How to deal with power hungry mother-in-law?

When my FIL moved in with us, I "alowed" a few of their things (my MIL has since passed away) that I liked into our general space, and let him decorate his bedroom and his TV/den, the way he wanted, in attempts to make him at home and as comfortable as possible. This has worked well for us, and bit by bit, most everything that was previously theirs, has been replaced, as even my own styles have changed. His rooms however, have stayed exactly the same, except for his comforter set, which I encouraged him to buy new. This situation is probably all together different however, as he is a guy, and hardly cares what decorating style we have, as long as he has a nice big comfy recliner to sit and watch TV in, 18 hours a day in! Lol!

I like the suggestion of reminding her of being a young bride but I would go further with it Ask her how she decided certain decorating issues, did someone like her mother advise her? If she can describe herself then, you can establish common ground & have details to tell grandkids someday. Its family history. Someone else was right too - 70 is young. Are there friends or relatives around? If she's withdrawn from a social life maybe someone with your local org for elders can provide options for her to meet people & live her life & not yours. It demands a lot of patience on your part. You are lucky she gave you your first home. So many people esp those starting out are unable to get a home.

Rainmom: Thanks so much! You rock!

I have a horrible deja vu feeling. We are moving (hopefully) in the next few weeks and already I am having issues over the decor. I have nic nacs you know the sort of thing, hundred of little ornament that have to be dusted etc. Drives me nuts. Mum loves them so I 'think' I may have struck a happy medium. I bought a glass fronted cabinet to put them in, with quite a close fit. She can see them and I don't have to dust them every day. As for decor I imagine that this could be a roller coaster but like you Burt I only bring in things I like and then give Mum the choice. She changes her mind so often it doesn't really matter actually because whatever I do will be wrong but I just am learning to let it go.

Rock on, Llamalover! When I think of "old lady style" I picture plates hanging on the wall. My mom had that in her house and I've had to re-hang them for her in the three places she's lived in since then. Ummm - my apologies to anyone reading this who have plates on their walls.

*style? * I'm 69 and just bought a guitar!

Good heavens! She's only 70 and she decorates in old-lady sttle

Raonmom, well said. My MIL had lived in her house 30 yrs when they sold it to move to Fla. On a visit back here, the new owner invited my MIL for a visit to see her old house. MIL came back upset over how the woman had changed everything to rustic country. Husband told her its Mrs. Zs house now.

97yearoldmom - Thank you. I really do love my MIl and want us to be at peace. Thanks to the advice on this thread, I think we found how we will proceed. She has been pretty positive in her attitude when we have asked for her opinion on choices of hardwood, wall color, etc. Even though we are only bringing home samples we like. She babysits my BIL's daughter, so she insists on cooking dinner every night when they come pick her up. Not quick meals, she will spend all day cooking which is truly appreciated since we love her cooking. But then we will hear her complain to people that she has to cook everyday even though that is not the case. We've told her many times that she needs to rest, especially since she has a sciatic nerve pain in her leg, and to maybe cut down her cooking to twice a week. She pretty much does things voluntarily, but unfortunately will throw those things in peoples faces, even though we try to limit her work load.
rainmom- I agree that the advise on this thread has made me realize that she in not purposely trying to make our lives difficult. We just needed to find a way to make her feel like she is part of the process, and so far is seems to be working. Now deciding which school the kids go to...... Lets just say I will speak my mind when it comes to that matter. lol

Burt - don't let the comments here bully you - as some seem to be accusing your MIL of doing the same - know what I mean? Seems to be a lot of advice ranging from confrontation to actually throwing her out. Maybe it's just me but it seems everyone is getting awfully worked up over wallpaper. I get that people think MIL will run your entire life if you let her pick a tile sample - but come on, really? You know your MIL, if that's her style, she's going to meddle in your lives whether she's standing on 70's orange shag or an oak parquet. It was her house, now it's your and she still lives there. You indicated that based on your culture she would probably be living with you regardless. The deal you struck regarding the house seems sensible to me given that dynamic. Could you both better communicated expectations regarding this all - sure, but you didn't and here you are. Once you realize your MIL isn't trying to run your life, but rather - hold on to hers, you'll be able to treat her with respect and compassion while still living as you would like. This is your wife's mother, your children's grandmother - is it worth mucking that all up over territory? I think what you did with the tile samples was perfect. I would suggest continuing in that manner - I think she'll soon feel less threatened and back off. Either that or she'll be picking out what schools to send your children to!

