Where do I start. Mom is 89 and Dad is 91. He still drives, but shouldn't; he has told us (three siblings) that even if we take away his license he would still drive. Dad is very very mean; no this did not become of lately, he has been mean all his life. His way or the highway. This has become increasingly worse. He is VERY independent and does not like when you explain to him you want to help, Dad will take it as he is weak. Yeah he is weak, he is 91. But in his mind he is 51. Most of the times I can let things role, but yesterday broke the straw. My husband and his brother planted our garden with everything Dad wanted. Every row is marked with what it has in it. Dad was already planted over the carrots and yesterday he planted right over the okra and beans. He wanted his OWN role of okra, so with no regard to my husband and his brother, he planted his okra. I know all of you will say it is just a garden and to be glad he can still do it, BUT this is with everything. He breaks things constantly around the house. We have "old-aged" proofed it, but things seem to find him. When he breaks our stuff he hides it or tries to fix it (always looking horrible). He never apologies and will never replace it. I have had it up to my eyeballs. I am wanting to move, but I will still be the one taking care of them. My older sister has a husband with bipolar, brother has a wife that is, well not stable, and my other sister just lost her husband and has her daughter and three grandchildren living with them. So I am in a pickle. I feel guilty about not wanting to help, but I am being honest. My poor husband deserves the gold metal for having patience with them, but he is able to walk away from them more than I can.
My heart goes out to each and everyone of you. This is not easy and until someone walks in our shoes, they do not understand. I am glad I found this site where I may vent. I cannot talk to my siblings cause they have their own problems and I do not want to burden them with more.
Thanks for listening. Have a wonderful day.
Jett
My story in a nutshell:
I left my business (was an Architect) and moved back home when my drug addicted brother got cancer and instead of him surviving the 3 to 6 moths the Doctors said, he lived almost 2 years.
I took care of him and made sure he was in want on nothing which kept me from working the whole time and essentially brought my life's savings to ZERO.
Well, after my brother passed my Dad asked I move in with them (my Mom had a stroke in 2000 and is totally unable to take care of herself- paralyzed and in diapers). Although I had spent most every weekend taking care of my Mom to give Dad a break, I was familiar with what he was asking- to totally and completely give up my life and business and savings and identity...
So I did it.
And now I am in a torrent of depression and bankruptcy and close to wanting to end my own life...is this what one owes ones family? Really?
Unfortunately I am a gay man, 49 years old, and everyone expects that since I do not have "a life" or a family of my own I should sacrifice everything for my parents.
Is this what it comes down to?
I am shocked how life has unfolded due my inability to say "no" to my family.
I am ready to end it-
My story in a nutshell:
I left my business (was an Architect) and moved back home when my drug addicted brother got cancer and instead of him surviving the 3 to 6 moths the Doctors said, he lived almost 2 years.
I took care of him and made sure he was in want on nothing which kept me from working the whole time and essentially brought my life's savings to ZERO.
Well, after my brother passed my Dad asked I move in with them (my Mom had a stroke in 2000 and is totally unable to take care of herself- paralyzed and in diapers). Although I had spent most every weekend taking care of my Mom to give Dad a break, I was familiar with what he was asking- to totally and completely give up my life and business and savings and identity...
So I did it.
And now I am in a torrent of depression and bankruptcy and close to wanting to end my own life...is this what one owes ones family? Really?
Unfortunately I am a gay man, 49 years old, and everyone expects that since I do not have "a life" or a family of my own I should sacrifice everything for my parents.
Is this what it comes down to?
I am shocked how life has unfolded due my inability to say "no" to my family.
I am ready to end it-
WHAT?!
In the first place, what on earth do you mean that you don't have a life? You don't have a wife and 2.3 kids and a cocker spaniel so your life doesn't count? Who told you that? That is just crazy.
Twelve years ago you agreed to totally and completely give up your life and business and savings and identity. WHAT?!!
Wow! Where did you get these ideas that your are not a valuable unique individual with a right to a life of your own?
Well, never mind where you got them, because they are WRONG.
I don't know who these people are who expect that you should sacrifice everything for your parents, but believe me, it is NOT "everyone." What kind of parents expect this kind of sacrifice?
