How do I deal with my dad that is verbally abusive and now that he is aging I can’t stay away?

This is called being bullied. Elderly are like children. I have a book I like to look over from time to time. (How To Handle Bullies, Teasers and other Meanies) by Kate Cohen-Posey. Simple, easy and good to review.

I live with my father who is quick to speak, judge, interrogate, intimidate, insult, swear every word in the curse book, hyper critical of me. HE does nothing but mock or try to irritate me every chance. He has always been this way since I was young. HE has waxed worse with age. He views himself high above everyone, and I do mean everyone. Especially me though for the record. He twice tried to strangle me, I helped him with his illness no he does not suffer mental problems, he is just plain mean. What do I do? I am stuck for a place to live sadly this is it. Others professional and otherwise agree with me on his behavior. It is beyond plain cruel and selfish behavior. He thinks he is all that counts.

Someone elsewhere suggested calling the county and asking them to evaluate the senior. That may be a two-edged sword legally depending on if he is currently living in a mess of his own making. Be careful.

Try the Agency on aging in your area. They can give you info and help if you are out of your element. Medicare.gov also has some good info.
You can google anything that comes to mind and get knowledge.
The better you educate yourself the easier it will be.

Most of the problems with elderly parents (and their abuse) is really either a medical condition or a mental condition that is left unchecked. My family didn't believe the our (formerly) sweet loving mother could "be so MEAN and abusive". Well what they didn't realize is that she was suffering from Alzheimers' all along. I tried for YEARS to convince them that her 'condition' was not due to a mean streak, but due to her Alzheimer's!!!

Get a doctor involved. If your father doesn't want to "go to the doctors" have the doctor come to him! Yes... there are still doctors that will make home visits! Sometimes all you have to do is ask. AND, you don't have to warn your father about the visit. Just make sure Dad is there for the visit!

If your father was a veteran, get the VA involved in getting him the proper medical help that it seems he needs!

Abusive or not, we would be 'no better' if we did nothing to help them. After all, 'we' are all they have when it comes to understanding! I say this out of love and respect for all humans, not to upset anyone. But please try to help or get a group involved that is used to dealing with aging parents.

This is going to be a huge test for you.
If he doesn't respect you now, chances are he never will.
If he does come to respect you, it may be waaaaay down the road.
Senoir living facilities are full of folks that won't show love or respect to their families. They may be lonely but it's of their own doing.
Guard yourself.

We have problems walking away from verbally abusive parents not so much because we have a heart, but more often because we have not become our own separate person who no longer falls back into being an emotional child when they push those buttons. A friend of mine has had to do this with her mother who raised her as a single parent because her mother's untreated mental illness was destructive of her, her marriage and her children. I've had to do a similar thing to protect myself, my children from my wife until she started to see the need for her own boundaries concerning her 'mommy dearest' BPB mom.

My parents are somewhat verbally abusive at times and SO I have had to just back away at times... I have told them several times that I will not tolerate them critisizing my husband!!! My Father is very ill now, and amazingly he often asks for my husband!

I know just how you feel going through same with my father who as a child led my mum a life of hell. BUT what do we as their children now they elderly and frail. He still treats me like a child (in my 50s) barks his orders, i do bark back..Just moved him to be closer to me after his stroke.Its been so close to me walking never to return ONE PROBLEM WE AS THEIR CHILDREN HAVE A HEART. I am x senior health carer for the elderly and was trained to walk away from abusive situations but different when its your own, we do also have a personality clash because i remember the life he led my mother who i adored (now passed) god bless her!!! I know i cant answer your question but just to say hey!! you are not alone GOOD LUCK!!

I know just how you feel going through same with my father who as a child led my mum a life of hell. BUT what do we as their children now they elderly and frail. He still treats me like a child (in my 50s) barks his orders, i do bark back..Just moved him to be closer to me after his stroke.Its been so close to me walking never to return ONE PROBLEM WE AS THEIR CHILDREN HAVE A HEART. I am x senior health carer for the elderly and was trained to walk away from abusive situations but different when its your own, we do also have a personality clash because i remember the life he led my mother who i adored (now passed) god bless her!!! I know i cant answer your question but just to say hey!! you are not alone GOOD LUCK!!

Is there anyone who is helping you?
Bottom line is that we caregivers also must learn to care for ourselves.
Protecting yourself as suggested above is important. Writing to us to know you are not alone helps a little, but how you feel is determined by how you set your mind. Good luck!@

I really sympathize with your situation. In my home growing up, both of my parents had long-term mental illness (untreated). Now that dementia and TIAs are at play, we children (all in our 40s/50s) are experiencing verbal abuse even worse than what we lived through as kids. While I don't want to "run from the Cross", I long ago learned that listening to, and believing, the abusive comments are an energy drain that detract from my own life - so serious limits must be set on the abuser. You really must develop an ability to walk calmly away, and it's something you have to learn to do - it won't happen overnight, and you will feel rotten while it is happening at first. Later it will be a relief. Even if your dad never gets the message because of his illness, you will at least remove yourself from the situation before it does you more damage.

Set boundaries and limits. If the verbal abuse starts up; give one warning (calmly) and then leave.

Come back later when things are more calm.

wf