Dealing with hygiene?

It's up to them, but it really isn't their responsibility to have to do that. That is a bit excessive. One option is to get as much outside help as you can if you feel you must keep him at home. Then you would at least be limiting some of the burden. But frankly, this is burden enough for children, too much to ask of grandchildren.

Either the sons could help or a male nurse aide coming in when deemed necessary.

My spouse had a stroke in late 2011 and returned home in mid 2012 with left-side hemiparesis. He is now enrolled in a PACE program, a national entity which is dually-funded by Medicare and Medicaid. It serves people aged 55 and over who are clinically eligible for a skilled nursing facility (nursing home) due to inability to perform the requisite number of ADLs (activities of daily living). That means I've got him home before and after the PACE program hours. He is not medically incontinent, (meaning an uncontrolled urination or defecation) but due to his physical impairment he can't just get up and get to the bathroom by himself. What we do is to put cotton- and water-resistant bedpads underneath him in bed, and use Depends (I'm a regular coupon-user at our region's most dominant pharmacy). But the critical thing is that when he feels the need to urinate, he tells me (we share the bed and I'm a light sleeper), and I get up and provide him the urinal, then get up and go dump it in the toilet. This doesn't do much for my ability to sleep but the benefit to him is worth it in my view... no UTIs and no skin irritation from wet briefs. When he has a BM, I spot-wash him afterward, give him plenty of powder and a fresh brief. It's important psychologically for those dependent on others to know that they will get the help and care they need. Admittedly, pain in the neck for the caregiver but if one is able to deliver the care, it means so much for the recipient.

No. It’s not fair. And, unless you have 6 adult kids who live close by and are willing to help your plan isn’t viable for more than 6 months. I’m sorry. Been There-Done That use an agency and Find a private home with only 3 or 4 residents and an RN CNA etc who will take good care of your father. Offer them what ever he alone can afford. Visit often. Don’t let any relative talk you out of it or try to make you feel guilty. Always Hopeful😊

There is no right or wrong answer that fits every situation. For me I would find it more humiliating for my kids to be tending my bathing and toileting matters than for hired help to do it, at home or in a facility. Changing my diapers and bathing me is not how I would want my kids to remember me.

Should I ever come to realize that I have begun slipping into dementia my intention is to stop taking all meds and cease all medical care so as allow mother nature to take me sooner than might happen were I to continue receiving healthcare. I would rather pass while I still had some dignity than to live on without it. For me not being able to bath and toilet myself would represent a total loss of dignity.

We installed a small bidet on our existing toilet for personal care. When hooked up to hot and cold water it delivers a stream on water on the area from the back and makes clean up easier. It is not that expensive ($100 to $200) and relatively easy to install. Also you could hook up a spray to the sink faucet and keep some clean towels handy.
Your children will be better people in the long run if they are able to provide care to someone they love. Not pleasant but good for the soul.

So you and the grown children have already discussed sharing of 24 hr duties caring for gr'pa. Any grown person would know you have to clean yourself after using the toilet. The big question is going to be how many of these people will actually agree to do it. More than likely you are going to lose at least 1 volunteer from your list of relatives.

To make sure everyone completely understands what will be involved - talk about it. Maybe hiring a home health person on day 1 and 2 of the first time each of them will do their duty. (Be specific with nurse that everyone needs to know how to clean him up. ) At the end of Day 1/2, I'm sure they will tell you if it's more than they can handle.

BikerBob: Thank you. And I agree that a man would want a man to tend to his bathroom issues, et al.

I have C dif will they help with home care?

You can install a bidet on the toilet for under $30. Amazon has many for sale and they are really very easy to self install. While they don't stop your father from needing help, it is very useful and hygienic for the carer and makes an unpleasant job a little easier.
We have them on every toilet in our house, it's SO much better than toilet paper.

My father has passed on. I wanted to say to the community that my children and I whole heartedly agree that we did the right thing. Dad wasn't what you would call a "easy" person to care for, his independent personality shone through til the end. But even though it got exhausting, upsetting, and truth be told unpleasant at times, we are happy we chose to care for Dad. My boys adapted quickly to the unpleasant aspects of caring and cleaning. We learned quickly what had to be done, how to do it, and took care of Dad's needs. My boys are returning to college in the fall so if dad hadn't passed we would have needed to make alternative arrangements for his care, but we were prepared to help as long as we could. I suggest hiring someone with experience, (in our case a nurses aide with many years experience) to come into the home and show you the best way of bathing, dressing, and cleaning up after brief changes. After Dad had another stroke his care became more skilled so we brought in a RN to show us proper moving techniques, feeding tips and basic monitoring. Would we do it again? Absolutely. There are no regrets here. I will forever know that we did all we could for a man that deserved our love and care. We did need help - and it took money and a great deal of looking to find the right people to fill that need.

I will agree that it can be a difficult process to clean someone. Training is important.
The talk with the case manager is important. If you can get him into rehab for a short time it can and will help everybody. They can teach you as well as him.

There is also a specific tool made to help people wipe. You may have to ask the therapist about this. It is not standard equipment. It can make a big difference.

You would then be left with only a wash up after, while wearing gloves. Anti-bacterial soap and a wash cloth was all I ever used on DW, Luz, and we had no problems with infections.

Many wipes contain a lotion to help prevent other irritating conditions back there. We used them as well.

The bidet would be a great addition to cleansing.

Good luck in what ever you decide.