How do I go about finding the right place to care for my dad or how do I go about determining if it is best for him to live with me? I am in the early research stages. Any guidance is welcome.
Hello, so many on this site, and most have had bad experiences. So, you have to kind of sift through. This site was originally so that caregivers could actually talk to other caregivers for support. However, no one can tell you what to do, because every situation is different. I had a sister that cared for our dad in her home, and it was a very positive experience, and it did not cause any problems with her marriage either. Then I have two sisters that were caregivers to our mom. Both sisters worked, and it was also a very positive also. Then one sister was caregiver to her husband that had cancer, that caregiving was very positive. I was caregiver to my wife 24/7 due to her Multiple Sclerosis for over 17 years. It was great, I never looked at my caregiving as work.
The hardest thing about caregiving is watching your loved one's health decline over time. Caregivers are a special person, just like ER nurse, just like a hospice nurse, they are all special people. They do it because in their heart they choose to, and they want to. Caregiving for a loved one can be a very positive endeavor if the caregiver has the right information and tools to succeed.
Facilities/Nursing Homes are in it for the money, to them it's a business. Facilities provide the basic care nothing extra. It is so hard to find a good nursing facility because there are so many folks in the facility that a lot of times, the staff doesn't even have time to answer a call button light from a resident. The resident often feels so alone. Facilities are all about the money.
Being a caregiver, you just have to search your heart, and make your heart felt decision. It is better to be a caregiver to a loved one when you decide that you want to. Caregivers that have the "yes, I want to" are more likely to succeed. Much different that a caregiver that is caregiving " no one else will " mentality, these caregivers normally fail, in chaos.
You really might want to do some soul searching asking yourself "do I really want to", and if your answer is yes, then give it a try. See how it is working out, you may find that it is working out. Your dad will be much happier living with you. But, if you decide to place your dad in a facility, check reviews that people have written concerning the facility. Meet with the facility and see what they have to offer. Check the BBB concerning the facility to see if there are negative complaints that have been filed.
A true-blue caregiver will always be concerned with the loved ones "Quality of Life" which enhances the living with me being a positive situation. Only you can decide what you want to do concerning your dad. But, whatever you decide, you need not feel guilty. It is always better if a loved one can be at home, even medical professionals will tell you that.
* Do Not have dad live with you... why? . it is a lot more work than most can imagine and will affect your quality of life, adding stressors you can't imagine now. This isn't cruel; it is realistic - to consider what is best for BOTH of you. You deserve a quality life, perhaps have your own family. It is easy to project "I love my dad and want the best for him... I'll take care of him here (in my home)." It is quite another situation to actually be in it, esp as he changes and his needs increase. - His needs will change / increase. Most here (and elsewhere) do not understand or know how the brain will change and the level of increased care needed. - Ask yourself: * Am I willing to be consumed day and night caring for him . . . changing his bedding? soiled disposable underwear? accompanying him to toilet and assist with showering? ) ... perhaps several times a day? * Will I be able to handle his calling my name 20x a day asking for help . . . or screaming at me / others in my family due to hallucinations? * How might / will my life-style change if he moves in? What is the 'worst' or 'most difficult' scenario I can imagine? * Do ask professionals - social workers and do your research, visiting facilities and asking what they offer and weigh options. Include costs of when his health declines and more care is needed. - weigh financial obligations for home-care (you will need help, which requires interviewing, calling agencies or independents, training... vs him cared for in a facility. Even though he will be home, this doesn't necessarily translate into MUCH less expense, if you include your own mental, psychological and emotional well being.
KNOW THAT YOU ARE A GOOD DAUGHTER for considering your options and if you decide to move him to a facility, you are as much a GOOD DAUGHTER as if you welcomed him into your home. NO GUILT.
- In fact, since you will have more personal equanimity and distance/your own life, you will be more available to him in every way - when visiting and attending to his needs.
Many here have been through this. I haven't. I work with people in very levels of brain changes. I have strong feelings that family members deserve a life of their own, need to set boundaries (and many do not know how), and must / need to weigh finances.
