Death bed confession (sort of) has me in new dilemma.

Good Morning, sweet lady...I am so sorry for the loss of both parents as I write this. I am going in a few weeks to bury my mom, as no burials in the winter in Upstate, New York. I feel as I write this that your parents loved YOU so very much, Along with your brother, that No monkey wrenches did they dare WANT in this circle of love and a Loving and Giving Foundation they created out of Love for You's and from GOD, So the secret went to the Grave with them...
I feel I am right and God Bless, They now look down on you as an Angel...NO, you have Not been "Taken," Just maybe Now, "Taken by Surprise" BY MY ANSWER...xx

Mike, I can only echo my feelings of sorrow for your loss. You have done God's work in taking care of your Mom. I can't imagine the mix of emotions you must be feeling, but try to keep in mind that your parents loved you and wanted you. They did everything they knew how to give you all the love and support every child needs to grow and thrive. I know that this revelation is shocking you to your soul, and I pray that you receive support and all the love you need as you make your way through this.

I am keeping you in my prayers, Mike....

Hi - this has obviously come as a great shock and there are many ways to deal with it once the numbness has worn off - if it were me I would want to explore several issues, perhaps the first being whether you and your brother are indeed biological brothers. If so, then your mum did a very brave in adopting two very young children which you obviously were as you have no memories of this. But irrespective of this relationship, you may want to find out who your biological mother was and whether you have any other siblings. At 57 you have many years ahead of you and to find siblings you never knew you had, or perhaps even a mother or father still alive, might be a good thing for you. Alternatively you could just try to forget what you have found but it's doubtful that you can do that. Have you shared this information with your brother?

Oh my goodness. What a moment for you and your brother. I hope the two of you discuss this and it can even bring you closer. Please consider seeing a counselor should you need someone to work through this with.

Wow, Mike, what a tale. You are handling this well. One thought regarding your brother. You might consider giving him some control over whether or when he gets the news. You could tell him that you discovered something important while cleaning out your mother's personal effects and ask him if he wants to know. He may say, "Yes, of course." He may say, "No, I don't want to hear any secrets." Or he may say no and then return some day, mentally prepared to hear the news.

I have a sister who delivers bad news like a sniper when it would be just as easy to be kind and respectful. It does nothing to enhance our shaky relationship.

Hmm...I’m thinking from a mom perspective. You go through your young life playing with dolls and dreaming of being a mom only to find that when the time comes you can’t. Maybe she lost a baby, or more likely several babies. My aunt lost three, named and buried them all. She later adopted two children.

So you know God gave you this gift but not the conventional means to express it. Now, it’s the 60s. Adoption was not like it is today. As parents they were probably desperate for this outlet of love and just followed the advice of adoption counselors, family, etc. they didn’t have the same idea of psychology at that time either. I would guess “telling children they’re adopted could result in....”(add something that would have terrified your parents).

So they finally get this wonderful baby. They are overjoyed. They take great care and cross t’s and dot i’s, and their mission in life is to love you and never ever lose you because they have already lost too many children.

Fast forward through the years and they love you as flesh and blood the way any good parent does. You never notice a difference. Maybe they talk about “Should we tell them?” From time to time but fear holds them back. We might lose them! I have children. I can imagine the fear of them growing up, loving their in-laws more than us (closest thing to other parents I can imagine) and then growing farther away.

But.....your mom took care. She ensured their safety from the elements by double bagging them? Those documents signify the happiest days of her life. The day she was finally a mom. From this mom’s perspective, it was her treasure. You and your brother are her precious treasures. She kept them because they were special to her and she wasn’t ashamed but she wanted to hold on to the lie that “I am their mom. Just me. I love them, I always wanted them, and no ones going to take them away from me.”

Fast forward to more current times, she probably realized that adopted children might need or want to know about their biological families, so she kept them too, so you would have the truth and be able to do what you needed to do when the time came. I’m sure the weight of “an I doing the right thing,” and the weight of the fear of losing you was just difficult.

I can’t understand how you feel. But I am a mom. And from this perspective, you were fiercely loved. How blessed you are! :)

I could be wrong but i think from my own experience that not telling a child theyre adopted is a feeling of insufficiency (?) in the parent.

