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It's funny, but I never realized until my Mother moved in with us just how negative and judgmental she is. Looking back over the years, it has always been this way - I just didn't realize how it has affected me throughout my entire life. Her compliments are always followed by a "but" (your dress is pretty, BUT why don't you do something with your hair?"... "That dinner was good, BUT next time try it with ____", and my biggest pet peeve of all is her pointing out to any and everyone their physical flaws. As a child, I was always reminded that I had a "bubble butt" or that I was "chubby" - the food we were fed as children was the cause, but there was no responsibility taken there. We can't go anywhere in public without her pointing out how "fat" someone is, how "horrible" that person's choice of clothing is, etc. etc. - and because she is hard of hearing, these comments aren't exactly whispers...other people hear her.. IT'S SO EMBARRASSING!!!

Now that my mother is living in my home, the constant negative comments are really taking their toll where my grandchildren are concerned, and I refuse to allow her to treat them the way myself and my siblings were treated. It was never to the level of what I would consider to be abusive, but we all had an extremely low self esteem as a result. The most I've said to her about it is "Geez mom - would it kill you to say something nice once in awhile?" Of course she thinks she's doing the person a "favor" by drawing this stuff to their attention. Oy.

I was just curious if anyone else has dealt with the above, and what they do to cope with it??

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TrueFaith, that is so sad and it sounds like it is dangerous for your family. I wish you had money so you could get away from your mother. Saying she's Christian and doing the rosary doesn't mean a thing if it isn't felt inside. Many people pray to the walls and worship the ceiling.
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Where do I begin...my mom is born and raised Catholic all her life and never missed church. Prays the rosary like 2x a day...but then can't figure out why she's such an angry mother and always negative...she's closed minded and believes she's perfect and what she does, being verbally abusive and physically abusive is normal to her coz I guess in her eyes I'm such a bad daughter when I'm literally the nicest person or daughter a mother can ever asked for. I am the most positive person, not perfect, but I know I have a heart of gold when it comes to people and never judge anyone,,, I feel like I'm her enemy, when a mother is suppose to care and nurture their kids forever,,,my mom is very temperamental and traumatize me and my sister driving her coz she would start a fight in the car while you drive,,so now we don't ask her to take her out anywhere,,,today I was making spaghetti, and I have a headache, she kept attacking me with hurtful words and calling me names...so I couldn't help to call her "ugly" and "pangit" that's ugly in my language...i laughed and my dad laughed, but of course she beats up my dad for laughing and then came attacked me with a backscratcher, and breaking it, so I pulled out a knife to give to her and knocked it off my hand...so I picked it up and handed to her again and took it and showed me how closes she was to actually stab me,,,my dad told her I have grandchildren that are 2 1/2 and 1 and another on the way that I'm the one providing for these babies and told my mom she's out of her mind and crazy...so I walked out and cried in my room and took a drive to get some fresh air...so sad that when she's 80 and getting older...im the only one who will be there for my parents .. my mom is so toxic to me, my daughters and my grandchildren, I wished to move out when i can afford to...so I PRAY lot, not the perfect Catholic like my mom, but I know God understands why I'm not a perfect churchgoer like my mom coz I'm scared to be like her...so I just keep faith, believe, and stay strong and positive for my daughters and grandchildren...God Bless us who are in pain,,, We stay humble and pure...keep a healthy mind, heart, body and soul...We have Angels!
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Beckncall, just a reminder that your "texting" style responses are difficult to read for many people, including myself. I think what you say is probably important, but when something is difficult to read, I tend to skip to the next response. And I don't think I'm alone. Take the few extra seconds. thanks so much.
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My father is EXACTLY the same. He is living with my husband, daughter and me since he became ill and unable to live on his own. (My mom passed away years ago.) He is unfailing polite to strangers, but treats me like a slave. Requests are never posed kindly. He barks, "Did you do this? Why hasn't this been done yet?" Or worse, "You didn't do this right." He requested a chicken dinner from our grocery store deli "like he used to get from the store near home." When I brought it, he yelled at me that he really wanted just a couple of pieces of chicken, "and what are you going to do with the rest? You better have room in that freezer of yours." As with the other posts, it's all making sense why I had such low self-esteem for years. Nothing I do is ever right. One time, my dad said I should have followed a certain set of steps when dealing with starting the car on a cold morning. When I said I did that, he said his new car was the exception, and I really should NOT have done that. Even my husband commented that it was a trick question, LOL! This experience has made me more mindful, though, of how I treat my daughter. I am trying to correct her behaviors in more positive ways so she learns from her mistakes without feeling utterly worthless. I don't expect my dad to get on bended knee to ask for something. I just expect to be treated with human decency. I don't think he would treat paid help this rudely.
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My mother has recently gotten into a thing of telling me I need to get out more. I work at home. She wants me to get out and find a husband to take care of me. I've been married three times, so I'm apparently not so good at picking. She has been pushing at me so often that it is making me uncomfortable to be here. How does one work when being told they need to get out? I get out a good bit, and work from when I wake up into the night. I know it is just her way of trying to make herself superior, but it is making it hard for me to concentrate on my work. When I say I'm working, she'll say it's not a real job. Leave it to my mother to try to build up her children's sense of self and accomplishment. Of course, she is just saying these things over and over to help me. (Roll eyes)

