Anyone ever decided to just not have a funeral for their loved one?

My beloved mother passed away on November 23 after an eight battle with Alzheimer's Disease. She has no other family. Nor do I as a a single, only child. I buried my mother beside my father to whom she was married for nearly 55 years without a formal funeral or clergy. The funeral director recited a prayer for the dead and mom's aide and I each made unprepared remarks. It was perfect. I have no guilt that I didn't do more. I didn't need a formal ceremony to express my love for my mother. My eight years of caregiving said it all.

In December I made a comment on what we would do for Mom because she would not tell us what she wanted. She did mention she didn't want to be embalmed. When she passed in March, we had her cremated. My stepfather died 15 years earlier and was cremated and buried in a VA cemetery. Since she had outlived all her friends, sisters and brothers we are a very small family, we decided to forego a funeral. We had a ceremony with a minister at the VA cemetery and watched them place her ashes with him. It was just the family and six of my sister's neighbors and friends (who knew her when Mom lived nearby) - about 12 in all. Following that, we all went to a nice restaurant and had a memorial lunch in her honor.
Mom was a very private person, she hated funerals and would never have wanted a viewing or visiting hours, and she had a closed casket when my father passed. Its what she would have wanted.

I personally have no living family left anywhere. Most of my friends have now departed this earth. There are a handful but they all live far away and in other states and they are elderly. They certainly could not come to a funeral. And since my disability, I live in an assisted living facility and there is no one I am close to here because my mind is too sharp and I am the fish out of water. At age 83, I still hold two jobs and take college courses, to name just a few things I do. No one does anything here. So no one from here would come. I prepared and paid for my entire funeral a few years ago. I wrote my eulogy, my obituary, printed my memorial booklets, and took care of every single detail. If there are even a handful of people who would come, my executors won't have to do anything except take what I already prepared and use it. I wanted no open coffin - not now as I am in my 80's. So I will eventually just have a simple church service and I am very contented with that. For people with big families who want a viewing, let them have it but I want simplicity and I know my executors will honor my wishes - so I am at peace. I don't believe in big funeral expenses. I would rather use any funds I might have for charity.

Dearest Emily78,
I am the oldest of 3 daughters. When I called both sisters to let them know our Mom was diagnosed with dementia and heart and kidney failure their response was "well I'm not coming home to take care of her" I told them I always knew they wouldn't and that I always knew I would. They have lived true to their words! So have I!! Her best friend died a year ago and that was her only friend. Her "boyfriend " of 31 yrs takes care of her 3 days but he's 87 and I found out through a hidden camera that he yells at her and ignores her but treats quite differently when I come home!! At 63 I can't retire yet. I got her under home hospice care thank God!!! Mom has 8 grandchildren but only my daughter comes to see her and my oldest son video chats with once or twice a week as he lives in Alaska. Not one other person comes around! I've decided not to have a funeral. If they can't come and see her now why bother to come to a funeral?!?! So I prepaid for a private cremation and will have my daughter mix my ashes with hers someday. Then I want a tree planted with our ashes in the hole! Then we can grow strong and tall together again!! Just a thought for you!

I am 83 with no family and few friends still living. Several years ago I paid for my entire funeral and wrote up a eulogy to be read at a simple church service, prepared my obituary, chose my flowers and did whatever needed to be done at the time of a funeral. Not a soul has to do a thing except pick a church date after calling the funeral director. I want no funeral, no viewing - nothing - just a simple church service. I am very happy and at peace with that. My advice is that YOU must decide based on your relationship with your patient what you think he/she would want. Then plan it according to YOUR financial status and what your heart tells you to do. Do NOT let other siblings and family get involved UNLESS they want to pay for some of the expenses and actively help in other ways. Then just consider their input before YOU make your final decision. You will find peace this way,

I have told my mother that when she passes, I will have her cremated and then I will divide her ashes and put them in little amulets for them to carry around their necks. After all, she carried them for fifty years, now they can carry her.

Just a private service for my husband. Not any of his family really cares or checks on him anyway. No service just a privite goodbye from me and our children and grandchildren.

When my Dad passed last Sept. I just had him cremated and placed at the local VA cemetery.

The only persons to be there were my brother, myself, and Mom.

He outlived all his friends, and his own generation. My generation never knew him. The next generation down never took the time to call, visit, or have any contact anyway.