Here is the good news, though. You don't need to end it ... you just need to change it. And that will be a LOT OF WORK. Working to change things will be your life, at least for a while. Are you in counselling now? I can't imagine taking on the hard work of turning your life around without help and support.
You may have another 30 or 40 or even 50 more years to discover/build/celebrate your own life. You matter. You count. Your life is important.
Please, please post again and tell us that you are going to start down the hard but rewarding path of reclaiming your life.
Their personal fulfillment is not more important that yours.
Look, you are a good, compassionate, talented man. You have dug a big hole for yourself and now it is time to start climbing out of that hole. Please call your local Area on Aging and your local Department of Social Services. Find out what resources are available for your folks. You do this, you are a smart, creative, patient man. Get to it.
It's better to meet with people face to face whenever possible. Please start taking some steps to get your parents placed or get them the in-home care that they need.
Start looking for jobs and get back into the world. Life is out there and it is waiting for you to believe in it.
This will be a journey for you to reclaim your life and live it for all it's worth. Don't give in to despair. Please stay in touch. Sending you lots of love and hugs and wishing for your happiness. Cattails
I can not figure out how to send a private message so I am posting here.
You words of encouragement made me take a second look at what is going on and I am in the process of getting myself help.
Very often the isolation of these situations is dangerous and I have to thank you both again for taking the time to write.
I will figure out how to use this site as I want to know more about other folks challenges so as not to assume I am so alone.
Wayne
Since your mother is financially set, she can afford to have people do her yard, housework and laundry. If she runs them off, then her yard, housework and laundry will not get done. That's her choice and she can live with it.l
If you want to do her grocery shopping, then you do it once a week when you do your own shopping. She can make a list and give it to you over the phone. One trip per week, that's it. If she wants more than that, then she should hire an agency care giver who will run her errands and do her shopping mid week or as often as she likes. She can pay them for their time.
How is it that you can take her to all her doc appointments without losing time from work? Since she is mentally sharp and there's not much wrong with her at this stage, is it necessary that you be there? Again, a caregiver can take her.
I think you have to tell her that your doctor says that you have your own health issues and you need to put them at the top of your priority list along with your children. Of course, she will not like this because she does not seem to care about you or your well being. Again, that is her problem, not yours. If she says her condition is worse than yours, tell her that your children do not have another mother to care for them, so you have to take care of yourself. Don't debate it with her. Give an honest simple answer and be prepared to stand by it. End of discussion.
I know all of this is easier said that done, but what other choice do you have. None. Set a time on the weekend to come and see her. Stick with that schedule. No more than a 2 hour visit on the weekend. You and your kids have a life and a house to clean and laundry to do and homework that needs to be addressed. Your children need you to see them and participate in their lives.
I'm not saying you can't go over a cook a meal once a month and have a family dinner with her. Maybe you can even get your sister to join all of you if boundaries are firm, but you have to decide what works for your life and stick by it.
In the process, agree with your mom that if she falls and can't get to a phone, then it is likely she will be on the floor for some time without assistance. It would, therefore, be in her best interest to use the life alert system. Again, her choice.
You can throw however much kindness into this as you feel from time to time, but you must make a choice about your life also. Just like your mother, it's your choice. If you can't be an advocate for yourself, then you are doomed because no one else is going to do it for you.
Stop worrying about being a burden to you children and start being part of their lives. I am hoping that you do not have a serious illness, but I can't control that and neither can you. This should be a wake up call to you to enjoy the health you do have and that you must find ways to keep it. That again is your choice.
I know this sound harsh and blunt, but I don't know what else to offer you. If you want change, you have to make it happen. Your mom will be unhappy and angry, but that is nothing new. She can afford to get the help she needs. You have to provide for your children. Maybe you should also consider counseling.
