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I am one of 3 children my Mom has vascular dementia I am the only one currently that seems to do her shopping, washing, cleaning etc. However my brother came to visit me the other day and mentioned that my mom's stairs needed vacuuming! My other siblings seem to leave everything to me. When he mentioned the stairs I did say that I am only one person and that I work fulltime and am also a Mom but that just seemed to make him angry how do I deal with this?

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We are a family of 11 sibs, 9 local. To say it has been frustrating, is a huge understatement. I am the eldest, primary caregiver, and have several grandchildren, unlike the others. What I have had to accept is that you CANNOT make people do what they will not. Some are just selfish, others inept, others justify their guilt. Most work during the week, but even weekends are too much to give up. There is NO reason that 9 sibs can't keep some kind of flexible schedule. Instead, majority rule will be placing mom in a facility where she will not get anywhere near the care she does at home. Realistically, with most of the burden falling on 2 of us, we knew it would eventually become unsustainable. It may become that way for you also, but rest assured that you have a guilt-free conscience and did everything humanly possible for your mom. I know I have. God's blessings on you and all of us who have done the right thing for as long as we were able.
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When I cared for my dad my brother wasn't helpful. I assumed he should know that I needed help. My brother on the other hand thought that I would ask if I needed help (which I never did). We had a total breakdown in communication. Once it was cleared up my brother's assistance made such a huge difference.

Have you asked any of your siblings for help? Be specific. Such as: "Mom has a Dr.'s appointment on Tues. Can you take her so I can get some things done around my own house?"
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For the record, I believe you would do well to hire help to do these tasks that anyone cando, like vacuuming. Only you can be her daughter.

If mom has vascular dementia, the time when she can live alone is fast drawing to a close. Does one of you have POA? Get it done if it's not too late.

Did you talk with your brother about why he was angry? Maybe he wants to visit with mom and not do housework. Mom's funds, or Medicaid need to be used for housekeeping tasks and her care if you want to keep her at home.
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Start asking the other 2 to step up and do tasks or projects. If they live out of town, tell them that you wish to take a week off and go somewhere and they can come take care of Mom while you are away.

Then get a notebook and start journaling your requests and the given refusals and responses. Chronicle every trip to the store or doctor and the gas spent and time spent. THEN the next time a prima donna sibling criticises anything.....hand 'em the book. We can only dream, right? Have a good day!!
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Hand him the vacuum and tell him to get busy...
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