Since i was about 10 Ive known i was adopted but when my mom was in independent living and her 80s she started making remarks ... people would say we looked alike and i guess ive blocked exactly what she said but she’d remark to me something like we’re not related. she also once said that she was the last of the family line. Other things i didnt realize till just now that ive blocked also but must have been about her inability to have kids.

Ive felt for years that i was the puppy my parents got after they were in an accident and my mom had a hysterectomy. Actually not a bad feeling since i felt they felt they needed me.

They said that they had to go to court ... it was a private adoption by the way ... where they were afraid they wouldnt get me and one day when i was on a train to visit my aunt and uncle ... you can tell this was a long time ago ... i saw my mother crying as the train started moving away.

Yes im sure its a shock. But especially since your mom put the paperwork away im sure you can feel sure how much your mom wanted you and your brother to be her own.

i belong to two dna sites and found a cousin but my parents generation is dead now and except for my cousin mine either dont know anything or dont want to.

Youre still young yet so with the access available you can find out a lot ... more too than i can since im female. But now im kind of resigned and wonder why im still trying ... but i will continue to anyway.

Most of all ... feel loved.

I think adopted children are those that have been chosen because they are wanted. Unfortunately, some biological children aren't able to say that and grow up in a house that doesn't provide them with the love and support they need. I have two brothers who my parents adopted when they were very young. They are not biologically related but came to our home as foster children about the same time. It was clear that one of my brothers could not tolerate another move so my parents asked if they could adopt both children. Unlike you, my brothers have always known that they were adopted so I understand that your circumstance is different. But, I will tell you from a sibling's perspective, there was no difference in how I felt about these two brothers and my biological brother. And, from a child's perspective, there was absolutely no difference in how my parents treated any of us.

It's unfortunate that you found out about the adoption this way as it most likely wouldn't have made any difference if you had known earlier. But, like others have said, your parents may have been afraid of how the news would be received, so made a choice. You will probably never know the reason but you do know you were loved, cared for and wanted by your Mom and Dad and that is what is most important. I hope you find peace to help you through this difficult time.

I don't know if what I'm about to say has been brought up because I don't have time before leaving for work to read through everything.
I've been working on my grandmother's genealogy. She was born in 1897 and passed away in 1976. She was adopted and knew she was adopted, but never was told anything about her birth family. For whatever reason, she wanted to always know where she came from. So since all the DNA testing came about I saw a way to research and maybe find some answers. By way of doing that, I have joined some Facebook pages that help people do that kind of research. I know you are not asking for help in that direction, but there are people that are searching for one or both birth parents on those groups. Some have always known they are adopted, some found out after doing their dna that the father that raised them is not their bio father etc. I'm just wanting to let you know that there are groups born out of this for people that have found out information like you have and are giving each other support. I've seen them commenting about these groups. I just wanted to give you that info because at some point it might help you to know you aren't alone. These groups are usually private so your other friends can't see and don't even have to know you're a member. The groups that I'm a member of are also private. They are DNA Detectives, and DD social. They were started by CeCe Moore, the genetic genealogist on "finding your roots" and also the person that is solving all the cold cases your read about. If you are interested I would suggest you join DD social and ask for the name of the groups I was talking about. There are many sweet people on their willing to help. I hope whatever you decide to do, that you find the peace you need with your new information.

There may be another factor--simple procrastination (or indecision). I know a family in which the son was adopted as a baby, and the adoptive parents scratched their heads as to the "right time" to tell him. Should they "wait until he is older and more likely to understand and accept it?" Whoops, he got to be old enough that "maybe he'll wonder why we kept this information from him all these years". Now he's an adult approaching 30, and STILL hasn't been told, and I don't believe the parents have any plans to tell him.

I’m sorry for your loss. You probably will never know the reason your parents kept this news from you. If it were me, I’d like to believe that it was out of love. Not wanting you to be hurt. I had a wonderful friend that knew she was adopted. Her wonderful parents gave her the adoption papers when she married but asked that she not open them until they had passed. She respected their wishes and eventually found her birth mother. But, always thought of her adoptive parents as her “real” parents. Good luck if you decide to pursue that route. But, always remember the people that gave you a family 💜

I was adopted as an infant, my parents did tell me. I would say no matter when you find out, it's a complicated issue and will take time to shift though all the emotions.