There was no ceremony other than a military honor guard.

Mom will be buried next to him. Hard it imagine anyone except me being there anyway.

My parents put it in writing a few years ago: no printed obituary in the newspaper or such, no funeral service.

My parents want to be cremated and no funeral. Mom just passed away suddenly 3 months ago and she was cremated. We do want a simple Mass in church which we are planning on celebrating next month for family and maybe a couple of friends, I feel she deserves that goodbye. We just felt so overwhelmed we could not do it right away. There should be no pressures and do what is best in each case. God bless.

I never had a funeral for my mom when she passed away. My dad and I made a decision since my grandma didn't even know who she was, and my family was all too far away to attend, that we wouldn't have a funeral. Instead we had a memorial service by her gravesite in Maine (where we moved) and we had that with my sister and her family. Instead since we were in the process of moving to Maine, the church and my mom's work got together and arranged meals to be brought to the house for the three months it took us to move. It was wonderful to have meals coming twice a week or sometimes three times a week. We got to see people who came and dropped off food and it wasn't all at one time so no awkward issues. Some people just left it on the doorstep with a card. Others made a point to come in and say hi. Others gave it to certain people who had come into the house prior and knew they were welcome. I preferred that to meeting a ton of random people I didn't know and having people feel obligated to go to a funeral and us having to pay for one. It's a personal preference in my opinion.

I should admit I plan to do the same for my grandma for the same reason. She's to be buried in Pennsylvania and she will die in Maine and all her relatives are dead so it's just us in Maine. I plan to have her set up in Maine with a memorial service with our family, then have her transported to PA. If someone wants to have a memorial service for her (she has other family we haven't met in years) then they can but I plan to focus on my life getting it togethere here in Maine where she was and has lived with us for 30 years. I'll need time to myself to start having a life when she passes. I won't have money to spare to be flying and moving around.

My father left specific handwritten instructions that he did not want a funeral. He said "Momma (his wife) is gonna need that money." He was to be cremated and a taken to a military cementary for a free plot (which will be shared with my mother at no cost). My parents belonged to a consumer group that provided low cost guaranteed cremation services thru specific funeral directors. I bought a wooden box from Michael's, stained it and added some metal trim and placed his ashes in it. He was laid to rest by the military unit at the cremetary with his wife and a handful of family members. Entire process was under $800. This includes car rental for 4hr round trip to nearest military cemetary. Everything was done according to his wishes. Now my brother refused to attend because there was no funeral service with the whole layout and he said the cemetary was too far for people to go. None of these people came to visit my father at home or in the hospital. In fact some family at the cemetary hadn't come either. My father's wishes were honored. I have no regrets.

My mom died at 94. I have no siblings, her only sibling died before her. She knew no one in the small town we brought her to live with us. We decided we wanted grave side services with only our immediate family. My husband read scripture and we all prayed and said whatever we chose. It was sweet, personal and gentle. I had a couple of cousins who were angry with me, but they didn't come to see her when she was alive, so I did not feel badly. We owed them nothing. I would do whatever is easiest and less stressful for you.

This hits close to home here. My mom wanted cremation with her ashes scattered over the Red River or in the mountains of her birth. Then she donated her body to science. My middle brother says NO. Mom forgot to have the papers notarized anyway so it will be cremation.
I have the same wish. My husband, kids and family/friends knows I do NOT want a funeral or a memorial service. They have been told no grieving. They are to all go out to dinner together (I'm leaving money for that) and they are to enjoy life and remember the good times we had. Then come spring, my ashes are to be scattered in the blue bonnet fields south of us. If they refuse to do this, any personal items that would have been left to them will be sold and the money donated to charity.
I also have left strict instructions that I am to put into a facility if needed. They are not to put their lives on hold to care for me. I didn't give birth to them so they could become my caregivers.
My husband is the opposite. He is showing signs of alzhiemers and has for about 2 to 3 years. He wants to be buried with a full funeral. We have paid for our plans already but, he needs to purchase a plot and vault. He expects me to do it for him. I will not do it. He doesn't like any of the places I have suggested. And, he doesn't want to go into a nursing home. He wants to be cared for at home by me and the children. That is what his mom and dad expected. It was a hard several years with calls at all hours to go search for his mom or get things for his dad. I can't do this again since I also have been caring for mom for several years until Dec. 24, 2015. I see her ever 7 to 10 days normally, do her laundry, nails, etc.
If you don't want to have a service, don't. I want to see my friends and family while I am alive, not have them flock in after I am gone.

