Any advice on dealing with the feeling that I've lost my life?

I used to say, "I have no life," since I began living with and caring for my 93 year-old mom with dementia. I know how you feel. I am single, no kids, and gave up my self-employment to care for her. I, too, wanted to relocate, and struggled with that, but I decided that she would have to adapt to my life, too, as I have to hers. This year, I sold her home, and moved us to the South, and it was the smartest thing I could have done. I'm happier, living where I want to be, and have found in-home help a couple of days a week, that doesn't charge too much. I found a volunteer who comes one day, for two hours, so I can go out and live my life a bit. It's getting better everyday, and it will for you, too. My advice, and I'm taking it myself, is to decide what's good for you, and do it. There's guilt at first, but after a while, when you find yourself happier, that fades. Blessings to you on this journey.

You have not lost your life yet...
Do not let your business slip away unless you can afford to support yourself without it,
It may be time to call in a caregiver so that you can have time to do your work if it is necessary for you to have to live and keep the roof over your head.

I was burnt out after many years of caregiving ,but in a different situation, for several family members who lived in the state but not in my home.
I over did everything for them, reduced my work hours ( I have a small business_) was there for every need, dr appt. purchasing equipment, emotional support, food preparation, coordinating of care on and on...
the end result was that I ended up with health issues, major ones...

If you can, keep your strength and health. Get someone in there now to help you. Get a housekeeper to clean your home, and get out with your friends
at least once a week.

When my caregiving was no longer needed, I was the one who was ill and now am having difficulty "getting my life back".
Ps I live up north in CT, close to NY..the winters are beautiful and brutal...BRUTAL..and heating costs are exhorbitant.. and the
property taxes are ridiculous. In a town right next to us the mill rate is 40%.
New York and New Jersey are the only states with higher property taxes.
Look into it before you move..most of us up here at retirement are moving south!

I know how you feel..... 7 years ago someone said to be careful ... "She'll suck the life out of you".... I know know what they meant... When my mother moved in with us I told her I would not be her 24/7 playmate. She forgets many things included not being her 24/7 playmate.. now she's telling everyone I don't take her any where and that is why she shreds paper and coupons all over the house with no where to go. The coupons are things I would not buy and she hoards them so no one can use them.... she needs help for daily routines and it is getting in the way of my own marriage because my husband is retired now and we always planned to travel....

I wish I had an answer for you. I am just beginning my life as a care giver for my husband who has dementia. He can take care of his basic needs and do a few simple chores, for which I am grateful. He isn't sure he recognizes me even though we have been married for 55 years. The most difficult part is the fact that all decisions are for me to make and I have no one to bounce ideas off of, but this is my life and I must accept it. I don't have help at this time because he is aware enough to be upset if I am not here. I'm not sure what the future holds, but then, none of us do. My bet to you. I hope you can find some time for yourself.

Hi tallman - I know exactly what you are talking about. I have been taking care of 93 year old father for two years. I just turned 60 and had a hatd time because i feel life will be passed by me when he goes. He wont have any help so its been 24/7 for two years. I lost my job my home everything. This is not what i spent my life working for. He was a mean abusive father and he is a mean abusive old man. When you are all alone, friends have dumped you long ago it is hard to even care enough to do routine things. A few months ago one of his doctors looked at me and asked if i was ok. No one asks about me so i thought i heard wrong. He said he was worried and pushed me to get a therspist for me. I sincerely advise that just having someone in your corner. I also picked two afternoons a week when i go to do volunteer work. I am rigid about this because i feel like im slipping away. I dont care how many rages, tricks and shenaigans my dad does i go. I would suggest you do something for yourself and insist. Otherwise its too hard and im not sure its enough but at least i get to talk to others and get away. It would be nice to have people to be supportive of me but that doesnt seem possible. Good luck.

