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My Mom had back surgery 5 wks ago. Over the weekend I brought Mom home with me. I only live about 3 miles from her but I had to stop staying with her because of problems I'm having(cancer).
When I took her back home on Sunday and straighten up the house for her, she out of the blue told me she was going to Cry. I asked her why and she said she didn't know. Mom loves to manipulate me...always has, and I took it as her doing it again and just told her "by". I did feel bad about not staying..but with her it could have been for days and I just can't rest at her house plus she hollers for me constantly. My other sister said she does her too and we both are beside ourselves with Mom and her childish ways....what else can I do?
My sister who is POA won't hear about putting Mom in assistant living but she's planning trips and also going to warmer climate soon. When I talk to my sister who is POA about what Mom does, she just says "She hasn't done that with me" which makes me want to scream. I don't even tell her things anymore because she isn't here enough to see what is happening and when she is she doesn't want to hear any of it. Any ideas?

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Ladydi, you are clueless. Your response did not speak to the issue in any way, except to judge the person asking for help, whose shoes you are not in. It's not a matter of love or not love and I'm tired of hearing "they did this for you, blah blah." That doesn't negate the very real feelings of the Lynn60, who is faced with this everyday. It's easy to sit back and judge. Not so easy to find a good solution. Plus, please work on your grammar and spelling. That's my "opionion."
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Lynn60-remember to take of yourself. (((Hugs to you in hopes you become a cancer survivor))).
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emjo has great points, is sis has POA, tell sis to step it up, you need a break! it doesnt sound like shes anywhere near ready for a resting home, but if you really hate careing for her, please find someone else to help take her care off your shoulders. you must care for yourself first! but your mom shouldnt be left totally alone.
amazon has really good security cameras that you can view and control from your cell or laptop for about $50, the motion lights are a MUST!! i have several here.
you need to get one of your siblings to step up, whether they want to or not, you need to care for yourself a bit here!
good luck
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Dear ladydi0853,
I feel absolutley horrible of what you had to go through with your Mom and Dad. I too had to hear my Dad's screams in the ER too and it completely broke my heart and I cannot seem to get the screaming of Daddy out of my mind. The nurse there was so cruel I yelled at her and wanted to jump over the bed and strangle her. I do not have any respect for NH homes either and agree that a lot of them treat their patients worse than animal shelters. Grandma broke her wrist in one of them and I do beleive that from neglect they eventually killed her. Why did she break her wrist? I don't know, I was very young when it happened, but now that I have lots of experience in caring for my parents, hospitals, and hospice, we all know that she must have fallen down. The only reason an elderly falls down on the ground hard enough to break something is why? Neglect to me--uncaring, yet so called "professionals". Professionals, my butt. They never called you when Dad was screaming? Gosh,I give you a lot of credit for not going there when u found out and beat the living daylights out of all of them. Shame, shame on them.
What u went thru is the most horrible situation I 've ever heard of. So you do have tons of experience and able to give great advice to other men and women. I too agree that I wished that I could of taken Dad's pain and now, Mom's pain. Mom is now in hospice-against my will, but she has the most loving staff who take marvelous care of her. She loves them all and they her. She has dementia and its getting worse, but her body isn't in any pain any more--they changed the dosage and type of morphine she was getting at home when I was taking care of her. So now that Daddy passed, I have peace of what I was able to do for him and now what I am doing for Mom at hospice. What you are doing for other seniors is a gift from the Lord.He has enabled you to want to do it because of what you went through. May the Lord greatly bless you and may the Lord grant you His Peace and everlasting life in His presence. Again, I think very differently of Mom and Dad now that Dad is in heaven and Mom will join him shortly.