Lastly, if you do have him move in with you, what or how will you later on 'move him out' into a facility? Will this be harder to do then - or should you do this now?
nursing homes are now short staff due to patient/nurse aide ratio. it will not get better due to paying 14 0r 15 dollars an hour. they can make the same amount in a food store, wawa or 7 11 without the stress of cleaning a patient. showering them, and feeding them given 12 patients a day shift to care for by 1 aide. i had a stroke and was in one in pa. i got 1 shower a week and got many urinary tract infections to not being tendend to in a timely manner,
I could never do in home care. I was an RN and I assure you I know my limitations. I could never do in home 24/7 care. If you are on Forum I encourage you to read the threads. Many here are in the throes of a near complete mental and physical breakdown for trying. Some come here for help mourning when we have seen them give stellar care for years, but who now kick themselves for the few times they said something harsh, for the few times they broke down. I am only telling you the bad side, but I need to know you have considered it. If you still have children at home I encourage you not to do this under any circumstances. If you do not I encourage you to consider that you are truly sacrificing your entire life. I would never allow my children to care for me and they know that with certainty. I am 80. why now, when my daughter is 60, approaching retirement after raising and educating her OWN son, should she have to sacrifice some of the best years of her life, time she can travel, be retired and free, to the end of my life. Parents must care for the children they choose to bear. But the children then must fly the nest and their obligation is to care for their own next generation, not for their parents. My thinking is not the thinking of other times and other places, just the opinion of one old woman. But I encourage you to read and read and read on the forum. To know there is no upside coming , and that the path is downwards, inevitably and steadily. I am so sorry to be a Debbie Downer. But it is just my warning for your consideration. All my dire warnings may come to nothing for you, and you may be overall very happy. In any case and whatever your decision I wish only the very best for you. I loved being a nurse. Great salary. Worked 3 days a week. 5 weeks vacation. If one patient was truly difficult we could share him or her around. That's not real life for any caregiver. My best to you.
Thanks for the truth. Then do you have a favored choice for a person who needs care but has choice other than out of the home. Just your ideas. I have been reading and reading, and it's not easy, as you well know. Thanks for your forthrightness! Adele Bell
I contacted A Place for Mom. It became a nightmare. The representative with whom I spoke, Elise, was in a totally different city (Boise) and had no understanding of the facilities in my area (Palm Desert). She fed me a bunch of BS about how she would be a conduit between me and different facilities I may be interested in for my mom for assisted living or memory care, acquiring and disseminating information, setting up appointments for tours, etc. She didn't do anything. All she did was give all of the nearby facilities my phone number, and their representatives bombarded me with daily phone calls. Had I placed my mother, APFM would have received kickbacks for that placement. It's a scam. They're not there to help you and be a "conduit". They're there to make money. This is a good forum though. I think that of the roles that APFM plays, this is a good, helpful one. Aging Care is honest and decent. But with regard to the other situation, it was impossible to get my information removed from their database.
So, if, in the future, I do place my mom in one of the facilities that received my information from APFM, it is still likely that the company will get a percentage of that monthly fee. Who knows.
Even Hospice itself has descended into the Military Industrial for profit complex. It used to be a mission. Now it is three baths a week, one RN visit and the ability to reach out to a social worker who often doesn't know as much as the patients themselves, and to clergy. For this medicare pays an absolute mind. There are often kickbacks with equipment providers and so on. This all falls under "The American Way". You provide information for others. But yes, this is what it is about and the best way to get rid of those who call and call is to say your loved one is one medicaid. You won't hear from them again. Sad, but it is what we have to negotiate the best way we can.
your decision is are you the best place for him and are ready to take on the responsibility. I guarantee taking care of him is life changing. But do your research on care places and visit them in person. Even if you find a good one there may be a long waiting list. So early planning is required.
