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Wallie49,

Clearly, your mother is a danger to others given "she threatened to burn the house down." I sort of wish that you had her involuntarily committed for psychological evaluation which she really needs now with these stupid charges. I would find a good lawyer whose focus is family law because you are going to need one.

No you are not supposed to put up with such abuse but there are people who will try to make you feel guilty for putting them in a nursing home.
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Never knew until today there are people in the same boat as I am. I had a verbally, physically abusive mother (age 90) living with us. We finally had to put her in a nursing home because we were afraid of her - she threw her walker at me one day, used the F-word regularly in front of my kids, threatened to burn the house down, and we are supposed to put up with this and grin and bear it? I don't think so. And today, I receive in the mail, papers from the Department of Family Services that we are being accused of elder neglect, abandonment, etc. What the heck do I do now?
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If they have been released from a hosptial and have been there 3 days Medicare if you have it will do some care it depends where you live and is not very adaquet but it is some help and if you have a careing nurse open your case you will get more there does not seem to be any stated rules and it does not matter in what health the other spouse is in or wheather you are alone caring for the person and you can not count on them many times they will call and say they are short and noone will be there that day but it is a little help-that is one thing I am trying to change in my county-even though my husband has passed away, We may be getting a different agency in our county for home care-one that was around when I was a baby where I lived so hopfully things will change but we need to be after our elected officials and those running for local or state things will not change unless we get vocal and let other know about the problems we have.
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Meka, if the parent is a Vet, there is a veteran's caregiver benefit, an amt of $ to pay for respite caregivers. The amt is more if spouse/widow also needs it.

here's some info, written in 2008. This will give you enough to google term. Also search this website where this issue is covered regularly.

A totally overlooked source of money to pay family caregivers to provide care at home is the aid and Attendance Pension Benefit. This money is available to veterans who served during a period of war. Pension money is also available to the widows of these veterans. This benefit, under the right circumstances, can provide up to $1,843 a month in additional income to pay family members to provide care at home.
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How do you shun abusive speech from your parents. And critism too when your trying to do your best? Does anybody know about medicare sending part-tie caregivers like for hygienes, bathing,etc? Hopefully it's not out of pocket expenses. Thanks for replies
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so sorry for your pain- i told my kids if i treat them badly - put me in a home- my mom does not -yet- but if she did i would - i know she would not want me to put up with that- she pretty good spirits but even on a bad day she will act so sweet and nice to strangers- so she woukld probably do well in a nursing home - but for now shes basically nice- and i feel so sorry for her- she does not know me in the mornings- i have tgo pull out pics of me when i was litle and tell her its me all grown up- what a sad disease - i dont want her to feel alone- she has been with me for 4 months - i have her 24/7 siblings live out of state and 1 brother lives in her house 90 miles away -mom is 79 i am 48, my son moved out on a saturday at th3 age of 20 and my mom moved in the next day - so mkuch for the empty nest
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The doctors at Kaiser don't seem so stuck on pushing things, but how can they be around Mom 24/7 like I am and second guess such a complicated case? Mom fine this morning cept for the leg cramps early am. Stay tuned.

