The past year for me has revolved around my mother, who became disabled due to a stroke last May. She is home with 24/7 care, so I am not a hands-on caregiver, but I am an only child (my dad died decades ago) and have been managing everything - her finances, Medicaid application, being the only person who visits her regularly. I have two teen daughters who have been pretty attentive to her, but only one of her friends is still alive and it's a sad situation.
Last week, my very dear cousin died very unexpectedly after a sudden diagnosis of lymphoma that caused all sorts of complications and killed him in 3 weeks. He was 67 and had a very active life. My whole family is reeling. He was such an amazing, kind, talented, generous soul, and a fixture in my life.
I am also struggling with middle age woes and not having found a partner since my divorce 7 years ago. I am on meds for depression and have a therapist and great, supportive friends, but this recent loss has just flattened me and amplified my sadness and loneliness around all the other issues. I couldn't get out of bed yesterday and cancelled plans with friends today because I just don't want to hear myself talk about all of it.
I know the grief over my cousin will pass and it's not like he was a daily part of my life. But all I see ahead of me right now is losing my mom next, aging, and living out the rest of my life as an old single woman in the midst of all the coupled people in my life. I have no control over losing people, but I feel like I should have some ability to find someone (yes, I've online dated, asked friends, focused on other areas of my life, taken classes, and done all the things people suggest).
How to see a light at the end of the tunnel instead of dead ends everywhere I turn?
Just had to unload all that - thanks for "listening."