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Does anyone have any recommended reading or just inspiring thoughts about dealing with an N father in law? I've known for a while that DH's sister was an N but I am seeing clear evidence that his father is one too. We have been married for 4 years now (we married in our 40s) and up until last spring we got along well with his father. Now because DH's father isn't getting his way, I feel like a mask got ripped off and we are seeing incredibly bad and irrational behavior. Excuse my French but it feels like hell trying to stand up to him. He is 87...I do not want to argue with an 87 year old man. We've gotten to the point though where we can't ignore him and we can't cave any further. Just looking for some thoughts ,,inpsiration or words of comfort so I don't feel so awful. Luckily we aren't dealing with immobility or finance issues. Just really bad behavior for now.

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Oops in the last sentence I meant to say with our dignity intact and our self esteem in place.
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Thanks for the response Jeanne. I will give his dad credit, for being 87 years old he is mentally fit and doing ok physically as well. His behavior has been like this all along, I just think it is intensifying with age. I don't think dementia is an issue just yet, he still seems very sharp. We aren't caregivers at this point in time.

The issue is that my DH and I aren't at the stage of denial anymore to keep his world running in the "orderly fashion" that he believes it should be. Or, in simplified terms we have just learned how to say no to him and deal with the fallout from that.

Mostly I am looking for some ways to keep this all in perspective. Both DH's father and sister have used the tactic of throwing temper tantrums and manipulating to get their way. We are at a point where we just can't tolerate it anymore. I sure wish this point wasn't at the place where we are trying to set boundaries with an elderly person and being made to look like we are senselessly antagonizing him, but he has made good and sure that we look like that to the outside world. But it is what it is and this is where we are at.

The irony is that for quite a while DH was the "good son" and we bent over backwards to honor his parents requests (DH's mother is still alive, generally reasonable but somewhat self absorbed herself - she generally is much less of an issue, though it could be the age old system of "good cop, bad cop" going on) and all of that good will is now devalued because we are trying to set healthy boundaries.

The inspiration I am looking for is simply how do we get through being painted as the "bad seed" with dignity,, tact and our self esteem in place?
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Are you doing caregiving for him? Or just the usual family interactions? Can you detach more from your FIL? Interact with him less?

In you husband's experience, is this new behavior for his father? Or just behavior you haven't seen before? Sudden onset terrible behavior could be something other than run-of-the-mill narcissism.

There are plenty of people on here dealing with narcissistic behavior, and I'm sure you will get a reading list from them soon.
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