Sending you encouragement and best wishes. Please let us know how things proceed. I hope you can learn to reclaim your life. Hugs, Cattails
I know it is hard for you to make changes, but it is the only way anything will get better for you. You have to say no, suggest alternatives and stick by your guns. Your mom's thinking is so screwed up. You are her daughter who has an autistic child and another child with ADHD and you are their soul support. But she thinks that it looks bad if you and not taking care of her. What looks and is bad is that your mom can make other arrangements and give you space to tend your children and keep your sanity, but no that doesn't work for her. Well, that is sick thinking. Please don't buy into it. You know better. No one but you can act on what you know is right. Your choice. Sending you hugs, Cattails
You can, however, control your own actions. And that turns out to be a pretty powerful ability, if you do it with some thought.
You can say, "I am available to take you to appointments between x and y. If you need appointments outside of that window, please make other arrangements." AND STICK TO IT!
You can say, "I am not available for telephone calls between x and y. If you have an emergency, please use your lifeline button." And you can check caller ID and DO NOT ANSWER HER CALLS BETWEEEN THOSE HOURS.
You can leave her alone for a while at a family event. You've already heard all her bowel and pill stories -- let her find a new audience.
You can realize that if she freaks out at your reasonable behavior, if she goes ballistic, if she gets sarcastic, if she is unhappy ... the world as we know it will not end. Her unhappiness is her problem, not yours. (Repeat the "Not My Problem" mantra as needed.) She gets unhappy when you will not take unpaid time off for her benefit? You are in control. You make your decisions. You cannot control her reaction. She doesn't like it? Tough cookies!
You can let her handle her domestic help as she sees fit ... and to suffer the consequences of a very high turnover rate. You can realize that this is Not Your Problem.
Yes, your life is VERY stressful! And as far as I can see, there is only one person who can change that. You! Your autistic child cannot reduce your stress level. Your boss and your banker are unlikely to reduce it. You mother most certainly is not going to care two figs (or even one fig) about your stress level. So if you want less stress, let go of all the MANY things that are Not Your Problem but that you are so fussed over. Set boundaries with your negative mother and ENFORCE them.
What I'm suggesting is a huge change for you, and changes are often very hard. Perhaps some of the time you are going to no longer devoting to your mother's unreasonable demands you could get some counseling to support you in taking charge of your life.
PS ... give your sister's advice serious consideration.
My mother just died this summer, leaving behind my father who has Alzheimer's. Now, he is very, very dependent on me. Insisting that I fly 3,000 miles to take him to doctors' appointments when I cannot afford to do so. I have one child in college and another in high school and my husband often travels for his work.
My father has stated that he wants to move in with me, but his rages are entirely too much. He harbors various paranoias about people stealing from him. Though he certainly has means, no one has been misappropriating any funds. But he'll call me on the phone, raging over the $30,000 my mother's funeral cost. "No, Dad, her funeral did not cost $30,000; it cost $10,000." "You're lying to me!" "Dad, I'm telling you the truth! I watched you write the check to the funeral home myself!" Just too much anger and distress and craziness.
My father's grandfather had Alzheimer's and my father always feared that he would end up this way. Just very, very sad for all of us. I pray to God that I never burden my own children in this way. Without abundant resources, the burden on the family is completely unsustainable. It truly becomes impossible to care for children and seniors with dementia at the same time. And I'm not really sure that society can afford to bear this burden through Medicare either. Those who bridge the gap are saintly grown children who are willing to sacrifice their own lives in service of those elderly who are only too willing to take, take, take. Is this really God's plan??? If the answer is yes, I just feel truly distraught.
I'm sick of waiting hand and foot on someone that doesn't seem to care about my feelings. OOOH now it's all about me, but it hasn't been about me for at least 5 years and I'm just feeling DONE.
A For Sale sign would go up Monday morning and new living arrangements made immediately if this were happening to me. Sorry but I just cannot understand how this happens in families. I wish you all the very best.
But instead of always arguing with him about leaving and where was he going, etc.... I would then hide his wallet. It would delay him long enough where something else would snap in his brain and he would get distracted doing something else. It took work, but once I figured out what it would take, it made that particular situation, sooooo much easier!
Then I remember when a couple stayed with him while I worked. My mom was in the hospital and dad could not be left alone and I needed to work. So I would have a couple who claimed to be family friends live with them during the daytime until I could get home from work. The friends "promised" me they would keep him on routine with meals, etc but they ended up really messing him up. My father was to the minute on his routine and when it got mucked up he was horrible!!!!!!!!!!!
