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I first of all want to sincerely thank those of you who have taken the time to respond to my questions. I appreciate each of you. This site is so helpful and I appreciate being a member. My mother, age 86, has been living with my roommate and I for almost a year. She had open heart surgery and was ventilator dependent from her surgery during 2009 until her discharge from a chronic care facility last October. She had lived in Pennsylvania on her own prior to the surgery and I had my life in the DC area. The discharge planning was very traumatic for me. I even suffered two anxiety attacks which scared me to death. I am 61 and I think so far pretty healthy. Anyway, I was all alone with no family help trying to figure out the next step for my mother. A nursing home was out of the question. My mother continues to get stronger, has a sound mind, and if she were in a nursing home this would not work for either of us. No one cares for your loved one like you. Nursing homes are understaffed and enough on that subject. So I considered having her mobile home relocated near me in Maryland. That did not work. This home is too old to relocate and there are no mobile home parks near our residence. I checked into Assisted Living and found these are far too expensive. I thought about renting an apartment near our home where I could visit my mother everyday and monitor her in-home care by those when I am not there. I still work full-time. Anyway, long story short, after all of those considerations, my roommate (partner) said the only choice is to have my mother live with us. I was so relieved as the only other option would be for me to retire and move with my mother back to her mobile home in Pennsylvania and that was not going to happen. My roommate gave up her home office space and we arranged a wonderfully large room for my mother on the lower level of our home. My roommate was such a help to me. She would check on my mother during the nights to allow me to have uninterrupted sleep. She has done all of our laundry. She has ordered a closet for my mom and put it together. She has steam cleaned the carpet in my mother's room. Here is my major problem. My mother is not like me. Instead of being grateful that she has been called a "miracle" patient and make the best of living in our home, she is mean spirited and has never liked anyone except her precious "family" in Pennsylvania and me. Recently, I was at work and my roommate reported that my mother threw a "temper tantrum" because my roommate and my mother's CNA were outside of my mother's room talking. My roommate was giving the CNA instructions about what do to if a repairman came to our home. My mother threw her walker and got mad. (My mother denies this behavior.) I have personal knowledge that my mother does not like it when my roommate comes into her room during the days and talks with the CNAs. My roomate if very vivacious and has a funny personality. She has two little yorkies and you would think that this would be a pleasant environment for my mothers. Oh no. She is a loner and always yells "shut the door" whenever my roommate enters her room. So I came home from work after a long day last week to hear my roommate explain that the CNA that day had tears in her eyes over my mother's behavior so my roommate tried to explain to my mother such behavior is unacceptable. My mother in turn denies throwing her walker and so what does this do? It puts me in the middle. I told my mother last Saturday that I feel like running away from everyone and that it is disrespectful to me for her to live in our home and cause this dissention. I told her she has never gotten along wth anyone but now she is in our home and if my home can't be my soft place to fall, what am I to do? My mother would not admit to her behavior and all she could say is that my roommate "laid into her." So now I am upset by all of this. My roommate has chosen to stay away from my mother and I have told my mother clearly not to expect my roommate to come into her room because she is taking care of her emotions and I support this. After 3 1/2 years of living and breathing hospitals in support of my mother and all that I have been through emotionally, I don't feel that by any means I deserve my mother not to understand what this is doing to me. If I try to talk to her, she says she is"nervous" and won't communicate. The one thing that was going right in this situation was the help I was getting from my roommate. I don't blame her for not going into my mother's room. It is apparent to both my roommate and I that my mother does not like my roommate. I told my mother if she thinks I am going to retire and live out my days one on one with her she is mistaken. Sorry for the long message. I am angry at my mother and today I took off work this morning to take her to yet another doctor's appointment. I feel disrespected.

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Musiclover1, It's OK to vent your frustrations here!!! That is part of getting help and this is a wonderful forum to do just that. We all need answers to questions that we struggle with on a daily basis, we are here for you! There are avenues you can research, and well informed people on this site that can help you do that. Glad to have you in the fold....! I was at the end of my rope when I came across this site , It has been a Godsend for me and my family. I know his hand guide me here for help with my questions and fears. So feel free to vent any time you need a sympathetic ear...! God bless and Hugs to you and yours
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Once caregiving takes away the haven aspect of your home it is time to look at other options. Sometimes that only takes a few months and other times it can be years. My doctor told me ...you are the boss of your home. You wouldn'r allow a visitor to be rude or disrepectful to you or your family. Why should Mother be any different? She is causing the same stress and unhappiness as the visitor you asked to leave.

