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Seneca basically said that we become unhappy by having high expectations. If we expect exactly what we get, then we should not be hurt ,disapointed, or angry about it. And Einstein is always quoted as having said that 'insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.'

My husband is always trying to tell me that I am not going to get what I want from my parents. He is correct. They are in the twilight of their lives. If I have not earned their love, respect, or trust by now, then I should not go there expecting any. If I could only break the cycle, do what needs to be done with dispassion, then perhaps I could be more to all of us. Leaving hurt, and angry, and furious at myself for being the good guy, and yet beating myself up for not being 'good enough' for them...as I wipe up the pee around the toilet (He must see double and picks the wrong one)... It has to stop. Perhaps It is Stockholm syndrome. But if we do not do this, then who will?

My grand parents were so loving and kind. It was easier to care for a kind grateful person. My parents never said I love you. no hugs, no compassion... after 46 years, one would think I would have figured it out that they aren't normal. Something is missing in them, and I need to realize that it won't develop anytime in this life of theirs. It is funny though, mom calls dad a 'lump" and dad calls mom 'unloving.' They see it in each other but not themselves. That would take introspection, and perhaps the realization that they aren't the center of the universe. gasp!

Everytime I want to give up and just let them reap the thistles in the garden they've sown, my husband (the better of the two of us) reminds me that we have to do what is best for them because we have to live with ourselves. He just wants me to do it without emotion, distance myself. I understand what he is saying, but it is so hard to do.

So we count our blessings. I slept so much better last night knowing that I am not alone. Many of you are going through a worse time of it... a glimps into the future,*sigh*, but this site is a comfort. allies in the trenches.
Do not forget to tell your husbands and children that you love them. That they are special to you. Let's break this cycle by giving to those who recipricate and love us back. We need to go to the wells that have water, and stop looking for it in the dry ones.
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Blessings to you as well. Thank you for the clarification. I believe Jesus heals, but like I said, sometimes it takes time. Some things are harder to overcome, and take longer for some people. Not all pain is the same. He heals, but some will not see it until heaven, because? I don't have all the answers
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I mean if our parents and even us as a matter of fact accept Christ and have faith we are following the right path and Jesus will heal all the pain we all shar ehe is the healer.
Have a blessed day.
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upthecreek (M), I'm not sure what you mean by the right path.
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Anne, I know God can heal anything if people just let him in and choose the right path.

Here is a song for everyone to enjoy. Dance in the Rain by Marvin Mumford hope his Music blesses you all.
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mitizipinki, thank you! I love your sense of humor and your spirit. God is so good. I go to see the staff sometimes, too. Cuz sometimes the pain of dealing with my Dad is more than I feel able to at the moment. Grief. Old family patterns, and Dad's unwillingness to get up out of bed or eat, except once in awhile on his terms. It hurts to see him losing weight, losing the ability to communicate. And it is important to get to know the staff. They are the ones we've entrusted our parent's well-being to. And most of them are so gracious, loving and committed. They know more about nursing than I do, and I know my Dad more than they ever will. But it's so important to form those new relationships.

My Dad wasn't mean, just distant. And angry at times. My Mom was the selfish, mean one. Egg shells don't make for good flooring. There were always elephants in our living rooms and other wild beasts in the rest of the house. My sister and I both still struggle today. But after 12 years of marriage, and lots of good Christian Biblical counseling, my husband says I'm doing better than I was. You know we have to in order to show compassion to the ones who were not so nice to us at times. But you know, I was a brat, too. I can't just blame my Mom totally. Yeah they bear some of the responsibility, but not all. It is just time for me to grow up. And forgive. And take care of the ones who once cared for me. I thank God I can do it. It is a privilege, and a way to honor them, even if I don't like Mom at times.

It's hard to do for someone who's difficult to please. But when my thinking is right, I remember we are commanded to love our neighbor. It's easy to love the nice ones. It is definitely harder to love and show compassion to the prickly pears. But Jesus did it. He loved me when I was lost and broken and ugly and mean and selfish. He loves you, too.

upthecreek, God can heal the broken ones. (I know, because he's working on me.) But it does hurt, and it does take awhile.