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Lefaucon, thank you for your support, wow, I guess everyone else thinks I haven't been through anything with my loved ones, but, they don't have a clue how much I know exactly what they are experiencing! I have to say, maybe I should be more clear, by saying exactly what happened to my father while he was put into a nursing home for rehab from surgery at the hospital. My Dad hurt so bad with tubes hanging out of his stomach, and had to be fed through that tube, or he didn't have anything to eat. He had to be in the room with another gentleman, so, his daughters couldn't stay with him. He was so scared, because at night, they wouldn't come get him to go to the restroom, and if they did, they would make him stay on the commode for hours., now mind you, he was in the nursing home temporarily to get his legs stronger so we could take him home. It just happened during the night, that one of the aides,(Nurses), tried to pull him up out of the bed and took no pain with the tube that was fresh surgery hole in his stomach, and pulled the tube almost all the way out of his stomach that only a week and a couple of days before, a surgeon operated for hours on my Dad, ending up having to put that tube in before he finished surgery. So, what my dad was under anesthesia when that tube was put in, the nurses, and the help, or less of, proceeded to put my father in so much pain, that we were told by others that they heard my Dad screaming all over the nursing home during the night. Nobody bothered to call any of his family, who left him in their care, expecting them to give him rehab the next morning for his legs, so he could go home with his family, and we could feed him through his tube, and he would be ok! When my sister and I got to the nursing home very early the next morning, my father was so sick, crying with pain, his tube hanging almost out of his stomach, I get mad all over again when I think just how they did treat him. He had to be taken back to the hospital in an ambulance, and go back to surgery to have the tube put back in his stomach by a surgeon. He kept getting infections over and over, and things started happening with kidneys, everything you could imagine, I watched my Dad go through, but, I can assure you, we never left either of our parents in the care of nurses, nursing homes, nor any other home, except their own, and we gave up a lot of our own lives to take care of both of them, it didn't matter how tired we were from sitting day and night at hospitals, or laying on the floor by their beds to give pain shots when the pain was so bad my Mom couldn't stand it anymore. So, I'm not a narsicist, nor, any of the other cruel things that some of you ladies think. I have been where you are with both parents, and watched both die of terrible deaths, and I was helpless, except to stand by them and let them know that I loved them, and sometimes wished that I could take their pain myself. I have apologized to Lynn for judging her, but, Lillian41, would you please read all of my posts before you judge also! I am at TRUE PEACE in my heart today, because I know that I did everything that was possible for both of my parents, and that meant leaving my husband and little boy many times with my wonderful in-laws, who took very good care of them while I was with my parents who couldn't lift a hand to help themselves! Don't criticize just because you read one post, I'm not perfect, I made a mistake, but, I hope Lynn is ok with my apology, and THAT's all that matters right now! However, I have, and will again, Lord willing, do for other seniors whenever I possibly can. No apologies for that to anyone.
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Ladydi0853...I am sorry you have ha d a bad experience with nursing homes and also for the loss of your parents. I myself feel like this site is here for us to vent without being judged for how we feel and also to give advice when asked for that advice. My mother passed away a month ago, she had been living in a nursing home for 7 years, she loved it. I had to put my dad in the same nursing home back in February he has enjoyed it also. My parents were not and are not miss treated in any way, the key I believe is being visible. Lynn60 did not say she didn't want to help her mother just coudnt handle the manipulation and staying in her home, big difference from not wanting to take care of her. I applaud any one who can care for their aged parent at home but all of us are not able. I could not lift my mother, I took care of her for 3 months and have had back trouble since. There are different circumstances, I also applaud the ones who realize they can't take care of their parents but find a safe place for them to be, that takes just as much courage. You will have to do what is best for you. If your mom is showing signs of dementia then the manipulation could be a part of it. With all youbhave told us I feel you need round the clock help, help from an outside source. My dad had started forgetting to take his medicine or would take too much or think he had taken it and put the pill back in the bottle. I would fix his meals for him and take them to him and he would heat it in the microwave and forget to eat it. I can so relate to what you are going through. Since I put my dad in the nursing home he looks and seems better, he till has dementia of course but he is getting his medicine on time, he has gained some weight, when he went in he was 95 pounds now he is 115pounds. He is actually spoiled, I keep him twinkles out there and any time he does something good he gets a treat. Example..staying in his chair and not falling all day...he gets a Twinkie, they remind him stay in your chair so you don't fall and you get a treat...he does it. Good luck to you, just remember, we can't be helpful caregivers if we don't take care of ourself.