I recently lost my last remaining parent also and that is it's own form of complicated grief. As a therapist I would suggest finding some who deals with adoption issues and see if that is a fit for you to process everything.

Take care!
Kay

Bless your heart! Sad to learn of this the way you did. I hope they were loving parents to you. You will get beyond this. Hugs.

My late husband's son married a divorced woman with a 6 month old baby girl who is now 32 years old. They never told her that my stepson was not her father, and in fact they even had the girl's birth certificate changed to state he WAS her father. I was amazed that they could do that, I assume he had to lie.....and they are very strict Evangelicals! The birth father, an attorney, had to sign something that he would never try to contact the girl, and I assume he never has. She has gone on to get a PhD in philosophy, married another PhD in philosophy, but has no children. After my husband's death, his family cut me out of their lives, and although I am sad about that, I guess I did the same thing to my stepfather's family after my mother died. I suspect there a lot of people in the world whose father (or mother) is not who they think!

WOW! I am so sorry to hear that. I love Long Lost Family, and am always appalled when people find out they were adopted in ways like this.
Sending HUGS!

Meant to add--you might try analyzing your DNA and seeing if 23andme or Ancestry.com has any close relationship matches. That is, if you are interested in finding out who your parents might have been.

I'm sorry for your lost☹️. I think you were meant to fine these papers. I'm a Mom and love my children wholeheartedly. Sometimes, while trying to protect our children we make mistakes. Maybe they meant to tell you, but then decided maybe a later time would be better, don't play that guessing game, remember the love and happy times you shared. I think it takes a special person to adopt or take on someone else's child, you see they choose you to love without knowing anything about your birth family history. That speaks volumes to me.
You see I wanted 5 kids, had a hard time just having the 2, but very thankful for them everyday. I wanted to adopt, but my husband didn't, so I didn't push it. Because if he couldn't love someone else child, I was afraid that child may sense that and that wouldn't have been fair to that child.
I told you this, hoping it helped you a little. I hope it has. Now rest, there is many steps in the greving process and you just gotten a bombshell. God bless you.💕

Not sure exactly how to say this but I think people might be surprised at the secrets that get carried through the generations. Some you may never find out. Some you find out years late. Whatever the motivation, I don't believe bloodlines matter all that much. If you feel you were loved and cared for, they were your parents. Still, I am sure it complicates your grieving process. Hopefully, you and your brother can share feelings about it.

I have no advice, just a stranger coincidence. I had a dream last night that a friend of mine who passed away last year at age 43 (heart defect that no one knew he was born with) told me in my dream he was adopted. Him and his brother look nothing like their parents or older sister. His sister has even adopted 2 children. I never once noticed they didn't resemble each other until after my dream last night.
His brother is actually my best friend and I was thinking of telling him about my dream- but after reading your story, I will keep my mouth shut. He just might be adopted, and I certainly have no right to make him wonder about it. So maybe your story answered MY dilemma. Thank you for sharing, and just think how much better your parents made your lives. The difficulty you went through as they became elderly were not in vain. Hopefully your struggles have made you stronger and wiser. Honor their memory by thinking of the good times you had together.

My friend, I am not qualified to give you an answer.I can only TRY to put myself in your shoes.
OK....If my parents, with all their imperfections and flaws, loved me and raised my brother and me as their own, I would definitely always love them and treat them and talk about them as if they are my own parents...because they were except the biological part.
However, I would want to know who my real mother or parents were.Good or bad.But it definitely would not effect my love and appreciation for my Mom and Dad. However, I think they probably should have told you either right after you got through those difficult teenage years or way earlier with the help of a counselor, Pastor or Priest.But they didn't. And that's that.So now you have the opportunity, if you like,to find out about your biological bloodline..but personally, I'd wait awhile until the grieving process is over.Sincerely, with love & care...YAH (yongatheart)

This is understandably a shock and emotionally/psychologically difficult situation to find yourself in, now. This forum may surprise you . . . with the support we / it can offer. My heart goes out to you.

