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I am 45 years old and with the exception of college have always been at home helping to take care of my Mother. She has been disabled since I was 4 years old when she had two large brain tumors within one year of each other. I don’t have much of a life, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I enjoy spending time with my Mother. My Father died suddenly in 2008. He would pick up prescriptions and take her to the doctor, etc. – she has not driven since 1976. I now do all of that including, pay the household bills, grocery shopping, etc. I work 7am – 5pm Monday through Thursday. She is now 82 and is blind, deaf, and partially paralyzed on her left side. She has poor vision and hearing on the right side. She has had several mini strokes. She is mainly in a wheelchair but can walk a few feet WITH assistance. She falls A LOT, and has broken numerous bones. She needs help bathing and dressing. We prepare her meals – soft foods only, and she cannot be left alone to eat because she chokes easily. Her medications are given to her throughout the day. She requires around the clock supervision because she cannot (and will not) accept her limitations. She has early signs of dementia so some days she is confused and forgetful while other days she is sharp as a tack. She will spend hours on the toilet if you let her, a lot of time just sitting in there playing with the bathmat.
I have an older sister that moved in with us in 2009 to help out (she previously had not been at home since 1976). She works out of town for months at a time. We have a sitter with Mother when my sister is gone and I am at work – my sister pays for this and as you know, it isn’t cheap. She has been home for 5 months now, the longest period of time since she moved back home. My sister is verbally abrasive! I also believe she is about to “snap” mentally. I am so used to all my Mother’s needs and wants that I can do things without her asking for something. My sister’s answer to everything is “Well I don’t know!” She is always barking for my Mother to straighten up, throw your shoulders back, lock your knees, wipe your mouth, change your clothes, etc. It makes my Mother very self-conscious and embarrassed. She has now taken to screaming at me!
When I get home at 5:30pm she will announce that she is off duty, and she rarely helps out the three days that I am off a week. She does not have a car, so I run errands for all three of us. I get up throughout the night with Mother or stay up all night with her when she won’t go to sleep. She pays all of the utility bills, which I am grateful for, but she is constantly throwing money back in our faces. Mother pays the mortgage and numerous other bills. I pay the phone bill (house and cell), cable, internet, my car note, insurance, and gas, the grocery bill, and for Mothers out of pocket prescriptions. She keeps telling family members that she is doing all the work and that I don’t do anything. So my cousins are constantly threatening to take Mother away from me and her home – which she DOES NOT want. I don’t know what to do…how to approach her to talk. My sister can change from fairly nice to mean as a hornet in a second. Confronting her is NOT the answer, but I need to do something. Any suggestions??

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My sibling has been the #1 hardest part in my caring for my parents. Someone here posted a comment that rang true: so much of this horrible crap that interferes with taking care of a mentally/physically incapacitated parents stems from issues in the past that the sibling carries with them. It is very hard to get over this. I tell myself every day to be calm; accepting of my sister's limitations and of mine as well.

There is no magic advice & I wish there was. Sometimes just knowing that you are carrying past grudges/slights into your present anger can help you modify your behavior. It has helped me communicate better with my sister, of whom I was so angry and bitter.
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I can handle taking care of everything...I'm tired but ok. My sister is suffering with major depression because Mother is not who she was 40 years ago. But it comes out as uncontrolled anger. We had cameras but my sister went in a rage and ripped them out of the wall.
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Oh dear you poor thing you are being walked all over like a mat yep get a tape recorder small of course 2 different kinds I have one that looks like a pen comes with video cam. In the mean time use your phone recorder just make sure your sister doesn't notice. lol Once you have some evidence show it to the Doctor first and cousins along with a lawyer. Also get sometime off for a few days and just set the camera somewhere you know no one will notice.
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Are the cousins intervening over care, or because there is serious conflict between two sisters? Set up a Nanny Cam and video yourselves. Then view it yourself and you may see things from another angle.
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Sister sounds like she is depressed and stressed out. Maybe her fantasy is that if you could only make Mom do everything "right" she would not be deteriorating. Cousins need an invite from you to come over and see what you do, and see what Sis does. Maybe a little cell phone video would help. Then maybe you and cousins oculd lovingly get Sis to accept a little counseling at least.
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Invite the cousins to come and spend one whole weekend per month to help give you respite(off) from caregiving. You take the floor, they get the bed. :::: just as you itemized everything, do the same. Make a chart of all of you, mom, and sis duties, time and day. Note each of your expenses (who pays for what and the$$) . Note that it is your car and the hours spent doing Everyone's stuff, everything_ cost of gas, repairs, etc...

Maybe 2or3 excel charts. Then the next time family tries to butt in without helping, present the charts. Keep ALL receipts. Sorry..typing on kindle too slow and I need to get ready for work...but you get the idea.
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when someone is nice to you return it by being nice. if they get ugly with you , get 25 % uglier. at some point they'll figure out that discord works two ways. your an easy target for bullying IF you permit it..
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