I would love to get out more. In fact, I would love to get out to another city. :)
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Wow! Well I'm glad I'm not the only one that goes through the same thing. Yes, thanks to Dr. Phil and Oprah, the "borders" of the definitions of abuse have definitely expanded over the years. I suppose if a parent gives off enough negativity to the point that it damages a child's self esteem then it would be considered emotional abuse in this day and age...I just never even looked at it that way before, to be honest. My mother has never been a positive person, but it just wasn't as obvious as it is now...or maybe my perception/tolerance of it is what has shifted? I don't know. What I do know is that her attitude has gotten worse as her own health declines, so I suppose maybe that is her way of "dealing with it" to make herself feel a little better? Hopefully as long as I am aware of it, and put her in her place where my grandkids are concerned, I can minimize the impact on the next generations.

Speaking of this subject though...my mother was transferred back to the hospital from the SNF last week - she has a colon infection & is weak. When I went to visit her yesterday, The Price is Right was on. She said "Every single person they have called up there to play today is overweight - and I mean HUGE!" I looked at the TV for a minute and I said "umm - Mom - it's a pregnancy special...they're expecting a baby, for goodness sake!" (((shaking my head)))
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Purplesushi, when I first started reading and making comments on this site I was a very frustrated person with a low self esteem. I had many moments when I was brought to tears by stories that were so similar to mine. I read the sites and books recommended and my outlook completely changed. I realized what negative comments and emotional abuse can do to a person. Even though I knew my Dad was verbally abusive, I never realized how bad my Mom was. It all made sense. Over the past five years I have come to realize what abuse is and the many sneaky ways people use it.