Burt
It sounds like you and your wife have a good plan on the floors. Replacing things as needed and choosing what you like with MILs input. You sound like a wonderful Soninlaw. If she's like my elders she will probably enjoy the changes you make more than she thought she would at first. Who does she cook for? Whose child is it that she babysits? Just curious as to who gets the benefits of this. It sounds like it is still her kitchen. That would be fine with me. Lol

tacy022- Thats a good idea. My wifes godmother is ALWAYS inviting her out on the weekends and during the weekdays. To lunch, dinners, get togethers etc. But she always refuses and just stays home. My wife talked to her godmother and she even agrees that she needs to start focusing on other things instead of just staying home cooking and babysitting. So they basically decided that my wifes godmother would just stop by and say "we are going out." She really does need it.

pammac- Be our slave? Im not sure if I am interpreting you're comment correctly, but we cater to her at all times. She literally has to do nothing but relax and enjoy life. My wife and I, as well as some other members of the family have constantly told her to get active. All she does is babysit her granddaughter, cook, and thats it. Some of her gym friends always invite her out, but she always refuses and sticks to her same routine, which is why the whole family agrees, is making her grumpier.

OK people, how about another perspective? When your mother was young, women could NOT work and had to accept being a housewife. That meant her 'domain' was limited to her home. Tastes change and some people change their tastes, but some don't. Perhaps that flower stuff was very coveted at one time, so she 'sees'it as very special. Chances are the she's never had a chance to go back to school or to learn everything we take for granted, so she is 'stuck' in the 1940-50 mindset. Her attitude may not be about power, but about respect. If she poured her heart and soul into the house, you treating it like it's garbage is dissing her life! Maybe you could help her find something else to find value in herself in. Maybe she could join some group and/or do something beside be your slave? Exactly how many years would YOU work for NO pay?

I hope you are kidding.

EVICT HER!!!!
Teach her a lesson, and put her in her place.

You know 70 is not that old. If things are working the majority of the time thats good. But, I suggest that your wife sit down with her and explain that this is now your home. She is not so old to realize that it needs to be moderized. I like that you will include her is some decisions but you have to nip things in the bud or they will just get worse as she ages and you will pay for it. My husband bought our home and had it remodeled before we married. His Mom had a lot of input. The drapes and curtains were done by her. But, after we were married she would bring items over and make comments about my decorating. My taste was much different than hers. My husband privately told her that he thought she should allow me to decorate as I wanted. Sconces were a big thing in the 80s. I had a set in the l/r and a set in the dining room both with orange candles on eggshell colored walls. The carpet was multicolored Fall colors. We were standing in the dining room when she came in and tool my candles out and put white ones in. We were in shock. She said nothing and walked right out the door. I went around and took the white ones out and put mine back. My husband probably said something to her later in private since she never tried something like that again. Yes,e butted heads alot. Told husband never to expect me to live with her. Because, it would be her house her terms.

realtime - Thats actually great advise regarding the decorating. We will look through her stuff and use any of it. There are a few items that we like. So that might make her feel a little at ease. We are not trying to be bullies here, we just want some compromise on her part.
We have decided to go ahead and install the new hardwood flooring. The tile in the living room is already cracking, and since its old fashioned tile, there is nothing comparable to replace it. We brought home samples last night (only samples that we like) and asked her which ones she liked best. She seemed a bit enthusiastic that we actually asked her, So hopefully thats a step in the right direction.

This is sounding like a lifelong sentence, and it could be a very long one! Many years of the same could be ahead. She must expect you to stay there with her and let her live there until she passes away, providing the services for her that she needs since she gave the home to you after all. Is this what you have signed up for? If there is to be a going forward together like that, there needs to also be compromise.

SHE CAN ONLY CONTROL IF YOU LET HER!? JUST KEEP DOING WHAT YOU NEED TO DO...EVENTUALLY SHE WILL STOP COMMANDING!

It is simple. Either tell her this is your house now and you will decorate it anyway you want, or continue to ALLOW her to bully you and get her way. You cannot have it both ways and have any peace. Maybe suggest she get her own place. You also need to sit down with her and tell her what you will allow her to do in YOUR house, and how she will relate to you two. Controlling people only get that way, when they get their way! Stand up for yourselves!