Like many people have said here, each situation is different, and there is no 1 "right" decision for everyone. My mom lived with us for 5 years when she had Alzheimer's. We tried Assited Living, but it just didn't work. Yes, our lives were upended, but over time, we just adjusted to the situation the best we could. We had good and bad days, which is pretty much true of life in general. Sometimes, like in our case, a decision isn't permanent; it can be a fluid situation, where a parent goes from Assisted Living to living with you, or vice versa. Best of luck.
im caring for my 91 yr old mom after caring for my dad before he died.....this has been now 5 yrs that i havent stayed in my own apt but like you, i feel this is right for me and for mom - is it hard - YES! Will it get harder - YES. WIll i need help in the home or have her go to a facility if she gets even worse - MAYBE......for now, i take the good and the bad days - some days im so so grateful to have her here still since she did so much for us for so many years but other days i feel trapped and just soldier on!
If parents in 80s and living alone they sound like very independent folks. I think u t trying to make decisions about the future without all the information known yet. Quit living in uncertain future and live in present... Make things as safe as possible for them,NOW.. the future will take care of itself. A past neighbor in an apartment building I lived in was a 103 year old living alone.. Her niece came to take her to grocery store every week... I moved out don't know how long she lived after that.. but body parts just wear out eventually.
I also lived in an apartment building with an elderly woman whose family had parked her into the apartment building... The apartment manager kept an unofficial eye on her. The family had told her if she had any problems contact apartment manager.. one day she went looking for apartment manager and got lost in apartment building.. she was taken. To hospital to get checked out. In ER she fell backwards.. that when docs said she could no longer live alone. Falling backwards sucks. Brainstorm problem. Lost automatic impulse to save urself.. like putting han on hot burner.. I don't do that cause it hurts and ur brainstorm will automatically send message for u to pull hand back without unthinking about it.. Falling backward means that auto response no. Longer working. I have 3 or 4 brainstorm lesions. But in the least important part of the brainstem.
I took care of both my parents until the end. This was harder than I ever expected could be possible. At times, I felt like I couldn’t go on. I ended up learning a lot about my parents and myself. This takes immense problem solving skills, physical and emotional strength and courage. Looking back, this time was very precious and I would not trade it for anything else. I have no regrets and know that this journey made me stronger.
There are no wrong choices. Decide what is write for you and your situation.
Most people here will write that you should not attempt to take this on, because it is impossible. It is not impossible.
“Deciding best care for my dad” is IMPORTANT, because he is someone who in his younger, more productive life, was your caregiver, your provider, your “safe haven” in times of youthful stress and trouble.
When YOU assume the role of caregiver, it is often as the result of seeing a slow but relentless process of loss, physically, cognitively, emotionally.
Your father may have sacrificed his own personal enthusiasms and interests to offer what he considered “the best” for you as you grew from childhood to adulthood.
Consciously or unconsciously, he may have considered his sacrifices “deferred” and expected that as you became an independent adult, he would have the opportunity to resume a lifestyle that would offer him a second shot.
Tragically for those of us who are in geriatric care, the difference is that once cognitive/physical/social/mental/psychological abilities start to fail, the silver lining of “children grow up and take care of themselves” declines to becoming impossible.
“I LOVE MY DAD SO MUCH, THAT IT WILL BE DIFFERENT FOR ME WHEN I’M TAKING CARE OF HIM”.
To avoid resentments that ruin your relationship and precious memories, ask for help wherever it is available and don't give up.
No need to martyr yourself, you can show love and respect without living in the sad reality of mental deterioration. Start writing a pro and con list and visit assisted living facilities in your location so that you are educated about the subject and always know that you have choices.
Make an appointment with a Elder Law Attorney who can asses his ability pay for care if that is the direction you go now or later. While you're there, start planning your own last chapter so that those you love won't be faced with the same dilemma your dad is in.
There are many factors in placing your dad starting with asking him what he wants, what does he own (house, car, boat and ???) and his willingness to visit senior living in your community. We can't always make other people happy, but it helps to understand what he likes and will cooperate with.
While you figure out the next move, make sure you prioritize your happiness too!
Taking your dad into your home is not a good option. Instead, you should get a full assessment to determine what your father needs for living. As Margaret McKen said earlier, click on the "Care Topics" on the top of the agingcare screen. A social worker may also help.
