Death bed confession (sort of) has me in new dilemma.

Hey OP we are clearing out my mom's house as we have a sale pending. This is last of properties. I found some things my mom wrote about me. On Sunday last. I have had a hard time with what she wrote, but she did. And I can't erase that,but what I can do is support you. And anyone else. This is difficult, no doubt. It has been for me.

Do what you can do for parent. Take care of yourself with same gusto. I wish you strength. I wish you wisdom. I wish you perspective.

Take care of you.

Mike, I am so sorry for the loss of your parents and for that unexpected and unwished for discovery. It sounds like maybe you would like to just forget that you found those papers, and maybe that is best. My mom, still living, was adopted; she found out when she was 18, and was not happy about it, and throughout the years it has always bothered her. And of course that was long before the advent of the computer and opening up adoptions. At one point apparently my dad and she checked with that state but there had a been a fire with records destroyed... so there went that possibility. (Of course in my mind, I think, ohhh, after so watching many criminal tv shows, maybe the records were purposely destroyed... )

If you have a happy and complete life, maybe let it be? No advice, though, just however you feel, go with it.

Wow! I found out at 40 about my “real” father. Things like this r shocking to say the least. Maybe the take away is that hopefully your adoptive family was wonderful to u.
Prayers for u to find peace
maybe there is a support group for this somewhere. Even on line. It helps to know u r not alone.

I’d never considered not telling your kid they’re adopted because you’re scared of the bio parent taking them back, but...

My neighbors adopted their granddaughter. The bio mom just up and left. Turns out she had a habit of having babies with unstable guys and then leaving. Then their son got thrown in jail for drug dealing. The plan was temporary custody— had they not taken her, she’d have been put in foster care. The son stopped caring after he was out of jail, so they legally adopted her. The grandkid was a baby when all this began. She is 10 now and knew she was adopted but not the circumstances. So they all went to a child counselor and approached it as “Anna’s Story”. (Kept the harsher details of drug addict father out, but plan to discuss it with her when she’s a bit older.) She was happy to learn her story, but asked if her bio parents could ever come back and take her away. 😟 They didn’t even know she’d wondered that. They promised her that would never happen.

I know someone in his 50s who is adopted; knew since he was small. He eventually tracked down his birth mom. They talked on the phone but she didn’t want to keep in touch— she’d had him as a teenager before she met her husband, and she’d never told him about it. Crazy! He understood and is okay with it.

Hi mikejrexec:
Just some random thoughts...Condolences for your losses....Re: your finding information about your possible adoption--- You could research further to find out more about yourself......Ancestry dna might help...Your brother was adopted too? Perhaps it's a generational thing...to hide adoption stuff....I wish you luck....Often those who were/are adopted struggle with the question, why were they given-up for adoption?? Since you wrote that you are extremely old .........you were bornaround the time when electricity was discovered.... during a time where many were forced to give-up their babies, due to stigma or coercion by families. Since only you know if those who raised you were kind, supportive, etc. I cannot assume that they were loving,etc. If curiosity has piqued..https://www.23andme.com might help...I'm guessing you've "done the math" and have calculated the probability that your biologicals, might be deceased...Therefore, it might be worth a search for curiosity or health purposes. Who knows you might be another Toby Dawson story...Condolences for the loss of those who raised you.

I am sorry that you found out about being adopted this way.
I would say that you are in shock, so give yourself some time to get through the loss of your mom. Then spend time thinking on yourself and how it is effecting you. I believe this will guide you to know what you may or may not want to pursue. Take Care <3

Whoa! That’s a lot to absorb and at the heels of her death and your mourning. I hope you find peace with this new information. A lot of folks have found missing relatives through the DNA sharing sites. Perhaps you’ll enjoy the search for your biological family. You may find out someone’s been looking for you for a long time.

That’s big! Was there info on your birth parents? I guess that generation often chose not to tell children they were adopted, generally. I hope you are able to process your feelings soon either with loved ones or a professional counselor. Best wishes for a happy ending to this story. I too miss my Dad but am glad we both are no longer stressed and suffering.

