I completely empathize with everyone and I'm afraid I don't have answers, but wanted to share here. My dad who had been living alone recently ended up in the hospital very near death. He was very weak and unable to care for himself, so, when he was discharged, I had him come stay in a very nice nursing home near me to get better. Well...unfortunately his health has not improved and he is always mad. He's mad that his legs are swollen from edema and DVT, but then he's mad at the nurses for trying to get him to put his legs up. He's mad that he can't go on outings until he's better but he won't do his physical therapy so that he can get there. He's mad at the cook for not serving him the right food. It goes on and on. He's threatened to leave...and go where? I have read some posts that people should just be able to do what they want...but I'm not going to let my dad hurt himself. I just won't. I do all his laundry and pay his bills, but he could care less. He just expects it. He even told me recently "I only care about Me!"
Making matters worse is that I have two of the worst sibblings on the Earth. One is certifiably crazy and started emailing me at work with insane threats and a list of things he wants from my dad's house. The other is just a total unfeeling jerk who won't return my emails or those of my dads In fact, he wouldn't even return my call to say that my brother died in March. He just blew us off.. So...it's just me...out her on my own trying to help a person who doesn't appreciate it who yells at me every time I see him. At the same time, I'm trying to keep a career and raise my beautiful 13 year old daughter who has totally had to take the back seat to all of this.
I just don't know what to do. I am doing the best I can to do the right thing, but it is tearing my family apart and causing emotional damage to my child that I fear cannot be undone. I am not going to be able to keep this up.
Desperate2: aren't you the person who started the thread about having eye surgery after being beaten up by your husband? Did you ever tell your children? Were the authorities called and did you press charges? Maybe there is a "good place" they can keep him, and you can have some peace. Like jail, maybe? If you remain his victim, you are dishonoring your own life. When I answer a question like this, and find a similar one by the same person later, I don't waste my time again. There is plenty of help out there for you. You have to take the next step and quit talking about it. After a while, no one will respond to you. Have some self-respect, dear one.
If he's of sound mind -- and if you can afford it -- tell him you're going to kick his a__ to the curb. Either he cleans up his act or finds someone else to put up with all that BS coming from left field when you least expect it. Some men, however, need to be trained to say "Pretty please" and "Thank you." ... You're not his beast of burden, and he won't get more unless he gets that through his head.
My problem is an "abusive spouse". My world is apparently "all about him now". He requires 24/7 care now for his safety? What about the spouse being abused?
I think if we have an abusive parent, we have known it for years, as the signs are there from early on. If you have done your best for the parent as far as elder care, his/her physical and medical needs are met, then we need to re-program ourselves, as healthy adults, to ignore their ridiculous attempts to continue controlling us and everyone they abuse. One, they are afraid of losing that which they masterfully wielded for a lifetime, and they realize on some level, they are losing, period. I have started to look at it as mine is going to get what is coming to her now: the best DETACHED care I can give her and no arguing with her demented denial. Don't jump every time they command. Do what you need to do for them, but take care of yourself first. Tell him/her: "That's the way it is."
Emjo... my mother also has BPD.. I have been verbally abused and belittled by her for so my years, I can't even count, however, I always jumped at her every need (no matter how much it hurt me or my family). I finally started seeing a counselor about 6 months ago and she is teaching me to set my boundaries, stick to it, etc., but I still need to do certain things for her, such as take her to the doctor,etc. She lives in assited living, but she wants ME.. my children and my husband refuse to see her anymore as she is so mean and hurtful to us all, so now, when I do see her, I do it alone. This is fine because I have put my children through way too much their entire lives. She has ruined EVERY family occasion or holiday that we have ever had. So... today, I am taking her out.. is she happy about it? No, of course not, because "I have turned her grandchildren against her".. so, i will have to listen to her rag about why my children aren't along, instead of trying to have an enjoyable afternoon with her. She tells everyone how mean I am to her, how I never come and see her, etc., but because she also has dementia, she can't even remember that I was there last week and took her out to lunch..I find the entire situation impossible, but feel totally stuck since I am an only child and my father died over 10 years ago. I read the book "Elder Rage" and although it does give some pretty good ideas, my mother does not learn from the boundaries.. she simply calls more and leaves more messages.. One good thing though is that my therapist suggested i get an additional cell phone. Only she has the number to that phone, so I can choose to simply put it in a drawer and not answer, and then when I am mentally prepared I can listen to the 17 messages that she has left me in the last two hours. LOL!! (the number of messages is totally true!) I pray for everyone who has to deal with this type of parent and look for answers and guidance where ever I can. The problem is.. we can't get rid of it entirely, because we still have to manage the money, the doctors appts., balancing the checkbook, buying the groceries, dealing with the mail. Thank the Lord that she does not live with me.