Mom's regular doc is fine about taking her off drugs for a trial of 'without" for a few weeks. Ditropan, Zocor, Seroquel, Namenda, and Ativan are all drugs we had problems with and stopped. She's now only on Zoloft as far as brain altering substances go. think we'll keep that one however.
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Alz your Mom is so lucky to have you taking care of her-I am glad you are questioning the doc in this area the sales reps really most of the time decide what meds the doc hand out those free samples cost plenty when you get a script filled so always question them I have called my doc's office when my insurance com. will not cover a med and the nurse will say I am not sure Docter likes that med and I say I do not care I can not afford a med not covered and so far have gotten my say about -I worked with docs I know they aren't God
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So far this morning, not even any back and leg cramps, which might have been withdrawal symptoms. She complained about her forearms being sticky, and when I gave her the choice of getting up now at 8 am or sleeping in another hour, she chose to sleep in. OK by me. She did have a few woozie potholes of confusion last night. I'm not expecting total recovery here, but when someone has a hard time giving you even a yes/no answer to something, this sort of improved consciousness and alertness is very welcome.
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AlzCaregiver that is great. Hope she continues to improve.
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Update, my mother has just come out of an 8-month stupor, and I;ve had my first conversation with her in all this time. REally in probably 8 years. She did once come out of her Alzheimer's funk after getting off Ditropan a few years ago. We'll see if she can improve or if this is just an odd moment of freaky clarity. This is getting of Ativan for four days or so. Good grief, all those...oh well. Too tired to shake my fists.
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Compassion fatigue, wow, those are the words I needed. I can not explain to anyone why I am so drained at times,those two words will help so much!
Hope your mother improves!
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Susan I remember when my mother was first stages of dimentia it seems like that was the hard stage. It was like she knew something was wrong but did not know what it was. She knew she was losing her mind but did not know why. No matter how many times I told her she had dimentia it just did not sink in. So I think so of her lashing out came from her being scared. She got so bad that I could not wait till she moved on to other stages but now that she is in the last stage I wish she could remember who I am just one more time. In time it will get better but there is a whole lot of crap that you have to go thru first. There was a time when my mom told my siblings that we had no food and that I would not feed her, and that I was stealing her money. My sibling leave close by and will not help but when she told them that they believed her. It has been a long hard road but giving a chance to do it all over again I would. My mom but up alot with me growing up I quess it is my turn. Good Luck and hand in there.
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I understand, that's why I liked trying these drugs, at first. I mean, how often does one get experience in this in a lifetime. On the job training, and the doctors will not carefully monitor it. I can't believe how I trusted their decisions. And then challenged them. So make note of the side effects of the Seroquel especially, or you will be medicating to stop those side effects, even giving more of what is causing the bizarre behavior.

So far to day, four days off Ativan and no other psyche drugs, Mom just had a bit of a meltdown when her dentures came out. Almost like a giving up the ghost, a non verbal variation on the 'I'm DEAD" schtick. Later she perked up and I was even able to wash out her ears without her thinking she was going to hell.

You know, we've taken this discussion way off the original poster's question. Sorry...
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Well they say everybody is not the same. But has bad as I hate giving her all that medicine it sure helps.
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Wow, a heavy load of drugs. Unchartered territory. As I mentioned, Seroquel itself made mom "mad" after a short term use, and very low dose. My RN niece said when patients like that came into her ward, they took them off everything and started over. The only thing Namenda did for Mom was to make her desire a nap all the time.
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Sometimes it takes more than one Rx medicine to do the job. My mom takes Lexapro, Seroquil, Aricept, Namenda and Xannax to get her thru the day and night and sometimes that still is not enough.
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Mom's new complaint is back/leg/toe cramps. I know how painful they are. She just wants to lie in bed, again ironically a prime cause of the pain in the first place: sitting on your butt or lying around in bed all day. However, she is more directly responsive to my suggestions, understanding what I am doing and why, and seems to anticipate that the future can bring relief (In a half hour the Tylenol should make you feel better).

However, as I mentioned in my bear trapping manipulative behavior a few posts ago, if you do everything you can and the person is not responding, appreciating, cooperating...keeps repeating the same complaint over and over. I don't know about you but eventually I want to kick them into a hole and walk away. That's compassion fatigue.

However, in spite of the leg cramp problem, I am "happy" at the turn of events as far as her mental condition. She is now accurate about her aches, and throwing "fits' appropriate to the pain. She's not blithering "I'm DEAD" any more about every little thing, like her dentures are loose. I don't know how many hours I day I'd argue with her that she was really alive. Insanity for both of us. Ativan, good riddance. Now we'll see what her baseline craziness really is. Except for the leg cramps, so far so good.
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Sorry to hear that you are going thru that. Maybe you need to talk to his doctor about this. People with dimentia do things like that. They put her on Lexapro I call it her nice pill. It does help. I hope you find help because it will only get worst.