Open Communication is the key to every situation. If she is not demented and not in need of total care at this time- talk about her wishes and be realistic with how you would be able to help with those needs. She has given you a very valuable part of her investment and I can imagine even when done with total surrender can be hard to let go. Either way there would be a sense of loss on her end and a sense of excitement on your end. Talk it out be open. I cant beleive the passive agressive responses in the other posts. When you are caring for someone and love them be real about the situation while all the faculties are still in place. I like that you have given her small choices that really dont affect you greatly.

MaryKathleen, If the MIL was having trouble making the mortgage payments, etc., I doubt she can afford assisted living or an apartment. And since she gave away the house, she can't sell it and use the funds for rental.

I don't understand why you have to be "gentle with this". You don't have to be mean, just firm. This is your house, you are paying the bills and it is in your name. I agree with Stacy B. Grandma can decorate her bedroom, but you are going to redo the rest of the house. Is this your wife talking? Is she the one who is still under her mother's thumb? If your MIL really doesn't like it she can always go to assisted living, or get an apartment. If I sound mean, I just am like a lot of people here, you are an adult and it is YOUR house.

Also, Burt, regarding the "old lady" style of decorating and your wife's desire to update things --- I'm older than your MIL and have seen so many styles come and go. A few years ago it was all shabby chic, and people were paying silly prices for poorly made stuff just because it was old. Recently it's been "mid-century" --- late mid-century, actually, the sixties and seventies --- and people are dying for items from what is generally recognized as being one of the worst periods in history for design. These fads get old fast. When you and your wife redecorate, assess your MIL's stuff for quality. If it's good, solid stuff, try to work it into the decorating scheme, because quality is always more satisfying that schlock. Make sure you're not jumping on a decorating bandwagon that has already left the gate. I guess this is kind of beside the point of this thread, but ....oh, well. Good luck.

Realtime - Yes I agree. We got a heck of a deal. You probably are right about the miscommunication. It should have been more clear on both parts. We assumed that when she said "its ours, im done with the responsibility" we thought it meant doing things our way. Guess that's not what she meant. You've also made me realize that she is not necessarily trying to be controlling. Thank you for that.
Sendme2help- My wife is pretty much frustrated as well. I have to be gently with my wife on this issue since I know first hand, that being in the middle can be stressful. But I have brought up the advise from this thread and she agreed to give it a try.

Did I miss it? Where is your wife in all of this?

Burt, sorry, but no one should try to mess with Mil's position in the family. You are correct, it is cultural, traditional, and it is irrelevant what the paperwork or finances say. It is, was, and forever will be her home. Her house, her rules.
Acceptance will help you. Some things just cannot be changed.
IMOP.

Burt, Thanks for answering those questions so completely. I have to say that I think I get where your MIL is coming from. You and her daughter lived with her in order to save for a house, and she had a house that was becoming a financial burden to her. It probably seemed to her like a win-win situation to hand the ownership of the house over to you. This allowed you to start building an economic foundation for your lives, and gave her more financial flexibility. But...and I'm not sure I can express this precisely...I wonder if she saw it as actually handing over the house, that is, the decor, the colors, the ambience, or rather as handing over the value of ownership, the asset, the benefit of her previous investment. Does that make sense? After all, assuming there was a 30-year mortgage, she had already put 18 years of payments into the house. Even with the refinancing to pay off your BIL and to make improvements, it sounds to me as if she gave you a heck of a deal! If I've got it right, that was a fundamental, philosophical misunderstanding, but not an issue of "control." Okay, now the three of you are together for what may be many years. I agree that you need to make the home "yours" and there are several good suggestions about that on this thread. I'd just like to suggest that you frame the issue, in your own mind, not as a matter of your MIL wanting to "control" you, but as a matter of making the best of an unfortunate misunderstanding on both sides.

Sorry. Keep forgetting to answer that question. Basically we originally ended up simply taking over the existing loan, and transferring everything over to our names. there was about 12 years left on the mortgage, but we ended up pulling out money to buy out my brother in law (MIL wish) and at the same time for the home repairs that I mentioned earlier. Even then after pulling out money, our monthly mortgage payment/rates are a good one, so no complaints there. I know we could have sold it and start fresh somewhere else, and take MIL with us, but we wanted to stay there because the house does have so much potential. Plus we wanted to keep it for the sentimental value that it has to my MIL.