My Mom was very easy considered to a lot of parents mentioned on this forum. Me, Dementia was too unpredictable. I work better when everything has an order. I cannot do chaos. Caring for Mom was like caring for a toddler. She was an avid reader. Couldn't read anymore. Never played games, cards or did puzzles. With Dementia there was no teaching her and I did not enjoy these things either. She sat and watch TV all day which she never did before. My house was not set up for her needs. I havev3 flights of stairs. Daycare made things a little better. I went to an AL to ask about respite care and found they were having a 50% sale off of room and board. Grabbed at that. Best decision I ever made. She had more freedom to walk around, socialization and activities. The staff loved her.
I never took Mom in thinking she would live with me the rest of her life. My parents never made me feel I was to be their caregiver. I did it for 20 months and cannot imagine how some people do this even longer with parents who are not easy. A lot different taking care of a baby then an adult.
This poster isn't new -- she posted a similar post in April. What's changed since then?
From your profile: "Hi my parents live separately but are in their 80s. My siblings and check in on them and provide assistance as needed. I would like to educate myself so that I can be better prepared to care for them as they continue to age."
I'm sure your siblings love that you are considering moving your father in with you. What about your mother? What happens when she needs help?
I think you already know what most on this site write when someone asks if there parent should move in with them.
"I must say I am surprised at the lack of empathy and humanity that I see from many on this site. Our parents may not be perfect but for many of us took care of us and spent many a sleepless nights cleaning up our pooh and vomit so IMHO one good turn deserves another."
From your other posts, sounds like you are still intending to at least move your father in with you.
You are new on the site, and welcome. You want to ‘educate yourself’ and you can do it easily here. Click on ‘care topics’ at the top of the screen, and then on A for Assisted Living, I for Independent / Senior Living, N for Nursing Homes, M for Medicaid, and H for Home Care. You will find expert articles, and many many questions and discussions of other posters experience. There are many other useful places, depending on your parents’ health and medical issues.
It would be a good idea to do that before you go to A Place For Mum (if you choose to do that at all), so you understand the options. It’s a lot to learn, before you can really guess what’s best for your parents. Good Luck!
Don't consider your home as a viable option. Last resort, but before you get there there are many other options.
A good starting point is the Area Agency on Aging. They are a wealth of information, free information, that will do an assessment of your father to give you a good starting point of his needs. They have nothing to gain from recommendations they may give you. AAA is funded by grants and an absolute wealth of knowledge and the resources available.
Honestly, I used APlaceforMom.com to assist with my search for care for my mother, and they found the perfect place for her. Yes, your phone will start ringing off the hook once they put your information out there to marketing departments at nursing facilities, but be open-minded and tour those places. Those that don't interest you (even if you don't tour them), just tell them to take you off their marketing list, and they'll immediately stop calling and emailing you. (There's no reason for them to waste their time trying to sell you something you don't want.)
I found them to be extremely helpful. Some here poo-pooh APFM because they get paid by the nursing homes, but who cares? It's your job to vet these places, and if APFM succeeds in finding a good match for you and your dad, why shouldn't they get paid?
I wish I'd used them for my mother's first nursing home. Instead, I put her in a home where my dad had been on the board of trustees, and while it was kind of them to take her in on short notice, I also didn't know she was in the wrong kind of care. She had a miserable time in that place and my husband told me that if we didn't get her out of there, she'd die, and he was right. Thank goodness for APFM, because they asked me important questions I hadn't thought to ask, and they only sent me to three places. One was perfect, and I could never have found it myself.
You don’t give us much information, but be assured that having him live with you will upend your life as you know it. It’s not as simple as moving him in and living happily ever after, everybody smiling and happy with beautiful music playing in the background. Being a caregiver is one of the hardest things anyone ever does. Read lots of posts on here. Research places where he could get care. Then make your decision.
was great, I never looked at my caregiving as work.
