How do you deal with the silent treatment?

Consider yourself blessed. My mother in law moved in with us,and I wish someone would teach her to be silent.

Marialake, I think the most important thing for us who give care is to retain our inner stability. You cannot allow yourself to let your emotional state become unstable because the person you care for is unstable. It is important to take a mental step back, realize that the person you are taking care of is losing the capability of rational thinking due to shrinkage of brain tissue. Consciously be a loving caregiver of your patient, regardless of your patient's mental state. Do not take the silent treatment as a personal insult. Do not expect your MIL to regain her senses but understand that you are dealing with a progressive, incurable disease. Preserve your inner stability by taking this opportunity to find uplifting and rewarding activities while you must physically separate yourself from her for a little while. You are not at fault. You are a wonderful, caring person, the only stable pole for your MIL to cling to. Find a respite care giver to give you the occasional break.

Any person capable of angering you becomes your master;she can anger/bother you only when you permit yourself to be disturbed by her.

Oh and let's not forget physical abuse. I have scars where she knocked me about as a child and put me in hospital. It never got any better after that I learned to fear her (and most people) at a very young age.

Ignore her, give her the "silent treatment". I'm not sure if she's doing it to be manipulative or just plan mean but without an audience she'll soon give up. The silent treatment was my mother's favourite weapon with my poor father.

He was a wonderful man but, much as he jumped through hoops to make her happy, if she didn't get her own way she'd pout, slap his meals on the table and storm away, generally hateful and pissy until he gave in. That could go on for days or weeks. She was mean and nasty life long and I could write a book. Many years ago she got a puppy weiner dog and insisted it sleep in their bed. My father said no dogs in the bed so she moved herself and the pup into the spare room. For the last 12 years of my father's life he slept alone and went everywhere by himself.

He died of heart failure, a lonely and broken man, and, although there was a history in his family, I feel that after dealing with the witch for over 50 years his poor heart just gave up. She's in a NH now, unable to do anything for herself, but still trying to create havoc. I visit every so often and ensure her bills are paid and she has all she needs but as the stress of the years was making me ill I changed my phone number. I will continue to do my duty under POA but she's dead to me.

She's almost 88 and will likely go on for years yet - the evil ones always seem to - but apart from doing my duty as POA, after a lifetime of manipulation, verbal and emotional abuse, she's dead to me.

Try just smiling and give her a hug and kiss and tell her what you came to say. if she chooses not to emerge for a meal so be it she is the one that is hungry not you. Fill the silence with something that pleases you. If she refuses pills be very stern. "You can give me the silent treatment but you are not ignoring Dr's orders. Here take this"
Blessings

With a giant sigh of delight!!

also to Darbaby - if you get a chance, go to an AlAnon meeting. I found that focus very helpful to me, for I grew up with drinking parents, and learned to be the problem solver who always tried to keep things running smoothly - my other siblings learned to do the same thing, all in different ways, sometimes in conflict with each other. When I helped my disabled brother, I learned to tell him, "if you ask me, I will help if I can, but I cannot promise to succeed, and I won't work to save you from yourself." Growing up with alcoholism, we learn that we can be pulled down in many subtle ways, and that both fighting it and giving in to it, are still making THAT person's priorities our first ones - neglecting ourselves. Maybe also you can make yourself a list of what you are willing to do to help your father, without resentment - how many on calls per week? buy his groceries? Keep your list and gradually inform him and others and work to stick to that - truth is, when we try to focus on ourselves, we don't even know what to do first, so sometimes it's simpler and seems more pleasant and creative to solve some problem we see in others - but it's important to learn to carve time away. I find reading the AlAnon daily readers helps me a lot.

@Darbaby, it is an awful to feel stuck, powerless. I guess one of our biggest obstacles to overcome is guilt, blame, of ourselves and others. Your number one priority is yourself, you can't give what you don't have. Do what you can for dad, maybe an elderly social worker can give you a hand with direction you can take. You need some support you cant possibly do it by yourself.

I wish I could, I have my own health issues, I have COPD, & radiation colitus, and ostio artritus and I can barley do for myself, yet my Dad thinks I should be carrying groceries and bottles of booze and driving to his house at least 4 times a week, when Im now disabled and barley making ends meet myself, he is still driving and insists he can do for himself so Im letting him do it. All thou I know the house is not being cleaned, (he wont let me bring anyone in to clean it) I am still paying all his bills thank god I have POA along with my sister, who dosnt live near the town where my Dad & I live. Its been 99% up to me to look after him even thou I have 3 other siblings and Im frustrated that they dont care enough to even call him. Knowing that We are not talking right now. But I need to take this time to look after my own issues. I feel awful about letting him sink or swim but he insists he dosnt need me so I am giving him the room to figure it out. God forgive me for feeling guilty....I just have no idea what to do, feeling stuck. :(