You will never change your mother, but arm yourself against the abuse. I hope you can still have a relationship with your Mom. I do not have one now, it was my only option. I finally stood up for myself and narcissistic people will not tolerate that......ever. Good luck
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(((((judy)))) - that was pretty bad. I don't know how you put up with it.
Madge, I agree with you on 2 counts - I think purplesushi's mother is abusive - it is called emotional abuse. Constant negativity and pointing out people's flaws (real or perceived) is abusive, and I agree, judy has nothing to apologise for. I am glad you got some of that out, judy
purplesushi - that it is abusive is evidenced by your lowered self esteem. You may find that you cannot keep your mum in your home because of too much negative effect on you and your family. Your kids/grandkids don't need it, any more than you did or do right now. It is draining. My mother has borderline personality disorder and is narcissistic, and I would never take her into my home. You may want to look up constant negativity, narcissism and personality disorders on the internet. Narcissists do what they can to get attention, so you correcting your mum is probably filling that need for her. It won't make her change. She wants a reaction - positive or negative. If you google "daughtersofnarcissisticmothers" you will find a site of that name, and may find some useful information. Mine is the champion of backhanded compliments, as you described above, and also sees things in black or white, no shades of grey. She sees physical flaws, and other flaws in people too, and doesn't hesitate to point them out, but never sees them in herself. If I were you I would run for the hills - metaphorically speaking - meaning put as much emotional distance between you and her as you can. How long do you think you will be able to care for her in your home, and survive as a healthy person and have a healthy family atmosphere? People with her problems are toxic to spend much time with. Have you considered other arrangements for her care? My solution has been to not take my mother into my home. No one is obliged to, and especially an abusive parent The aim is to "be humane but prevent further harm to yourself." (From psychologist Pauline Boss) I am 75 and she is 100, so it would be too much for me in many ways, but I would never had even when I was younger because of the emotional abuse. Mother is well looked after in an ALF, (though she complains all the time) and I am the phone contact for the hospital, her doctor etc. At one point, Mother liked to go "shopping" with me or my sister, implying that she wanted to buy us something, then direct us to try on this or that, and make negative comments. That didn't last too long. After one more negative comment about how I dressed myself, I asked her if she thought I didn't dress well. (I have compliments from others as to how I dress). Her answer was that she was just trying to be helpful, and that my sister appreciated her comments. My answer was that I didn't find it helpful, and neither did my sister. It didn't happen again, and we went on no more "shopping" trips. I find being honest is the best thing I can do for myself -and maybe for her, though I am not trying to change her. When she says that so and so is fat, I answer that I don't care to make comments on her appearance, and that she is a very nice person - or whatever.
Wishing you well. Let us know how it is going, You are certainly not alone! ((((((hugs))))
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JudymW, no need to appologize. I hope you feel better. That is what this site is for.:)
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omg.... I just saw how long my rant was. I'm so sorry! I just got carried away. So embarrassing.
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I feel like I could've written this thread question. My mother is a chronic complainer and negative person. She'll be 86 next month. She loves to talk about "fat" people, ugly people, people she might suspect are gay, etc when we're in public. It drives me insane when she gasps and points out an overweight person. Mom is hard of hearing, so that person she points out, often times, hears Mom gasping and will turn around to see my mother with her hand up to her face in horror, sometimes even pointing toward them with her cane. As much as I tell her to knock it off, or that I'm not interested in the size of someone's ass, she still does it. She may even repeat the nasty remark like I didn't hear it the first time. And, I tell her that I heard it, so she knows I'm ignoring it. I walk away from her in stores if she won't stop and I always try to direct the way we walk, away from someone I know she'll target. She's critical of everyone and everything. No situation can be completely positive. There's always a flaw. She's driven away all of her grandchildren, and it only gets worse. Now, if one of them attempts to visit her, she gets angry at them when they walk in the door, for not coming over more often and gets into their face about it. So, then they don't come back. I wish I didn't have to. I see her several times a week and talk to her at least once a day. I can't stand her. All I hear is how hard her life has been, how "awful" her life is, how my dad is a bum (he is!), how she's suffered, how over weight people are, how tacky people dress, how she doesn't like my nail polish or clothes, blah, blah, blah. If I bring a meal over, she curls her lip up like she doesn't approve of whatever it is that I've made. Its so insulting. I told my kids to just hand me a loaded gun if I ever get to be a sour woman like my mother. My mother will also say something horrible to someone like its a joke, and we all know she's not joking. I mentioned on a thread somewhere else that I googled my two aunts online obits to see how long they lived so that I could gage how long I have to put up with my mother. I'm just waiting for my parents to die at this point so that I can be done. It looks like I might have another 8 or 10 yrs left. I never noticed before recently, how my mother needs to be the center of attention and I've watched her put on a character that she'd like people to think she is, if that makes sense. We just went to a family reunion together. My mother took on a personality of what she must think is a sweet, funny, affectionate old lady. She called me "her baby" several times and then in front of a room full of people, asked me "aren't you going to give your mama a kiss?" when I was leaving. That was the final straw. I told her quietly the next day to stop referring to me as her baby and that I've never once in my life called her "mama" and that she needs to stop. The look of rage and disgust that was probably on my face was probably enough to make her realize that I was going to lose it, but she acted hurt, like she only calls me that because she loves me so much. Someone had even said something about winning the lottery at the reunion and my mother said she won it already when she had me. OMG. Sick. It was disgusting. I'll quit raving. Its nice that we're not alone in this!
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Madge1-totally agree with you. My mother could be a lot of fun, but she could also be so mean. It took me a long time to see that what she was doing was verbally and emotionally abusive. I have taught my children that you cannot say whatever you want to someone else just to make yourself feel better. My mom would say such hurtful things. Later she might apologize, mostly she would just act like it never happened. She didn't know what a toll it took on my self esteem. She passed away 5 years ago. I try to hold on to the good memories and let go of the bad. Interestingly, my MIL is living with us. She is much the same. So negative and ugly. Funny thing is it doesn't work on me. I see the games she plays and I just don't engage. It works for me, but my husband has a harder time. I do draw the line when it comes to our children. I have managed to shield them thus far. But I will not put up with any ugliness towards them. That is game over for me.
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Hi purpleshusi, I know what you are talking about. My mom too is the most negative person on earth. She is also 82. I do agree that this is a learned behavior, her father was this way. However, her mother, who was dirt poor, a share cropper's daughter, was the most generous, loving, sweet woman on earth. I think sometimes people choose this behavior because it makes them feel superior to others.