Thank you all for sharing your experiences and methods of coping. This whole post has helped me to realize I'm not the only one going through this experience. I'm 80 years old and caring for my 87 yr old husband who has Alzheimer's and had a stroke about a year ago which weakened his left leg to the point he cannot walk without a walker, and then only shakily and for a short distance. I am still full of life, healthy and was very involved with volunteer work and with my huge family of 6 kids, 6 in-law kids, 12 grands and 12 great-grands. Now I've had to quit the volunteer work and can't go out often to be with anyone in the family. Some of the kids live near us but they all work and have their own chores to do on weekends. They help out often, but only for a few hours at a time so I can do necessary shopping and med. appointments. I miss the casual lifestyle we've lived for nearly 60 years...coming & going as I pleased, hubby going on day or week long golf and fishing trips, being able to go off alone for a week to visit kids far away, roaming the mall occasionally with a girl friend, out to lunch with friends, church circle meetings, etc. I admit I have bitter moments, but when I think back on the fabulous times we've had on cruises and trips and how secure we've always been raising out family, I can only be grateful. I know this isn't going to help anyone, but I just needed to say it. Thanks for listening and keep sharing your methods of coping.

I think my advice would be to see if there isn't some safe, caring home or assisted living center where you could place your mom--some place close by so that you could visit her, but still have a life of your own. That is what I find myself considering for my mom. She also is very dear, sweet, and cooperative, but until you live with a person who has dementia, you have no idea of the toll it takes on on your own life and your spouse's!

I devoted 8 years of my life traveling back and forth across the country to care for my parents when emergencies came up, and finally 2 years ago,had them both move in with my husband and me. My father passed away one year ago, and since then I have been responsible for my mom's total care.

I am 68, and my husband retired a year ago. I want some time to spend with him traveling and enjoying whatever time we have left. I feel guilty for wanting to get my mom out of our house, but I am beginning to feel resentful and angry, and I don't want to feel that way about my dear mom so I think the time has come to find a place of her own for her.

I completely understand. I am 58 yrs. old and was 49 yrs. when I moved in with my mother. She made all of us children promise to never put her in a nursing home. We did, but neither my sister or brother take care of her .I have been handicapped all of my life and she or somebody else had to watch and be with me everywhere I went, ( I had epilepsy). I even worked a job with her at her beauty shop. I now am well, and I've always wanted to drive and be on my own. This has been my dream. I live with her out in the country where theirs nothing to do around here. So when others advise me to get out and go somewhere , I ask where and they don't know either. Also, I feel somewhat uneasy going somewhere by myself because I haven't really gone out without someone being with me. I don't have any children and have only my sister and brother with only 1 nephew. I feel completely alone. I was always around people, especially at the beauty shop. We know longer have it or the people we knew, because of financial reasons and mother building up here. I feel like we are siamease twins.She gives me no space even now. I want to get on with my life but can't seem to. Life only comes around once and it won't be long and I will be old too. I know we have to make everyday count but how ? I resent her for not realizing what I try to tell her about it is time to live my dream. She plays mad a lot and has no feelings for me having a new life and wanting to be happy. She says she does not understand why I am not happy she has done so much for me and she has. She is becoming forgetful and her health is going down . She is 82 yrs. I desperately want out, but do not know how? I too, need answers and please pray for me as well. Thank You.

queenbee, I love my parents dearly, but I know that feeling of being resentful and angry. When my parents were my age, they were enjoying their retirement, lot of travel, dining out, etc. They never needed to be Caregivers to their own parents so they don't understand the stress they are putting me under.

I still work, I do it for my own sanity, and it is like a mini vacation every day. It's about the only time they are not on my mind. And I am around a building of super nice people from all walks of life. It's so nice to laugh once in awhile :)
My Dad had mentioned to me that I should retire to help them more.... I asked my Dad if he had retired to care for his parents.... he said *no*, and he never asked me that question me again.

I had to go to therapy to deal with this stress, even though my parents aren't under my roof, nor I under their roof. I was still their extension to the outside world, thus a lot of driving them here and there. My doctor told me that my parents had made their choice to remain in their large house, therefore my parents need to own up to the responsibly that comes with owning such a home.... and I remind them of their *choice* any time they ask to go somewhere.... "gee, Mom & Dad, if you had moved to Ashby Ponds retirement community they have free transportation to the stores and doctor offices". Or if Dad says he's bored... "gee, Dad, if you had moved to Ashby Ponds you could be enjoying the indoor swimming pool or the workshop or dining at one of their restaurants or go out for a nice walk, but you and Mom made the choice to keep living in this house". By the way, I had to cut my driving by 90% as the panic attacks became too great.

