Anyone ever decided to just not have a funeral for their loved one?

Do what’s in your heart. My MIL is 93 with Alzheimer’s. We spent (mostly I did as a nurse myself) cared for her in our home for about five years. We cautiously spent what little she had on her alone. Her daughters had either written her off as already gone/dead to them or threatened litigation stating we abducted her and stole all her money even though that sister lived nearby and spent time in our home with her. They were like vultures over fresh carrion when we handed over what little jewelry and valuables we had of hers, waiting till we knew my MIL was beyond recognition of those things. We have had nothing but grief from them all since day one. I have sacrificed my employment career and added income to care for her even after we placed her in a nursing home with memory care/locked unit. So we have decided no funeral, just cremation and send ashes to sister in law who lives where FIL is buried. They can do as they wish from there. Spiteful? No just fed up with years of giving and no appreciation or relief. 5 years between family vacations or breaks. My family and kids have had to suffer because of these selfish women.

Dear Emily78, You are honoring and caring for your Mother until she passes. A funeral cannot help your Mother and is an individual choice and as it would cause you more stress than comfort do not give not having one a second thought. I wrote personal notes to the people my Mother loved or were good to her or to me during her long term care journey and did not have a funeral. I wish you peace and full healing and just tell your brother he is free to organize a memorial or funeral if he would like to. Kindest wishes to you and your Mother. May she pass as gently as possible and what better gift and honor could you give her than being there giving care, love and support? I wish you and your Mom comfort and strength and peace in the days ahead. You are a beautiful daughter and woman doing what others will or cannot do.

I am a church secretary and work with lots of families planning their memorial services. Some are small, intimate gatherings for close family and friends, especially if the LO has outlived many. Others are big blowouts with large family, lots of music, reception following. Still others are quiet, simple graveside services with the pastor. There is no one answer for everyone.

I was so grateful to read this question and the various responses. My husband died three months ago after suffering from early onset Alzheimers. He was diagnosed when our son was almost 4 years old and lived with us through the ugly progression until about 2 years ago when pneumonia and other complications made it untenable. I thought I wanted a memorial, but when the reality of how many people basically fell away from our life and how his family was in convenient denial and didn't visit I knew I would have only a couple reasons to have a memorial. The most important reason was for my son, who was almost 11. But after talking with him several times about it, and when he repeatedly showed stress and voiced a desire to not participate, I knew that he had already been through enough. I wasn't going to force him to participate in this ritual. And while my other reason for having one was fear of being judged by others, the idea of listening to a bunch of blowhards wax poetic about my husband when they were no-where to be found when he got sick, was more than I could stomach. So my son and I planted some different plants in honor of my husband and said farewell words. I have his ashes in a temporary urn. I have a permanent urn in I made (I'm an artist) and my son and I are going to decorate the top. Then I am going to suggest to my son that on Father's Day we spread some of the ashes in the ocean and say a few words. The rest will go in the urn. My husband was Buddhist and we will keep the urn by one of his meditating Buddha statues in an area of the house where we can visit, but won't be in our face every day. And if we want to change that, we can. All this to say its no-ones business but yours! You gave enough of your life, and owe no-one. Find something most meaningful to you to honor your loved one but also to honor the sacrifice you made with your years of caregiving!

Lovetheday,
I'm sorry for the diagnosis of early onset Alzheimer's. It robbed you of a husband and your son of a father. May he rest in comfort.

How considerate of you to consider your young son's feelings first. He was with you in the trenches and lived the sadness with you. If no one came around after your husband got sick, then I wouldn't give a hoot about them.

Your tribute of planting plants, saying kind words, decorating his urn, spreading part of his ashes on the ocean and making a small shrine in your home are all lovely tributes. I'm sure he would feel honored.

As for the rest, the old saying rings true, "A friend that sticks with you through the hard times is a true friend indeed."

Phooey to all the others.

For those who are wondering what to do, keep in mind you can always change your mind. Before our mom passed last month, we had decided not to have a funeral. Mom had really no close friends. Any funeral would only be us kids, so we thought maybe a simple meal in her honor, then a private burial of her ashes with me saying a "eulogy"--a commentary about Mom, personal from me to her that I'd had in my head for years.

When Mom did pass, we had a funeral mass in a Sister 2's funeral home she worked for. It was beautiful and many people came! In fact, my personal commentary I gave as her eulogy, which I am so proud of. I'm pleased--and I think Mom would be too--that so many people learned history and sides of her that few ever knew.

