Anyone ever decided to just not have a funeral for their loved one?

I agree with everyone. If there r only a few who would attend the service than I wouldn't go with the service. You can have a private viewing or none at all. If there r somefriends and family take them out for a nice luncheon or dinner to celebrate her life. Both my MIL and FIL didn't want viewings or services. We had a private viewing for family and a nice meal afterwards.

OTOH - Though it may be true that funerals are not for the dead but for the living, people's wishes have got to be respected, that really is more important than any other consideration.

I have felt so sad and hurt in a way I can't describe when I have lost a friend and there has been no funeral. It just does not seem right, I guess I equate it with if a person's death is not important it is like saying their life was not important I doubt it is anything as rational as that. It's just that every life matters and it seems some note should be taken of it's passing, and people who knew them and who must go on without them need to take that ceremonial, dedicated time to integrate their memories into their life.

Ladee: For each person, losing a loved one is different. And that's okay. ♥♡

damn .. hit the post button while I was editing ...

but .. *shrugs* I'll leave it where it ended. Except to say, if I went to any service or celebration, right now, my options would be to choose between lying about how I feel, or blasting everyone in the room. I choose the higher road to stay away. I don't need no damned "closure" .. not yet.

I'll admit it up front .. I have unusual/abnormal sensibilities. When someone I care for dies, I play ritual drums .. something that connects me with the ether and my memories .. to set them free. Not close them. I see "closure" as a negative: I close a book and stash it on a shelf somewhere to be dusted off occasionally, rarely picked up and read. The people in my life, the ones I care for the most and who care(d) for me, are with me ... are a PART of me, always. How I observe their passing or transition is a very personal thing. Typically, I will only share that process with someone who groks me. Those people are rare. And, yes .. I'm a loner, by choice. I don't really buy into the family is blood thing, with all the guilt and duty that goes along with it. I refuse to buy into the concept that my life will be forever empty after I lose someone. My "losses" in life have been enormous, yet the life before the loss made me who and what I am. "Closure" feels like a term filled with guilt and imposition, not to mention gory and gruesome. We stand over a dead body or their ashes and what? remember? glorify? lie about how good they were

Without a funeral, there is no closure. My 65 y.o. cousin just died and had a "dinner party funeral" and no obituary until I pressed her sister to publish one!

My husband died in 2010. We had a 2 day viewing and then a funeral service at the church and another service graveside with 7 gun salute. Hundreds of people came because Bill was well known in the community (from our garden center business). I am glad we did it all - I loved having three days spread out to honor him. Many people stood up and spoke at the funeral and that really helped me and the kids.

Regarding the elderly............... such.different circumstances.
My elderly MIL and mom will be buried without fanfare. Same for me. In a way, my husbands funeral was a celebration of "us" - him and me. Now it's just me and I believe that I was already honored along with him in 2010. No more needs to be said or done. Just put me beside him in the cemetery - that's all I want.

Emily, I believe that funerals are for the living and they often are more stressful on the loved ones. There is nothing wrong with not doing a funeral or obituary. You are the loved one remaining and you should do what feels right for you. I do believe your Mom would understand. My Mom has already stated that anyone who needs to know of her passing will be notified so there is no need of an obituary. She also feels that if they couldn't visit her while she was alive and well all those years...then she doesn't want them coming when she is laid out somewhere. I hear of more and more people not opting for funerals, and I will be among them with Mom and someday for myself. Emily, do what you feel is best...that will be ok.

When my husband died in May, he wanted to be cremated with no service. This is what I did and later had a "Celebration of Life" for the remaining family (just five of us). After we talked and laughed with our memories of him, we all went out to a restaurant and I had lobster and steak, his favorites, and enjoyed it immensely. He would have enjoyed himself.

My parents really did outlive most of their friends and family, so I have been to so many funerals. This post made me reflect on which funerals meant the most to me OR which ones really stood out in my memories.

Simply, the ones I remember best were outdoor, graveside services. I really do not remember much about the limousine service, grand floral tributes, singers, fancy hardwood coffins. What I do think stands out is when someone quotes a passage of scripture, poem, or story that reflects who that person was. What did they stand for. Those are the moments in a funeral service that mean the most and likely offer comfort to the family. The funerals that I remember best really were simple affairs.
Myself, I like graveside, simple affairs. I was raised and continue to live in a rural community where the standard funeral is a packed community hall or church, with a huge potluck dinner afterward. I am most willing to participate and cook, serve and cleanup for these events. For me and mine, less is more.

My mom died suddenly with little money or property. There are 5 of us siblings and my brother and I paid for the funeral ourselves as the other 3 didn't have the means to pay any of it. We did a modest funeral and when the others started fussing about why it wasn't bigger or grander, we just asked them if they were going to pay for the extras. They didn't have much to say after that and the youngest still isn't talking to us after 20 years.

When my father in law died about 4 years ago, when we were at the funeral home setting things up for the funeral, my mother in law did a pre-paid funeral for herself. That way she got what she wanted. Some of my wife's family seemed to think she should have went for a bigger funeral for both of them, but again didn't want to pay for it themselves.

Funny how people want something until they're asked to pay for it.

Let your brother take care of it.

do whatever feels right to you. A friend's husband (very well known in the community) did not want a service or viewing. Everyone in his family was OK with it. If anyone is not pleased that is really not your concern. You have been doing the care giving and I am sure grieving over the last months and are emotionally spent.
Take care of yourself. And do not feel guilty about anything. You have done a tremendous job taking care of your mom and giving her loving care. Give some back to yourself.