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Wow Ladydi, aren't you special. I am surprised the Pope has not make you a new saint. That said, you need to step back and read what you have written, to a sick woman with cancer no less. Talk about a narcissist. I hope you feel really good about yourself. I am sure Lynn60 wanted a lecture and that is why she posted here.

Lynn60, ignore the saintly one and post all you want. I hope you get better and having a narcissistic mother of my own, I am really tired of those who had wonderful parents lecturing to the rest of us. I have to ask, why are they on this site at all?
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I was answering someone else. Sorry about that. Someone said she was doing the best she could, I said "Sure you are."
Yes, we are all in this together. No apology needed. All is well and we will soldier on together. Right? That's what this forum is for. Love and hugs to you all.
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Sure you are. My brother does nothing. I feel your pain.
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Dear Lynn60,
I agree with ladiedi083 and emjo, also Deblove together. This is a very tough situation that you are in, but now since my Daddy passed and Mom is in hospice, I feel very differetly towards them like I used to in the past. My Mom cooked and cleaned the house carrying me when I was a small baby because I had colic and she didn't want to give me the meds the doctor prescribed cause she said all it did was make me sleep. Can you imagine vacuuming the house and cooking carrying a 6 month old baby that was screaming and crying all of the time because I was in so much pain from the colic? It would drive any mother up the walls and I would want to get rid of myself too. But Mom did not.
I know your feelings and emotions are so very hard with your Mom, but believe me, you will feel very differently about her once she has passed knowing that you did for her all that you were able--to sacrifice yourself for your parents is one of the most loving, gracious and compassionate way to show the love of Jesus. And He see's what you are doing, He knows how your heart feels more than you feel, He see's all. But also, Deblove also had great advice too. Since you are sick you must take care of yourself too or else you'd be no good for Mom. But I do not think that ladydi083 was being judgmental, only very wise in her advice on how our parents truly feel at that age [childish] and that they cannot help being the way they are--we are going to be the same way one day--I keep thinking that a lot of people forget that fact, or ignore it. Who wants to feel loss of control and sick all of the time? When we get sick its the flu or something else that lasts a couple of weeks, how would you feel if you felt that way and knew that it would be for the rest of your life. I would be miserable and could not help being childish or taking it out on others. Love, compassion, mercy, and grace is what your Mom needs no matter how sick you are. BUT, you must take care of yourself first to be able to administer these Godly gifts. Pray to the Lord for strength, guidance, His enabling and spiritual discernment in humilty and honesty and He will answer your prayers, I too will be praying for you....
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Lynn, I really feel bad now, because I judged you without knowing you had seriously been good to your mom and have tried to do what you can, especially by yourself! With knowing about the surgeries, and the seriousness of your own health, I definitley understand that you have to make a decision that someone else will have to be responsible for your mother, because you are not able to do anymore for her, because the way your last response sounds, your mom is actually not taking your health in consideration for sure, assuming that she is in her right mind most of the time, or she wouldn't be able to go to the doctors, etc.. Take care of yourself, and I have reminded myself, "not to judge others", especially when I didn't know all the facts, nor should I know the facts. I am not supposed to judge others. I feel so bad, I do apologize again! Please accept my Hugs too!!!!!!Di
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(Deblov) I appreciate your advice, and at least showing me where to look in reference to what to say and what not to say here! I am not judging or putting anyone down, and as I said, "we all have our own feelings about this matter, and that doesn't say that I don't have compassion for Lynn, because I can imagine what she is going through with this decision, and her health! I hope all of you ladies will remember that our hearts tell us how to feel, and this is just how my heart gets to me! I can't apologize for that, but, I can apologize for all of my friends here, that I am happy to be a part of, and will definitely know what I can and can not say from this point forward. So, I ask all of you to forgive me and know that I am a good person too, and understand all sicknesses, because my entire family has had and still do have many illnesses, and neither of us truly what lies ahead, until we live it, or are trying to figure out the best way to handle each individual situation with our loved ones. Sorry Lynn. Di
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Thanks everyone!