Everyone thinks (or acts like they think) my mother is the grandmother found in all of the generic storybooks. She isn't. I have tried to deal with the issue in the following ways: I call her on her behavior, I have pointed out that she is stuck with me as her caregiver and we need to work toward getting along, I no longer pretend she is easy to deal with when people tell me what a sweetheart she is, and I am going through counseling to help me deal with her. I read books that help me understand her. Leaning on this website helps. Before my father died, he asked me to take care of my mother because she was so tough to deal with at times. He told me that I would stand up to her when necessary. I am a special ed teacher and I work with children who have neurological disorders and behavior issues. My training helps me with Mom. My mother and I are only 5 feet tall,but my family is afraid of her. I have learned to stand up to her because I know I deserve better treatment. I refuse to pretend she is Mother Teresa, but I have learned to love her where she is at and she seems to love me back in her own way. At times I just walk away for awhile. It is very important to do so at times. I can visualize my father grinning at me from a cloud in heaven while pushing me to hang in there with her. Oddly enough, my mother and I are developing a working relationship. I avoid my siblings who treat her with sainthood characteristics and live miles away from her, and I try to remember that love is what counts. I hope some of this helps.Best wishes.
Big Sis. I also am in this same ordeal, and I can't really give too much advice because I could use advice. I can say that it just helps alot to be in this network where you can ask questions, and people give good feed back. I suggest taking things one day at a time. Make SURE you make extra time for you, and even therapy if thats a option can be helpful to talk and get your feelings out. Everyone needs to vent. I wish you luck! kellyb
I just finished reading Carol's "Detaching With Love: Setting Boundaries in Toxic Relationships." Mom has a PhD in Child Abuse, and made sure to install lots of buttons to have an excuse to "work" us when we misbehaved. At the time, moms were considered goddesses who knew best; so she could go on "disciplining" us with cigarette burns, a hot iron to an arm, raw rice we knelt on while watching each other's naked bodies, a whip made up of telephone wires (if you were 12 y/o you'd get 13 lashes [1 extra just in case she forgot to punish your for a real or imaginary transgression like asking for a mango pit]).
She was a peach. Broken down, I "detached" into my mind so the pain wouldn't hurt anymore. During a family reunion in sun-drenched Puerto Rico she rambled to my sons about how tough she was with me and all that "I don't care is he's 7 feet tall, I'll slap the s__t out of him." I smirked, and she got up from the other end of the table to actually do it. I told her I'd hang her bones to dry in the beach if she ever touched me again.
Unable to inflict any physical abuse, her mouth is running on all 4 cylinders -- even in her sleep. That doesn't work either. Easter of 2005 she dressed as Mary Magdalene. People around me talked about what a faithful woman she was. I wanted to stone her. The following year she had to do one up, and carried a crucifix she made from tree limbs in the backyard. I wanted to nail her to a cross that could hold her weight long enough for stray dogs to take the bones away in the middle of the night.