There is a great deal of arrogance with Mom and she is paying the piper now. I have nothing to do with her, long story.

However, there is one thing you said I must comment on. You said your mother was not abusive. I disagree, your lack of self esteem speaks volumes. It took me a long time to see what both of my parents did to me. I realized it is our job to nurture our children and help them be able to go out and fight their battles. Not to tear them down to satify our own egos. Think about it. I am not saying you should be where I am, goodness no. But look at the reality and the effect it had on you.

We are wounded by words as if they were blows and many times it goes unrecognized, Take care
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MY MIL's 'negativitity' morphed into serious anger/rage issues and an inability to deal with her own losses. Her llack of coping skills - possibly exacerbated by small strokes have caused her to be hateful to me - I represent everything she no longer HAS or CAN DO.

We recently - FINALLY - got a healthcare professional (her primary care physician) to tell us that , YES, there IS something WRONG with your MIL and he said it was anger/rage issues and I WAS HER PRIMARY TARGET. Actually, I am her ONLY target. She is sweet as pie to everyone else. The doctor said she does NOT have dementia - that a demented person does not have the control over herself and how she treats others the way my MIL does. She can be nasty to us 1 minute and as soon as the doctor or someone else enters the room, she is instantaneously Miss Sweetheart. He said a demented person does not do this. That it is her anger and rage that she cannot control - her way of dealing with it is to PROJECT it onto me.

After some very upsetting and unsettling things she said and did recently, I left for two weeks (with hubby's blessing - he would have left too, but had to work) and stayed with family in AZ for a while and there was absolutely nothing there to remind me of my MIL. My nerves were shot.

I have been dealing with this hateful person (who, by the way, is ONLY hateful to ME) for several years. NO ONE saw it or heard it except me. I don't think anyone even believed what she was doing. She denies it completely to this day! But, in the last year, she has not been able to 'contain' herself totally and has let her hateful remarks slip out in front of my hubby. BIG MISTAKE.

He now knows for sure (I know he believed me) that his mother is being unfair to me and he won't tolerate it any longer. Since we cannot move her OUT of our home (she does have her own private apt. built onto our home and her own entrance/exits) we have 'separated' from her. He explained how things would be to her before I came back home. I have heard her telling someone on the phone that she is 'waiting for it all to blow over' and 'waiting for me to GET OVER IT.' She hasn't a clue.

My hubby is the 'go-between.' For a short while, I was no longer her care giver - until Medicare cuts caught up with her. So, now, I do my care giving from a distance. I do NOT spend any one on one time with her. I still monitor her meds, make doctor appointments (but friends meet her there and go in/out with her for her foot doctor appts and hubby takes her to her other appts now) and she rides the Senior van when possible. I don't drive her any more.