I can honestly say that I have not a clue if she knows anything, but I doubt it.
I know that my husband has not a clue. I speak as a care giver as well as a health care provider being an R.N., in home health with several degrees as well as over 40 years of experience in the field. Not tooting my horn-just have a few tricks up my sleeve.
Please keep talking on this site & please realize that you must be the bigger one here & know that it is not you or your stuff- It is a devastating disease. It steals one's mine, thought process. Look for the LIGHT with in her. Say, you can't B.S. animals or children so surround your self with them as you can.
I wear a bracelet I made out of turquoise & amethyst, on my wrist that I pray on when my husband who has had Solvent Dementia for 15 years now, at least, is going off on m e. I smile & go to my bracelet & fill my head & heart with what I say on the bracelet. Why not fill your thoughts with GOD? Seems to work for me.
I have berried my 2 daughters in the past 5 years with the Grace of God. I walk what I talk. I am here for a greater purpose, as are you....We have been given such gifts, we just forget but that is fine, for we always remember....Your not alone. Blessings ARE....

Hi 126cher....it really sucks dosent it?? Im not a young woman im turning 59 in a few days with a few if my own health issues.....i cant keep lugging groceries into my dads house etc either and then to be yelled at after i go out of my way for him....with my mom gone and me being the only child that lives near by my fear is i will go there one day and find him passed to....but i just cant take the abuse....im having a very hard to with the loss of my mom we talked every day...she was my everything....i miss her so much....i wish i could help you as well when i figure out the answer ill let u kown for sure :) ♡♥♡

Hi Darbaby, I wish I could help you but I can not even help myself. It sound like you are writing about my Dad. Both parents are 89. Dad has always been abusive to Mom and now doing it to me. Both parents are alive and have dementia. Had to set up electronic transfer for Mom's medi-gap insurance because Dad almost lost it for late payment. Long story short he has not speoken to me since Aug. 2013. Long story but heart broken. Keep in touch.

Wow, this came up at a very good time for me, too. I spent some much needed time with a friend last night. I was home if mom needed anything, but was in another room. Although not ignored, mom was feeling neglected and I got the silent treatment. Before the dementia set in, she was capable of reacting to me in this way only occasionally, and usually only if she was really upset with me. Now I realize that it really IS a way for her to maintain some sort of control. I am with her ALL of the time and she is never neglected, so I really have nothing to feel sorry about, yet I don't want her to be unhappy. Some of the responses reminded me that it isn't my job to make her happy. She gets to choose whether to be happy or miserable. And I will keep doing my best for her. But I cannot give up some time spent with a friend. Thank you for allowing me to share that.

I am going thru those same issues with my dad right now...we lost mom in feb 2013, she was also my best friend. My dad is 89 and we have suspected hes has been going thru the start of dementia for a few years as well as pstd....hes has been very nasty to most of his family and was verbably abusive to my mom for quite some time before she passed....now hes doing it to me....i cant and dont take it as im not strong enough at this point...i have to walk away and go home...my dad wants to be independent...yet he has no idea how to pay his bills, my mom did all that so i took it over and have 99% of them set up to be paid automatically from his bank...a few i cant cause they change every month like his credit card...i have not spoken to him in a month cause he was so nasty to me the last time i told him i had to go and if he needed me to call me. Hes so obstanate he wont and i know his bills ate due. Im beside myself with worry but i just cant take the abuse. Im still trying to work thru my grief since ive spent the last year helping him to get thru his. Makes me sad that his final few years we are not going to be spending the time making a few good memories. :( i guess we have to realize until they are no longer fighting to stay completley independant we have to let them be. :(

She's doing it to get a reaction out of you and you are falling into it. Call her to meals. Give her her meds with a smile. Then happily go on with your day and ignore her. When she sees you aren't affected by her attempt to hurt and control you and she's the one missing out on having a good day she will stop. My MIL used to do that. I didn't play her game. Whatever you do don't ask her why she's not talking to you. Just enjoy it!

Thank you again all you fellow caretakers. Your comments have confirmed my long-time belief that Mom knows what she is doing when in the very unpleasant mood.
I just love when she is sweet and senile. I enjoy those short moments.
I thought I had lost my love for her. I wrote to my siblings exactly that. Then I just could not get her off my mind. I prayed and then went in to her and held her and kissed her. I kissed her again good night before going to bed, and this morning again. She is so sweet again. I know hugging and kissing her makes her mellow. Yet when she gets into the very unpleasant mood, it hurts, and I turn off my feelings and keep myself busy. This happens for days to weeks why I believe I am totally depleted of love for Mom. And I really do not wish to reach that stage. It will be too painful when the cared-for person is no more and we might be plagued with guilt. I hope the unpleasant mood will not be the last any of us had to deal with before the last conscious moments of the cared-for person. God give us strength and love to cope.Do not give up or give in. We know what is best, and it just has to be done: care taking.