Gosh, I should be Christmas shopping, but the spirit of the holidays left a couple of years ago :(

I agree. I look after my mom and she is 91. You have to regain your life back. I am not with her her 24/7, but I am only 10 minutes away from her.Enjoy what you have with her and take her places, that you both can enjoy. She will love it. You havew what it is called a burn out right now. Take care of yourself first.

I do understand all the feelings about caring for your ill parents it's been hard for us.
So much what every one has said I have though and gone through. After reading most of this I don't feel bad for my thoughts. I also realized my parents didn't take care of theirs. So wonder why I do, they lived there life as there parents go old, sick and died.We sold our home and every thing so we could travel in a 5th wheel my daughter was going to live by my dad and be there if he need help. Soon as every thing sold my dad ran her off she was the last grand kid having any thing to do with him. I felt like he did just for we wouldn't go, so every time we do we don't stay very long because some thing happens and we have to come back.
This is me rambling so much more to say. I do go to a counselor and take meds, but wife won't.

Tallman, I understand your feelings. I am going on year number 11 since my mother's stroke. There was no question in the beginning that I needed to take care of her, as I am her only child. However, when I first started, it's a good thing that I didn't know how much I would be giving up. Yes, I have days like yours...when I wonder how I will ever reclaim the person I once was....because you can't go through this long a process and not lose some of yourself. Even with that fear that my life will never be quite the same again, I know without a doubt that I am doing what I have to do. I had to smile when I read becky1234's account of her experiences and how she has learned to be thankful for some of the smallest things in life...that hot cup of coffee, that beautiful sunset, the sound of birds singing....because that has also become a big coping mechanism for me, too. She is right when she says 'don't focus on the long term'...I couldn't agree more...and have learned to live moment by moment, day by day. If I said it was easy, I would not be truthful....it's difficult, but this is one of the most important jobs we will ever have. And, when the day comes that we are the ones in need of care, we will be very blessed to find that someone would take care of us, as we took care of our needy parents. One bright spot...we are setting a good example for others...and in the case of myself who does have children, I feel that I am showing them the proper way to treat our loved ones. Hope you can find peace...hang in there, you are doing a very valuable service for a loved one...and, when it comes down to it, isn't that one of the most important things you can do in this life? Wishing you much luck....peace....and hope you can find happiness in the simplest of things.

A modern philosopher once said that commitment is like a roller coaster and the only time to get off is at the end. Honoring my commitment to let my 96-year-old mother remain in her home is sustains my awareness that it's a no-matter-what promise I made to her.

At the same time, many of us are not aware at the beginning just how tough it will get. Sometimes it's hard to accept that our lives have changed so drastically. However, I am convinced that my own sense of freedom and peace depends on embracing the new life as my own -- the life that I consciously chose.

So I say to myself: Okay. This is it. Now what’s the sane, the realistic way to deal with it? At first I was reluctant to ask for help, thinking I could and should do it myself. Then Mom’s condition deteriorated to the point she has to be watched almost constantly to prevent falls. I can’t leave her alone, even to work in the yard. So I asked for and got some backup.

If your financial situation doesn’t allow for hiring someone to watch and care for your mother, you could look for outside resources, possibly starting with Jefferson County government. What programs are available? Is your mother eligible for home care funded by her health insurance (Medicare or otherwise)? Is she the widow of a veteran who served during wartime and thereby qualified for Veterans Administration support?

If you are too depressed to manage the research and calling people, is there someone else who can do it for you? Once you have regular respite, perhaps your head will clear enough to see what else is needed.

Meanwhile, blessings to you and all concerned for a positive resolution to this challenge in the near future.

