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How do I deal with a sibling who has given me nothing but grief and emotional drainage over the years and says sorry but is moving too fast and making decisions on visiting my stepdad while I am caregiving for him and wants to come over and make a family dinner?

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Almost exactly the situation I am in except my brother and I are the bio siblings to mom and dad who i am caring for. Dear brother is a control freak and wants to direct everything, including bringing dinner without notice. I have tried to get him to o visit a mediator/counselor to no avail. He has no idea what I go through or the real situation I am in or my parents. He and his wife drain me with their directives and know it all attitude. The parents are not in a position to make any sound decisions and I try to keep conflicts out of their lives. Document! Sadly, I decided to document things my brother and sister in law do that irritate me, from decisions or comments on health, medical attention, and financial matters. I have spoken to my lawyer who said there is not much I can do. However, I am going to pursue a long shot. That being a visit to the local agency, I believe it is federal on Elder Abuse. If I cannot make a case for my parents perhaps I can for me, as I am no spring chicken, and our arguments have reached a point of no return. I think I know your frustration. I have brought this up to a few counselors , ans social workers with no success. Sadly, I have found myself keeping records, notes, emails, etc of the hell my brother has put me through. I hope a never need them but they do paint a picture for anyone who reads them. At a time when you need support yourself, you are being challenged daily by an ignorant family member. Keep notes, engage in emailing so you have a record of thins. Stay strong. Start confronting your brother through emails. I clicked on this question hoping to find an answer to sibling hell. I hope this has been some help.
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Not much information, but from my own experience, I would say it is window dressing. Those who don't help out, have to perform a token gesture for show once in awhile. It helps ease the guilt and it is a way of maintaining a presence.
I always believe that parents usually play a role in siblings not getting along, so it's best to protect yourself from the negative energy. Your stepfather has two children, but you are alone in this situation. Don't rise to the bait. Try to be civil but remember that a tiger doesn't change its stripes. You are not obligated to be anything but civil. You probably can't restrict visitors so you will have to make the best of a bad situation.
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The fastest way to get rid of anyone is to ask them to pay for something. Have them mail a check to a home care agency to have someone help give you a needed break once a week. Set up a visit schedule with days/hours that work for you. If they show up unannounced tell them dad is asleep or otherwise is not a good time. Also you can not go to the door. You are in charge and you should be in control of the situation. Being victimized is exhausting and you need that strength to care for dad. None of this is easy but if you don't take care of yourself it will much more difficult.
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Because of greed,lack of help,back stabbing,calling the police on me,making me get a lawyer and spend thousands of my retirement money ,lying and a myriad of other things my wife and I put up with caring for my mother I cut part of my family loose.If I never see them again it will be too soon.

Your situation doesn't seem as extreme as my experience but it can turn into it especially if the other family members are only interested in your Dad's bank account.
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It is happening to me too, but the sister is never here so I guess it's better is they get out of the way completely instead of obstructing our routine and bringing negative energy in the house the few times a year she comes when my bed ridden mother has a friend or her cousin over to visit, pretending to be there.
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I don't know about the others, but I'm afraid you've not given us much to go on to help you with this question. What is the problem..what kind of grief, is this their stepdad too? What does your dad say about seeing the sibling? What is wrong with Dad that he needs your caregiving? Has your dad given you POA? What's wrong with making a family dinner? We just need to know more...what you've given us doesn't help us help you...
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Not much info. But I think I have similar. Its the disruption to fit their sudden or even short plan in. In my case since its sibling and listed as alternate should I resign or be unable. They have decided they do not like how I have manage mymothers finances. Trying to take over and block me from half her CDs that have matured, saying my management has lost her money. Not selling her paid for house, not appliying for VA benefits sooner, took a financial gift from her knowing she was looking for a home of assited living because of beggining dementia, and I knew she might eventually need that money. Huge stress , mom in hosptal now ready for discharge and doc says she needs hospice care, assited living says she cannot come back because they cannot accomodate a fall risk patient even if it may only be temp. I might hav a 1st months rent for a new more expensive facility. I want to just move her home and try to take care of her myself to see if she might improve. I will not allow the others to see her. Its not going to be a partial check towards her CDs , I am POA and executor, I dont care if its only a nickle they are not going to give me 2 cents instead. They have continued to suggest this that other and where is her money going ? Im tired of trying to be a good and sharing brother to keep them informed, they are becoming public enemy #1. They have said they hired an attorney to take custody once , then turned around and said they lied about it. Yet bottom line on all this is . It is my fault for not just assuming full power that was given to me and stop including family, even it they were there before your assuming it. It takes awhile to realize you are in a vulnerable position if being scrutinized when u think u are just sharing time as u always did before the dementia set in. And as someone else posted the parents are taking a part in this 3 act play that is going on. I id with most comments.
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very interesting answers here...and more! adding to my story....the worst brother of the two is actually 11 years younger then me...and when my mother got very ill, and after 5 years of caring for my parents...he came in like a blockbuster!!! it shocked me to the core! he actually wanted to have this huge discussion of what type of refridgerator i should purchase?? whaaaaat? lol he wore my out with his constant, overbearing presence! i never gave in to his demands...and eventually he stole my father's will and his POA over my mother who could no longer sign because she was in advanced stages of dementia! he thought he was so smart!! for three years my father told me to trust him...and did not make an attempt to get his legal paperwork back because he didn't want his son to get mad at him!!! OMG....i can't tell you how furious i was! yes, parents know that their children are scoundrels....but they love all their children no matter what!! finally....my brother made the unlitmate mistake...he stopped coming over to see my father!!! had not come over for at least 1 1/2 years...my father was mortified! thank god for my brother's unlimate mistake....my father updated all the legal paperwork...taking control away from my brother and giving it to me!! I WAS SOOOOO RELIEVED and could continue caring for both my parents with no ANGST in my heart. it's been about 7 1/2 years now...fulltime. my mother is now in her last stages of dementia...and have not had a day off in 10 months...and i have a brother that lives with us also! but...i no longer have to worry about my future...nor do i ever have to speak to that rotten brother until my parents have passed and we sell the house!!! i will be on my happy way...without ever caring if i ever see either of my two rotten brothers again!! thank you god!
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We have had to part ways with the brother of my Alzheimer's (59 year old) husband. Brother had no empathy, no compassion, and absolutely no understanding (he's a doctor). If his participation was not around his schedule or his direction then he was unwilling to help. Husband and I felt awful every time we were around this brother. No more. Very sad, yet very easy.
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I feel so very blessed to have two brothers and myself all on the same page. My little brother and sis in law are taking care of dad in their home, and are getting paid for it, plus perks (dad roofed their house, helped them pay for a new septic system and is now putting in a storm shelter for them). I have POA and help with financial matters, but give my little brother and sis in law free reign in taking care of dad and my older brother is on board with it all. We don't care if Dad uses every penny he has helping them out. They are making the end years of Dad's life as good as it can be. What price that? I am blessed not to have horrible siblings like so many in here... I'm so sorry for you all. Heading to my Brother's in a week from now to give them a long weekend of freedom from caregiving. It's a 7 hour drive, but I love hanging with my dad...I'm taking him gambling (his favorite thing to do) so wish us luck!
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