I still send meals over and make sure she has groceries and frozen foods that are easy to prepare. Thankfully, she can bathe herself and dress herself, etc. I clean her apt. when she leaves to go to the doctor. She can always tell when I clean because I will hear her say 'the place smells like bleach.' She never says, 'OH, how nice, Oldcodger2 cleaned my apt. for me today' :0( She cannot acknowledge any kindness I do for her. Because ME cleaning her apt. is like telling her she can't. So, it just cause her more anger. But, she really CAN'T do thorough cleaning. She does keep the place picked up - but I clean every 2-3 weeks.

She blames this separation on ME. My hubby told her - 'mom, you brought this on yourself. It is your attitude. If you treated anyone else the way you treat her - NO ONE would eveyr stop by or call you. She just said 'I have to defend myself' and my husband said 'against WHAT???!!!' It is just the strangest thing we have ever dealt with.

We have blocked the doors leading into our part of the house - so I no longer receive surprise visits. She comes over once in a while for a meal with my husband and I IF WE INVITE HER. Otherwise, we are just neighbors.

My blood pressure is still higher than it should be - it was in the 120's/60's while in AZ. It's about 20-30 points higher here. But my doctor said I don't have a BP problem - I have a MIL problem. So, we are doing what we must to preserve peace and my sanity. You do begin to doubt yourself when dealing with someone like this. I do pity her. I won't say I have never gotten angry with her - mostly after she has pushed all my buttons. But I have been kinder to her than she ever was to me.

I probably should get counseling so that I can continue to be her care giver on a more personal level - but right now I just don't want to. So, I may be just as bad off as she is. The difference is that I still think of her and I do kind things for her and she never has a kind word for me to anyone and vilifies me at every opportunity. For this reason, I stay away from her. She does not deserve me.

Thankfully, her minister knows what's up with her and does not take her hateful remarks about me to heart. He has known my hubby and I for what and who we are for over 25 years. He knows that we do not do the kinds of things she says we do or for the REASONS she claims. But, it is hurtful to know that she does this behind our back - and mostly her aggression is towards me. Even though we have told her WHY the situation will never be the way it was before - we even have a half hour recording of us trying to 'reason' with her and help her understand 'what she said that hurt me to much - she adamantly refused to accept any responsibility or make any apology that anyone could construe as sincere and got up and went into her apt. and slammed the door.

