My Mom is angry and nasty most the time. Most of it is directed towards my Dad. Lately I'm on the list because I try to tell her to be kind to Dad. Any suggestions?
Does your Mom have Dementia? Does your Dad? If Mom is primarily being "mean" to Dad and Dad is not suffering from dementia, then it makes good sense for you and Dad to have a Daughter-Dad talk together. Whether Mom has some dementia or not, those who are competent can learn to deflect some of her "stuff". The first thing is Do not react. If you argue, or if you accuse her of being mean, it will worsen. Look up "Grey Rock" on the forum by putting into search. People are apparently have some really good luck with it. You can google it as well. Basically it consists of remaining non reactive, non responsive, bland and mild and saying very very little in response to anything mean. For instance a tirade of accusations is met with a very bland and KIND "Oh, do you think so? I am so sorry you feel that way." Another tirade and it is "I am so sorry I failed you, but know I love you". And the answers get shorter and kinder as you go. It sounds as though it might make you want to tear out your hair, but it kind of gives them nowhere to do when met with kindness. Later you and Dad can leave the room and tear your hair out. So sorry you are going through this. If this is new for Mom or sudden change, be sure doc checks her and perhaps check a urinalysis. If this is just "Mom" then likely Dad is a bit used to it at the least.
Welcome to the Forum. I have no suggestions, but I'm sure others will. My MIL would be nasty every spring when they returned to New England from Florida. After listening to her when we all went out to eat, I pulled her aside and said she'd been pretty negative. The packing and traveling twice a year must be vey stressful. She was receptive (unlike later when aging brain was just angry). Direct approach worked that time, just not later. I knew I could never care for her or live with her.
Oh, one suggestion I've read here is to learn to go 'grey rock.' Type that above where the magnifying glass is to find out what it is.
If Mom is primarily being "mean" to Dad and Dad is not suffering from dementia, then it makes good sense for you and Dad to have a Daughter-Dad talk together. Whether Mom has some dementia or not, those who are competent can learn to deflect some of her "stuff". The first thing is
Do not react. If you argue, or if you accuse her of being mean, it will worsen.
Look up "Grey Rock" on the forum by putting into search. People are apparently have some really good luck with it. You can google it as well. Basically it consists of remaining non reactive, non responsive, bland and mild and saying very very little in response to anything mean. For instance a tirade of accusations is met with a very bland and KIND "Oh, do you think so? I am so sorry you feel that way." Another tirade and it is "I am so sorry I failed you, but know I love you". And the answers get shorter and kinder as you go. It sounds as though it might make you want to tear out your hair, but it kind of gives them nowhere to do when met with kindness.
Later you and Dad can leave the room and tear your hair out.
So sorry you are going through this. If this is new for Mom or sudden change, be sure doc checks her and perhaps check a urinalysis. If this is just "Mom" then likely Dad is a bit used to it at the least.
Oh, one suggestion I've read here is to learn to go 'grey rock.' Type that above where the magnifying glass is to find out what it is.