I am 47, single and recently unemployed, living with my mother who has Alzheimer's - diagnosed since 2008. Things were manageable for awhile, being able to work fulltime outside of the home and having a caregiver stay with her during the day. But as the years have gone on, as I am now unemployed and caregiver funds are just about gone, I am realizing that this may be much bigger than I am able to handle. It is giving up your life for another, and if you are a Christian, Jesus said that is the highest form of love possible. It is sacrifice and only when we see everything disappearing, we realize the extent of the sacrifice. Our lives diminish along with the loved one and from what I have been reading, our lives may terminate before the loved one. Other people really don't get it, if everyone had this isolating experience, maybe others would volunteer to help, but maybe that is a queue to the caregiver that you have walked as far as you can with your loved one. I don't know, I'm still trying to figure it out and dealing with the same guilt a lot of you have talked about. I have been sleeping in the reclining chair next to my mom who sleeps on the sofa in the living room. It's funny how absurd things become "normal". You don't want to leave them behind. If you were soldiers, you stay with the wounded....and try to get them to safety and help. You adapt to their world, and it can make you feel like you are going crazy. It is a blessing and honor to take care of your parent(s), my mother did so much for me and my sister (who has her own family and does not have the capacity to help care for her). So many emotions involved and I am also feeling life draining out of me. So, do I commit my life to the end? Why are nursing homes so abhorrent? Why doesn't anyone do anything about them? They drug and make zombies out of our loved ones and none of us wants to see that happen. Having to pay $6,000 per month for decent care is reserved for the rich, who has that kind of money? It makes me angry and sad and confused as to what to do. They predict that dementia will take an increasing toll on our population and how in the world will Medicaid survive? Again, the people in our government make the kind of money where they don't get how the average American citizen is going bankrupt, becoming homeless, ... by simply their loving someone else.

I feel the same way, I get so angry and have to keep it under control. Sometimes I get that tone and I may raise my voice and I know it hurts her feelings and when she tells me she is sorry I feel even shi*tter. I always apologize all the time because I need to , I pray every day that I will feel better about doing this. I do have 2 grown sons who come over regularly which keeps my sanity. sort of. I have no where to go when I can go out. I wake up every morning dissapointed that I actually woke up. It is worse now that mom is on oxygen and I have to keep reminding her that it is a 24/7 thing. She has alz and forgets. I overreact and get so overwhelmed I call nurses and whoever I can to make sure she is ok. I working on getting a grip on that. I keep thinking when will this end? The I realize it ends when she passes and that hurts even more. I just wish my depression would lighten up, I am on antidepressents for years and antianxiety drugs, and I am still a mess. I am just whining and I just have to get it out. My son does not understand as he comes over and gets to leave. I understand that but it makes me so sad. My family will come whenever I invite them for dinner, but sometimes I just don't feel like cooking for 7 people. Oh well my son will always come over and help me with whatever I need. Both sons are like that. I am just whining now.

It sounds like you are trying to do the impossible 24/7 care. I don't think your depression will lighten up until you make some changes in your mother's care like either hiring people to care for her at home or placing her in a nursing home.

You cannot trade your life for your mother's life. If you want to move to a colder climate then do it, if you need to build your business then do it. Look, you will have to make accommodations but do not give up your life for your mother.

Tallman- The feelings you have are completely understandable. I am 56 and am taking care of a 97 year old mom with dementia. Although I left a full time job earlier this year to become her primary caregiver, I continue to have respite care in order to ensure that I do not burnout. In our 50's, we all begin to feel more tired and have less energy- and being a caregiver just makes it that much worse!. During my respite care periods, I try and continue to maintain as much normalcy as possible for myself, dinners with friends, shopping trips, etc. Sometimes my downtime is simply curling up somewhere with a good book or movie but the point is I get to control MY time, since so much of our caregiver existence is given over to be controlled by someone else's needs. You must make sure you are maintaining a social network and getting out of the house. If you can't afford private respite care, check with your local elder services agency to see what programs your mom might be eligible for, perhaps even an adult day health program which could help both of you. I know it probably doesn't feel like it, but you are lucky in that your mom is a kind person; for some dealing with an elder can be doubly exhausting if there are behavioral issues. Also, if you can find a good caregiver support group in your area, I find that friends can be helpful but many cannot understand what it truly means to care for someone full time. Other caregivers can provide a wonderful support network as they understand what you are going through.
What you are doing now for your mom is an incredible act of courage and selflessness. Give yourself a huge pat on the back for being the person you are and realize that it won't be forever. Some day you will once again be able to travel and live/do what you want and you will feel at peace with what you did for your mom. I wish you all the best!

