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My Dad (has LBD) moved in and built an in law apt which he paid for. Since then, he has paid my sister to take him on errands vs hire a caregiver as he’s paying her half the going rate. My sister shows 50% of the time depending on her need for cash. She is extremely toxic, bordering on being emotionally and psychologically abusive to whoever is in her crosshairs. It’s been this way since she was in her early 20s - she’s now 47. My parents have given her everything she’s ever wanted and has never held down a real job. My issue is that she is deliberately nasty and conniving and do not want her near me which is why I moved an hour plus away from my family years ago - just far enough that an effort would have to be made on their part (which they rarely did). My question is: do I have the right to forbid her on my property if Dad paid for his in law apt? To be clear, I know some families have issues with one another; this is different. My sister fraudulently transferred my moms house into a trust naming her sole beneficiary and her best friend trustee. She moved into my moms house after mom had a stroke and within a couple of years had mom hooked on so many pain killers, mom had to detox twice. The last time she was clean, mom almost od’d on a second fentanyl patch that sis “accidentally” put on Mom right after her discharge from detox. Shortly thereafter, mom had a 2nd small stroke and refused meds during the day - only wanted something to help pain at night. My sister started the morphine kit - it took her 8 days to die. Horrible to watch; no legal rights to stop it. Not mentioning this for sympathy but to understand my sister is really not a good person but do I have the right to forbid her on my property if Dad paid for the apt??

I'm so agreeing with Margaret. Frankly, I'm not seeing how you're forced to have people on your property that you don't want. After all, the main concern seems to be that you not restrict your father's access to his daughter. To me, you just want reasonable protection on your property. He can go with her off your property.

If you do fear that you could be in trouble for restricting your sister on your property--because she acts as caregiver, I also agree with others above in developing a contract that restricts her days of the week and time on property and allows for recording. Please see an attorney to protect you and to protect your father at the same time. All of you can sign it.
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Reply to MountainMoose
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If the law is the same where you are (and it probably is), you own the land underneath your house and your father’s apartment. Your father’s apartment might belong to him legally if it is ‘movable’, ie he could have it picked up and moved. If it is a ‘fixture’ then it goes with the land which you own. So legally the access land to the apartment, plus the apartment itself if it is a fixture, are yours and you can forbid your sister’s access.

However the law stops when you consider the other issues. I’m not sure that your father has a ‘right’ to see his daughter wherever he wants, but it certainly isn’t a good look if you try to separate them. There are several options. Could your father make a regular arrangement to meet her somewhere else – perhaps at the shopping centre where she is going to do his shopping, for a coffee while he waits? Could you make a time in the week when she will come, so that you don't feel as though you have an open house and no privacy? Would her behaviour improve if you put in the cameras or sound recording as suggested by our techie friend, so that you can tolerate it better. Could you put a simple catch on the connecting door, and only hook it when you need to separate the sides -it will look better than locking them out. It would probably be worth trying a simple option first, before going as far as forbidding the whole property to sister and other people. If you have to get more ‘aggressive’ later, showing that you have done your best will be in your favour. Even if you think the options won't work, you need to protect yourself against actions (eg calling APS) that could be even more hurtful.
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Barsenault60 Apr 9, 2019
Great suggestions!!! Thank you!!
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My Hub's sister is exactly like you described. She has severe mental problems. Ironic, as her Dad, my F-I-L is a doctor and has never tried to get her help. Instead he indulges her every whim.

I truly fear what is going to happen when he is no longer around and she will be looking to her siblings for assistance. She is not stable and despises me. I may need a restraining order one day. Hopefully not.

I have no real advise but just wanted to say I hear you and you have my deepest sympathy.

But as Countrymouse said, if your Dad wants to see her, you can't stop him.
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Barsenault60 Apr 8, 2019
Same scenario here. My Dads a retired specialist and my sister’s every whim is met. My parents inadvertently created a narcissistic abusive adult who already expects us all to step up. The irony is we do! I just don’t want the abuse in my home. Dad loves her even if he doesn’t respect her behavior. I don’t want to cause him stress; I just want peace on my side. Thanks for understanding!
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If Dad has his own exit/entrance than tell family to use it. Are you at work where you don't know when they are coming?

Does Dad need to get into your section because you share a kitchen. If so, can you get him a little frig and microwave? You could find or have a cabinet made that would hold the frig, the microwave on top and a cabinet underneath to keep snacks and stuff. Then you can lock off your area when your not there and when you are home.