The bottom line is: suit yourselves. Funerals/memorial services are for the living.

My mom just died two weeks ago. She didn't want a funeral and I didn't have one. I'm the last one standing, her granddaughters are all worthless human beings, her friends and relatives are either all gone or way too infirm to attend a funeral and the only people who come would be friends of mine and maybe a few locals. Having a funeral would have been against her wishes and cost a minor fortune.

dmanbro; I'm so sorry to hear of your mom's death. I will always remember your devotion to her when everyone thought she was malingering and you insisted she be checked for what was causing her pain--turns out she had a broken back if I recall!

May you be comforted by your good memories.

Fortunately my parents arranged their own funerals and purchased a huge granite stone for my little family plot. Actually we have extra space so we’ve buried my uncle there too.

It seems that in small town and rural America the funeral is important, and important to people who attend church. I and my husband and daughter want cremation and then we’ll leave any scattering of ashes, burial or small ceremony to the survivors.

NO. Don’t have a funeral, especially if your son doesn’t want it. I was traumatized when my grandpa died when I was a child and my grandma made me look in the open casket. His face is burned in my memory.

Depends on situation. Whether there will be any added trauma or drama. I have
some insanely toxic folks in my life, so in my case small service for husband made
sense (I still can't even go into the drama, it's Jerry Springer stuff except not funny)

My dad will want something big, has already spoken to me about it. I know his wishes
I will have to deal with the grifters and might also have to deal with legal action too once
they find out. : ( . There were a couple that thought they were in his will (one was) and
then blew out of town. They do check back periodically to see if he's dead yet. Nice!!

Mom originally had big ideas on what she wanted. Big ideas. Since we had to prepay her funeral for Medicaid purposes, I insisted we pare it down mainly for two reasons:

I could not allow her to plan a lavish funeral and then claim poverty and apply for Medicaid - even though it's legal in our state to do so.

I can't see who will come to this funeral. Most are already deceased or would otherwise not be able to be there. Family dynamics are so bad that I probably could not or would not go myself (i.e. those who do not think Mom should be in a facility, that being in a facility was what killed her - indirectly blaming me for Mom's death. I will not tolerate being blamed for her death in any way and we have at least one family member who would make a scene at a funeral and it would not be out of character.)

I fully agree that no funeral is required and (as with weddings, graduations, births, etc) we've been convinced that certain things must be included in the process. In our case, I'd encouraged cremation with all services private, but Mom and others didn't want that. The decision makers agreed on a scaled back version of her original extravaganza - but even the new version is over the top given the situation. We'll see how it all plays out when the time comes, but at least the arrangements are made.

I too am of the belief that funerals are not required. If you want one and you have the means to pay for it yourself then by all means, have one. If your children want to give you one and they have the means to pay for it, hey great! Have one. But if you can’t afford a big lavish funeral, don’t have one and don’t expect others to pay for it. That’s just how I see it. I can’t see myself ever helping to pay for someone else’s funeral to be honest. If you or your family can’t afford one, work with what you’ve got.

My MIL passed away a week ago and she wanted a funeral and was able to pay for it herself. It was truly wonderful being able to honor and celebrate her in that way. I was worried that no one would come. I worried that her blabber mouth partner would latch on to someone at the service (he has a way of latching on to you and talking non stop) and that he would
start saying my husband killed her since he was her POA and made the decision to (finally) get her on morphine just 4 days before she died! She didn’t really have any friends, sad as that is. There is a large extended family but we all hardly know each other, we see them at funerals every few years and that’s the extend of the relationshipz Towards the end of her illness, a friend from her former job started visiting which was great and she and a few others who worked with MIL attended the visitation. But the funeral itself was small. 3 of her 4 siblings attended and a few nieces and nephews and cousins. The rest were friends and family members of her children & their spouses. Luckily there was no drama. We had a reception afterwards with catered food, and people also brought food. As nice as it was, for me it was a luxury not a necessity. If she hadn’t had the means to pay for all of it, it would have been very different. The mortuary, casket and plot alone were over $10k. The pastor and reception hall were $340. The headstone will be another $2k at least. Food and flowers were $500 five or take. There were certain unnecessary things that certain people wanted for the service and my husband did tell them that it was on them, they could pay for it, that he wasn’t going to use MILs money to pay for it.
In my opinion, what we have MIL was flashy service. If she hadn’t had the means to pay for such a lavish funeral, we would have done things much differently. We definitely would not have sought donations through a gofundme or anything like that. We would have done what we could with what little money was available. Now that it is all said and done, I am still anti-funeral as I think they are also for the living, but I am extremely greatful that MIL had the means to allow us to give her such a beautiful service. She did pre-pay for the plot 3 months ago but nothing else was prepaid.