And this site has been a Godsend. You ladies, too.
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Anne, this one is for you.... being in this exquisite assisted living has been great... some administration problems, but definitely can't complain about the staff. Its so funny because I have staff tell me "You know she hasn't bathed at all." I'll reply to them, "Perhaps you can take her out on the deck and hose her down, I'm really not sure what to tell you." Staff used to look at me like I was crazy. My husband would tell them stories and they used to think we were just the meanest.... now mom has been there almost six months... HA guess who gets to laugh now? They may take the pocket book, but they have to live with her!

Now I hear the stories and her "demands" and they scoff. Now when the med techs see me or the caregivers, we have a good chuckle. Sometimes we go to visit just the staff and they ask "Are you going to see your mother?" I look at them and reply, "Do I look sick to you? Take my temp!" we all chuckle and I do what I need to do then leave.

My mother's selfishness led me to a lot of problems emotionally. Denial about my childhood, anger about her treatment towards me, and a struggling marriage because I did not see a normal marriage growing up. Make sure you get GOOD counseling! In my case I only recommend a Christian counselor, but hey. The one thing I can tell those of you who deal with a vindictive cruel parent... you can't get blood from a stone. Don't expect something you will never receive. Just move on and find a way to cope. Seriously.

Thank you all for being here and showing we are not alone. It makes the days so much easier! Neon if you're reading this, I'm glad you're surfacing again. I hope you are doing better!!
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Boy can I ever relate also. My mother is manipulative, self centered and controlling. Ha and she calls me controlling. Her addiction is Headline News and Bridge with people just like her I suspect and control over everyone in her life even the kids she isn't raisiing. I used to feel sorry for her she grew up with 14 sibilings and I am sure times were ruff and not happy during the depression. But Lord help me you would have thought that would have tamed her more.Yeah right!
My brother doesn't help and really doesn't know how.Anything I did was not to her satisfaction and I was the bad kid. The baby my brother is the angel. No problems but he is a chronic liar.Has got caught many times and he still gets away with it. I truly beleive if did something seriously worng he walk away scott free just becuase he is the baby. She spoiled him rotten and I did too but that was becuase we went through allot of foster homes and I was the oldest taking care both of us.
When she adopted him it was all about the baby. She forgot me and my dad and I had a sweet relationship wish I think to this day she still jealous of. So, I people I understand they all can be selfish and run us to the ground. I wonder what it is with this generation just reading what people write about they all seem the same did they all come out of the same hole( like that Wendy's commercial He-he) Yeah your right Anne we would have a ball and laugh our heads off and praise one another.
Lord help these broken ones that have endured the pain of this group of people. We love them but we are damned if we do and damned if we don't. I am sure God is watching us all. So , we keep being the disciples we are to our parents. Maybe one day God will help them to see the Light.

Amen
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gvrgrl,

I'm with you...I can't believe the guilt! My mom was rarely there for me as a child...she didn't go to my high school graduation and she didn't act liked she cared when I graduated from broadcasting school!!! She seemed as if she had better things to do than listen to my demo (for commercials). And now she expects me to be there for her every blinking moment!!! Argues all the time and dosen't want me to comment back...tells me im being disrespectful!!! Well she wouldn't let me speak my mind as a child and I'll be bleep, bleep, bleep if I'm going to let her do this to me as an adult!!!

Hey Anne,
Yes, it would be great if we all could get together and go to a fun place to let out some steam together!!! To laugh and cry...more laughter though!!!

Hang in there!!!
Jazzy
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Weird how selfishness produces selfless kids. What's with that?
Jett, I wonder how people get out of pickles? May all your metals be gold. I hereby crown you queen!
And here's looking at you, Rita: priceless!
Lini, I pray you have a blessed and happy marriage. Enjoy and cling to HIM!
alicmb, you're a treasure!
Good point gvergrl. Family equity? (funny!) More like family deficit.
Stay a hero BABYBOOMER!
Bless you kyredhead12!
Thanks for the laughs, mitzipinki. I think your Mom and mine exchanged notes. Aren't we awesome to put them in exquisite facillities? Good looking out!