My questions to you:

* What do you want to do about it now?
* How are you feeling about yourself ? your mom? parents? now - that you know.
* Do you feel that short term (or long) therapy would assist/support you now?
If yes, I know an incredible therapist in the East Bay (California), if you are interested. I am sure there are many available around the country working in this area.
* Is a good reminder to all of us here to open/look at any and everything we clean up and out in these situations.
* While I am only presuming this, in the 'old days,' keeping these things secret or quiet may have been felt/seen to be the best way to go; nowadays, it is so open and so many ways to connect with parents - ads on TV. We live in a different time. Your mom may have had the BEST of intentions to handle it as she did. And, she wanted you. Through Ancestry (or another company?), you may be able to find your blood relatives. (My friend just did-and visited her father's family a week ago.) While a different situation from yours, she is elated to have a blood family on her Dad's side - that she never realized she had.

* This 'could' be an opportunity to find out more and open your heart and life to an entire new group of family members. Gena.

I am so sorry for your loss.  However you decide to resolve this, be kind to yourself.  Big (((HUGS)))!

What a difficult issue at this time. I'm glad you could come to the site and rest assured, many others have discovered unwelcome secrets that came out. It's awful tough to realize that our elders did this to us with the best of intentions; it doesn't ameliorate the sting, though. Best wishes to you and condolences on your loss; you and your brother were incredibly precious to your parents, so much so that she carried the papers with her everywhere she lived, even in AL.

Wow! Obviously, you need time to grieve, but when you are ready, you may want to try to learn who your birth parents are or were. Here in Massachusetts, if you were born before 1974, you can request your pre-adoption documentation. From this you should at least learn who your birth mother was. For all you know, you may have half-siblings out there somewhere. I did the Ancestry DNA thing just to learn about my ethnicity, but low and behold, someone else who had been adopted (and their parents had passed away from old age) did the DNA test. I was the closest match to him. He contacted me about a month after my last parent passed. We are either half-siblings or first cousins. The long and the short of it is, that he now knows who is birth mother is, that she married and had three more children who he is half-sibling to. He also learned that she tried to find him back in the 1990s but the adoption agency had gone out of business and she didn't know his adopted name so he now has the knowledge through his half-siblings that she loved him dearly and gave him up because she felt it was the best option for him. He is somehow related to me and we are attempting to determine whether he is the son of my father or my uncle. A virtual "orphan" only a few months ago, his life has become so interesting with more family than he ever knew. On the other hand, I know of someone else who was in a similar situation who through Ancestry found her birth mother who rejected her all over again when she reached out 58 years after her birth. Which is why I suggest that if you investigate, you do so when you feel strong and ready. There are many reasons why people put their children up for adoption and there are many reasons why your parents might have felt compelled to not tell you. Only you will know what feels best. Sorry for your loss, and for the conflict that your discovery created. I understand. But eventually, there are tools in our modern age that will enable you to shed some light on your situation if you so choose.

You’re not done with us, stick around :) You are now a voice of wisdom for all you’ve been through. You can pass that knowledge on to newbies that show up.

I’m sorry for your loss.

My way of thinking is: Your parents picked you and gave you a wonderful life. Think of all you would have missed if you had never known them.

First, I am so sorry for your loss. I am sure you feel very curious about the circumstances surrounding the adoption. If you decide to search out your birth parents, do so with caution. Some have sought out a parent only to learn they wish they had not and it was hard to shake them off. I had a friend who did this and they had led different lifestyles and it was bad trying to get away from them afterwards. Check them out before identifying yourself to them. Just a word of caution. That’s all. I am sure you have all of these emotions and questions running through your head now. Maybe your adoptive parents knew you were safer with them and protected you by not revealing the birth parents’ identity. You were loved. That is what matters.

Adoption was viewed so differently way back when( lol, I can say that cause I’m older than you😉) . But the proof is in the pudding, sounds like they raised you in a loving family. My sister’s kids are both adopted and she had a beautiful poem 90% of which I can’t recall but one beautiful line that imo says it all, “ you grew not under my heart , but in it!” Makes me tear up every time.