Instead of seeking forgiveness from her children, she's atoning through outside sources. My sisters feel sorry for her, and now claim she's been a source of inspiration in their lives and are grateful for the ongoing psychological abuse. They should all be committed. But I know better. Mom's just "dopefiending." She's as manipulative as ever. During the day a wanna-be Mother Theresa feeding and caring for the neighborhood's little "angels." Thugs in training who don't go to school, work as "spotters" for the drug pushers, and have no respect for their own parents. At night either the Gangsta B__ch, Heroin, Homicide, or Hooker Barbie outfit comes out and anything goes.
In sum, she fears me. She knows that I know who/what she really is and what she's up to. I've "detached;" she keeps her distance from a son who doesn't know how to be grateful for all the sacrifices she's made on behalf of her brood -- including killing our spirit, dreams, and aspirations. Come to think of it, our self-respect, self-esteem, and self-respect were dictated by a woman who's never had any. To gain her acceptance, we had to do whatever this slavedriver wanted. A woman whose terror tactics were designed to ensure her children's subservience. It's no wonder my sisters never did much in life except become of replica of their mother.
Her platinum hair and white daily wear don't fool me. But she's a martyr to everyone else. "Saved" through her daily deeds, she's already paved her way to Heaven.
I'll take care of her tombstone when her time comes: "Heaven Doesn't Want Me, He'll Afraid I'm Going to Take Over." Wherever she goes, there won't be any buttons to push.
Is it a legal fact that loved ones diagnosed with "dementia" cannot be placed in a care facility by anyone other than themselves signing themselves in if they have not been diagnosed as incompetent?
I deal with a BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) mum and find I have to set limits and review and reset them continually. It isn't easy as she continually pushes the boundaries. Detaching with compassion is great if you can get there. I periodically need to distance myself - which in my case means not responding to any contact - taking a break to lower my stress levels. For me recently the pressure has triggered some bad childhood memories (PTSD) for which I am going to counseling. I am hoping to develop more strategies for dealing with mother as she ages and her needs increase. I don't know what your arrangement is with your parent, If he or she lives in your home it is much more difficult than if he or she lives separately. Hope you are finding some answers. It is a very tough problem.
Have you read the book "Elder Rage" yet? The author talks about her own abusive father and how she dealt with caring for him. My Dad has always had a mean streak and reading this book at least gave me some ideas of things to try.
If possible, set some boundaries and stick to them. They will learn that controlling behavior won't work. Just like a child they will push as far as they can. If they get abusive, walk away for a while. Tell them you'll be back when they decide to behave like an adult. Give them some time to think about it before you return (1/2 hr or more). "Is this the same mom/dad that taught me manners?" "Who are you and what have you done with my parent?" "If you're going to lie to me I need to excuse myself" "Did you misplace your compassion?" "Trying to exercise control over the one caring for you?" etc., etc., etc.
Making matters worse is that I have two of the worst sibblings on the Earth. One is certifiably crazy and started emailing me at work with insane threats and a list of things he wants from my dad's house. The other is just a total unfeeling jerk who won't return my emails or those of my dads In fact, he wouldn't even return my call to say that my brother died in March. He just blew us off.. So...it's just me...out her on my own trying to help a person who doesn't appreciate it who yells at me every time I see him. At the same time, I'm trying to keep a career and raise my beautiful 13 year old daughter who has totally had to take the back seat to all of this.
I just don't know what to do. I am doing the best I can to do the right thing, but it is tearing my family apart and causing emotional damage to my child that I fear cannot be undone. I am not going to be able to keep this up.
If you remain his victim, you are dishonoring your own life.
When I answer a question like this, and find a similar one by the same person later, I don't waste my time again. There is plenty of help out there for you. You have to take the next step and quit talking about it. After a while, no one will respond to you. Have some self-respect, dear one.
If he's of sound mind -- and if you can afford it -- tell him you're going to kick his a__ to the curb. Either he cleans up his act or finds someone else to put up with all that BS coming from left field when you least expect it. Some men, however, need to be trained to say "Pretty please" and "Thank you." ... You're not his beast of burden, and he won't get more unless he gets that through his head.