This thread made me smile, even though it hits so close to home and heart. I'm glad I can still laugh. Thanks, everyone. Wouldn't it be a hoot to all get together at once? I mean for real? Hawaii? Heaven? Hope to see you there!
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Oh this is a bandwagon I love to jump on because my mother has the disease "Its All About Me". Dad gave her everything she wanted for 50+ years. OY... I won't even go there!

Well now mom and dad are in assisted living in an exquisite facility. But I gotta tell ya I had the most priceless moment this weekend.

My mother is the mean one. She's ridden my fanny over my weight gain for so many years it became a joke between my husband and I. My mom would tell me about all sorts of diets, cut out articles, insult me in front of others, and the list just goes on and on.

Well, the hospital put my mother on Megace (appetite increaser) because my mother dropped down to 74 lbs trying to starve herself (too long a story to go into). Well in about 8 weeks she went from 74 lbs to 121 lbs. I laugh because she's NEVER been over 115 lbs in her life!! What was priceless you ask?

When I saw her this weekend, she started complaining and I quote, "I can't believe how fat I am!" I looked up at her and told her flat out (I have my husband who can testify), "What goes around comes around. Perhaps you should talk to your doctor."

OH MAN did I get the glare between those chubby cheeks. It was vindication at its finest! Patience always brings it back around, but its just a matter of how long can one hold on?

Keep hanging in everyone! Selfishness is a disease and learning boundaries and to say no while they hurt is one of the toughest things you'll ever have to do.
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"All my brave words...I still feel so guilty"
Yep. Been there. Still there. Grew up there. Haven't been able to move away from there. They are so selfish. We give, and give, and give, and they take, and take, and take...and WE feel guilty. So is something wrong with them, or is something wrong with US?

My mother always quoted some erodite guy about how you can 'never escape your early beginnings.' They reared us up with the notion that we are responsible to them and they still expect us to be their parents. I have been bringing them up all my life.
Obligation is the strongest and most powerful of all emotions. It is supposed to be love. Sometimes I wonder if I am inadvertantly doing to the people that I actually love, the things that my parents are doing to me. Somehow that cycle must stop. My brother has no problem walking away...but that is his way of taking. Three takers one giver. It wears you down. I don't think I have much left to give. My husband calls it family equity, but they never deposited.
Bless you all. Not all parents are good parents... but we are good people and this is what we do. A hug to all of you.
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I cannot believe I have found people going through the same thing. Thank you for sharing your stories. My dad is at the cornor hotel because I am sick of his never ending needs. I have three sisters who don't want him either. I just want to be over this it has been going on for to long. He never took care of us I have been taking care of him for 7 years and have had my last straw and cannot take any more abuse or his never ending list of things he needs done right now. He needs a wife and is only 65 and acts 95. I hope he finds someplace to stay because my home is no longer the elder care zone. I don't want to be maid no more I want my life back. I am one of those woman who has been taking care of people for so long I forgot of myself. I need to be good to myself now. I have 3 classes before graduation with a new career and want this to be my time. What ever happens is going to happen. He would not go to a class get a friend or anything. He would only wait until I could take him everyplace and if I did not he would tell everyone I keep him in jail and let him out for the day. Well he has a car, money, and more then I had when I left home at 16. He can learn to care for himself.