I grew up with the silent treatment as a child. The withdrawal of love and acceptance can be extremely painful, as well as detrimental to a child's development. You, of course, are not a child, but your MIL's "disapproval" is still hurtful, especially when your are sacrificing so much to care for her and just want to feel appreciated.

I was also caregiver for my MIL. She was a quiet woman, but did not give me the "silent treatment" per se. I did sense resentment because she perceived me as a threat to her independence. My husband would tell her that she should thank me for all that I did for her. However, I didn't feel a need to be "thanked;" it just would have felt good to feel appreciated rather than resented (especially since I really worked hard at respecting her autonomy).

As far as advise, remember this is MIL's problem--don't allow it to be yours. You might try calmly saying something like, "I'm sorry you are feeling so ______ today." That way you are acknowledging her feelings without taking the least bit of responsibility for them. Then go on your merry way and don't allow her to manipulate you further. Like some of the others said--enjoy the peace.

I would consider a little silence a blessing ;)

Hi! When I read your post about the silent treatment I had to reply to your statement when you said " Before she had the dementia she would never have behaved like that towards me,". Well my mom passed away almost a year now from dementia and she always gave me the silent treatment before the dementia set in. If I did anything she didn't approve of or if I didn't do what she told me to do I would get the silent treatment. She would not talk to me on the phone when I called. Once I went to her house and knocked on the door and she would not open the door. When I lived at home she would just ignore me until a certain amount of time would pass for her as she would say "to cool off" and then she would decide when to speak to me again. I became very sensitive to this and cried a lot thinking I wasn't a good person since my own mother would not speak to me. When she didn't speak to me I would get a gnawing ache inside of me because I wanted to talk things out but she was stubborn and would just ignore me. I understand this better now but it was a very mean way of controlling me. I just hated it.

It may be part of her condition. I would speak to her when you need to but not look for conversations. If she is playing a game, don't feed into it, better for her to think it matters not to you. If she can speak, she will eventually if this tactic doesn't get a rise out of you.

Hang in there and read.

When we were growing up my Mother would always give us the "silent treatment" when she disapproved of our behavior. It could last for up to 2 weeks - not normal behavior when raising children - but I digress. Now that she is 91 and I am her caregiver she still tries that control behavior with me. It did work for about a year. I would fall all over myself trying to figure out what I did wrong or how to make her happy. Well that was exhausting and got me very depressed. Went to therapy and found better ways to deal with her old manipulative ways. Silent treatment - dont' care - so there! I don't even notice it anymore.

Haven't you heard the expression, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it!"? This was popular with the 80s generation and in some respects it is a good thing. Silence is the sincerest form of insult too, however, with dementia she will not live forever and she will be silent forever. Food for thought...

I get the same treatment from my MIL a lot of the times. Whenever I tell her to change her pull-up or tell her anything, she looks at me with such hate. At first I thought maybe it was my imagination but people have also noticed it. Whenever anyone comes over to bathe her, her nurse or Social Worker (Amber Care), she goes into gossip mode and tell everyone how she hates me and feels like slapping me. This people already know that she is well taken care of but always needs something to complain about. We told her if she's not comfortable here we would put her in a home. It takes lots and lots of patience, she has moderate dementia. Good luck with your MIL, and what works for me when mine acts like that, I just ignore her as well, eventually she comes around.

Oh yeah. The silent treatment. Before I tell you my story of that very same experience that I had with my 93-year old father just yesterday, let me preface it by saying this: The more we attach significance to the actions of others, the more miserable we will be. I preach to this to myself every day. I have not arrived on walking this out but I do know it to be true.

Now to my experience with the silent treatment....

My 93-year old father has mild-to-moderate dementia. My sister is getting married in three weeks and my father needed a really nice suit to wear to the wedding. Since everything he had in his wardrobe is from the 80's (or earlier) and/or doesn't fit him properly, and/or is butt ugly, my other sister and decided to rent a suit for him to wear.

For some unknown reason, he was dead against it. He kept insisting he could wear his tacky '80s blazer with the sleeves coming down to the middle of his hand and the hem falling practically down to his knees. And no matching pants.