Oh my, so many of these posts are soooo helpful to read. Other folks may have compassion for care givers, but only those actually doing it - particularly 24/7 for someone with dementia - can even begin to truly relate. And the isolation of this endeavor makes hearing from others who understand utterly priceless.

Wanting to send out hugs to ALL of you!!! Thanks for sharing. I'm overwhelmed with thoughts and feelings at the moment - and too much of a "hot mess" to be able to organize them right now - but I know that when I am able to think straight and convey things, this site is a great place to do so. It is truly a lifeline.

God bless you all for the good you are doing, and the grief/frustration that doesn't always allow you to believe it, and the toll it is taking on you. Hang in there. Praying for us all!!

A lot of posts equate loving one's elders with not ever using facility care.

I'm not so sure this is right...or totally wrong...

Self sacrifice is a virtue, sure. But failing to take care of yourself is not. And dying of self-neglect before your caregivee passes on is pointless. They go on needing care, and you are not there at all to even make sure the facility or alternative caregivers are carrying out what you may have promised.

Love your caregivees, but love yourself too; don't try to do what you cannot do, at least year after year for an indefinite length of time, and do realize that it is not good for the past to be allowed to destroy the future. Whatever choices you have and whatever choices you make about providing care personally or with outside help, make them in good faith and with honesty and practicality in mind. May God bless you and your loved ones.

A preacher in church today talked about the Shawshank Redemption, and I thought of how much it was like caregiving. He talked about one parolee who had been in the prison for 50 years got out and had nothing waiting for him. That parolee gave up and hung himself. Then a second parolee (Red) was released, but there was a difference. Before Red was released, his friend had escaped from prison and told him to go to a place to find something buried there for him -- a note to tell him where to come and money to get there. Because of this, Red had purpose and something waiting for him. It ended well for him. We've probably all seen the movie, so everyone knows what I'm talking about.

Caregiving can be much like being in prison, sometimes for a long time. We are changed by it. People who look at the end of their time with their loved one may worry about what is beyond. Their money is scant, their relationships are shot. There doesn't look like there is anything there. A person can get lost. Other people can say "you need to get out more," but that sounds like so much yada yada. Anyone who is a caregiver understands this, especially if they are alone.

Strange how we would never do to our loved one what we do to ourselves. We cannot sacrifice our lives so they don't have to move. That is not a fair trade. We can't cut ourselves off from human contact because they don't want anyone to come into the house. We can't dedicate our lives solely to them, because soon they will be gone and we'll be left with nothing.

We talk a lot of the group about narcissistic and borderline personality disorders. There is also a disorder called self-defeating personality disorder. One of the key symptoms of the disorder is self sacrifice. We might could be a successful person in our field, but we had to stay home and take care of our parents. Sorry, that makes no sense. We don't have to sacrifice this way to take care of parents. There are other options.

I find myself in Shawshank and I've been guilty of not paying attention to my life. It really has to end, because I am starting to feel like a dirty dog. There has to be a way to rebuild some semblance of a normal life. I don't owe my lifetime of happiness so my mother can sit in her pajamas all day and watch TV. I know I've been feeling lost, but I know it's something I have to quit doing to myself.

Pardon the mental ramblings, but sometimes we have to give ourselves a swift mental kick.

JessieBelle, you are not rambling. I must admit that I had not heard of self-defeating personality disorder, but I did look it Google it. It's no longer formerly in the DSM, but it is also called Masochistic Personality Disorder. I don't know about the diagnosis, but I have read much masochistic behavior and outlooks which I find to be heartbreaking.

