My elderly father (80s) has been in cognitive decline for a few years. He was going to move in with me but met a woman on the Internet and married her six months later. They live four hours away from me.
Of course, as soon as they got married, the new wife took him to her lawyer and they drafted a new will and POA documents. I am the backup but she is primary on everything.
I strongly believe NewWife is cognitively impaired herself. She doesn't know what day it is or how old she is. On her desk in her home, there is a huge stack of bills and documents that she says she can't deal with because they stress her out. She asked me to come back and help her with all of these documents. I talked to her priest and her priest expressed concerns about new wife's memory, before I had a chance to express my own doubts. (she is older than my father by 3 years.)
What I worry about:My father doesn't have the executive functioning to pay bills. I cannot rely on herto do this given her own issues. I have no insight into her financial situation. Maybe she is a kajillionaire who can take care of my dad but given the size and location of her home, I am doubtful. She does have a son but they are not close and the one time I spoke to him, he was very hostile and unhelpful and basically said "I'm glad you live close so you can take care of her." Ummm... not what I signed on for. My father probably needs memory care -- if not now, then very very soon. I have no oversight into this and how it will be paid for.
I feel like I see the freight train coming down the tracks and things are about to go wrong, but I am not in a position to do anything. But ultimately, I will probably be the person who has to manage everything.
I could ignore it all and go on to live my life, or I could work on a Plan B. I've tried to talk to my dad's doctor but I am not on the HIPAA form, only NewWife is. I've asked them to add me but it's been a year and they haven't.
Any advice would be great. The entire situation gives me anxiety.
Sounds like you need an Elder Care Attorney and try to obtain Guardianship based on the fact that she may not be able to make proper decisions for your father.
If she has children I would get this sorted out ASAP as they may try to insert themselves.
Do not do anything to help her sort out her personal issues.
the problem might also be if she is in debt your father may be on the hook for bailing her out.
You really do need legal advice
The fastest way to make progress on getting the state to take over their care (probably the best bet as guardianship is very expensive and still it’s a nightmare to get uncooperative demented people to do anything) is to let them visibly mess up. Do not come to their rescue unless you want to spend the next decade altering fighting them with taking care of them but without to power to make their decisions for them.
Getting the state and APS involved can be helpful to the OP in getting conservatorship/guardianship over her father with dementia. The state should never become the conservator/guardian of a person when they have family willing to do it. APS and the local police can help the OP with this.
My friend went through this with his mother some time back. The elderly but totally with it father passed away in his sleep. He died of old age. His wife had dementia and he was the caregiver to her 24/7. He covered everything but put no measures in place for his wife if he died before her. Everyone including him assumed the wife with dementia and other health problems would go first. She did not.
Anyway, she could not function at all independently yet the asinine stubbornness convinced her that there was nothing wrong and she didn't need help. She could not even be left alone because she'd wander off. My friend called APS and they actually helped. She got conservatorship over her mother and was able to put her in memory care where she still is. My friend still has conservatorship over her and makes all of her decisions both medical and financial. The parents had Long Term Care insurance. You can't allow the state or some lawyer or social worker in bed with the nursing home/memory care racket to have financial control when there's assets like real estate along with the insurance. It ends up being a feeding frenzy with these vultures. If there's family willing to be conservator/guardian that's how it should be done.
After you have spoken to the lawyer and asked them to explain the document to you, make a call to APS (Adult Protective Services) and tell them what's going on with your father and his new wife. Get them involved because APS works for free. They will best advise you on getting conservatorship/guardianship. Petition the court yourself for free and do the paperwork for conservatorship/guardianship. It's not that hard. If you do, only take it on for your father. DO NOT assume responsibility for his wife also. Trust me on this. I have been a conservator/guardian. Doing for one person is a full-time job.
This is going to sound a bit harsh and cold and in truth, it is. You have to let your father and his new wife fail for a bit. Don't pay their bills, don't get anything straightened out for them. Don't be the behind-the-scenes skeleton crew who props them up so to the casual observer they appear capable and independent. Let the lights get shut off. Let the house become filthy. Make sure they are on the radar of APS though. Also visit the local police department in their town. Ask them to do regular wellness checks on them once or twice a week. The police will do this and they will report to APS that they are not coping. When the cops talk to APS and Social Services, these people get on it. You communicate with APS and tell them that you have petitioned the court for conservatorship/guardianship of your father and are waiting on their assessment of competency for him. You'll get it. Then you can go from there on what going forward is going to look like for your father. Maybe it will be assisted living for him. Or live-in help that him and his wife pay for.
I wish you good luck. I know it seems like a lot, but one task at a time and you'll get it done.
I, "ELDERLYFATHER" designate as my health care surrogate under x statues:
NEWWIFE
ADDRESS OF NEWWIFE
If DAUGHTER is not willing, able, or reasonably available to perform his or her duties, I designate as my alternate health care surrogate:
DAUGHTER
ADDRESS OF DAUGHTER
So it seems that the lawyer made a mistake as it says "If DAUGHTER is not willing" when it should say "If NEWWIFE" is not willing. Alternatively, the lawyer made a mistake and reversed us and I should be primary and NEWWIFE should be secondary.
I am afraid you are now in legal-land. It is very expensive. And do know, without someone being QUITE deep into dementia, no court in our lands will take their rights away from them. Courts are very loathe to take a Citizen's very rights over his own choices from him. You are going to need strong and clear medical diagnoses.
Is her PoA authority currently active? I.e.: has she met the criteria (presumably an official diagnosis of your Father's incapacity)?
If not, then you have some work to do. If you truly think she is impaired herself and would not be willing to get a "wellness exam" that includes a cognitive test, then maybe you use a therapeutic fib to tell her the PoA authority becomes active if she takes a cognitive exam herself. You will need to submit your PoA paperwork to their doctor's offices. You can get the HIPAA Medical Representative forms from all their various doctors, write in your name and have them sign them, then return them to the clinics.
Or, you tell her you won't step in to help manage things unless she resigns her PoA, thus presumably clearing the pathway to making yours active per whatever the criteria is listed in the document.
Does she have a PoA assigned for herself? I hope it's not your Dad. Does she have adult children of her own? If so do yoy have any contact info for them to let them know what's going on with her and that you don't have any legal authority to help her? Maybe they need to collect her and take responsibility for her.
I would not get into helping them without having PoA authority for one or both of them.