only has a Will which I am the Executrix on her WILL.
I’m an only child,,,,with a difficult/ narcissist Mother..she turns 81yrs I’m in my 50s
my Dad passed in 2019,,,that was the beginning of the end of our relationship. Now since then I have approached her on several occasions regarding these extra things,,, 1) after aprox 9months after his passing,,
i suggested for her to get like a Fall alert=shut me down
One of those portals so you can see and talk with your love ones= NOPE,,I was attempting to CONTROL HER.
* secretly thought of like a camera in her house* y’a know after her golden doodle dog knocked her down and at least I could see she had fallen..
many many discussions on the “What If’s “
My question is is there any thing I can do,,she’s ICEQUEEN me out,,I live 3states away,so no do drop in to check on her.
lets end this like this,,, She has NO ONE. and what PISSES ME TO MY CORE,,I KNOW NOTHING,,WHOS HER DR.🤷♀️ If something happens,,what happens to her oh so beloved dog🤷♀️ The EMTs have to bust down her door to get to her= Gasp that a stranger might find a hide a key. Don’t know her attorney,don’t know who she has stocks & bonds..
And to top it off when I suggested to put me on her checking acct as a Co-signer= LAUGHED IN MY FACE….
OPTIONS : Give her a smirk,light that match and burn that bridge to the effin ground. At this point I’m seriously just leave her to the Great state of MS. USA which we have discussed that as well,,,with me telling her,,if the state takes her over your just going to end up in random bed,,NO MATTER WHERE IN HERE STATE=And the state will be under no obligation to even TELL ME SHES BEEN PLACE = DIDNT FAZE HER…
Yall any suggestions on this HOT MESS NARC MOM,,,,,OH AND IM NOT PAYING ONE PENNY FOR AN ELDER CARE ATTORNEY, ( video chatted ,,Narc said she didn’t need to change Nuttin and thinking that her( cough cough Her iron clad will IS my POA,DPOA….
Also absolutely NOT going to go for guardianship,,that’s paper trail nightmare I am not up to task for either….
( side note,elder care attorney asked me,,well who does she have listed as a backup for her BASIC last will,,etc etc . Me: Hmmmmm well looks like only Me
Attorney: Well that was stupid,if you & your say Hubby God forbid got into a fatal crash and you where killed,Who would alllllllll this iron clad DPOA,HEALTH AVOCATE,POA,CHECKING INFO,,STOCKS & BONDS GO TO….
”””””YEA MA ,,,IRON CLAD YOU SAY YOU SAY”””””
She had pretty much ghosted me for any and all info for her and help for her…
im so so sorry this was long it was one big word vomit,,,thank you for reading if you made it to the end…Open to any suggestions
"Hi Mom, I had a great week. Saw a rose bush that reminded me of the one you had in your yard. I hope you are well. Hi for Fido and a big hug to you both. Love, Deana."
This is what my partner was down to with his Mom, and one Sunday a.m. call. When she died he was very happy and relieved and his Sunday was free.
Nothing will change; you are causing yourself great harm with your anger and distress, and no one will thank you for it.
I am so sorry, but you are states away. Nature will take its course here. You will soon enough get a call as I did about my bro with a Hospital saying "This is Dignity West; you are aware your brother is with us??" My bro was always in contact and good as he could be, but that didn't prevent his accident,and the beginning of the end. For him I did/would do anything. For your Mom? Not so much, but that's me.
Whether you torment yourself or not this is where this is going; why die a thousand deaths until then. Tell your Mom you realize you are annoying her and she should call you when she needs something.
Best to you. Good luck. We have had another OP here who tried so hard. Her Mom still stoked out and went down at home. Save yourself. typical of the Narc your Mom doesn't believe she will ever die. Proof that our beliefs matter not a whit in anything.
I can tell you the paperwork involved with being a DPOA will be so overwhelming. And once your Narc Mom realizes she can get you to do all this stuff for her, it will never end..! My Mom called me all the time after I put her in the ALF, screaming "get me outta here"! meaning that she believed it was my fault she was in there and that I needed to do something about it.. I am on the tail end of it now trying to get out of the DPOA, with a Mom about to go on Medicaid. I now wished I'd never signed up. Being responsible for another human's health and welfare is a never ending thankless task if you have a Narc parent..
If she has no diagnosis of dementia, then you have nothing to say about anything at all, so why not just back away and live your own life in peace, happiness and comfort?
What if you were never born? Would she not be alone then, and on her own doing her own thing?
I myself would resign my POA, contact APS for wellness check when I was of a mind to, and if they asked if I wanted to be her guardian or POA I would say "Nope. I don't". The state would then appoint a guardian and I would wish the state the best of luck. Remember, not everything has a perfect answer that leads down the path to happiness; not everything can be fixed.
I hope you take care; I wish you well.
Otherwise, you just walk away. She is considered a competent adult and as such can make her own decisions. If she winds up in State care, oh well. For now call if you feel like it just to see how she is. Send cards and flowers. Do you know her neighbors, maybe give your contact info to one of them. I would not bring up the subject of you having any of her info again. She may offer it eventually.
I was lucky. My Mom assigned me POA. I was on her bank acct. Involved in her health. And she was so good with her money. My SIL, not so lucky. Her Mom was really bad with money and got in debt after her husband died. I don't think she was formally diagnosed with Dementia but she could not be reasoned with. She couldn't see how being in debt effected her future. And my SIL told her she was not living with her and SIL was not paying her Moms bills. The woman received 50k when her DH died and it was gone in a year.
Wondering why that bothers you so much? What's important to you?
Have you asked what is important to her?
You are a kind person to want to help your mom gets things set up. You've pointed the way.
She's not having, wants to do things her ( i.e., stupid) way.
Her life, her choice.
When (not if) she falls or falls ill, if the hospital tracks you down, you let them know she gave you no authority and wished for the state to take over her affairs.
You don't say if this has always been her personality or if this is possibly the paranoia that sometimes comes with dementia, in which case I might suggest watching some Teepa Snow videos about how to cope.
In your shoes, I'd call or send a note once a month and leave her to bring up her EOL issues if she pleases.
And send her the book "5 at 55" as a gift.