To stop one's job or career in their 40ties or 50ties is suicide of one's own retirement and more. I don't think any parent except one with a narcissistic or borderline personality would want their adult child to do so.

I don't understand the outlook that such extreme self-sacrifice is ok if one is not married and does not have children. That is what some siblings think of the single, single parent, or never married sibling who is taking care of mom or dad. It is the outlook that single people don't have and don't deserve to have a life which is false. My mother in law wanted my wife and her sister to spend their whole life living at home to look after them instead of having a life which was and is sick. They both got their freedom and have lives of their own.

Nor do I think such masochistic behavior sets a good example for our own adult children some of whom might do the same thing to their own destruction which I can't see a parent wanting for their adult child. Other adult children will see such extreme self-sacrifice and say to themselves that they are never going to do that for their parents and would not expect that of their own children.

I know this must sound harsh, but people the feeling of loosing your life is real and that emotion (plus anger) along with your mental and physical health is crying out that something is wrong. The something that is wrong is what I consider to be self-abuse or slow suicide by degree. I don't know how many stories that I have read of this site where a person who has sacrificed themselves so no longer knows how to live or how to go on living once the person they are doing 24/7 caregiving of dies. This is not what we need to be doing to ourselves or the example to set for others to follow.

Jessebelle. That was such an eye opener very well written. I wish I could get past the guilt I feel about doing something about mom but I am stuck now maybe another time I will be able to get more help. Until then thank you for the wise words

I know what you feel. I'm sorry you feel the way you do. I moved dad in this year when mom died. I have a wife and older children (moved out). Dad is mobile but chooses not to do much but always complains he is bored. I got him into my civic group. He has bad knees (this is new) he complains about them all the time. If he wants to do something there is not issue. I gave him a living room,bed and bath. While is not not much that I need to do it has completely changed my standard of living. I and self employed, I work at home. We don't just take off and do what we want any longer. Our love life has somewhat reduced as having another person in the house added a bit of a stress to that side (working on that). We don't visit with friends like we used to (have people over) just gets a tad weird when dad is in the middle of my friends monopolizing the conversation or we take him with us, just is weird ....... I don't unlike having him here as it is my duty but it has changed us. My siblings are out of the picture, I saw my brother at a family wedding and he didn't even speak to me.....
Dad wants to get his knees done (I have issue with it) so he wants to get them done here (Dr. is an hour away). so he says I have to take care of him while he recuperates! I live in a snowy climate and I have a 3 story house! My sister is the nurse, I told him to go stay with her. Ugh! What ever I say is wrong. So when I say I feel your pain I do. I am trying to get out more with my friends, date night with my wife and trying to feel less guilty when I go out by myself. I had a civic club to volunteer at and he was miffed I didn't tell him I was going, it was hard heavy work and I can't take my dad with me 24/7.

I too have given everything up to care for my MIL, my husban still had to work to provide for us since he has been in the military 23 years, so I gave up my mgr position with a co. I worked for 9 years to move in with my MIL so she could stay in her home. I recommend seeing a counselor to talk to it really helps. also my husband once said something that has stayed with me, It doesn't have to feel right to be right!! meaning even though this is hurting us to be apart while he serves and I care for his mom, it is the right thing to do by caring for her. she has dementia and I am doing what I can to take good care of her. the main thing is she is warm, dry and well fed. At this point it is about quality of life. I also took to thrift shops, she likes to go too and i buy wood furinture that I can refinish and then sell it or use for our own home. This is extremely helpful as an outlet for me. Every day is a new day!! try to have a sense of humor, laughter is good medicine. good luck.

Here is a new take:

A few months ago I heard a preacher say something about the Good Samaritan, I'm paraphrasing here...

the preacher said if you notice, even the good Samaritan attended to the man who needed help, found him a place to rest and be taken care of, paid the person who took the ill man in to care for him, and then the Good Samaritan went on his way.

The good Samaritan did not drop everything that he had to do and care for the ill man himself, but made sure the ill man was taken care of by someone who could.