OK all my brave words why do I still feel so guilty I can't sleep???
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babyboomer, i understand totally. My moms addiction is DVD's. I am not married. So i call on the lord every day. I have to. I am blessed to be able to take care of my mom and really would not have it any other way. She is the only mom i have, however i would love to just have a small break/vacation. lol i will keep u in my prayers. Ur right one day this too shall pass.
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I am my mothers(75 yrs) caregiver also. I never thought I would ever have so much guilt from trying to do what is best for my mother.
I only have one brother and he doesnt do anything to help.
My husband and My children are saints for bearing with me on a daily basis because my mother keeps me so stressed out. My mother is so strong willed and maniplitive. She is addicted to sweepstakes and the lottery. I have done everything I know to do to keep her from being taken by this type of fraud but my mother tells me that I am stealing the only joy she has and she says she enjoys the sweepstakes although she has been taken for thousands and thousands of dollars. My time is consumer by her financial affairs, and just her daily life in general.
I feel sorry for my husband, children and grandson. I would love to spend more time with them but I mother is constantly calling, or creating some type of crisis to insure that I stay focused on her.
I hope that I never place burdens on my children the way my mother has created burdens of pressure in my life.
My dad is 80 and now he is having health problems...I will be the only one to take care of him as well.
I never thought I would live my life like this...I can understand people whom would want to take there own life.... When I feel so consumed I call on the Lord and He gives me strength to do what I need to from moment to moment.
I just know ...this too shall pass.
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I have been taken care of my parents for the last 6/7 years. Since there health decline. My mother is 75 on Halloween and my dad passed this year at he age of 69. Now my mom has always been selfish and don't know how to manage money. Never has. Since my dad passed in July, I realize she is grieving and has diabeties, high blood pressure and osteoprosis. Her back and legs hurt all the time, has been in the hospital 2 times in the last month. She is on me 24/7. Everything i tell her is not right, just as if i was lying to her all the time. Here lately we have been arguing all the time, whether it is money or whatever. I wont' baby her like my other brothers do, maybe that is the problem. I know she forgets but does she have them fooled. It is sad because i never thought me and my mom would be like this. I try and chalk it up to whatever. It sure tries your patients though. I can't get one thing done till she is saying something about something else. God forgive me. I do everything wrong and my brother that lives here which is 56 years old, gets the " poor guy, bless his heart" speech. What does a person do. Where can I go to try and understand a person like my mother.
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I am 24yrs old and have an older brother who is 28. My father left us when I was 5 years old but even before that he was never really there because he was busy having his affairs. My brother and I didn't see our father for over 9 years and eventually when we did have the opportunity to see him and get to know him he was very mean to us. My brother has completely given up on having any sort of a relationship after years of constantly trying. I on the other hand after years of fighting with my father I started having a fairly better relationship with him a year and a half ago, we don't see each other since we live in different states but we talk about 2 times a week. Things changed because I changed the way I looked at things (I was doing what Rita advised to do). I said to myself that my dad had a very rough childhood growing up with a father that was never there for him and an alcoholic mother. So I tried to better understand him and when he would do things that would hurt my feelings I would make excuses for him. Now I have decided to get married, my father has never met my fiance because he never visits me and I visited him but without my fiance because we couldn't afford for the both of us to go. My father has once again put me last on his list, he was invited to my wedding but is unable to make it and instead of trying to make up for it he blames me for having my wedding in an inconvenient time for him and his new family. Whenever I try to tell him how he makes me feel he argues with me and then he makes me feel guilty for it. He acts as though he makes his decisions because he has no other choice. But the only person standing in the way of him doing the right thing is him because he has always been selfish. Now I am torn between giving up on a relationship with him forever because in the short time that I've known him he has hurt me emotionally countless times, but then I feel like if I cut him off that I would be doing something wrong to him and hurt his feelings. So now it comes down to me choosing between my own feelings and his and it is difficult for me because after all the bad things and not knowing him for so long, I can still see the ting bit of good in him and I do love him. So I guess what I am trying to say is that I tried that approach to change the way I saw things and dealt with things but in the end I hurt myself because I was basically lying to myself all this time.

Just wanted to share my story with someone who can probably relate.

Lini
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Hi Jett, Wow..you do have your hands full. I know what you mean about dads being mean. My mom was very ill recently and hospitalized and I had to spend a great deal of time with my father. He would push me around...actually push my shoulder to move me in the direction he wanted me to go. Yell at me and storm out of the house when I did not agree with him. This one thing I have learned. They will NOT change. We can continue to be miserable and begin to hate and resent our parents. What good is that? I have changed my focus. I feel so much better. You are a good, loving, and devoted daughter. You care for your parents because that is the kind of person you are. Do not wait for them to tell you they appreciate you...they will not. But you appreciate yourself and I certainly appreciate you. I appreciate that there is someone else out there dealing with similar problems and I appreciate this opportunity to share my feelings with someone who understands. "Change the way you look at things and the things you look at will change". Get it? Have a bright day. Rita
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