As others have said, consider talking to a therapist. There are potential positives and potential negatives no matter which direction you decide to take this. Please include your brother in this decision. There's the adage that it would be good to know health histories, but that could also in some respect be taken care of through a 23-and-Me health DNA screening. I am not sure, but I think you can indicate on DNA testing that you do not want the information to be made public. And of course, you may or may not wish to know about potential half-siblings and so on. I have friends who were adopted who found birth parents. One is now in a happy but distant relationship with several half siblings and another who had found a birth mother who was very clingy. (In our age group, the chances are less likely that that will be a problem.) But at any rate, think about all the ramifications and think about what society was like in 1959. (I was born in 1960.) I know you are grateful for your life with your parents, but also consider that your mother didn't throw the things away. She wanted the choice to be yours and your brothers.

mikejrexec: So far you have received some excellent suggestions, but since I haven't read them all, I hope I'm not being redundant. Just a couple of thoughts here. Keep in mind that at your age of 57, your parents may or may not be living. This is probably the time to begin searching, IF that is what you desire. Using 23 and Me can not only give you some information about your racial/ethnic background; sometimes it can identify someone who is a close DNA match to you. Aside from that, it is often important for medical reasons, to know your history. My sister adopted a child 44 years ago, who recently developed leukemia. My niece met her birth parents when she was 21 and last year, her birth mother became her bone marrow and stem cell donor. Peace to you!

mikejrexec;
Condolences on your losses. It is certainly not the best time to get blindsided by this revelation, but take time to grieve and take care of yourself first. Care-giving takes a toll, and loss takes another. There is time later for you to digest the "news".

Many have chimed in to provide care and support, including those who are also adopted and/or related stories about adoptions. Many people feel they can be open about adoption, others not so much. Since they are gone, your parents cannot provide a reason for not revealing this sooner, but I would suspect it was more fear of losing you both. So many people, especially those coming of age around the same time as you, wanted to find out or already knew and had to go off to find those "birth" parents. Some have happy endings, some not so much. Some resulted in breaking from the adoptive family - not everyone is secure in themselves or their upbringing. I would think that might be an adoptive parent's worst nightmare/fear. Then there is always when is the right time to tell the kids, if they feel they should be told. Perhaps that right time just never came for them.

Although several mentioned that adoption was a "secret", and it certainly may have been for some, it was much more of a stigma for the birth mother giving up the child, especially if born out of wedlock. Perhaps if it was a family member giving up the child it would need to be kept secret. Perhaps it was required by the adoption agency. Who knows. The mindset was certainly different "back in the day."

The MOST important part about adoption is that you are CHOSEN and LOVED for who you are, not for where you came from! You stated that you and your brother were well treated and loved, THAT is what is important. So many children today are raised in families where they are not loved unconditionally, or even abused (happens with adoptions as well!) All my cats are adopted and loved for themselves and their special quirks! I do tell them they are adopted, but they don't seem to care. ;-)

I read through the comments and selected the following from them:

polarbear
"The real parents are the ones that raise you and love you, not the ones that gave birth to you."

Midkid58
"Yes, there is your DNA, which makes you who you are, but your true parents are the people who raised and loved you."

Liz1963
"We're selected, not expected."

Worriedspouse
"You can speculate all you want but what you experienced is what counts because that was reality: They loved you and you loved them."

BeckyT
"My way of thinking is: Your parents picked you and gave you a wonderful life. Think of all you would have missed if you had never known them."

Jannner
“you grew not under my heart , but in it!”

These all sum up what I might want to say.

Your parents cared enough to perhaps protect you (or themselves) from heartache if either of you chose to seek out your birth parents, yet were wise enough to keep the papers in case you might ever want to know or need it (medical information could be needed.) Take your time now to reflect on the great relationships you had and remember all the good times. If you so choose to seek out any "birth" family, there are many ways to do it, but you need to be strong enough to handle what might come your way. Could be great finding new family, could be not so great. Wait until you have come to terms with it all so that you can sort through all of this.