Just a heads up, Dad paying for the addition could cause a problem if he ever needs Medicaid. Medicaid considers it an improvement on your house so its a gift. He could be penalized for it.
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Barsenault60 Apr 8, 2019
He has a separate entrance with a small kitchen area (no oven or stove) with frig, microwave, bathroom. There’s an interior door that goes into our house so that down the road, he’s right next to my bedroom and office. I work 12 hr days right now and he doesn’t always tell me when she’s coming. I try not to pry because I don’t want to make him feel like a child being questioned. (He will never qualify for Medicaid due to his financial status so no worries there). I could put in an eye hook on my side but he has an elderly dog who can only use the stairs on my side. I feel like I’m between a rock and a hard place. My Dad loves all his kids but has has a one sided relationship with her since she was 21. Totally his choice but the stress it’s bringing into my life is overwhelming. Thinking maybe the burdens on me to learn to ignore the stress!
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We had a similiar set up, elderly upstairs, we were downstairs. Visitors were nasty and treated the workshop like the Home Depot and everything else like a grocery supercenter. There was a common screened in porch with furniture and a grill they destroyed.

We ended up having to build a different entrance and locking our area up and the common area and avoided interaction with the visitors. Is this possible in your case?

It really sucks feeling like a prisioner in your own home when these visitors arrive.
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Barsenault60 Apr 8, 2019
That’s exactly how I feel. Not Dads fault but upsetting nonetheless. I want his remaining time to be peaceful but I’m really resenting the intrusion. At some point I’ll stop the cash flow which may end her visits! For now though, dad is competent enough that he knows he’s being taken advantage of financially so I keep my mouth shut.
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I’m absolutely NOT ignoring the issue. I’m trying to figure out a way to co-exist without having my heart and soul ripped apart. My home is the one place I can go for peace, love and tranquility. Now, my toxic siblings have the run of it. My husband resents a brother stealing from us, that brother also leaves abusive vm because he wants money and my sister’s constant manipulation and verbal abuse towards my Dad for money. I feel trapped. I don’t have to answer the phone but not sure how to handle keeping my side of the house safe and secure. Right now, everyone has free rein. Maybe I need to put in a lock? He’s got a separate exit but feel like I’d be locking him out too. 😢
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You have a legal right to restrict who is on your property and in your home; however, as long as your father is competent he has a right to see and communicate with all his children. Restricting your sister's access to your father at your home may push these visits outside the home. Your father may be hiring your sister to run his errands so he gets an opportunity to see her, thinking he would never see her if she wasn't getting some money.

When you father becomes incompetent the POA may need to protect your father from your sister.

I would encourage you to negotiate an agreement with your father that restricts the time and number of visits your sister makes and makes some provision for supervision of her visits by cameras, voice recordings, or another disinterested party. Create a written contract and get your sister to sign it before her next visit with your father.

I found an agreement signed by my estranged sibling that set basic ground rules (including being cooperative and respectful to everyone during visits) along with his agreement to be recorded very helpful. With consent to be recorded you can use the recordings with APS or in court to prove your sister's conduct (no more she said-she said). When he called APS after being denied access to my father for a week (per the agreement), I was able to show the recording to APS and justify why my sibling was being censored.

It's difficult to find a balance between a sibling that behaves badly (often our parents agree with this characterization) and aging parents who still want contact with their children, even as it risks their own physical, emotional, and financial health. You need to respect your father's choice of companions but that doesn't mean you need to take abuse from them either.
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Barsenault60 Apr 8, 2019
No matter what, he loves her even though he’s a little afraid of her wrath. I don’t want to keep him from any of the kids and I encourage him to go out socially vs just errands. I just don’t want to feel violated in my own home. Maybe cameras would be the way to go. She’s horribly abusive verbally when she thinks no one can hear - (she forgets to hang up the phone before the answering machine picks up). Dad is competent enough to handle it right now.
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I feel for you. If she is no threat to your dad, then I guess somehow you will have to find a way to deal with it. Not easy.
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Reply to againx100
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You are ignoring the only issue that matters: your father has a right to see his daughter. This would be true wherever he were living and whoever paid for it.

If you can't stand the sight of her, ask someone else to supervise her visit. If you're genuinely concerned that her behaviour towards your father will distress him, or involve some other kind of risk, then address that separately. But your dislike of her, however well founded, is not a risk to him.
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