I’m really struggling with my situation. My dad (mid-80’s) was in good health until a series of strokes last fall. Physically his recovery is okay - he gets around well, but cognitively has not recovered well. There’s some other health issues. My problem is with his partner. My dad and I are close, but he’s more like a friend to me- my mom has always been my parental figure. I guess I never really thought about caring for my dad in his old age, the same way I knew I would for my mom. But here I am, and an only child. I manage all of his medical needs (no POA, that's a whole different story). My problem is with his partner - they’ve been together 20 years. I try to maintain a cordial relationship, which is a lot, because she’s very volatile and difficult. And she’s a leech - she very quickly burned through all my dad’s resources when they got together, and they now live in terrible conditions on limited income. She’s a borderline hoarder and the house is full of her junk. She’s treating me like a bank. I’ve had to bail them out several times because she doesn’t pay the bills and now she wants me to co-sign on a car with her after she totaled her second car in a year! She sleeps until 2 or 3 every day, and is up late into the night playing loud music which keeps my dad awake. She’s missed every doctor’s appointment I’ve set for him (the ones I’m unable to take him to because of work). The house is a disaster. She keeps saying she wants to fix it up, but hasn’t lifted a finger (I think she’s waiting for me to offer to pay for someone to clean). My dad can’t use his phone after the stroke, so I have to coordinate through her to see or talk to him. She was harassing me with text messages yesterday trying to guilt trip me in to cosigning on the loan (the car will only benefit her, my dad doesn’t need it). I’ve already loaned her money and haven’t seen a cent of it (and I recently had to pay a $2000 electric bill to get their power back on!!)
All this to say, I just want to focus on time with my dad, and if I contribute anything more financially, I want it to support his well-being. I’m constantly getting sucked into her crazy, chaotic world (it’s something new every week - her son had a sudden heart attack and she needs fees for a lawyer, car crashes, power cuts, water cuts, drama with their landlord, drama with her other son/daughter, the list goes on)… A frank conversation with her is difficult because she’s unreasonable (and quite childlike herself) - I don’t want her to start restricting my access to dad. Part of me feels like he needs to get out there, but this is the life he chose and I think this level of chaos is normal for them (I just wasn’t privy to it until I got more involved in their lives). He wants to be at home. And I don’t know where else he would go. We don’t have room, and he just has his social security (he’s just over the income limit for Medical)
Anyone out there dealing with an extremely difficult partner/step parent situation? It’s so hard. And so bad for my mental health. I’m at the end of my rope with the situation. I’ll add that my dad is a total sweetheart and a pleasure to be around. It feels like he’s just been sucked into this crazy world with this woman who doesn’t live in reality! Before the strokes, my relationship with him was 100% separate from her. We’d do things together, we’d talk on the phone, I’d pick him up and go on outings…now it’s all tied to her.
And I feel extra guilt because this situation has sucked so much time/energy, that I spend hardly any time with my mom, who is also getting older and lives alone.
Sorry for the long post - it feels like this just scratches the surfaces of how difficult she is to deal with.
You may have to walk away and let him live with the consequences of his choices. Right now you are paying the consequences for his choice and it is adversely effecting you, are you willing to suffer a medical emergency because of the stress she creates?
Loving someone doesn't mean setting yourself on fire to keep them warm. I am sorry you are going through this, I do understand, my dad made a choice just like this and it was awful to see what he allowed her to do to him. She would have sucked me in if I hadn't set and enforced strong boundaries where she was concerned.
Stop giving her money. Do NOT cosign on a loan,
Do you have POA?
Has your dad been declared incompetent? Or in any way unable to manage his personal and financial affairs? If so you need to be his POA and if an attorney does not think he is cognizant enough you may have to be his Guardian. And do this BEFORE she does.
Is your dad a Veteran? If so the VA may pay you or ((shudder)) his "partner" to care for him.
If he is a Veteran depending on his medical conditions he may qualify for more help.
STOP
When their power gets cut off, call APS.
Maybe you can find a board and care for Dad where they will except his SS. There are ways to work around having more than Medical will allow. They are called Qualifying Trusts or Miller Trusts.
You give her no money. You co-sign for nothing. Anything you do for Dad, you pay to directly. Also, call the utlities and tell them your Dad is on assistance. Sometimes they will help. I know a man that was renting a low income apt with help and owed the electric company 1500 and they did not shut him off.
ALL CAPS ON THE GROUND: STOP GIVING THEM MONEY!
Call APS for your dad, report the situation, and let them take it from there.
Best of luck to you.
Work on getting your dad's POA. Strategize to get partner out of his house. Sell the house to pay for dad's care. Once you're on a path to taking positive action, you'll feel much better.
You'll need to get past dad's being in charge of his own life. He's no longer capable of that, so don't reason with him, just move forward (and you don't have to inform him of everything you're doing, either.)
Main goal is to keep dad safe, not make him happy.
You do also have access to APS which in some cases is very helpful, and in others reportedly worthless.
In the case of mental illness (hoarding) there will be no authority over choices given to others. If there is diagnosed dementia you may be able to get guardianship to protect your Dad. So everything now is dependent on legalities. See an attorney would be my advice.
I suggest you call APS. Tell them that your father has medical needs that not only aren't being met, but are being actively undermined because the girlfriend refuses to take him to his medical appointments. Tell them that their houses is a hoarded disaster, sometimes without utilities because the girlfriend doesn't pay the bills. Tell them that she has continuously exploited him financially by squandering his money and resources and neglecting actual needs like the utilities. Tell them that you have tried your best to help him financially and medically but she thwarts and undermines it all so that your attempts at assistance have failed so you need the authorities to intervene for his SAFETY.