End of discussion. So, things are a bit better. I can actually go for a few hours at a time and not think of her.
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Purplesushi--I agree with you that this behavior might just be a part of the time and place of our parents upbringing. My mother has strong opinions about women's weight and looks and she too, doesnt hesitate to share her opinions. She has commented on my weight to me since I can remember. I FINALLY learned when she says "youve put on a couple pounds havent you?"--I just answer "I know Mom". Then if she says something along the lines of "Why don't you go on a diet" or "Are you dieting?" I just reply "yes, I am". Then she has nowhere else to go with her comments. Ignoring, giving one word answers, agreeing... These are my weapons against this behavior!
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Purplesushi~My mom also grew up during the depression, she is the youngest of 8 children. My mom is only one who graduated high school.Grandmother cooked on a wood burning stove until she passed away, no indoor bathroom in the house until my aunt moved back in their home in the 1960's to take care of grandfather. It was tough growing up during the depression. My mother will not throw away anything, instead she tries to give things she no longer needs to others which is a good thing to do, but the things she is trying to get rid of are obsolete and no one wants them. I get a kick out of her even passing on old magazines, Lol!! My mom told me they ate a lot of beans growing up because meat was too expensive, grandmother would use some meat with bean dishes to stretch out what meat they could afford. There were only 2 girls...my uncles all dropped out of grade school and would hunt different critters, sell the hides to help support the family. I know my mom had a rough childhood, she was only allowed two dresses for the school year, was not allowed to socialize outside of school, and my grandfather had all the kids up early everyday for chores. He ran a tight ship, stressed work...no idle time was allowed. I never met my grandparents but I suspect the negativity was handed down from them. To this day, my mother cannot sit down and relax. When we visit her, she is up fiddling with something, back and forth btwn the bedrooms and the kitchen. The whole package was ingrained in her and it bothers my sister a lot that mom won't sit down and talk with us when we come over. It's just how she is and at 83 she is not going to change. I know it is harder because your mom lives with you. Can you get her interested in some simple craft projects that will bring out her creative side, keep her busy with something she could do on her own so you get a break from listening to her negativity? I am going to go to craft store later today to look for things I think my mom might enjoy so she can do something other than reread paperwork all day. You and your hubby will have to remind yourselves of Shady Pines so you can laugh. Laughing helps alot and I make fun of my mom sometimes just so I can laugh to relieve the stress...not being disrespectful. The other day my sis and I were looking for some antibiotic ointment in mom's first aid kit, only found an alcohol wipe. Sis who hasn't drank in 4 years said oh this is an alcohol wipe, my mom replied, I don't drink alcohol, only you do that...we both laughed so hard and it felt so good to laugh after the stressful week we had with her. Wish me luck in finding a craft project for mom, keep your humor going too!! Hugs...Sharyn
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@sharynmarie...."shady pines"...hahahaa!!!! That's funny! My husband and I have both said that a lot of it appears to be "par for the course" for the era she was brought up in. She is #7 out of 14 children (irish catholic family...need i say more?) who was born right smack in the middle of the great depression (1938), so food was scarce and so was attention from the parents. Her father worked and was an alcoholic - didn't have a real relationship with any of the kids - just kept expecting my grandmother to keep popping them out, which she did. My grandmother didn't have any time to spend with the kids that didn't revolve around giving birth, feeding/changing/cleaning them. She was not affectionate, and as a result, neither was my mother with us. They survived on potatoes, bread, and whatever other "cheap" stuff they could get their hands on...hence my mother's horrible diet now. I guess I "understand" why she is the way she is, but that doesn't make it any easier to take when you're on the receiving end of the negativity. It REALLY chaps my hide when I hear from everyone outside of the home (her old apartment neighbors, the nurses at the SNF, etc.) how "sweet" my mom is - she's "such a nice lady - you're lucky to have her", etc.... Why can't she put on that hat around us???? :o/
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I wish I had ear plugs when I am with my mother...it's the same and I noticed some years ago that my mother is more verbal with her negativity when she has a family member with her, I think it's because she thinks we agree with her. I started holding my mother accountable years ago when she would start in, I would tell her go tell them not me!!! If you think the person is too fat go tell them cuz I don't want to hear it! Of course she never would. She does criticize my sister's clothing, her weight (which is below what it should be due to health), she has criticized the size of my house, my in-laws, my son-in calling him a mama's boy,etc. I don't let her away with the name calling of family members. She is not as bad with me as she is with my sister. Now that mom is in mid stage Alzheimer's, I ignore her and don't answer. If she continues, I limit my time around her because it wears
me down. Before Alzheimer's, if she said look at the large woman eating a burger and fries, how disgusting!! I would respond, you're right mom, all overweight people have no MEDICAL problems that would cause them to be overweight so how dare she enjoy a burger and fries!! She would shut up. She never said anything about overweight men...go figure!! Just hang in there, some of the attitudes of our parents are a result of the era they grew up in and it seems to a common thing with many parents who are in their 80's. Not all of them but quite a few. Self esteem is probably a big part of why they do this. My son teases me saying if you become like grandma....Shady Pines Ma, Shady Pines, (the rest home on the tv series Golden Girls)!!! You can't change your mother...but you can change how you respond to her. Jessie, I love the hear aid defense, awesome!!
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Purplesushi....my advice.....dont waste ur energy on "calling her on it".....it's futile....She is set in her ways, jst as my mom is, n i use my mother's weaknesses to help build my strengths....U can do the same...U r the student....mom, the teacher. She is teaching u how "NOT" to behave in the present n future....She's actually a blessing to u n ur children...Next time u see her.....after the initial insult....give her a hug n say, "Thanks, mom....i really love u".....If nothing else, u'll get a good laugh from the confused look on her face....happens to me all the time....i love it....U'll figure out the best way to handle mom..jst make sure it results in a way that improves u, as a daughter, a mother n a woman....N most important.....laugh......jst like u did with ur daughter...that was beautiful..Misery loves company.....so dont RSVP to the invitation, wen mom presents it....The choice has always been urs....much respect n hugs
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My father had the best defense against my mother's negativity. He lost his hearing and refused to get a hearing aid. He told her that he hears all he wanted to hear. I understand him more daily. :)
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@beckncall53 - thanks - the name is the result of every other screenname choice of mine being taken on yahoo, so i went with my 2 favorite things...haha!

