I would love some perspective on something I have been dealing with lately. I am 29 years old and my fiance 33. I've been with my fiance for 4 years and we just got engaged last September. Everything was going great until Thanks giving when we went to visit his mom and grandma out of state. We arrived and the house was in complete disarray and they weren't living in the best conditions. His grandma is in her mid 80s and has Alzheimer's so it is understandable, but his mother - who just turned 60 - seemed to not care about the state that the house had gotten in. It was a very weird visit and after the holiday we went home. Lots of things have happened since and grandma now lives in a care facility since they deemed his mother not capable of taking care of her. The doctors also say that his mom has the early stages of dementia. My fiance is trying to handle everything from afar (since his sister refuses to help). He calls 10 times a day, makes his mom's and grandma's appointments, pays all their bills, and puts himself in an emotional and physical bad place. Everything has become primarily about taking care of his mother - who, honestly, wasn't there for him as a child.
It has taken a toll on us as well. I was excited to marry this man and now all talk of the wedding has ceased - everything is about his mom. And when we do talk about our life together, he brings up how he wants to move her in with us or move out there and live with her. This is something I am not ok with and I feel selfish for not wanting to dedicate my life to this woman. I'm only 29 and I already feel like I have to give up everything and my whole future.
As I said I try to be there for my fiance because I know he is going through so much but it's hard to keep a smile on my face when he never wants to talk about a wedding but keeps bringing up how she may need to live with us. He's a very emotionally triggered person anyway but now it has become worse. And any time I don't say the right thing - that I'm thrilled to have an ex addict woman with dementia live with me - he accuses me of not caring, of wanting his mom to just die, and of being selfish. All of his anger and resentment comes out on me and he treats her like a princess - even now regressing and referring to her as "mommy."
I am so entirely freaked out at what to do. I don't feel like a person anymore. I feel like from the moment we got engaged my life has been sold and now I am enslaved to care for a woman that has consistantly made bad choices and expected people to clean up after them - and here my fiance goes again cleaning up after her. I know that's a mean thing to think of someone who has been told she has dementia - but it feels that this has become more of a ploy and a manipulation that I'm not sure my fiance sees.
Please give me some perspective - I need some major help!