Oliviajr
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Although "they" say not to argue with people with Alzheimer's, I DO. Mom goes crazy with the "I'm DEAD" stuff, I yell SNAP OUT OF IT and clap my hands sharply. Often it works. Now turns out this DEAD illusion stuff is due to using Ativan to ironically stop her anxiety behavior. Had a real positive turnaround in the past few days sans Ativan. But that's another story.

So, here is an image about complainers. A good shrink friend of mine, long deceased, shared in his biography that the thing that drove him nuts about some patients was this. Some patients came in to share their troubles with him, and he'd give advice of how to approach the problems. Next visit, the stories continue, more elaborate, and NO the patient had not tried his suggestion. He offers another approach. And it continues like that for not too much longer. He is on to them.

They are doing what he called "bear trapping." The patient was hiring his help but they were really trying to enlist him onto their side, trying to enroll the therapist as an expert cast member in their drama. Trying to persuade The Expert of the validity of their position and feelings. He saved a special place in hell for these clients. I wish I could have been a fly on the wall when he let them have it. And woe to the next client who tried it.

So your mother with her litany of complaints, accepting no help. My mother does this also with her "I'm DEAD" moan, and I have literally walked away from her after I offered everything I could think of to help. Ironically, I'd think of popping her with a quarter tab of Ativan to take away her anxiety. As it is with some of these mind altering drugs, they often create the symptoms you are trying to control.

After two days off Ativan, my mother is coming back to her senses and now complains specifically about a precise area that hurts or is cold. She understands what I am doing to help.

These sorts of drugs that may have been Rx'd to help, they can backfire on you. I am looking forward to seeing what is left of my mother after six months being on psyche drugs. So far, I like what is happening with her.
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Thanks for the advice about my Dad. Things are very stressful, the crux of the issue is my Mom. She is 80 and fell last August and broke her hip. So we did the hospital for 5 days and rehab for 30 days and in home care for 6 weeks. She became the center of attention which she craves. And maybe rightfully so. I have 5 brothers and sisters and she raised all of us, alot of the time on her own. My Dad travelled alot before he retired so my Mom was left to do most everything on her own. She has been a big complainer over every ache and pain for years. Her legitamet (sp?) complaints, needing both knees replaced and major, major "female" surgery were just put on the back burner (her choice). She never had the knees replaced and the "female" surgery was done about 3 years too late and she now bears the consequnses of that.
She was finally doing well after the surgery when she developed a bad lung infection. This will require antibiotics for another 18 months. So everything she had gained went out the window. She is weak b/c she won't get up more than about an hour and a half a day. She has only left the house 3 times in the last 6 weeks, twice to the store with me and once to the Dr. I put a "to do" list on her fridge of all the things the Dr told her to do. There is always an excuse not to do any of it. The main one is to get more PT to get some of her strength back. Won't do it even though I can find 5 places right next to her house to go to. My Dad feels he can't help care for her, he is 85. I truly don't know if he can't or doesn't want to and wants me to do everything for her. He is use to her doing everything inside the house. He does help with some things (taking the trash out, fixing breakfast, paying bills, unloading dishwasher at times, etc) that's why I don't think they need a nursing home. I do all the medical bills and dealing with insurance and Medicare (oh joy!). I love my Mother, she has been there for me thru some very rough times. She just won't do anything other than take medicine to help herself. I can't drag her to PT or the eye Dr or to get her hair cut etc. etc. But then she wants to complain about all the problems associated with not doing these things. So much more to it but I am rambling. I have a hard time turning my back on people that need help whether inside my family or out. I know what it is like to need some help and praying that I would get some. Yes I am in therapy so trying the best I can. I did try to get help for my Mom's anxiety and (I think depression) when she was inpatient rehab. My Dad would not allow the psychiatrist to do a consult....those Drs. are for insane people--his logic. Thanks for letting me vent.
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you could just tell ur dad u aint going to tollerate that abusvie crap and for that he s going to nursing home !!! maybe that;ll wake him up ?
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Tell him that when he can talk with you as an adult then you will discuss what ever is on his mind but until then you will not and walk out of the room. He needs to have some consequences for his actions and you need to protect yourself. The one mistake people often make about boundaries is they think it is a means of changing the other person. No it is a means of protecting yourself with concrete consequences. If they change great, but if not they have to pay the price for their own choices.
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maybe you should tell him every time he is verbally abusive toward you that you don't appreciate nor deserve to be treated that way because you are the only one helping him put and tell him that you will have to leave if he continues with this practice. maybe comeback in 10 minutes and if you have finished by the day, just leave and come back tomorrow or if you lives with him. try to have an isolated room for yourself only to relax on don't let him know about that isolated room? maybe?
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My husband could turn it on and off-be the jolly green giant to others and be darnright mean to me the next min. It took years for me to decide I did not deserve to be treated that way and more time to act on those feelings-and the first few times I did not let him get to me the sky did not fall and it did get easier-now my mother that is another story but I am working on that also,
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Susan, my mom has moved to Assisted Living the verbal abuse continues. She always "screaming matches" as she termed them with me and her only sister. My aunt has been dead several years and the screaming continued at me. Now, with dementia, it is multiplied a 100 times. Like someone posted above - she has one personality for everyone else and the verbally abusive one for me.