I tried all the tactics to get him to acquiesce...including the one you think would have worked: "Do it for your daughter. It's her wedding and she wants you to be dressed in the appropriate attire. It's important to HER. "

Even that didn't work. He didn't care about her...only himself. "It's not about you" I kept telling him all the way to the formal wear rental place when he kept arguing with me. Soon after, he stopped talking to me. And kept on with the silent treatment in the rental place, refusing to give his opinion on the suit I was considering. So I stopped caring and rented the suit anyway. Basically I stayed cheerful, and kept ignoring him—finally taking my own advice to people to stop attaching significance to other people's behavior.

Eventually he snapped out of it. Look, I get it. He fears lack of control, he hates all these women (sisters) telling him what to do all the time. (I am going to post more about that later). But hey, it is what it is. It sucks, but he just has to accept it since the alternative for him would not be pleasant (a nursing home). It's certainly no picnic for us but of course he doesn't think or care much about that.

I do my best to pick my battles ...even letting him do crazy nonsensical things like cutting up a pair of shorts because he likes the way it feels at night; however, when it comes to how his actions are going to affect other people's feelings (like my sister's wedding) or cause harm to himself, I put my foot down. Do I like acting bossy? Absolutely not. Frankly, I'm longing for the day when I am freed from this responsibility so I can get back to my own life and not feel like a control freak 24/7.

Thankfully, in my case, this will be happening soon as one of my sister's is going to have him live with her.

I hate this disease. No surprise there...we all do.

I would love it if my mother would give me the silent treatment especially from about 8pm to midnight and 5am til 9 or even 10am! My mother will not leave me alone, it is never that she is concerned about ME it is always focused on the DOG...has it been fed, does it need to go to the bathroom, or complaining that my bedroom is too hot for the dog or too cold. She drives me absolutely crazy, crazy, crazy! If it isn't that then she is complaining that something is sitting in the living room and when is "this mess going to be cleaned up?" You clean it up and she moves on to the next complaint.....

I know you are in pain, you are hurting, you are trying to be the best caregiver for her that you can be and you feel that you are being treated unfairly and you don't even know why. Sometimes it makes me wonder IF THEY EVEN KNOW WHY! Everyone here has given some wonderful words of wisdom and I hope that some of it will resonate with you and make you feel better and know that many people are enduring what you are going through....and it's okay for her not to talk to you....serve her a drink, medicine or food and if she refuses to talk, just walk away or say to her "gee Mom I am sorry that you don't feel like talking now, but I will leave you with your thoughts and be back later to check on you." You could end that sentence with....Love You! as you walk out of the room. You are not being hateful or spiteful you are allowing her the space to be the way she wants to be.

I began turning on Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra and Big Band Era CD's for Mom and she wants to sit on the patio in the sun and watch the birds and enjoys the music greatly. I have found that I enjoy it as well, I admit I have heard them so many times I can hear them in my head before I turn them on, but music does help bring people out of moods. I turned on my own era music in my room the other day and was dancing around to it and it made me feel wonderful again!

In the last year of my father's life he chose to sit in silence a lot. He had emphysema not dementia, but there was something about him just wanting to be quiet, no TV, no radio and no loud talking. I think he was preparing himself for death and I have no idea what he was thinking about but I assume it was his life.

I also know what you mean about the dog. My sister would like to get rid of ours since she is the source of many arguments in the house, but she is MY only salvation at times and I love her. The dog has done nothing wrong, it is my mothers OCD where the dog is concerned that is the problem.

Take care and know that YES it does hurt and we all take it personally at some point in our caregiving. You have done nothing wrong, this is her choice so let her have it, turn on music and entertain yourself while she is in her own world.

God Bless You and take care of you!!!

Ashlynn, put your big girl panties on? Really? Wow...I think you are on the wrong forum. I think she has had enough abuse, so she probably doesn't need any more from you.

Sometimes I wish I had that problem....My mom never quits talking, if she is not asleep, she is talking. I know how that sounds, and I know she can't help it, but sometimes I just wish I could have some peace and quirt! This has been going on now for well over a year and sometimes I feel that I am going to loose my mind! To answer your question, just let it ride if you can, be kind and hopefully your mom will get past this stage.

Call in her presence and speak to someone she also knows and have many lively conversations and laugh a lot. Often, this will make them curious enough to bring them out. Don't give into their silence and continue to talk to them even if they do not respond. Tell them that you love them even if they are treating you badly.

Your mother-in-law is doing this because it gets a rise out of you. She sounds like a passive aggressive rhymes-with-witch.

The best approach is to just be yourself, going about your business cheerfully, ignoring her attempts to suck you into getting upset. She's playing a game which has only one rule: You lose.

Do you have a mantra? A favorite hymn or uplifting song? Repeat that, out loud if you want, gently calming yourself. Tap the strength inside you; it's there if you just look.

Good luck and God bless.