If anyone wants to see your mom they should have been there by now. Why have a funeral! Put your mind at ease! If your catholic for instance you can have a priest come and give last rights while she is alive. Sitting in a funeral parlor is worse than the actual feeling of losing the loved one. After she passes it’s all about how you feel!

My mother expects me to transport her from Florida to Ohio for a big funeral/wake. Sadly, she has lived her life selfishly and really has no one to come to this funeral. I’ve compromised that I’ll have her cremated and buried with my father.

Tluther when I first read your thread i assumed your mother was still alive and wanted you to drive her 12 hours for someone elses funeral. Bad idea in itself. Now I understand. perhaps you can mail the ashes to the local church where the funeral would have been and including an appropriate donation request the priest will probably have no problem sprinkling her remains on her husband 's grave

I have had to cope with the passing of two husbands. First one was Jewish as am I and there was no question at all about having a funeral and service. At the cemetery I had made it clear that not dirt was to be put on the casket until I was out of the cemetery. The family was considerate of my feelings and that did not happen. My current husband was not Jewish and he made it very clear to me even before he got real sick that no funeral, no service, no publication in the paper, just to be cremated and I was to receive the ashes. His wishes were carried through as he wanted. It is up to you as to what you want. There are no set rules except what must be done legally as per the state you live in. Go from there and don't let anyone try to change your mind. Comply with the wishes in the will.

I think it is a very personal thing and the decision perhaps should be made after discussion if possible with the person expected to pass on...but in the end, it should be the decision of the person who is going to potentially go into debt. Some places have Memorial Societies where it is decent, basic, and lower cost/no frill. ALthough you may not think so now, you may want the opportunity to received the support of your own small circle, but then if that is not available...there is little sense. It always saddens me that for some, even good people, it all ends up with an hour, a half hour, 15 minutes to wrap up their life, and then life goes on. Go with your heart, and if you think others do need to know, you can post a death notice afterward indicating private services were held.

Me speaking from the grave---"didn't I matter, my life was lived in vain?" IF I didn't have a funeral.

We didn't have funerals for my mom's mother or father or her sister. I'm the only grandchild from my mother's family and to have the expense of funerals only for her extended family wasn't geographically or financially feasible.

Do what is best for you. If you think you may need the closure or you feel like family members need a service to pay their respects... you could have a memorial service at home. It's a very expensive and stressful event to plan with a funeral home.

Do what's best for you. It's hard enough to lose someone, don't do it if it's not best for you. ❤️

My father didn't want a funeral, he didn't want to be 'looked' at when he was dead. He was cremated and then we had a gathering of his friends for lunch with photos and a video about 6 weeks after his death.
We told lots of stories and laughed.
His wish was for me to take his ashes to Hawai'i and put them next to his favorite tree on a beach.
I did so.
My husband's family ~ specifically the SIL is now trying to tell me how I need to arrange a huge funeral for my husband. She wants a grand finale of sorts. I will do as my husband wishes and he wants to be cremated and buried next to his father. No fuss and no muss.

My MIL preplanned her funeral and has something like 17K put aside for it. She wants her son and daughter to make sure that everyone comes and it is huge. I find that odd coming from a family who didn't do funerals or had very simple services to mark their passing.

My mother in law doesn't want a funeral; she doesn't want us to spend all that money (her words). She just wants to be cremated and buried in the same spot as my father in law. She's basically the last of her friends and there's just the four of us (me, husband, sister in law and her husband), so I'm not sure if there's any reason for an obituary -- although I think she wants one and they're not that much. I think it should be up to her.

Maybe something simple like cremation and a small private water scattering by you and a friend that supports you? A way to give you closure and give her a moment of love and appreciation at her end? I’ve thought about doing this myself many times. In the future, you might regret not doing anything but also I don’t think you should feel obligated to have a service if your not comfortable. You’ll need to be conscious though that you are not begrudging her family and friends a chance to say good bye and grieve bc you feel they haven’t been supportive enough. It’s a tough call. I wish you strength and clarity 💗