Adding to the responses from two years ago, I didn't have a funeral for my third husband because I had never met his adult children and my husband had met only one of mine. I didn't attend the ceremony in the veterans' cemetery when his ashes were interred in the cemetery because I knew I would become distressed during the rifle salute part of the ceremony. I watched a similar ceremony on You Tube.

Not to be disrespectful ... ok. I have a funny book. "Bad Cats", pictures of cats with sarcastic comments. One is of a persian looking fixedly at what is apparently a celebratory roast chicken with birthday candles stuck in it. Cat's comment: Strangest d*mn funeral I've ever been to. It was all I could think of when my Dad died. He was cremated and then buried on the grounds of their retirement community, basically just planted next to a park bench with a couple of my mom's friends standing around. Strangest d*mn funeral I've ever been to. But I felt it was also ok. It was what he wanted, it was what she wanted, and it just felt simple and clean, a peaceful and private ending to a peaceful and private man. Funerals are for the living, you should do what you need.

So, Mom died last Sat. I had pre-arranged cremation the previous Thursday. The funeral home said that they had to have my brothers written consent so I left it up to them to contact the brothers. When I made all if the notification calls, I told everyone that there would be no service, and that she was being cremated and her ashes would be returned to Cyprus, her birth country.

It has been a tough week but now that I have learned my worth in her eyes (from how she set up her estate), I have decided that Golden boy can afford to make that trip.

When I called to tell Golden boy about moms passing, he asked if everyone was gathering at the house. Oh, h*ll to the no! You couldn't make it out to see her for two years and now that she's gone. .. anyway, that was our last conversation. I bet a couple of the boys are still waiting to hear about a memorial service.

I called the funeral home and told them to mail Mom to my brother.

Mom2mom

I am sorry for the circumstances of your loss. Not just the loss of your mom, but the apparent loss long ago of her while she still lived.

My Mom wanted to remove my brother from the will, etc. fortunately, she cannot demonstrate her cognizance....so I can ignore this wish. I don't think my brother actually cares, but, I don't want to put that on him.  It's bad enough to lose Mom...but then to have the final wishes rub salt in the wound?  

I am sorry your Mom and brother put this on you

In your case, I don't think a funeral would make any sense. Why not have a private grave site service in her memory. I too have absolutely no family and only four or five friends who are far away. I am going to have a simple church service after the fact should there be anyone who wants to come. And that is all - and I have peace doing this. May peace be with you.

Mom2Mom, I'm so sorry that smug siblings are making a hard thing harder for you.

And the will....deep breaths. As "they" say, no good deed goes unpunished. You did right by mom when she was alive. It's cold comfort now, but as time passes, karma will be your friend.

For now, complicated times and complicated emotions. Stay strong. We're here for you.

No one's fault except, really, M2M's mom. But... in light of everything and the estate divide...

M2M... I can't say I wouldn't do the same. Actually, I WISH for the strength to do the same. To just be done with that. Please move on and as quickly as possible since there is no changing anything now. Please go be very happy. :) The last of it is over, right? I know it's not so easy to mend feelings, but I do wish for you acceptance, and then dismissiveness... leave it in the past, because it is done, even if recent past.

(Those that can't do, teach. 😌)

M2M I am so sorry to hear about your mother passing.
And if that's not too emotional for you to cope with, there's always the family to help make things better (I am being facetious).
I have a brother with a wife and 5 adult children that lived in the same town where my mother had been in a NH for about 14 months before she passed. Maybe those kids and my brother visited once per year.
I never saw their names in the visitors book, anyway.
My other brother and I had pre paid her funeral.
I didn't know what to expect at the funeral home but certainly didn't need more stress and I had just lost my mother, my best friend.
He and his family showed up at the viewing. It was very awkward and I found myself getting very angry towards them.
He went to sign the visitor's book and I confronted him when he was leaving and asked him wtf he had been for the past 2 years. It wasn't pretty but I didn't care.
He and his family came to the church and the cemetery as well. By that time I was over him and just allowed myself to get lost in her final goodbye.
To sum it all up, the heck with your brother and any other family member that has the nerve to give you grief!
And believe me, that brother gave my mom plenty of grief while she was alive. I couldn't fanthom having him come and pretend like he cared. Over my dead body.
Do what you think is right M2M. Have faith and feel good about the fact you have your mother your best every day. That will get you through your grief.

