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I am new here, but I now know the situation my mother and I are experiencing with my grandmother (97) is common and I am not alone. I am doing my best to draw boundaries but she is constantly complaining that what I do is never good enough, and I feel a manifestation of guilt, in an unhealthy way.


The issue is that my grandma insists that she lives on her own and not in a retirement community, but she is reliant on (mostly) my mother and I for all of her needs. I live out of the state, come home on my vacation for a month in the summer, 3 weeks in the winter and Thanksgiving. I too, work full time, and am also in full time graduate school and I do the best I can when I am home. My mother is a nurse, works full time, and also is trying to maintain a balance, but spends almost EVERY day off tending to my grandma. And, no matter how much either of us give, it is never enough. There is not an understanding or empathy that she is wearing us out.


I feel like whatever I give it is not enough and I am met with complaints, said behind my back. This week, I took her to church, (Sunday), had dinner at her house (we brought the food & cleaned up), Tuesday, I ran errands (haircut, dentist, lawyer, watered her lawn, which took 7 hrs) as well took her for a long drive (Thursday) and she still complained that I did not spend enough time with her, and I did not complete the things that I said I would. It is a never ending list, that never gets done. I always try and spend time with her, but, it is never enough. She then complains to my mom about me and then acts nice to my face. She says one thing to me and another to my mom. It weighs on me.


She also refuses to use a walker, requires someone to hold her hand whenever we go out, which is really difficult. I do not mind helping her in and out of places, but she requires someone to hold her hand so she doesn't fall. If we go to a craft fair, or museum, we are not able to wander and look as we please, but rather cater to her by holding her hand and being her walker. (or so it feels). Because of this, we established a boundary to not take her places, but she just complains about how she is lonely and feels left out. However, she won't compromise about time, when she wants to leave, it is time to go. Everything is all about her need and there is no compromise. She piles on the guilt about how she is "trapped in her house" since she cannot drive and is so lonely. On the weekends, she states that she cries, because it is hard for her to be alone then. While I respect her feelings, what can I do? I also need time to take care of myself and rest. I should be able to go out, not include her, and not have her complain about it. It appears that she wants to get out everyday, and never be alone.


We suggest she take a taxi, (it costs too much money), go to the senior center, or find ways to mingle with others her age to help with the loneliness. There is always an excuse to why she can't take these actions to fix the problems she complains about. When I am not in town, she has visitors 3 times a week (my mother, who takes her places, and my father, who eats dinner with her). She has someone there now, to water the lawn two days a week, and one day a week, we hired someone to help her 1 day a week (take her to the grocery store, clean places that are hard for her) but she also complained that she did not need her. She complains about the cost, and wants my mother, father, brother or I do to the work for free.


What can we do? I feel a bit hopeless and in quite a damper mood given that I feel guilty. Nothing is ever ok, the lists never end, and we cannot appease her. It is a battle we cannot win. I love her but how do you draw boundaries and let go of the guilt? I feel lost, because it doesn't seem like there's a solution here.

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There is a search section at top right of page.  Type in Gray Rock to find some info on how not to feel or show guilt, or react to requests.  I love my children, and had boundaries and said NO, and I still loved them.  You can do the same for your grandmother.  I learned to do it with my aunt.  It is not an easy situation, but we learn because we do love them.
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Unfortunately, one of the most important things you can do for yourselves BUT ALSO for your LO’s is learn to say NO.

Are you aware that your combined efforts at keeping the ship afloat are most likely erroneously persuading her that she’s “independent”? The issue with the walker is especially problematic. If she’s cognitively competent then she must address her need for a walker herself, and not rely on someone else to provide physical support for her.

As to the guilt, it’s time for those who love her to decide what they do for her that truly makes her situation doable, safer, and more comfortable for her without sapping them of their own right to freedom and comfort, and what they are doing to sustain an artificial atmosphere of her sense of normalcy.

Has a physician ever mentioned a mild antidepressant? Is her physician aware of her issues? Loneliness IS incompatible with optimum health, but feistiness is an important aspect of optimum health too. This is an elderly woman who is not being feisty; she is being manipulative.

In order to suffer from guilt you have to be willing to own it. You are doing everything you are doing subserviently and unhappily and STILL feeling guilty, and she’s still crying and complaining- and this is a NO WIN.
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anonymous912123 Aug 2019
Great response!
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Unfortunately this is very common. IMO, those of the Silent Generation, are the most overall chronic complainers, demanding, stubborn people that I've ever had to deal with. The want everything their way and that's, that. No matter what, they have complaints, nothing is ever right.

You are suffering from F>O>G>...Fear, Obligation and Guilt, very common in the caretaker arena. Fear, drives Obligation, Fear & Obligation drives Guilt, and that is what a caretaker is left with.

My thought is to stop trying so hard, stop caving to her. Say what you mean and mean what you say, boundaries firmed up, clearly stated to her. Of coarse, she will pull out all stops, she will be in line to win the Academy Award for her performance, manipulation, anger, dirty looks and the never ending tears.

When my mother got out of hand, I would give her 1 warning to stop, if she didn't, I would leave, no conversation, no nothing. She finally caught on, and behaved for awhile, then she couldn't control herself, same over again and I would leave yet again.

Your grandmother is good at her craft, manipulation is her watchword, and thus far it has worked. If you continue to condescend to her, nothing will improve.

Good Luck!
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Mountain87k Aug 2019
Thank you for the insight and perspective. I did not know about FOG, and the cyclical nature it manifests in. It was eye opening and helpful. She does need boundaries, and your perspective and experience shed light on the situation.
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