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Two surgeries in the past year? What surgeries?

Your husband evidently does feel differently about your father's presence from how he felt originally, when he was no doubt genuinely supportive. What has changed, and what can be done about it now, is what you need to investigate. It isn't necessarily something that he can help; and if he can't help it, and you continue to ignore it and/or criticise him for it, he certainly will have just cause for complaint.

I should start by making one firm assumption, anyway: that your husband is not intentionally setting out to be selfish or spiteful. For some reason he can't cope with your father's being around, and I hope the reason(s) will turn out to be solvable.
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Reply to Countrymouse

It is hard when you have a Stubborn mule for a Bad Dad and a Parent whom you Love and feel the need to care for. Please, Sit down with hubby and Try to Talk Turkey to him but more than Likely, Sad as it is, Dad will be going into a Facility who can really care for him the Best from the Rest. The more "Dementia" The Rougher and hubby More Tougher...
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Reply to Parise

Great possibilities and suggestions.  Kudos to you and family to be able to make a family compound work!  My only suggestion beyond this is couples counseling.  Sometimes it can help if serious family meeting doesn't, at least it was a positive outcome for me and first husband.  Are you getting time alone to recharge yourself?  Hugs and respect for what you are doing.
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Reply to GrannieAnnie

You stated that DH had two surgeries. When my dad had heart surgery he was never the same again. What change? Maybe it was the anaesthesia or some have said it was the operation on the heart itself. But it did matter what the cause was--my father just wasn't the same anymore. Sigh:(

Just a thought!
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Reply to Shell38314

Time for a serious heart to heart with DH. Set aside some time when you don't have any other obligations or concerns - maybe a date night - and when you're both relaxed and feel like you're on the same wavelength, bring it up in the spirit of inquiry rather than problem solving. The first step is to fully learn what DH is feeling about all this. It could be that all he needs is to feel heard! Or that a slight adjustment to daily patterns would do the trick. But the key here is to delve into what he's feeling. It may be something he feels embarrassed about but still eats at him, like he wants more attention or to feel like the man of the house. Get him to talk, and listen carefully without judging. Convey that he's heard and not judged before you respond. Then you can be honest and tell him you've felt bad and resentful, but you're glad he told you everything, and that you're committed to making this all work. Tell him what you need, ask him what he needs, then get him to work with you on a solution.

Good luck! This is a trying situation, but could be a real growth opportunity. Unfortunately, it does seem up to you to break the impasse, but it might pay some real dividends.
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Reply to Kittybee
DILKimba Apr 16, 2019
Excellent advice!
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I think your husband is resenting all the time you are spending with your dad. Your husband should be first and not reduced to date nights. You need to find someone to do the caregiving for your dad including run him around for errands and take him to bingo. You need to put your husband and marriage first. If he really is to you. I know you love your dad so do the right thing and hire someone to take him to bingo and appointments. Unless you are choosing dad over husband and then who can blame your husband.
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Reply to MaggieMai
TaylorUK Apr 16, 2019
Absolutely - good idea
Your husband agreed that your parents could live on the property in their own house. That is MUCH different than having someone randomly "drop by" all the time. (And by "all the time" I mean more than once a month.)

I'm not saying he's handling it correctly, but I can totally see where he is coming from. He's probably introverted and needs alone time. Having someone else in the house when you need to re-charge is incredibly stressful.

I'm projecting -- your husband may have totally different reasons for being upset.

If you value your marriage, you're going to need to calmly discuss this and figure out what needs to change, then make a plan to get there. Maybe your father needs to call first, and limit the number of visits. Maybe you need to visit your father in his house more often. Maybe you need to hire some help if it's too much for you to manage both households.