Took a while for this to sink in. Once I realized how Mother's behavior was isolating me from my own family and friends; deciding on other living arrangements for her because almost easy.

Sometimes the best care we can give our parents is not under our own roof. Best of wishes. Sounds like you and your partner were more than willing to do whatever it would take. It is unfortunate the person who needs you most right now did not recognize the wonderful care she was receiving from her loving daughter.
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I am so sorry for what you are going through. I was wondering if you have a family or if one is available to speak with your mother. Maybe someone from the church can come to visit weekly to give your mother some insight ion gratitude. Also has the doctor prescribed any anti anxiety meds for your mother? I know it is sometimes a no win situation. I have seen changes for the better with some of my patients when on med. I know you must be feeling so many negative feelings toward your Mom but know there are so many of us praying and looking up to you for all you do for her. Blessings to you and your partner,
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I so feel your pain! I am in a very similar situation with my mother. She has always been a very difficult person to begin with. I own a two family home. My mother lives in one unit, and we in the other. She is just plain mean and rude to my husband. We no longer speak to eachother.

I do know exactly how you feel. It's extremely difficult to deal with, as your mother is older and you can't very well just put her out into the street. You and your room mate seem to have done everything to help your mother and make her life comfortable. Like my mother, your mother doesn't realize how fortunate she is to have a nice place to live with people who will take care good care of her.

There is no easy answer. My only advice is stop catering to her evey need. Try to live your life as stress free as possible. Get out and do things with your roommate and friends. She doesn't need to know where you are or when you will be home. Try to keep your life seperate from hers. I know this is almost impossible, but you need to let her know she can't run your life and being difficult and miserable is her choice and you will not cater to her if she behaves this way. If the day comes when she is able to move out, let her go! You deserve some peace in your life.
One important lesson I learned from my mother is how NOT to treat my own children. I have a wonderful relationship with my son, and for this I am grateful.
Best of luck to you!
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I agree with the above posts. If there is a way you can get her into an assisted living place which sounds like what she may need, that would give you back your home. Is your mom on Medicare and/or Medicaid? My mom is on both and has been for several years. She gets a SS check each month but all of that except 62.00 goes to the NH. I use the rest to buy her shoes, clothes, take her to outings, etc. I too had mom living with me SEVERAL times during the last 6 years and each time, it was pure hell. She is so hateful and disrespectful. I have lived alone for 20+ years with my animals. She was even mean to my toy yorkie and THAT was when I put my foot down. She never thanked me for feeding, cleaning her poop up, doing all her laundry, dressing her, bathing her, coloring and cutting her hair..I did EVERY single thing for her. She would also hit me as she did when I was a child. It took me 6 years to figure out that she cannot and will not EVER live with me again. No help from siblings...ever. You have a right to a "safe haven" at home. It is your home. Don't let her do this to you and your mate. She will not change at this age so there's no hoping for that.
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I agree with Jessie. In a perfect "elderly world" everyone would get along splendidly. But this is never the case and unfortunately, it only continues to get worse. Your mother is most likely developing increased dementia and this will cause agitation. Might be time to explore other options. We would all love to not have to entertain the idea of our parents in a NH. But, all NH are not created equal. Some, better than others.

My mother lived in a NH and became quite content. There is a close knit community that develops and you can be as involved in it as you choose. You are and always will be your mother's advocate.

In many ways (if you choose the right nursing home) it can actually give your parent some independence. At the facility my mother was in, there were activities planned every week; entertainment and the option to dine in your room or a lovely dining room with linen tablecloths and she made many friends this way. I think NH don't always get the credit they deserve. The staff at the facility where my mother resided was wonderful. The aging process can be difficult and there is always a period of adjustment in any new environment. I've done it all, care at their home, in my home, NH.

Life definitely changes with aging; and some accept it better than others. We can't always make them happy; that is up to them. And when life in our homes becomes difficult; something has to give.
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musiclover, it sounds like your roommate has really gone out of her way to make your mother feel at home. I feel so bad for your roommate, because it is her home and your mother has made it a difficult place for her. If your roommate is your partner, I do think she should come first in your thoughts. It is hard to know what to do without knowing your mother's financial situation. And I feel that no matter what you choose, someone is not going to be happy.

If life continues to be difficult, I would definitely look into your mother's finances and apply for Medicaid if needed. Your mother may be happier in a NH where you could visit her and there wouldn't be the conflict with your roommate. What I wish most is that your mother's behavior would change so that you could all live together, but if that doesn't happen, I would consider the feelings of my roommate who had been so nice about everything.
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