This is food for thought for all of us who for some reason, think we have to be the caretakers, even if we are sick, have to work to live, are overwhelmed with other responsibilities.....

you know as we age taking care of an aging parent or parents who get sicker and sicker, and need more and more care, is a lot different than when they took care of us as we grew up. They were young and healthy, and we grew up and took over much of the work for ourselves in time. With aging parent the opposite is the case. They need more care as time goes on and we are in our later years ourselves.

We really do not have to do the actual caregiving to be good, dutiful, loving, responsible and kind adult children.!

Playing devil's advocate here, coleman. Why is it so important that your MIL remain in her home? It was important enough that you should give up your job and your own home. For people who depend on their time and income to make it by, it can take a heavy toll that is not covered by love.

Your husband's words don't apply to most situations. Usually feeling something is wrong is our body's way of telling us we need to change. If we're trying on shoes and a pair pinches our toes, we know we need to look for a different pair. If our pants become too tight, it is time to buy a larger size. If we wake up in despair about our situation each morning, we know it is time to make changes -- to get help with our situation.

There are situations where if something doesn't feel right, it is still the right thing to do. Sacrifices made for our country, our loved ones, and others can fall in this category of things. We have to decide how much we can sacrifice and draw the line when it goes down the path of harming ourselves too much when it comes to caregiving.

This is not saying that we shouldn't be caregivers, only that we should keep it in balance so we do not harm ourselves. This is why I always advise people not to quit jobs unless they can afford to do it. I feel so sad when I read of a single person who quit their job and gave up their home to go somewhere to take care of a parent who needs 24/7 care. We often get questions here about if there is any way to get paid.

BTW, I am not a selfish person. I am actually a little too selfless for my own good. But I think a lot about the way things are. What I do see is that we often put a parent very high on a pedestal, so their wishes outweigh those of all the other family members. It sounds noble to do this, but it really has no logic. Each family has to decide what the best thing to do, given their own circumstances.

But I hold firm to my thought to never quit a day job unless there is enough money put back to last you a lifetime. What cmag wrote is so wise and addresses so well the way I feel about things. He has been through it and has seen the worst, so he knows.

ldjh, very good example from Jesus himself. :)

As hard as it is to care for out elder parents...my worst experience is with the parent that is mentally abusive, demanding and likes to play games for attention!! My father complains, complains and still tries to use the silent treatment on me or tells me he can't hear me...when I'm trying to tell him something. Believe me...he has hearing problems...but the hearing is very "selective!" My mother has dementia...I have to do everything for her, BUT, she never complains...and it is soooooo much easier than taking care of my crabby, a**, dad! I've had enough of his bull...and in return...he is getting the silent treatment...no help with anything including his meals!!! I keep everything clean...and he could always dig in the fridge for food if he wants. I'm NOT playing that game with him anymore....and I feel much BETTER!! I have my mother and a million other things I can do...have fun alone pops!!

Elder care has improved and changed dramatically since those promises were made!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to reinforce what JessieBelle said:

We have to be practical and realistic. I am really surprised to hear over and over how many people have "promised" to their parents that they "would never put them in a home."

Let's take a look at that from a practical point of view: can we really make a promise like that? How do we know we will even be alive to take care of parents? How do we know we will be able to take care of parents? How do we know we will be financially stable enough to do so? Or, as we are seeing, emotionally strong enough to do so? Are we assuming that parents would wish to ruin their childrens' lives to keep them out of a NH?

Also, is it not true that the whole science of elder care has improved and changed dramatically since those promises were made? Elder care today includes much more sophisticated meds and much more sophisticated programs than we observed twenty years ago. What is so terrible about having meds and food taken care of, safety, no wondering, company to talk with, someone to play cards with, parties, etc.???

I say we have to do what is best for ALL. The last time I visited my grandchildren I was struck by how much they needed my attention, which had been riveted on my mom for the prior year. I said to myself: my mother is not the only person on the face of the earth--how about that! Today I am making plans to divide my time evenly between my grandchildren, my mother, and my poor old husband--and, oh yes, maybe a little for me!