out at those closest to them or become confused. It's possible she confused you with someone else or had a moment of confusion and whoever wrote the names, said something or "suggested something" and your name was the one that came to mind and she blurted it out.

I'm the one who gets blamed for anything missing or misplaced and I no longer take it personally...though it still hurts and frustrates me....deep down I know my mom loves me.
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Wellington, {{{HUGS}}} to you. I'm glad that you can still think of MIL in good terms. You have a very very KIND and BIG heart. I'm so happy for you to still retain this despite it all. Thank you for the Best Wishes. I, too, extend it to you and your new journey in life. Enjoy it while you still can! {{HUGS}}
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Thank you so much. I miss her. Aren't we suppose to not be hit so hard when our loved one is old and ill? I hear her; I think of her as if she were alive when I am grocery shopping or thinking about what I need to do after work. She was my direct link to my late husband and now she is gone. Best wishes to you all!
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An assisted living facility wouldn't have let you any where near their residences, if they believed that.

It is so bizarre that I think you really need to have a big laugh.
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Yes, I would chalk it up to the beginnings of her dementia. If you read a few threads on here about dementia patients, thinking that their loved ones are stealing from them is a very, very common thing. I think that is probably what happened. Your MIL was SO lucky to have you, whether she was able to appreciate you or not. You have also set such a wonderful example for your children of unconditional love. Kudos to you for your care of your MIL.
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Wellington.... it is obvious you are a very very special person to do what you have done. Caregiving is a "thankless" job. Unconditional love is precious...... you have shown this to your own child....... It is so common for people with dementia too say or do bazaar things and this is an example of it. You can rest knowing you did a job welldone!
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and you jeannegibbs
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If this was indeed her comment, it may have been on of the early signs of dementia, which eventually got so advanced she had to leave the retirement home. This kind of irrational paranoia is extremely common in dementia, often in the very early stages. The patient knows that something is definitely not right, but can't figure out what it is. They lash out or become suspicious of those closest to them.

I am so very sorry you ever had to find this out. I am glad you are ready to put it back in the past, and to move forward. It sounds like you had a relationship with your MIL that was as deep and meaningful as she was capable of. Bless you.
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Thank you so much for your words of comfort. I was unconditionally loved but my husband didn't believe in it (even though I felt it from him!) I know she wasn't. Her childhood was difficult and now that I have settled down I know that in my heart that Veronica91 is right. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Now I miss her and can grieve.
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This has hurt you deeply I know but it was written 12 years ago before MIL really knew you and the kindness, love and caring you are capable of. As CM said it was a clerical error and should have been beside the name of one of the other women. Your in laws lacked the capacity to connect with those they should love so think of it as a deficit not a rejection. They must have lived very sad lonely lives. You were probably one of the only people who showed love to MiL and took wonderful care of her when she had no one else. That must have been a great comfort to her in her final hours on earth. Blessings
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That must have hurt a lot. It is also baffling. What was she thinking? What on earth made her develop this peculiar idea? God knows. You never will.

But, the potential defamation never got oxygen. Maybe you were being watched all the time, but in that case the watchers will have observed that your behaviour was not only scrupulously correct but also loving.

So conclusions:
- no rhyme or reason to your MIL's comment, if it was her own;
- no certain knowledge that this was her idea, and not that of someone else who happened to be present when the notes were made;
- this is an administrative error;
- no harm came of it while your MIL was alive.

Don't let any harm come of it now. Mentally, scrunch up that page and throw it away. It was a clerical mistake.
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Try to remember that as people get older they frequently get weird and a little crazy. My mom used to constantly accuse the people of wanting to steal her things (and she was 90% mentally competent). Maybe it's somehow connected to the fear of the unknown as we age...Who knows. In any case, remember that just because she may have has a suspicious nature does not mean what you did was not noble, honorable, and very much appreciated by her. Again, chalk it up to your MIL getting wacky in her dotage and try to remember the things that you loved about her.
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Wellington, I feel proud for you that you were able to rise above your MIL's pettiness with your compassion. I wouldn't waste a moment by feeling bad. The written note just showed she didn't know you at all. What you did for her, despite her unloving ways, lets everyone know how wonderful you are. I have a feeling that your MIL knew it by the end of her life.
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Wellington, you are a noble soul; you love unconditionally and deeply. To be able to do that, you have to have had unconditional love in your life at some point. Clearly, your MIL didn't--ever. She had the cartoon/soap opera scenario of the "former" DIL running in her head--Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned sort of thing. It wasn't you, it what was broken inside of her. She sounds like someone who was broken in some fundamental way who was never able to be fixed. You have my love and admiration for your kindness that went above and beyond any call of duty. Hugs from Brooklyn, NY
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Wellington, I know what it's like to feel betrayal from blood relatives. But, I did not expend years and money on a non-blood relative, and then read what you just read. That too would have cut deeply. I know what it is like when a father praises you for being there helping him with mom, and then find out years later -behind my back that I was a terrible daughter and having non-blood relatives telling me to do more, or strangers I never me approach my bro to ask what kind of a person I am, etc.... When I found out he was bad mouthing me behind my back, something broke within. I learned to not trust him anymore, or bask in his praises to me, etc...

I can see where you are both sad and angry at MIL. She fooled you before. My question to you, and if you can honestly within yourself... In these last few years with her, did she show affection and appreciation for you? Anything to help balance that negative note of you? I'm wondering if she had changed her view of you after 10 years.

For now, just vent your anger, cry your tears (of both loss and anger). When you have passed these emotions, perhaps you can write a letter to her, and tell her what's in your mind. Then, if you a fireplace, take that letter and burn it. When doing this, push it away from you and at the same time say that you letting go the anger/betrayal. And burning it forever. What is done, is done. And know this, a higher power knows what you did from your heart. THAT has not gone unnoticed. Your works have not gone unnoticed. I'm so sorry. {{Hugs}}
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