I have went to a support group when Dad was with us for Alzheimer's and Mom would go with me once in a while but not often. The people in the group--without me saying anything--said Mom was selfish and wanted attention plus they weren't too sure she didn't have Alzheimer's or dementia. Dad had told me I would have a lot of problems with Mom and he was so right.
Bad deal here is Mom will not let me go to the doctor with her and I'm the only one that is around her most of the time. She will take, when she is in town, my sister who is POA---reason, because this sister doesn't want to know anything nor will tell the doctor what I say-which I ask her to please write down what Mom is doing and she conveniently forgets.
Yes, I do believe my sister has a problem as well. I'm going to the site you gave me and see what else I can help Mom with.
I've tried making her secured by putting in an outside security lights(Mom said people was ring her door bell at 2 in the morning---did not do that when I stayed there--is Mom hearing things?) a security system when someone does ring the door bell- phone rings the lights will blink and it shakes the bed, a system that Mom wears a pendant around her neck if she falls---she won't push and she has fallen, a security system that the county sheriff comes out/with a helper and checks on Mom once a week but she will not answer the door, meals on wheels-which she cancelled because she said she does not need anyone to fix her meals but will call me and tell me she's too nervous to fix herself something to eat, automatic pill dispenser that has a timer that will open her medicine up so she can take it on time (she's overdoes before and they said no more can she take her meds on her on), Agency for the Aging, a lady that comes 2 times a wk to help Mom do whatever she wants to do, and the list goes on and on. I've did all this by myself---No help whatsoever and I've 6 siblings!
I have another surgery--this will be my 5th in a little over 1 yrs-- in about 7 wks or less and I just want to know that Mom will be ok while I'm down before my sister takes off for warmer weather and what the plan is for Mom.
Sorry to go into so much detail...but I'm doing everything I can for Mom. Hugs!
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I am definitely not against doing the right thing for each individual person, and when your parent/family members of any nature, get to the point that they are harmful to themselves, or, can't be alone at all for fear of their safety, then, of course I would be the first to get them in a "safe" Assisted Living, or, possibly visit all the places for Senior Citizens, so, that I would know I wasn't putting them in even more "Harms Way"! However, I see perfectly "Able" elderly people in nursing homes all the time, just because their family members were just too busy with their own life to care about them. "That is what I have a problem with, because I am a strong believer in taking care of our parents, up until we absolutely CAN'T PHYSICALLY help them anymore. I certainly don't want to upset any of you, but, we all have our own problems, and I can assure you that I have mine, and am facing surgery on the 26th, but, I have elderly neighbors right next door right now, that just need to know that someone cares and I will do for them, until I am litterally not able to do anymore. I try not to think about "Self" too much, because I would never do anything except feel sorry for myself, and it actually gives me "the most satisfying feeling to see their faces when I just open their door and let them know somebody cares, and they still matter to someone". Each of us have our own beliefs, and feelings to answer for, so, I apologize if I even hinted that you are me, I just am giving my opinion about my true feelings, and that's what these blogs are all about, right? I am sorry, for the problems with your health, and do pray that you will have peace and comfort with the pain, because I need prayer everyday of my life, and I will sure keep you and you mom in my prayers, and whatever the outcome is, I honestly do hope your mom and you will be good with it, and taken good care of whatever and wherever, and I am so sorry that you don't have the help of your sibling. That really does make it so much harder on you and your health, so, in that respect, I can understand a lot more of your thinking pattern. It's hard when our siblings don't take on their part of responsibilities, because she is actually treating you worse than her mother in this case. I hope things will work out for everyone, and I do hope your cancer will get better, and is one of the lesser dangerous cancers. God knows all of our problems, and I know he knows your situation when nobody else has a clue. So, with that said, I am going to ask Him to just touch both you and your Mom, and especially your sister(who should be ashamed to do this to both of you) and ask him to give you the right answers and help you make important decisions about your mom! Hope I didn't upset you, and if I did, please forgive me, and that I wasn't coming down on just you, this is just how I feel about parents, and I realize everybody has a right to their own feelings and what they do with their parents. I'm a softy at heart for everyone, not just the elderly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please feel better! Di (:
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Ladydi, do you ever find the need for support for caregiving challenges? There is lots of love, support and encouragement here. I hope you will be able to both give and receive here. You may find it helpful to review the caregiver forum etiquette info-it can be found by going to the top upper right corner of page, click on public profile, then "tools". Scroll down to etiquette so you can see what is expected of those who provide responses here. I think Lynn was asking for help. BTW, if you receive hugs from others, they are in the public profile area too.