Have you told your brother? If you're relationship is good then maybe you can both help each other? I know you're not looking for answers really but for some reason this jumped out at me. I don't know how I'd feel maybe numb is good for now. I also think it has something to do with the fact that you just lost both your parents and maybe I'd feel like I hadn't totally. Not saying this is how you feel. I'd like to know later what you decided to do or not do?

Should you want to find the birth parent or the family, you could do the DNA test through any of the ones you hear about like Ancestry. I am sorry that your mom passed, went through that myself last year. It takes some time to get your mind in order and learning about all that, sure you would of liked to talked to her about it. She sounds like a good mom. Blessings.

Wow, what a shock. She wanted you to know, apparently. That would be a tough one. My husband found out at 40 that his aunt was his birth mother. It was peaceful for him, as he loved his folks and knew it was best. He was able to thank the aunt before she died. Best Wishes 🙏

Condolences for your loss. That kind of shocking news coming so soon after her death would leave anyone numb. It sounds like your parents were not of the generation that talked much about adoption. You may be interested in knowing who your biological parent were just for the academics or the medical interest but know that if your adoptive parents loved you and raised you, you are truly the person you are supposed to be and that is the important thing.

That is a beautiful thing your parents did and the love I’m sure they had for you both.

So sorry for your loss. Although it is sad your parents didn't choose to tell you about the adoption, they must've felt that it was for the best. I don't know how I would feel about the situation, but if they were good parents, I think you should just accept that they loved you.

My sister put a baby up for adoption years ago and there have been times I've been out and about and saw a man who was the spitting image of my younger brother. I wonder....................You never know.

May I ask what your brother had to say?

Your mother kept those papers for all these years because she wanted them to be preserved. Now they are your papers. Your choices: Keep them in your sock drawer, share them and search out your DNA family, or unroll all the documents and put them through a paper shredder.

Just a quick update. I asked one of the last living relatives in the family, a cousin if the family new about me and my brother. After a hesitation she said yes most of the family knew. She said it was not talked about in front of us since it was not their place to say anything. She did not have any information on why we were not told. She only said most of the family did not like the fact that we were never told.

Bloody hell, Mike.

I just don't know where that leaves you.

It wouldn't be fair to blame the cousin or take her specifically to task, just because she's the last one within reach, of course. But if it'd been me I think her reply would have put me into full Sarcasm Overdrive. Any other little snippets they didn't think it was their place to mention..?

Most of the family? MOST? How many people exactly were in on this and keeping shtum?

But, of course, what you do need is information. Have you been able to find out anything at all about the adoption process?

Hi Mike,
I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm new to the forum and I hope that you don't mind me putting in my two cents worth. Both of my parents are deceased but my father in law and mother and law are still alive. They're divorced so we spend our time going to separate parts of the country to care for them when we're needed.

I think that when a parent passes we go into almost shock. There's a numbness and the temptation is to put steady ground under your feet by taking the next step. In your case, it's been shock on top of shock. May I suggest that you sit with this information for a while and give yourself time to process all the stages of grief before making any huge decisions?

You could take a DNA test to find your biological parents but what if they don't want contact? What if they're deceased? We're the same age so I know that's a double edged sword. Waiting or not waiting is a tricky proposition. That doesn't even touch the problem with the fact that some family members knew but didn't know why you weren't told.

Letting it out is good. That's how you start healing. Please remember to be kind to yourself while you're going through this process. You sound like such a good and kind person and it's stressful taking care of elderly parents. I remember all the adrenaline of worrying all the time then suddenly when it stopped, I didn't know what to do. My answer was simply to be. My deepest condolences.

Mike, I recently met a woman that had adopted 2 girls, whom are grown women now. She told me 20 times in the course of a 15 minute conversation that they were not her biological children, they were adopted, they weren't real sisters, they weren't her real children and rinse and repeat. I thought of your situation and I realized that you were one of the lucky ones, your parents cherished being your mom and dad, they loved you and raised you guys as their own children. This woman has not let these "daughters" forget for one minute that she is not/was not their real mom. She reminded them constantly of the favor she had done them. I was actually physically ill after hearing her, my heart was broken for these women that had to grow up being reminded how grateful they should be to this beast of a female.