Well after a almost a week of not sleeping and such because his routine was off, one day I decided I was going to move all the clocks ahead by 2 1/2 hours. I cannot express that no matter what else he could not remember, he still somehow knew his routine and time. It was the weirdest thing I've seen. But to get him back on track it was the only way I knew without constantly arguing. I had no more energy to argue. So when he was puttering around out of sight one day, I moved all the clocks forward about 2 1/2 hrs. As he would prepare for bed, he would look outside and swear that it was only such and such time. But thank God to it being fall and getting darker earlier, he wouldn't argue.
It was amazing to watch him still follow an internal clock, but he would always double-check the clock and that was his final authority to him and he would follow it.
Dad was much different than mom to handle. She was a whole other beast. She was narcissistic, but what made life easier was the fact that once she had a break down and ended up in geriatric psych a couple of times, it ended up where she had no ultimatum. She either had to get a live-in staffer that she would NOT be able to kick out of the house (oh the stories I could tell there). Or she was going to assisted living but it would be her choice period. There would be no other options. That one I really had to put my foot down on being the only child. Thankfully she decided on assisted living, but of course she had to yell at me and curse me out for that option, but even though we went over all the reasons why, she was still furious at me.
I think the thing that is easy to forget in the midst of all the misery of caregiving is that we have to play in a twisted way by their rules but using our style and method We want them to conform to us, but they are not children. Even though they act like it, they aren't. So between my mom and dad I had two completely different situations to deal with and I had to meet dad at his level of reality and play some tricks to get life functioning there and then there was the narcissistic mother who attempted a lifetime of manipulating me to her benefit. So that was always a fight just to keep her out of my life.
Maybe if its examining how their needs are met might help your level of sanity in all of this. Mine? Well the first time around when I was dad's sole caregiver it took me about 5 years to recover, then mom went into her thing and then it was another 4 years of her caregiving, so now they are both gone and its all about gaining control of my life. Health wise I'm just really tired and there are things going on that doctors can't figure out, but I'm "healthy" if that makes any sense.
Emotionally I am soooooo relieved they are gone. I don't feel guilty about it. Dad I miss terribly, but mom made life so horrific, I can't say I miss her at all. Now it is time to live my life my way. Woooo hoooo for that! Now if I can find the energy! LOL
My point in posting was to warn others, if your parents were jerks when you were a kid then time and distance isn't going to change them just because it's changed you...they get even worse with age and then expect you to snap back into the service role you had as a child. My Mom basically isn't just a selfish person, I then to think she is plainly a sociopathic personality to begin with and only sees other people for what they can do for her, and this is especially true now. This is really hard to even say, but it is the truth and I had to say it some where to someone, and at least that made me feel better.
I had a narcissistic mother and I do NOT say that lightly. She tried breaking up our marriage and she never lived with us. That was one thing I made sure NEVER happened. But when my mother wished me dead..... that was it!! My husband was a saint especially during the last 10 years of her life. There was so much drama from her.... insanity!!! If I had not laid down my boundaries, it would have been a whole different ballgame.
Your father may never talk to you again after you lay down the boundary lines, but would it really be that bad? Your dad my do some pouting for weeks or months, but in my life when I got that from my mother.... AAAHHHH peace and quiet! I took full advantage of it. But if you are responding due to their manipulation, nothing will ever get resolved.
Only you know, and only you can solve. Keep us updated!
Here's just the one thing I wanted to point out--- You are going to get stuck with final expenses! But I found a cool alternative, if your dad qualifies---
www.sciencecare.com
Might be able to take care of that, utilize your dad's body for medical students or research, cremate and return ashes to you at no expense to you!
I'm doing this for my parent's demise, since they qualify.
Here's one catch I found out the hard way.
Even if you have power of attorney or guardianship, any monies in the bank gets locked up, swallowed by the bank when your parent dies. We got screwed over bigtime by this little crappy loophole banks have to take what should be rightfully yours at a difficult time, and you are stuck with final expenses... all of it.