Short visits work best. I can even take her out to lunch or shopping for a short time, but over 15 minutes in the car and it starts. I have a lot of trouble dealing with this, but I am getting better. I have always adored my mother and for 28 years since Dad passed away I have always tried to make her life better and happier. I think maybe I have to accept that the most I can hope for now is "good days."
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Seroquel is precisely NOT recommended for elderly dementia patients, for all the reasons I listed. I learned about "not for dementia patients" from those wonderful TV ads that showed people painted to look like the background for the sofa, bookshelf, etc. Also there were warnings for the drug right on the sidebar of many of the websites I visited. Jeeze, pay attention! Mom didn't show sx right away; and really, seeing Mom more delusional and out of control, my first instinct was to INCREASE the Seroquel. I quickly researched the drug's user forums and other places and found the bad things were caused by the Seroquel, and Mom had them all. YIKES. Yes, spinning through drugs is what it feels like. Namenda was another we tried, and I think it helped, but made her so sleepy that it wasn't worth the tradeoff.
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Be very careful about what meds an older person takes. Do your research before asking a doctor for a drug because some meds clearly state, not for an older person, or not for someone with demintia, etc. Some drugs should really only be prescribed by a psychiatrist who has given the elderly person a full medical evaluation. Otherwise, you are only spinning the barrel of meds and one of them will contain a bullet which by then it is too late.
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Seroquel backfired on my mother, and it was a very very low dose. This is for bipolar and serious personality disorders. Watch for side effects: facial "paralysis," person working jaws and tongue, sticking out tongue, choking for no reason, muscle stiffness (Mom got stiff like a board and slid off a chair like a 2x4)...and Seroquel anger. Oh and increased chance of death due to heart attacks. Bossiness, snappiness, demanding. No thanks. "Evil" is the only word I can assign that drug for what it did to my mother. We got her on Ativan, and that is working pretty well. They even used it in the ER in IV to sedate her for procedures. Anyway, there is probably some drug to help.
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Try talking to his doctor about putting him on Seroquel. My Mother was a strong willed but loving Mom until she was diagnosed with dementia. As the years went her personality was much more volitile. This Summer a visiting nurse saw her outbursts and told the doctor, she then prescribed this prescription. The world got a little easier. I started enjoying time with my Mom. If he goes on this medication it has to be given on a regular basis and Mirilax should be given in the morning to regulate him from constipation. It made the world of difference. Good Luck. Suzy
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