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Had a bit of argument yesterday with Dad about selfishness. Wife was working, so took my 5 year old to see him and agreed we'd go somewhere. Theres a country park about 20 mins away - it's got ducks and a play area so my little girl gets to do something as well.


Anyway, so she was good as gold in the car. Got there and Santa was there too! So they wanted to see. Dad moaned and moaned that I should tell her she could see Santa another time, because he just wanted a cup of tea then leave and be home before it got dark. (Cars have lights Dad!). So I told him to do one and left him to sit in the car and wait - he was not happy!


This is typical of him these days. Its all about him and no-one else. Yet another example of his treatment of my kids. Its as if he thinks I should "section off" part of my time every week and this time should be 100% dedicated to his every need.


My wife now won't speak to him, avoids him, and to be honest, hasn't got a nice word to say about him. Yes he's my Dad but I can't say shes not totally right. At the moment, he really is probably the most selfish person I've ever met.... Sad really.


I've talked to him nicely and explained that he needs to think of other people and that 5 year olds dont really understand why they can't do something..... In one ear and out the other.


In his head, my duty is free up my time for him to do what he wants me to do and when he wants it.

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The OP took his daughter because his wife was working. He thought it would be a nice treat for her to spend some time with grandpa and he assumed grandpa would like that too. Not many people have the luxury of giving up one day a week to devote to someone outside of the household.

My father is the same way, only is interested in himself and his wants and needs. Setting boundaries is the only way to go. Now you know taking your child to visit Grandpa is not something you will want to repeat. That is his loss.
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paulfoel123 Nov 27, 2018
Yes it makes me so sad. He really is completely disinterested in his grandchildren. In the past, I've turned up with her and hes said things like "Oh you've brought her with you". To him, it just gets in the way of my full attention.

Its so sad. Her gran comes to visit (wifes mother) and she makes a fuss and my daughter screams and hugs her. I say we're going to see grampy and she moans and says no I dont want to go. She listed the other day the people who she loved lots - my wife and I, her big brother, Nana, the cats even. Grampy got no mention. But its his fault totally.... Makes me upset to think about how he is.
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Why can't you give a day a week just him and you. It can be just you and him for lunch and do some errands. Yes, you would think he would enjoy seeing his grands and enjoying Santa. Was he a hands on father? If not, u can't expect him to be with his grands. I can understand you may be giving Mom a break so killing two birds with one stone, As a family man with a job Dad needs to understand your family comes first. If you have young children Dad can't be too old. Maybe Dad needs to find something to do.
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paulfoel123 Nov 27, 2018
Honestly, I dont have one day a week. Best I can do is what I do.

Without going into details and a long list of problems (that we all have), my wife works but has health problems (Fibromyalgia), Ive got a teenager with aspergers, a 5yr old daughter and I work full time. Dad lives 30 mins drive away. You can imagine my life is pretty full.

I'm no spring chicken, 50 year old (yes I know I'm old to have a 5 year old), Dad is 84.
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Honestly there are people here that can answer your question better than me.

Does your dad have dementia?
I don't know if him having dementia really matters except for the fact if he does than there is no use in trying to explain how you have other people who need you.

My mother has dementia she as she is concern everything should be about her. I am sure there might be some NPD in there somewhere.

I have read on this forum were a lot if not most caregiver are dealing with a selfish elderly family member.

And there is really not a lot you can do but set boundaries. If your little girl wants to see Santa and dad has to sit in the car and pout- so be it. Let him pout he'll eventually get over it. Don't let him stop you from being the husband and dad that you need to be. Set up your own guide lines and rules. This is what I had to do with my mother.

Good Luck.
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paulfoel123 Nov 27, 2018
So far his GP has told me no dementia. Currently trying to pursue this angle.
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