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First of all, I agree with Deblove in that we all have our faults (and our limits) and God knows that. I might add that we have a loving and understanding God. This is a site ment for compassion and sharing and insight. Am I wrong to assume that people come here for support? Just because we love our parents deeply does not mean that we are not allowed to seek other options. It does not mean that we want to shrug off that responsibility of caring for them, but if you are yourself battling cancer, you must get well first. Hugs.
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(((((((((((Lynn)))))))))) you say your mum always has loved to manipulate you, That suggests to me that she is narcissistic. She may well have dementia, I agree a good evaluation is in order. It wouod be good if you could document her behaviours, includng the manipulations, to share with her doc. Sounds like your sis is manipulating you too - to look after mum, though she has POA, and while she goes on holidays. It is not unusual for a sib to have narcissistic tendencies as well as a parent. My sister does, and will not lift a finger to help our mother. You have cancer and you have to put yourself first. I learned this the hard way -I have a mother who has borderline personality disorder and is narcissistic. My emotional and physical health were suffering, so I had to distance and detach from my mother. Other look after her. You do not have to look after your mum, and certainly not at the expense of your own health.. Perhaps you could call the local agency on aging and discuss your situation with them, and/or social services. I think you did the right thing by saying "Bye" when your mum said she was going to cry. Narcissistic people manipulate by FOG - fear, obligation and guilt. Sounds to me like your mum and your sis are using those on you. There is a good website on narcissism - google "daughtersofnarcissisticmothers" and you will find it and much useful information, You need to inform yourself about this condition and how to deal with it. Have you had any counselling/therapy? That would be helpful too, in making changes in your situation to make it better for you.

Your sis has POA . One suggestion is to tell her that you are not available anymore to look after your mum, and that it is her responsibility to find appropriate care. You do not have to explain or justify yourself to her. You have a serious/life threatening illness, and it is totally reasonable (and in my view , necessary) for you to put your needs first. If you feel you want to, and can do some things for mum, write out what those are, and tell your sis and your mum that is what you can do, and NO MORE! It is called setting some boundaries - some limits - and stick to them no matter how your mum and your sis try to manipulate you.Only you can stop this, and change things to be better for you. Sis is getting a free ride, and mum is having fun playing her games. She does need care, but you do not have to provide all of it, or even any of it, unless you choose to. Maybe your mum needs to go into a nursing facility for proper care. If so, that's where she should be. Another thought - is there any way you could visit a friend for a period of time so you are not available, and leave your sis to deal with mum, to get things going in the right direction.
Please do bring in some professionals -sis won't want that but you don't have to tell her. You need more support than you are getting, Or you can tell her that if she continues to leave mum's care to you, which is too much for you, you will go to the Agency on Aging and /or Social Services. Stick up for yourself! You are not alone -there are many here who are saddled with manipulative mothers and other family members, and too much to do by siblings who will not help.Wishing you all the best -let us know how you are. (((((hugs)))))) Joan
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I do have compassion for my Mom & elderly and yes, I too took care of my grandpa when I was a teen, and just a few years ago took care of my Dad who had Alzheimer's. My big concern is how Mom acts and not being able to help her if it's a true mental break down or her way of wanting attention. I love Mom very much, but it's extremely hard when you are the main person and can't even go to the doctor with her so you can tell the doctor what is happening with Mom(sister refuses to really look at Mom and how she acts---sister is POA) . There is a place here that she can even go to in the day time that has day activities for the elderly--which my Dad went to and it kept him out of the nursing home several years longer---but Mom refuses to even think about it. Mom needs activity to keep her going. She's right now starting to drag her feet again even though I had her take therapy, she doesn't understand that this makes her fall.
Again, is this her mind?