As the major person in her life, it is totally up to you, and your mother to decide, if she wants to and is able to share her thoughts.
Funerals are a huge expense; it gets to be crazy and can be simple. In my parts we have a Memorial Society of some sort...a local funeral home would know about it I would think...and a simple service and burial can be arranged. You can always put an announcement in the paper, and say "burial private". And then invite those you wish, if any. Or a memorial service will be held at a later date. And then announce that publicly if you wish, or invite people privately. Do you have friends who would be there for you? The important thing is you are comfortable with your decision...and you can change that in the future if you ever wish. Do something on her birthday, or an anniversary of her passing...whatever feels right.

I want to thank all of you for the answers to the posted question. I'm the sole caregiver for my mom. My sisters and dad died years ago. Mom doesn't want a funeral or memorial, but I felt like I was responsible to provide a memorial for others. I just feel overwhelmed when I think about it. I feel like it brings back the loss of my sisters and dad. The answer to just wait until I'm ready made so much sense and helped lifted my heart. Thank you! I do want to offer some closure to others, but am not sure how I will manage things when mom passes. Probably not the best time to take on more.

You don't need to have a funeral. You can have a memorial celebration of her life at any point in the future, after the grief-dust settles. Don't be pushed into anything that you or your mother don't want or don't need. It's not important. What IS important is to be with her at the moment of her passing so she doesn't die alone. Sometimes that is not even possible, because we are not there 24/7. But try to be. Make that moment peaceful, spiritual, auspicious and glorious!

Sending you strength...
UPDATE: My apologies. I just noticed your question was posted 2 years ago. I pray that it is long since resolved and that you have found peace. 

Hello RaisedOnElton, Your answer gave me comfort and much needed support. Mom is 99 years old and still able to live in her own home with a lot of help. Thank you for being so supportive. I am easily pushed into taking on responsibility, but have realized that the time is approaching where I need to be ready to stand up some boundaries and take care of myself. After reading your response, I feel that a memorial celebration of life on a significant date a year or so after her passing may be the best way to honor this great woman's life. I will see how I am doing at that time. My mom has always hated funerals. She has buried two grown children and a husband. Yes! Thank you! I want to celebrate her strength and love. Your words brought much peace to me. Thank you so!

My husband is in end stage cancer. He will pass this summer, I am pretty certain.
I have had no support from his family, in any way for as long as we have been married. He wants to be cremated and have me keep his ashes in the closet. He says he wants to be in the closet, because I might meet someone who is worth hooking up with, and then they might get creeped out by an urn on the mantle and pass me by. He is silly. There is no way in h*ll or on earth I will ever tie myself down with another person.
And there will be no funeral. He and I have been together for over 42 years, and we don't need a funeral. We are simple people, we are not social butterflies, and all the people who would show up at a funeral should have showed up BEFORE, while he is still alive. Since they didn't, they won't get to put on their Sunday best for him after he is gone.
We lived our lives without being noticed much, and so will we die, unnoticed. We are both okay with the circle of life. It happens quietly, the leaves fall, and nobody pays attention, except for the change of temperature. Life will be colder without him.

My mom and I were never close but I stepped up to take care of her because there was no one else to do it. She's currently living in AL, but she's 87 and declining, so I've been calling around to see what I will need to do when she passes, and what the cost of dealing with her remains would be. I expect I will have her cremated, as like you I have no one who would be at the funeral--other than my brother who I know will not be able to contribute anything to the cost, and has barely seen her in years. You do whatever you feel is not going to leave you feeling guilty, or resentful. And to h*ll with other people may think.

MaryCarther, I'm sorry for what you and your husband are going through. Was your husband a vet or served in any service like police or fire? The local unit might come and do a small service at your home. We did not have a funeral for my Dad last month, but he was a vet and the local Legion (Canadian version of American Legion or VFW) came to the NH and gave a very nice and short (20 min) service. It gave us closure and even if you are prepared having a few words spoken about your husband might help you. Even if it's just your local minister to pray over his ashes. God Bless...