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My brother passed away in Feb. and I moved mom in with me in May . She has worsened alzheimers and I have always bee n the caregiver. I took her meals everyday for last year since we had to stop her driving. My brother and sister in law would stop in at their convenience. I have already had falling out with brother and sister in law over her going through moms silverware and taking some things before me and packing up rest to ;give" to me. She said mom was going to throw them away. Well mom had alzheimers at the time and I asked my brother to please not let her take anything else until I knew. That just flew all over both of them. My mom lived in small mobile home without anything. There were a couple of spoons from England , Her home, that I wanted.
This last episode was right after brother passed away and I told my sister in law I was putting moms insurance policy in my name. It was only 5000 for me and 5000 for brother to bury mom. She then made statement you know Mike left money for you and your mom, then she got lawyer and I didn't hear anything else. My brother had told me on 3 different occasions he was leaving money for mom and last time told me his wife could change it. I don't know if she got mad about th e life insurance policy or just greedy, but I asked her what was going on and she said she misspoke. I told her I didn't appreciate her lying to me--so now she is not speaking to me--originally she said she would help with mom, but Has been in her homeland of Scotland this whole month.
All of this to ask how do I deal with fact mom asks about her now and then, but I am very angry about all this and don't wont to even hear her voice. She mailed letter to my mom before going to Scotland and put her phone no. in letter and said if she needed anything she could call her son and daughterinlaw. I have been the one here arranging sitters, washing clothes, wash mom, etc. I have never gotten pat on back from brother or any of them. My brother was well off financially, but I told her it wasn't even the money, it was way I was treated, just left hanging. How do I deal with her and my anger?

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It would seem that the executor of your brother's will would have contacted you or will contact you, you can bring up to him any property issues. If you and mom were in your brother's will you will get what he intended you to have, if you were taken out of the will for whatever reason, that is it. Probate is probate. Hopefully you are now your mom's legal agent and make sure her will and all is in place. She will not miss your sister in law, just take care of yourself and mom and you do not have to deal with your sister in law at all, deal through lawyers if there are estate issues. That's my take.
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This is how I have always been told things should be. I deal with my family and my husband deals with his. I stayed out of my husband's family's business and he stays out of mine. If his family disrespects me, it is his job to deal with them. If my family disrespects him, it is my job to deal with my family.

So far it has worked "sort of" worked out. I have had a little trouble with one of his sisters. She is now being treated for depression and mood swings. She has made great efforts to make things right. I never confronted her about her nastiness, I waited for my husband to do that. I am still waiting. But as I said she is making great efforts to mend fences and I will give her credit for that.

In my humble opinion, your sister in law should butt out. This is not her family.
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Dear Nicenurse10: I am sorry for the loss of your brother, but I don't see how your SIL had any right before or after his passing to help herself to anything that belonged to your Mom. Your brother did you a disservice by allowing her to go through your Mom's things and take what she wanted without consulting you first. You should get tough and stand up to her. Since your brother is gone, she did not inherit the right to run your mother's affairs or have anything to do with what she feels entitled to take or what your Mother wants or needs. She is not a blood relative - if you are the only living blood relative, you are the one that is in charge of your Mom - not her. I would have a chat with the police - she stole from you so who cares what she thinks. If I were in your place, I would definitely press charges and demand back whatever she took. I would also get an attorney. If you cannot afford one, contact your county legal aide services. If you or or Mom's personal income is low, you probably qualify for free legal assistance, advice and the ability to have legal documents drawn up that will protect you and your mother and make you her legal representative. Don't waste time while your SIL is in Scotland, get this done ASAP. As for your mother's life insurance policies, unless you owned the policies on her life already, you could not change the polices. Talk to your insurance agent immediately, find out who is the named owner of the policies - if not your Mom, it might be you and your Bro, in which case you would probably become the sole owner as he is deceased. Only the owner can direct any changes to a policy. If you are not the owner, the agent probably won't tell you anything about the current beneficiary arrangements, since your mother was of sound mind when she bought the policies. You agent can clarify this very quickly over the phone. If in fact you are the owner of her policies, you would be authorized to change the beneficiary names. In that case, be smart - you don't have to leave her a dime of your Mom's personal assets or insurance prcoeeds. If the current beneficiary arrangement left 5000 to your Bro and he is now deceased, his share most likely becomes yours unless there was a clause that left his share to his offspring or his wife. Again, it is critical that you speak to your insurance agent to review these terms in black and white. If you are already your Mom's POA, you might want to give the lawyer authorization to speak with your Mom's insurance agent as well. I am neither an agent nor a lawyer, so I cannot swear you will have any recourse, but I learned quite a bit working for a life insurance agent for 15 years. Good luck in sorting this out. You should be able to tap into reliable advisory resources for little or no expense if your county offers the services.
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It took strength for you to do that - but I bet you made your mom smile.

Regarding the thievery, you need to either let it go, or report the theft to the police. Let them deal with it.
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I did call my sil and handed the phone to my mom and left room. I realize the money is her prerogative, like I said not the money but way she lied to me and said he had left money for me and mom then said she misspoke after getting lawyer. I am looking after "our" mom----mine and my brothers. I have no other family or children or husband, just friends
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You need to forgive her - and let it go. Put your mom's needs above your own and read the letter from SIL and tell her that you could call if needed. It's important to not deprive your mother of a relationship just because you are at odds with her.

Did you have two brothers and one passed away?

You may not get any encouragement from your family for caring for your mother.. but what you are doing is noble. You are giving love and help to someone unable to reciprocate...It's selfless.

What your SIL does with your brother's money is her prerogative now that he has died. You may very well not see one cent. Just accept that and if you do get something at some point, consider it a gift.
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