One good thing though is that my therapist suggested i get an additional cell phone. Only she has the number to that phone, so I can choose to simply put it in a drawer and not answer, and then when I am mentally prepared I can listen to the 17 messages that she has left me in the last two hours. LOL!! (the number of messages is totally true!)
I pray for everyone who has to deal with this type of parent and look for answers and guidance where ever I can. The problem is.. we can't get rid of it entirely, because we still have to manage the money, the doctors appts., balancing the checkbook, buying the groceries, dealing with the mail. Thank the Lord that she does not live with me.
I just finished reading Carol's "Detaching With Love: Setting Boundaries in Toxic Relationships." Mom has a PhD in Child Abuse, and made sure to install lots of buttons to have an excuse to "work" us when we misbehaved. At the time, moms were considered goddesses who knew best; so she could go on "disciplining" us with cigarette burns, a hot iron to an arm, raw rice we knelt on while watching each other's naked bodies, a whip made up of telephone wires (if you were 12 y/o you'd get 13 lashes [1 extra just in case she forgot to punish your for a real or imaginary transgression like asking for a mango pit]).
She was a peach. Broken down, I "detached" into my mind so the pain wouldn't hurt anymore. During a family reunion in sun-drenched Puerto Rico she rambled to my sons about how tough she was with me and all that "I don't care is he's 7 feet tall, I'll slap the s__t out of him." I smirked, and she got up from the other end of the table to actually do it. I told her I'd hang her bones to dry in the beach if she ever touched me again.
Unable to inflict any physical abuse, her mouth is running on all 4 cylinders -- even in her sleep. That doesn't work either. Easter of 2005 she dressed as Mary Magdalene. People around me talked about what a faithful woman she was. I wanted to stone her. The following year she had to do one up, and carried a crucifix she made from tree limbs in the backyard. I wanted to nail her to a cross that could hold her weight long enough for stray dogs to take the bones away in the middle of the night.
Instead of seeking forgiveness from her children, she's atoning through outside sources. My sisters feel sorry for her, and now claim she's been a source of inspiration in their lives and are grateful for the ongoing psychological abuse. They should all be committed. But I know better. Mom's just "dopefiending." She's as manipulative as ever. During the day a wanna-be Mother Theresa feeding and caring for the neighborhood's little "angels." Thugs in training who don't go to school, work as "spotters" for the drug pushers, and have no respect for their own parents. At night either the Gangsta B__ch, Heroin, Homicide, or Hooker Barbie outfit comes out and anything goes.
In sum, she fears me. She knows that I know who/what she really is and what she's up to. I've "detached;" she keeps her distance from a son who doesn't know how to be grateful for all the sacrifices she's made on behalf of her brood -- including killing our spirit, dreams, and aspirations. Come to think of it, our self-respect, self-esteem, and self-respect were dictated by a woman who's never had any. To gain her acceptance, we had to do whatever this slavedriver wanted. A woman whose terror tactics were designed to ensure her children's subservience. It's no wonder my sisters never did much in life except become of replica of their mother.
Her platinum hair and white daily wear don't fool me. But she's a martyr to everyone else. "Saved" through her daily deeds, she's already paved her way to Heaven.
I'll take care of her tombstone when her time comes: "Heaven Doesn't Want Me, He'll Afraid I'm Going to Take Over." Wherever she goes, there won't be any buttons to push.
Just like a child they will push as far as they can.
If they get abusive, walk away for a while. Tell them you'll be back when they decide to behave like an adult. Give them some time to think about it before you return (1/2 hr or more).
"Is this the same mom/dad that taught me manners?"
"Who are you and what have you done with my parent?"
"If you're going to lie to me I need to excuse myself"
"Did you misplace your compassion?"
"Trying to exercise control over the one caring for you?"
etc., etc., etc.
Carol
https://www.agingcare.com/127206 Caring for parent who didn't care for you
https://www.agingcare.com/137122 Elders abusing their adult children.