Any advice on dealing with the feeling that I've lost my life?

DonnaDear, I see from a post back in December of 2014 that you mentioned an upcoming meeting between your brother, your husband and yourself to get things out on the table. How did that meeting go?

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/obligation-providing-detailed-expense-documentation-175091.htm

Is there any way that you could use some of your mother's money to hire some caregivers to come in during the day and give you a break?

What does your husband feel and think about all of this?

Please find some ways to take care of yourself otherwise you may well sink into a hole that you may not emerge from on several different levels.

Well, after the holidays, I did write a document up for my mother that outlined how things were going to be handled with living with us, how her finances were being handled, and what her monthly allowance would be for spending as she pleases. That solved a lot of issues for me because I wanted her to clearly understand what my role was, and was hers was. I also purchased one of those Medical Alert buttons for her so if I had to go to the store, help was close at hand. So, I do feel better about that. My husband has been entirely supportive and does his share of helping on every level. Thank goodness that my husband is fairly domestic and does not mind making supper, folding clothes and even does all the vacuuming, including my mother's room. My fear for him, though, like myself, is that we see this weird behavior of my mother and her poutiness, untruthfulness, and everything else that bothers us, and we change because of it, in a negative way. My recent thought is to go ahead and consider moving my mother to a supportive living arrangement. I don't want to see my relationship with my husband to diminish, nor the relationships with my kids and grandkids. I hate to admit it, but I really think my mother would be better off with other people who are her age and can benefit from friendly conversation on a regular basis. It doesn't mean that she cannot visit here or we go to lunch or coffee, but it would allow her some dignity to do as she pleases without feeling like she is trapped as I think she feels while being here. I am sure she feels from frustration and I feel hers.

Hi Tillman I am a 54 yr old female in the exact same position. My mom moved in with me almost 4 yrs ago.I have all the stress and responsibility and to make matters worse I have two siblings..one does very little abd the other nothing!!! I am extremely depressed and anxious and angry I am also disabled to a degree and I feel this ia Not fair!! I also feel NOTHING is appreciated I have SO MUCH I HAVEN'T DONE FOR MYSELF I AM AFRAID I WILL NEVER GET CAUGHT UP..IF U EVER LIKE TO SPEAK LET ME KNOW. I KNOW HOW HHORRIBLE. All this can be...take care. Or try to

Hi Tillman..its me again good girl. If u want to move MOVE I have been thinking about u your position and mine.you know the saying when an airplane is going down the mom in this case the care giver MUST take care of yourself first bc if u dont u wont be THERE to help take care if anyone. Your mom will adapt how about renting or leasing for a year or 6 months and see how it goes? ?? As far as talking to friends yes YOU can but its been my experience that unless someone has walked in your shoes they wont really understand and it can be more frustrating than its worth.I really wish all of us could get on the phone once a week and have a support group!! Remember when your mother decided to have a child she wanted what was best for you!! If she understood how ur feeling she would tell u to do what is best for YOU!!! SHE WOULD NOT WANT U TO BE MISERABLE ABD WITHOUT A LIFE!!! I AM SURE SHE CAN ADAPT TO THE EAST I LIVE IN NJ I think you have to stop putting her needs and wants in front of.ur own

I know it us easier said than done...but u MUST DO something before its too late. I have put my needs and wants on the back burner fir almost 6 years ever since my Dad got dementia and other health problems. Now u have 2 tumors one might be cancerous and I gave 2 doctors insist I get an MRI. and i am sooo burnt out I just don't even care its been 3 yrs they look at me as if I am crazy!! I feel so depressed I dont even know where to start.6 years of neglecting my health has almost killed me!! Please dont do the same. Maybe we can all help each other threw support. Take good care of yourself! !

1Good Girl is right. When the Agency on Aging suggested that I put my mom in AL, I thought it was impossible! The adviser said to me, "She will adapt." I believed her. She had so much experience. My mom went into AL and she adapted.

This is an awful situation for you. I am grateful that my mom is 81 and lives on her own but she still drives me MAD :-) to the extent that I had similar feelings you have ('When am I going to have my own life') tho' I am lucky, lucky, lucky in comparison. The only advice I can give is what I took myself: draw boundaries and MAKE time for yourself. You can't help her if you're in a bad place (emotionally or physically) yourself. I believe she can feel this negative energy in some way; it's good for neither of you. Is there any chance that some spark of negativity is causing her depression/ distress? I understand that you can't move somewhere where the climate is bad for her health but have you really though it through? Buy some extra heaters. I sound flippant but I don't mean to be. I think it is IMPERATIVE that you do something soon. You know, if your mom really knew how you felt, she'd be devastated because she probably wants more than anything in the world for you to be happy. Be her friend and be honest about what you want. She might perk up at being able to be part of a new phase in your life.

I can relate to what you are feeling. Besides living with elderly parents I am trying to start a business. There are many times that I wonder if I'll ever get my own life back. My mother just turned 90 and my dad is 88. They depend on me and not my sibling. There are times when I could just scream? It took lots,of courage but now I try to make time for me. If I need to do something I do it. Guilt was a problem with me but no longer. Stay strong!

GUILT??? oh yah...we aaaallll feel sooooo guilty for NOT doing enough, esp when we are doing everything!!! Guilty feelings last a few years....after that....H*LL NO!! Do the best you can and DON'T lose yourself in the process!!!