Dear LorieB... Your answer should be a headliner! Right...the funeral business is a Billion Dollar biz...that tugs on our emotional strings when we feel our lowest!

Dear Ladycee, I get it. and good for you, enough is enough! And as sooooo many have said, "funerals are for the living!"

When my brother died at 40 yrs of age, my father was devasted...and being a good Catholic and from the old school...he spend about $30 thou in funeral expenses. Believe me...he didn't have a ton of money to do so. I was horrified but I know he did it because he was so emotionally distraught! So sad, I HOPE ALL THE CARETAKERS DO WHAT IS BEST AND EASIEST WAY TO HANDLE THEIR LOVED ONES DEATH. NO ONE SHOULD BE PRESSURED OR CARED BY WHAT PEOPLE THINK. The only people's opinions that count are the ones that were there daily caring for their loved ones! I don't need anything lavish...nor would I even feel guilty about not having a headstone if it wasn't affordable! I'm there everyday caring and for both my parents and lucky me...they already paid for their funeral expenses long ago. I'm having a priest go to the grave site and say some prayers...and only for my brother's sake because for me it doesn't matter. May they Rest In Peace when the time comes, I'll always know that I did my best caring for them....AND THAT'S ENOUGH FOR ME TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT ANY CHOICES I MAKE. GOOOD LUCK TO ALL!

wow bookluvr...your story is unbelievable. not sure how you got thru that! thanks for sharing.

nansacola....absolutely loved your story...and ashes on the las vegas strip!! great!

For both my parents, there was a gathering at the house. People in the community brought food and we told each other stories. There was a graveside service for my mother as she had decided against cremation which was my father's preference. There was no service for my father. He did not want one. We buried his ashes next to Mama's headstone and planted one of his rose bushes on top. In my religious tradition, Unitarian Universalist, it is more common to have a memorial service than a funeral. We celebrate the person's life with stories, images, and music.

I've just started reading Elisabeth Kubler-Ross' book "On Death and Dying" and it reminds us all that we have come a long way, in the past half-century, to better understanding the needs of the nearly-departed. Most of us want to die in our home, surrounded by familiar things and the people we love. Most of us would benefit from long, therapeutic talks to dispel our fears and to comfort us. The book emphasizes how we need to focus on our loved ones MORE before they are gone, and LESS afterwards. Funerals have become a billion-dollar business, and the pressure to comply and/or give in to a guilt-driven excess can be extreme. The kind and compassionate way takes into account the person, not our society or the expectations of others. I love the answers above for their candid look at how death can be a beautiful, simple end to a wonderful life.

All the answers were very helpful. I am in a similar situation to many of the writers, and it helped to read their experiences. Thanks to all for posting. (:

Funerals are for the living. I would hope your friends and family will be supportive while you go through this and when she passes, I hope they will check in on you and just listen if you want to talk, or talk about something trivial when you need to be distracted. I see nothing wrong in no funeral. Remember her by doing positive things for yourself in her honor.
After all you have given I would prefer to think you are in a spa getting a little me time than standing at attention while a bunch of people who have not called you in a year tell you how sorry they are for your loss.

I miss my Dad terribly, after a couple of years of hating a lonely Father's Day, this year I picked up mom, took flowers to the cemetery and took her to a new restaurant. While Dad was alive - that was his thing - he always wanted to try the latest place - not fancy, just new. We did something he would have liked in that we honored him.

Best of luck

My dad wanted no service. The kids wanted something for closure, so we arranged to be present for his urn to be placed in the crypt, next to our mom. No clergy or anything. My brother and his children wanted something more, so they're having a small (pizza and soda/beer) celebration at their house, that'll be ordered once they know how many people manage to make it there.

I'm not going to any of it. I've made all the arrangements, I've been grieving for the last seven months, and I need to be done. I've told everyone, for years, that I'm not going to my own service, I'm not going to anyone else's. Dad agreed.

LadeeC

You can ask the funeral director to simply make arrangements for a grave-side or cemetery chapel prayer a few days after her death. Closed casket. No ordeal. Just a short 15-minute goodbye.

Great decision sunflo2 hope all goes well

I will not have funeral for my mom. I may have small immediate family together at actual burial and that's it. My mom has alienated all friends and family so there is no point for us either. We've already grieved and at this point I'm only one who maintains any contact with her. She has expressed her burial wants and I just say ok and will have her buried with dad but as far as the rest of it--I will not waste my energy or estate money for an unnecessary dog and pony show. btw, I don't want any funeral for myself either --if my family and friends choose a party when I'm gone --well I'm all for that, let them enjoy on my dime.

janetrose, wow, you've been through so much! I have my hands full over here with both parents, but at least they are still married 58 years and there are no step kids to complicate matters. How is your health? Let us know what you decide to do.

I agree that funerals are for the living. I don't think you should have to do anything to provide "closure" for uninvolved siblings. Do whatever is most comfortable and comforting for you.

For myself, I would prefer to be cremated and not have a funeral. I would rather get the flowers and love while alive... I would not want someone at my funeral "grieving" when they did not give me love or support in life.

Janet, how in the world were those step children able to successfully challenge the will? They must have had a very good attorney.