The hardest thing about caregiving is watching your loved one's health decline over time. Caregivers are a special person, just like ER nurse, just like a hospice nurse, they are all special people. They do it because in their heart they choose to, and they want to. Caregiving for a loved one can be a very positive endeavor if the caregiver has the right information and tools to succeed.
Facilities/Nursing Homes are in it for the money, to them it's a business. Facilities
provide the basic care nothing extra. It is so hard to find a good nursing facility because there are so many folks in the facility that a lot of times, the staff doesn't even have time to answer a call button light from a resident. The resident often feels so alone. Facilities are all about the money.
Being a caregiver, you just have to search your heart, and make your heart felt decision. It is better to be a caregiver to a loved one when you decide that you want to. Caregivers that have the "yes, I want to" are more likely to succeed. Much different that a caregiver that is caregiving " no one else will " mentality, these caregivers normally fail, in chaos.
You really might want to do some soul searching asking yourself "do I really want to", and if your answer is yes, then give it a try. See how it is working out, you may find that it is working out. Your dad will be much happier living with you. But, if you decide to place your dad in a facility, check reviews that people have written concerning the facility. Meet with the facility and see what they have to offer. Check the BBB concerning the facility to see if there are negative complaints that have been filed.
A true-blue caregiver will always be concerned with the loved ones "Quality of Life" which enhances the living with me being a positive situation. Only you can decide what you want to do concerning your dad. But, whatever you decide, you need not feel guilty. It is always better if a loved one can be at home, even medical professionals will tell you that.
Good luck, and always have a good day
. it is a lot more work than most can imagine and will affect your quality of life, adding stressors you can't imagine now. This isn't cruel; it is realistic - to consider what is best for BOTH of you. You deserve a quality life, perhaps have your own family. It is easy to project "I love my dad and want the best for him... I'll take care of him here (in my home)." It is quite another situation to actually be in it, esp as he changes and his needs increase.
- His needs will change / increase. Most here (and elsewhere) do not understand or know how the brain will change and the level of increased care needed.
- Ask yourself:
* Am I willing to be consumed day and night caring for him . . . changing his bedding? soiled disposable underwear? accompanying him to toilet and assist with showering? ) ... perhaps several times a day?
* Will I be able to handle his calling my name 20x a day asking for help . . . or screaming at me / others in my family due to hallucinations?
* How might / will my life-style change if he moves in? What is the 'worst' or 'most difficult' scenario I can imagine?
* Do ask professionals - social workers and do your research, visiting facilities and asking what they offer and weigh options. Include costs of when his health declines and more care is needed.
- weigh financial obligations for home-care (you will need help, which requires interviewing, calling agencies or independents, training... vs him cared for in a facility. Even though he will be home, this doesn't necessarily translate into MUCH less expense, if you include your own mental, psychological and emotional well being.
KNOW THAT YOU ARE A GOOD DAUGHTER for considering your options and if you decide to move him to a facility, you are as much a GOOD DAUGHTER as if you welcomed him into your home. NO GUILT.
- In fact, since you will have more personal equanimity and distance/your own life, you will be more available to him in every way - when visiting and attending to his needs.
Many here have been through this. I haven't. I work with people in very levels of brain changes. I have strong feelings that family members deserve a life of their own, need to set boundaries (and many do not know how), and must / need to weigh finances.
Lastly, if you do have him move in with you, what or how will you later on 'move him out' into a facility? Will this be harder to do then - or should you do this now?
Gena
Touch Matters
This is a good forum though. I think that of the roles that APFM plays, this is a good, helpful one. Aging Care is honest and decent. But with regard to the other situation, it was impossible to get my information removed from their database.
So, if, in the future, I do place my mom in one of the facilities that received my information from APFM, it is still likely that the company will get a percentage of that monthly fee. Who knows.
Her niece came to take her to grocery store every week... I moved out don't know how long she lived after that.. but body parts just wear out eventually.