It sounds like we are all in the same boat. I joked with my oldest daughter one day (after we spent a good amount of time venting about my mother...haha) and said "all I know is that if I ever get that bad..." and she stopped me dead in my tracks and said "OH YOU'RE GOING INTO A HOME!" and we both burst out laughing. It's just so frustrating though - I'm trying to build up my kids/grandkids, and she's tearing them down and to be honest, I don't think she even realizes it. I am torn between ignoring it or calling her on it so (maybe) she realizes what she's doing. I don't know...
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Oh, purplesushi, we are dealing with very similar women. I suspect their own low self esteem is why they make the comments they do. I generally ignore it when she does this. I always found not takng the bait the most effective approach. However, I am with you - they are in dangerous territory when it comes to the kids. I will also not allow it. I already told my husband that is my line in the sand. She has taken some swipes at them to me, but not directly at them. Better not happen, that's all I got to say!
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Purplesushi...love that name...btw......I think r mothers may be "sista's from anotha motha"...lol

My mother is, n always has been, the most negative force in my life...She does all the same things that u describe ur mom to b doing to u n, worse yet....to total strangers...I agree,,,,IT'S EMBARRASSING!!! I cannot tell u the years that i have wasted trying to get, jst one compliment, out of my mom....no can do!....She is extremely cruel to people who r dealing with weight issues...which, btw, would jst so happen that one of those people, is her own grand-daughter, but that still didnt stop her from saying hurtful things, n my daughter remembers EVERY criticism she every heard, while growing up..I have, always, been in a struggle with mom, over her negativity...

Over the last 10yrs...im 54...i've managed to come to a place where i jst have to accept that my mother enjoys her own misery, n she would love nothing more, than for me to join her in it...NO WAY....i have 3 kids of my own, n i made a vow to myself that i refuse to be that kind of example to my children...Life is hard enough, without mom's input....so, I've learned to jst turn the tables on her...It drives her crazy!! lol....Everytime i see her, n i mean...everytime...she starts our visit off by insulting my appearance within the first 30 sec...I decided to make a game out of her negativity n judgements...I use humor at every turn....n, it works...I refuse to let my mother bring me to "that place", n i make sure n let her kno that...I dont get into any arguments with her....i jst use humor n look for ways to diffuse her nastiness.
I came to realize, years ago....i don't need mom's approval anymore about anything i choose to do with my life or my childrens lives...I dont "give her permission" to spew her opinions, becuz i let her know, right away, that i'm not interested in hearing it...I, recently told her, that, as my mother, she should be supporting n encouraging me, being that i am raising a family of my own. I told her that she had no right nor invitation, to try to make me feel "hopeless.".Wen she starts in with her "dialogue", i jst find something else to talk about, laugh at her ridiculousness, or diffuse it...but i will not allow her to poison my heart, anymore...
Here's the bottom line of our mothers "opinions"....They're like ass-holes.....everybody has one!!!!!! Learn to understand that u r not ur mothers daughters in everything u do n say...U r ur own person, n be proud of that...Moms can play some real head trips on their "daughters"....but, im jst too tired to do it, anymore...I love my mother so much, but we r 2 very different people..I look at it this way,....jst becuz we r the daughters....doesnt mean we cant teach r mother's something...by example...Dont let her get to u...life is short, n we cannot "change" r mothers, but we may b able to help them soften a bit...It's a fight we cannot win...n if mom steps into the ring, without an opponent....Who Wins????..Hang in there....i know wat ur going thru...but u dont have to take any of it....so dont.. Much respect to u
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