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Ladydi: You have to understand that we are all human and have our faults. Yes, we know what Mom did for us and appreciate it. Give Lynn60 a break.........and the rest of us for doing the best we can. It's very stressful and being sick makes it that much worse. We look to each other for compassion out here. Not to be scolded for the way we feel. You have the right to say what you want, but please be a little less judgmental. Just my opinion!!
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I didn't even need to read the rest of your question, because you and I feel a lot different about the elderly, no matter how childish she acts. She was your mother when you couldn't do anything except scream and eat and wet your pants, and I am sure there were lots of times that she felt the same way that you do now, ONLY, mothers can't just run away when their children "just get all over them", they stick with us through thick and thin and everything else that we put them through when we are so helpless! How is she any different than that now, when I have always heard and actually wish I had my mom or dad alive so I could just hear them need me for anything. I have a passion for our seniors and I love them. Anyone who wants to see their parents in a nursing home, unless they are totally unable to respond in any way to their family members. They only want attention because they know their time is so short at an old age. I can understand your frustration, seriously, and that is because I have acute Fibromyalgia, and can't do what I would "LOVE" to do for all seniors. I took care of my mom through two(2) cancers, the last being "Bone", and watched her cry, hurt scream, gave shots, cleaned bottom, and anything, even sleeping on a hard floor beside her bed at night, and I was married with a child to take care of. I 30 years later, did the same thing for my father, and he died of a horrible death, "kidney failure", but, God said for us to take care of the elderly, and love them, and I thank Him today that myself nor my siblings, NEVER ran away from them, no matter what, or how bad it got. We loved our parents, because, as a parent myself, I would hope that my child would not treat me the way that you are thinking about doing by just putting her in a nursing home, UNLESS your mom is out of her mind with Alzheimers, or, you honestly, physically cannot go see her and sleep on her beds because you love her as much as she loved you way back when you were only a baby, and after all, our parents are only doing what they are supposed to do at that age, and go back to acting like a child, because they do need attention for fear of being kicked to the curb or just "put them in a nursing home", so they can be treated like they are not human. I go to nursing homes, and I have taken care of elderly neighbors, just like they were my parents, because I have a passion and I know if God allows me to live that long, and I am 62 years old now, I will be in their shape as well, but, pray that my children won't settle for me to be treated like an animal, just my opinion about nursing homes. A better name for them would be "Abusive Shelters" I have seen things go on in them, that I honestly wouldn't want my animal in! Yes, I may be squaking because my parents have both passed away, but, I have peace in my heart today because I loved and cared for them through the "the good and the bad times in their lives"! God gave us all parents, and He didn't give us anything that we weren't supposed to "do unto others as we would have them do unto us"!!!!!!!!!! I pray that you would think in that way the next time you look at your Mom, and treat her like she is still your mom "no matter how she gets to you". She really just wants attention because she has reached a very scared time in her life! I pray also that God will continue giving me the compassion for elderly/seniors, because "I am one myself, and I sure don't want to be treated like this by my children". Just my opionion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Mom is 84 years old and has Parkinson disease. Dementia does go with that but it's hard to tell if Mom is trying to manipulate me or is having mental problems. Mom is on medicine but not the type you mentioned. She needs to be re-evaluated. She went back to the back surgeon and while being asked questions about her back pain, asked for nerve pills.
I think my sister ,who is POA ,doesn't want to put Mom in assistant living because others will see how she behaves and then put her in a nursing facility. But this sister really doesn't want to deal with Mom and that is why she takes off all the time. It's hard for me to deal with her as well, but I'm here not my sister.
Thanks!
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You don't mention how old your mother is, but it sounds as if she may have dementia. If so, she will have bouts of various mood swings. Little can be done about it without medication. My father has dementia and at times, still has mood swings.
After speaking with his neurologist, we found that Depakote turned out to be a real miracle drug. There are various other drugs to help with mood as well.
My mother has this same problem, but she was diagnosed with mental illness in her earlier years. Unfortunately, it would take a real tranquilizer to take her down.
Depending on her other conditions, there may be a mood stabilizer that may help. It's definitely worth asking.
Good luck!
Hugs,
Suzanne
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