I also lived in an apartment building with an elderly woman whose family had parked her into the apartment building... The apartment manager kept an unofficial eye on her. The family had told her if she had any problems contact apartment manager.. one day she went looking for apartment manager and got lost in apartment building.. she was taken. To hospital to get checked out. In ER she fell backwards.. that when docs said she could no longer live alone. Falling backwards sucks. Brainstorm problem. Lost automatic impulse to save urself.. like putting han on hot burner.. I don't do that cause it hurts and ur brainstorm will automatically send message for u to pull hand back without unthinking about it..
Falling backward means that auto response no. Longer working. I have 3 or 4 brainstorm lesions. But in the least important part of the brainstem.
There are no wrong choices. Decide what is write for you and your situation.
Most people here will write that you should not attempt to take this on, because it is impossible. It is not impossible.
Remember that this is your life, not theirs.
When YOU assume the role of caregiver, it is often as the result of seeing a slow but relentless process of loss, physically, cognitively, emotionally.
Your father may have sacrificed his own personal enthusiasms and interests to offer what he considered “the best” for you as you grew from childhood to adulthood.
Consciously or unconsciously, he may have considered his sacrifices “deferred” and expected that as you became an independent adult, he would have the opportunity to resume a lifestyle that would offer him a second shot.
Tragically for those of us who are in geriatric care, the difference is that once cognitive/physical/social/mental/psychological abilities start to fail, the silver lining of “children grow up and take care of themselves” declines to becoming impossible.
“I LOVE MY DAD SO MUCH, THAT IT WILL BE DIFFERENT FOR ME WHEN I’M TAKING CARE OF HIM”.
I said that, and I’m SURE I MEANT IT. We ALL do.
No need to martyr yourself, you can show love and respect without living in the sad reality of mental deterioration. Start writing a pro and con list and visit assisted living facilities in your location so that you are educated about the subject and always know that you have choices.
Make an appointment with a Elder Law Attorney who can asses his ability pay for care if that is the direction you go now or later. While you're there, start planning your own last chapter so that those you love won't be faced with the same dilemma your dad is in.
There are many factors in placing your dad starting with asking him what he wants, what does he own (house, car, boat and ???) and his willingness to visit senior living in your community. We can't always make other people happy, but it helps to understand what he likes and will cooperate with.
While you figure out the next move, make sure you prioritize your happiness too!
I never took Mom in thinking she would live with me the rest of her life. My parents never made me feel I was to be their caregiver. I did it for 20 months and cannot imagine how some people do this even longer with parents who are not easy. A lot different taking care of a baby then an adult.
From your profile: "Hi my parents live separately but are in their 80s. My siblings and check in on them and provide assistance as needed. I would like to educate myself so that I can be better prepared to care for them as they continue to age."
I'm sure your siblings love that you are considering moving your father in with you. What about your mother? What happens when she needs help?
I think you already know what most on this site write when someone asks if there parent should move in with them.
"I must say I am surprised at the lack of empathy and humanity that I see from many on this site. Our parents may not be perfect but for many of us took care of us and spent many a sleepless nights cleaning up our pooh and vomit so IMHO one good turn deserves another."
From your other posts, sounds like you are still intending to at least move your father in with you.
It would be a good idea to do that before you go to A Place For Mum (if you choose to do that at all), so you understand the options. It’s a lot to learn, before you can really guess what’s best for your parents. Good Luck!
A good starting point is the Area Agency on Aging. They are a wealth of information, free information, that will do an assessment of your father to give you a good starting point of his needs. They have nothing to gain from recommendations they may give you. AAA is funded by grants and an absolute wealth of knowledge and the resources available.
I found them to be extremely helpful. Some here poo-pooh APFM because they get paid by the nursing homes, but who cares? It's your job to vet these places, and if APFM succeeds in finding a good match for you and your dad, why shouldn't they get paid?
I wish I'd used them for my mother's first nursing home. Instead, I put her in a home where my dad had been on the board of trustees, and while it was kind of them to take her in on short notice, I also didn't know she was in the wrong kind of care. She had a miserable time in that place and my husband told me that if we didn't get her out of there, she'd die, and he was right. Thank goodness for APFM, because they asked me important questions I hadn't thought to ask, and they only sent me to three places. One was perfect, and I could never have found it myself.