Dealing with hygiene?

Another option is you could have a caregiver for half a day at your home. Just watch them and allow them to train you.. how to clean, etc., assist with daily care. That’s how I learned. Your boys might need to help be made aware that they will need to know what to do.,etc., Great idea before..would try to allow dad to rehab at a good nursing home (with physical therapy) to gain strength- & there you will see some exercises and strategies to maintain his strength, assist and pivot, etc. Talk to his Dr., and have this arranged. This way, you will have extra time and have a chance to see/ know what you will need to do at home. I talked with physical therapists there to gain insight ..& asked questions on how best to handle things. Also, you can see him during the day and see how he performs daily living tasks for himself. This will give you a better picture for how he is/what improvements can be made. Best wishes and may the Lord bless you for wanting to honor your dad’s wishes. I kept both parents at home, as I wanted to honor their wishes as well. It was difficult but workable. If you choose this route, you will need help- other than just yourself.. possibly a caregiver in place. We cannot do these things on our own.

If he has the finances, don’t be so quick to discount an assisted living facility. So many picture them as horrible places but the reality isn’t true any longer. So much has been learned about dementia and a good facility will be up on socialization that helps dementia sufferers mentally and physically. There is more involved than wiping someone’s rear end to really help them live a productive life as long as possible.
My mother threw a fit but none of us could care for her( more her mental health) but now she is happy there, as much as she pretends she isn’t. She has friends her own age, activities she can handle and is in a safe environment with professional care. We couldn’t have provided any of that for her.

Amilie, you have not been back, so I am not sure if you are reading the replies.

My Dad is 90, his 6 grandchildren range from 7-33, with 5 being under 23. The eldest 2 are my sons. There is no way my sons could manage personal care for their grandfather.

Oh, Dad had a massive stroke 4 years ago, he had months of rehab and made a remarkable recovery. He spends his summers at the cottage and my younger son stays with him. Why? It is in a rural area, the neighbours are more than a shout away and Dad is getting weaker and less steady. Dad needs daily check ins to make sure he is up and about.

Dad manages his shopping and most meal prep, but it is a day trip from the cottage to town, so my son accompanies Dad to help when Dad tired and do the bulk of the driving.

Dad knows that I will not provide any help with toileting. That is one of the lines in the sand. I would never expect the kids to either.

For me, I would never ask or suggest my kids help with this.

You need to sit down with your sons and talk this through with them not us. Of course you can ask them, but what is their attitude to this and to giving care in general. Its great you want to honour your father's wishes, but how this is done needs to be a family decision, he is their grandfather but he is not their father so their views and willingness may be different to yours.

Would he be able to use a bidet? They have portable ones you can attach to your toilet with little effort. You said the nurse told you he would need moderate help. Is he in diapers/depends? Is he capable of wiping the bulk of it off and someone come in for the finishing touches? It is a humiliating situation for all. I am thankful it didn't get that far with my brother. He's in a nursing home now, but is still able to take care of his business himself. By some miracle he is agreeable to showering daily. I am still not sure how they redirected him to do this, but it also helps any residue left behind on the behind...lol One big thing to watch for are sores or rashes.
Good luck. This site has helped me with a lot of situations. I hope you get some peace of mind with all the advice. At least you can see other options available.

Rather than ‘ask’ your sons to clean up grandpa, it would make sense to talk to them about it and see how they feel. Some people are squeamish, some are not. If they can cope, it could be best to get him to his home for a couple of weeks, then sit down with everyone to look at the long term. If your team can’t cope, then it is not his decision. He will need care, and the economics say that it should be in facility where there is a realistic team to cope around the clock. In home care with three shifts of paid workers to look after one person (plus the weekends) is not financially possible for most ordinary families. Best wishes.

My husband has dementia and is incontinent of urine and stool. I think it is up to each person and family how this is handled. Putting someone in a nursing home or hiring someone is out of reach for some people financially. It is for us. My daughter cares for her dad, changing and cleaning him up when needed, My granddaughter, 17, does the same. And Of course I do most of it. No one asked my daughter or granddaughter to do this. They just do it. No they don't have to lose a job or anything and only come at their own time but they are a huge help to me. Nothing was asked or forced upon them. They asked us to leave our home of 45 years to come live near them so they could help. My 15 yr old grandson helps dress his grandfather, walk him and do other things , has changed a wet diaper but never a messy one. This is all volunteer on their own.
Yes my husband has had terrible anger fits at the 15 yr old but it doesn't deter him. He loves his grandpa and does not understand the disease process but accepts him as he is. I don't think it is too much to ask your sons but the decision should be theirs without pressure or guilt put on them. As I said each family and each person is different. Good luck.

Hi Amilie,

You didn't mention do you work outside of the home? Do your children? I can only add to the good advice you have already gotten. Taking care of a loved one at home is very hard, especially when it comes to toilet/showering. I can tell you, especially with the dementia, your father's needs are only going to get worse.

See how it goes for a week or two and then maybe readdress the situation. Maybe you could hire caregivers to help out for a shift or two so you could break up the time a little.

Every family has their own, personal, dynamic so most of us can only give you an idea of how we prefer things done. In my opinion it is never fair for a senior adult to expect family members to sacrifice their life in order to stay out of a nursing home. It isn't fair that anyone should care for another human being out of guilt or obligation. Care-giving should be a choice made in everyone's best interest. My adult kids help with their father. So far, he can manage his own toileting with an occasional pee spree all over the bathroom or bedroom which I usually get to clean up. If he had been hospitalized and needed bathroom help for a few weeks or so we'd manage it but if it were something that would likely never change that would be a whole other discussion. We manage decisions like this in a family meeting. Talk about the pros and cons, everyone states freely what they are and are not comfortable doing and then we form a plan of action. I will say that 24/7 care for someone recovering from stroke with only three of you providing the care means round the clock 8 hour shifts with no breaks or days off for anyone. I'm sorry, I know it's heartrending for you all but really think about what that means. In many cases someone his age will never fully recover from the stroke. In your situation, our family would probably choose a nursing home and spend a lot of time visiting.

Because you have raised good children, they will agree to basically give up their lives to help care for Grandpa. They will honor your wishes to not put him in a facility. But is it fair? Because you have written to us, I suspect you think it isn’t. If your children have jobs and families of their own, this will eventually become very difficult for them to handle. Their spouses may resent them being gone to stay with Grandpa. Their jobs may suffer as well. Everyone enters into this family caregiver at home thing with the best of intentions. But no one understands how difficult it is.

Cleaning up a person after they urinate and/or defecate is not pleasant. If you have daughters who would have to do this, it’s really off-putting. Because he has dementia, he may not be very cooperative. My mother was combative. If you don’t understand what dementia does to a person, it makes life miserable.

Do a rethink about this. I understand not wanting to “be stuck in a nursing home”, but your father was being unfair to you when he asked you for that promise.

Hospital did not suggest a trip to rehab to see if he can get his strength back?