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Carol
https://www.agingcare.com/127206 Caring for parent who didn't care for you
https://www.agingcare.com/137122 Elders abusing their adult children.
It's a long row to hoe.. but with fortitude, we can make this!!
I just finished reading Carol's "Detaching With Love: Setting Boundaries in Toxic Relationships." Mom has a PhD in Child Abuse, and made sure to install lots of buttons to have an excuse to "work" us when we misbehaved. At the time, moms were considered goddesses who knew best; so she could go on "disciplining" us with cigarette burns, a hot iron to an arm, raw rice we knelt on while watching each other's naked bodies, a whip made up of telephone wires (if you were 12 y/o you'd get 13 lashes [1 extra just in case she forgot to punish your for a real or imaginary transgression like asking for a mango pit]).
She was a peach. Broken down, I "detached" into my mind so the pain wouldn't hurt anymore. During a family reunion in sun-drenched Puerto Rico she rambled to my sons about how tough she was with me and all that "I don't care is he's 7 feet tall, I'll slap the s__t out of him." I smirked, and she got up from the other end of the table to actually do it. I told her I'd hang her bones to dry in the beach if she ever touched me again.
Unable to inflict any physical abuse, her mouth is running on all 4 cylinders -- even in her sleep. That doesn't work either. Easter of 2005 she dressed as Mary Magdalene. People around me talked about what a faithful woman she was. I wanted to stone her. The following year she had to do one up, and carried a crucifix she made from tree limbs in the backyard. I wanted to nail her to a cross that could hold her weight long enough for stray dogs to take the bones away in the middle of the night.
Instead of seeking forgiveness from her children, she's atoning through outside sources. My sisters feel sorry for her, and now claim she's been a source of inspiration in their lives and are grateful for the ongoing psychological abuse. They should all be committed. But I know better. Mom's just "dopefiending." She's as manipulative as ever. During the day a wanna-be Mother Theresa feeding and caring for the neighborhood's little "angels." Thugs in training who don't go to school, work as "spotters" for the drug pushers, and have no respect for their own parents. At night either the Gangsta B__ch, Heroin, Homicide, or Hooker Barbie outfit comes out and anything goes.
In sum, she fears me. She knows that I know who/what she really is and what she's up to. I've "detached;" she keeps her distance from a son who doesn't know how to be grateful for all the sacrifices she's made on behalf of her brood -- including killing our spirit, dreams, and aspirations. Come to think of it, our self-respect, self-esteem, and self-respect were dictated by a woman who's never had any. To gain her acceptance, we had to do whatever this slavedriver wanted. A woman whose terror tactics were designed to ensure her children's subservience. It's no wonder my sisters never did much in life except become of replica of their mother.
Her platinum hair and white daily wear don't fool me. But she's a martyr to everyone else. "Saved" through her daily deeds, she's already paved her way to Heaven.
I'll take care of her tombstone when her time comes: "Heaven Doesn't Want Me, He'll Afraid I'm Going to Take Over." Wherever she goes, there won't be any buttons to push.
One good thing though is that my therapist suggested i get an additional cell phone. Only she has the number to that phone, so I can choose to simply put it in a drawer and not answer, and then when I am mentally prepared I can listen to the 17 messages that she has left me in the last two hours. LOL!! (the number of messages is totally true!)
I pray for everyone who has to deal with this type of parent and look for answers and guidance where ever I can. The problem is.. we can't get rid of it entirely, because we still have to manage the money, the doctors appts., balancing the checkbook, buying the groceries, dealing with the mail. Thank the Lord that she does not live with me.
If he's of sound mind -- and if you can afford it -- tell him you're going to kick his a__ to the curb. Either he cleans up his act or finds someone else to put up with all that BS coming from left field when you least expect it. Some men, however, need to be trained to say "Pretty please" and "Thank you." ... You're not his beast of burden, and he won't get more unless he gets that through his head.
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