Good luck and I hope you're able to find a solution.
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Reply to JenniferLeigh

I'd say slap him silly for being so selfish. And make sure you call the waaaambulance for him as his whining is not okay. ;-)
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Reply to mmcmahon12000
rovana Apr 14, 2019
Not sure I agree - having agreed to dad living on the property in his own household is not the same as agreeing to Dad becoming a member of your own household.  I can understand that husband might object to dad treating your household as his home.  I sure would object to someone just thinking they could drop in whenever. After all, his is your father, but not your husband's father.
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I’m so sorry RedPondRanch
On the surface your husband is indeed behaving like a horse’s patootie.
Have you discussed this with him? That you are feeling trapped between two of the most important people in your life? And here at the end of your dad’s life when he is vulnerable and lonely you feel you are being asked to abandon him! I can certainly understand how you feel.

But let’s do some trouble shooting.
Did DH have anesthesia when he had his health problems? Does he have longevity in his family? Has he been diagnosed with diabetes or heart problemS or hypertension that put him on maintenance meds? Is he managing his own health care? Is he having to use pain meds? Does he need pain meds now and isn’t taking them?
On the surface it sounds like your DH is burned out or perhaps jealous of your dad.
At any rate his feelings have changed and he may be as surprised as you are about them.
So besides his health, what else has changed?
You said you knew dad was lonely since mom died. Maybe you could drill down on that abit. Perhaps you could arrange for dad to have a companion to drive him out to lunch a few times a week or come over and play cards with him.
Did dad have to come over when DH was recuperating and got into a new habit?
Is he on the teenagers radar? Could the grands spend a little time with your dad or your husband? What about SIL? Could he or your daughter show a bit more attention to DH or your dad?
Have the other family members noticed DH new behavior?
Your mom has left a void that your family feels. Things are out of balance since she died. How long ago was that by the way?
You are trying to fill that
void and perhaps your DH misses your focus and energy. I read what you said about the dates. So good that you have those bases covered but spend a moment to reflect on all the changes since your mom passed.
Even though people make commitments, the one thing we can count on is change. We know life events will happen. We don’t always know how we will feel when that happens.

i guess what I’m saying is that your mom has died but your husband hasn’t.
You feel responsible to take up the slack. To keep your family working together it might be time for all of you to have a family meeting and discuss how your mom’s passing has affected the family compound and what you collectively can do to work things out.
Your husband sounds like he needs help right now that won’t be solved by your dad being placed in a home. If you continue to be placed between your loved ones, it will erode your health and won’t help them.
Thats just my two cents. Maybe there is something in this long ramble that will give you another perspective to consider.
Helpful Answer (14)
Reply to 97yroldmom
shad250 Apr 14, 2019
DH could have his eye on someone else and is causing conflict to be able to see that person.
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You need to have a calm, serious talk with hubby.

avoid recriminations, accusations, and anger. Just talk about why his feelings have evolved into open hostility and how that is making you feel.

You both need to be open about your feelings, and understanding of the point of view.

You cannot solve this by just going along like like you are or by pointing fingers.

It it sounds like you have a great family and good situation over all, just need to iron out this.
Helpful Answer (16)
Reply to Katiekate
Kathie333 Apr 16, 2019
Katiekate, great reply!! Communication is always the answer. The sooner the better!
Actually, they were the best of friends. In fact, my husband often said my dad was his best friend. And my husband is certainly NOT an introvert! (That would be me).
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to RedPondRanch
LoopyLoo Apr 14, 2019
Interesting. Why has the relationship changed?
I am guessing your husband and father have never been on great terms. That won’t change. Your father may indeed not notice husband’s attitude. If he did, seems he wouldn’t come around as much.

Your husband may be an introvert. I’m an introvert too, and hate it when people come by my home unannounced! Of course I’ll let them in and I’m happy to see them. Just interrupts my day. I like my mother-in-law, but wouldn’t be happy with her just stopping in. But... I would expect more drop-ins if we had a living situation like you have. So your husband not expecting father to come around often is unrealistic.

When you were caregiving after your husband’s surgeries, those were temporary. Taking care of an aged parent isn’t temporary. That may be why he’s unsympathetic; he truly doesn’t know how draining it can be.
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Reply to LoopyLoo

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