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Dad is 86 just had an accident 4 days ago. Everyone involved is ok but it was his fault. His car has about 4000.00 worth of damage and is sitting in front of our home. His insurance only covers other drivers not his car. He has spent the morning calling car adds and wants us to take him to look at cars. He is looking at ones that cost under 1000.00. Point is he should not drive anymore and we have nicely so far told him we will not take him and that he should not drive.he only has one good eye anyway. While trying to talk to about this he makes excuses like he couldn't see over the front end of the other car or the sun was in his eyes. He says he has to drive or he will go nuts. I say that's better than killing someone or yourself. I think he is being selfish with no regards for others. I know this is going to be a battle and make our home a living hell. How do you deal with this? I have had 3 doctors tell him not to drive but won't go any further. I'll add he is a very let's say cranky man. Help please.

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Dupont24, one thing I have learned is whenever to take away something from an elder, you need to replace it with something else. Check around to see what type of mini-bus transportation would be available for an elder, or find a taxi service that is affordable.

Once my Dad stopped driving because of a medical condition, which I had thought would be temporary, I became their chauffeur, and my folks wanted to get out the their house at least 3 times a day. So I had to use up my vacation/sick days, and eventually half days without pay to accommodate my parents. That was so foolish of me, I should had put my foot down at limited the driving because it wasn't temporary, it was permanent. Now six years later, I can barely drive as now I get too nervous behind the wheel from trying to juggle my work schedule :( Please don't let that happen to you.
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You are onto something we keep running into: the lack of a "guidebook" to help us navigate into the world of caregiving. There are a lot of books about this or that particular component or illness or syndrome, but I've yet to see something published about caregiving and would have given my left arm for one a few years ago when I started caregiving again.
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My dad lives with us my stepmom
Passed a few years ago. I hadn't thought of him taking our keys but I guess I better start thinking outside the box. I wish there was a help book like when I had my kids. Kind of a guide book. The not driving may just be the last straw with him in our home. My husband said if he somehow gets a car and continues to drive he is going to have to move out and I understand it. Thank you fir responding.
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Yes, you will need to keep strict control over all the car keys in the house. If they are still in their own home, take the car to your house or sell it, so he can't use it for trade-in. If mom still drives, she needs to keep her keys under her control at all times. My dad would stake us out and was always looking for the opportunity to snatch car keys and go for a joyride. Made him feel like a kid, I guess, but dangerous, dangerous, dangerous.
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Is he living with you? Then, you set the rules. By the way, you are going to have to lock up your own keys. I saw my FIL go out and get a tractor started that hadn't ran in 2 years.
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Thank you for your posts. As I type he is still looking at cars. My husband and I will stick to our guns and not take him to look at any. As for the doctors they have not revoked his license only told him he shouldn't drive anymore. I'm going to check out the DMV see if anything they can do. I'm truly scared for him to be on the road. So much has changed in just a short time. It's like my life revolves around him and I feel I'm short hanging my kids.
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You are in the perfect situation to do what you need to do: take the keys away, get rid of the car. My dad did a similar thing, only he side-swiped all the cars on the street, doing tens of thousands of dollars in damage to those cars. When he tried to get his car repaired, i went to his home, asked my mom to come into the room, held my hand out and said, "Dad, give me the keys". I kept my hand out and kept repeating it until he handed them over. Similar experience a few years later with mom. It's important that you find any spare copies of the key dad may have hidden, and that mom keep her keys out of dad's reach at all times. Pain in the butt, yes, but the only way to keep him (and anyone that might be unlucky enough to be in his way) safe. This is the point when we grow up, probably one of the first and most difficult tasks involved in the parent/child role swap that old age brings with it.
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No, he will not go nuts from not driving, he just hates to give it up which is understandable and probably his judgement is such he does not understand why he should have to. You could see about a specialized driving eval with an OT as well as the doctor visit, and that might or might not help him see what he realy can;t do safely anymore, and might or might not help with the emotional aspect. One good eye alone does not make you unable to drive but I would suspect there are other factors like spatial perception and reaction time, and of course those excuses are nonsense - every driver has to be prepared to deal with those sorts of things without having a wreck.

There is a DMV procedure to go through that would get him a letter stating the facts. It will vary a little bit state by state. Typically you can make a report yourself and it can be anonymous. Just being told by the doc you should not drive if no actual report was made to the DMV - and in a voluntary reporting state, which has certain positives, they may not do this unless you specifically ask them to - does not automatically remove the license. The conversation may have seemed optional and casual for him, like other medical advice that a lot of us don;t necessarily take seriously even if we should. The insurance company should do a cancellation letter if they have grounds to, and I'd think they might - was he ticketed? Will the premium go sky high if they don't cancel outright? It is not generally legal to drive without insurance and maybe he can understand that.

You can sympathize and agree with him that not driving any more really sucks, but be very firm. If there are things you can do to soften the blow, like offers to take him places every so often or even whenever he wants if it is practical, you can try that. I'm glad nothing worse happened than the loss of a good car.
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Well guess what? He does not even have a license. Once a doctor tells you not to drive, your license is suspended until that same doctor says you can. Check your state laws if you don't believe me.
Now why on earth would you get a car for someone who has no license?
Now go take the plates off the wreck and turn them in and save the receipt.
Notify the insurance company to cancel him. Be sure to tell them HE DOES NOT HAVE A VALID LICENSE ANYMORE and what the MD's said.
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