So, you are blessed that you were raised believing that you were theirs, all the good, all the bad and everything in between they accepted and owned as their very own sons.

I know finding out the way you did was a shock and the revelation that you two were the only ones that didn't know is difficult, but not as difficult as what could have been. I just felt really led to share this with you.

I pray you are doing well and finding your new normal after everything.

Since your family is aware of the adoption, try and piece together all the details while you still can. I unearthed a family secret and was lucky enough to get the details from my 90 year old aunt. She not only had the info, she had photos!

Just in case anyone is still following this thread, I wanted to say that I was able to find my birth Mother. We are going to meet for the first time in a few weeks. It also turns out I have 3 half siblings and 2 half nephews. I'll probably learn of more relatives at my reunion. Thank you all for all the kind words and advice.

Ohmygoodness Mike I am on tenterhooks for you!

Will you have anybody with you for support when you meet your mother? Not to do anything, just to stand by in case you need your hand held; but anyway I hope this will be wonderful for both of you.

Good news indeed. May this be a wonderful reunion for all of you.

Mike; I am so happy for you! I hope that this meeting is a good beginning for you both.

I hope the meeting is everything you could hope for.
Sometimes we have to float up pretty high to catch a glimpse of what has transpired in our lifetimes and the lives of our loved ones.
Thank you for taking us on your journey.

You found your birth mother.🌼 Now the meeting could be favorable or not so pleasant Please understand that giving up a child is incredibly painful and often isn't the birth mother's choice, that generation tended to base decisions on very different reasons.Placing you for adoption could have been age-based....no matter the reason separating yourself from your new-born child is anti-instinctual, awful heart-stopping, experience.

Example: I have a friend 🐣whose birth-mother 🐥psychologically collapsed into death, 17 years after she🐥 was coerced to give-up her child🐣. . I watched the process, and know that the birth mother 🐥didn't want to give up her kiddo, yet her parents, coerced her to do so. The result was a 🐣kiddo who blamed himself for the biological mother's demise/death. The kiddo had no idea that he was forcefully placed up for adoption, kiddo knows now, and has a better understanding of what happened.

Conversely the circumstances between your birth mother and your bio-father 🐎could have been something unpleasant, and within a few seconds... your meeting could go south incredibly fast.

Or...perhaps your adoption involved a stork delivering you in a basket to your mother's doorstep.

Although it's impossible to know every element that was involved in the adoption process. Be open to remembering that nothing was or is your fault.


Your mother knew someone would tell you...so she placed the documents in an area to be found. Those documents ensured that you could have the option to contact the agency, to learn what was in that agency's records. Who knows why nobody told you, but your mom knew you might eventually learn about stuff, after she died. The reason for withholding that information could range from simple pride to....much more...

Hopefully your birth mother 🐥will be open to doing whatever you both decide is best, about keeping in contact...or not... the next step could move forward or stop; in either case you've been allowed to meet the person who carried you for 9.5 months.🐥. It'll be weird, you might experience an automatic umbilical cord based connection.
I hope the meeting is everything that both of you need or want it to be.🌸🌸

Hi Mike. I am 62 years old, adopted at 3 months old as an only child and knew since 5 years old. Struggled since 5 years old, I should say. I found my birth family in 2000 after hiring a private investigator to steal my birth records........adoptions in New York are closed tighter than a drum and opened for NO reason. I have 6 half siblings and my birth mother died 7 years before I found her. Birth father's identity she took with her to the grave. I almost had a nervous breakdown after finding my Birth family and reuniting with them in N.Y.. Things don't always turn out like they do on tv in an episode of Long Lost Family. Once you open a Pandoras Box, it cannot be closed again. I say this to try to prepare you for the emotional shock, good or bad, that comes with such a discovery. In many ways it's good, because for me, I "became real" when I finally found a biological connection to someone else. I even wrote an essay on it called "Becoming Real." In other ways, it's a gut wrenching experience that's impossible to describe. I was forever changed as a result.

I wish you good luck and Godspeed, my friend. Do check back and let us know how everything turns out.

I wasn't following, but I am now. Hope all comes out well, I am very interested in hearing about the reunion.