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Grandma's funeral is Friday, I called our local paper and put an Obituary in for her so all her friends who we could not find their numbers could know of her passing. Apparently the fact that my half siblings were mention as part of 9 grandchildren and no in laws were mentioned (THE LADY WRITING THE OBITUARY ACTUALLY TOLD ME THEY DON'T MENTION SON AND DAUGHTER IN LAWS BECAUSE IT CAUSES CONFLICT AND PEOPLE CALL YELLING AT THEM) passed off my uncle's wife. My uncle called my aunt flipping out on her that 9 grandchildren were mentioned and not the 5 who are from the 4 siblings. Here's the thing, my grandma considered my half siblings as her grandchildren, she was GRANDMA to them as well and they're heartbroken she is gone. I couldn't leave them out and the news reporter said that they would be counted as the grandchildren and she would not mention they were step grandchildren. The reporter and I went over this obituary with a fine tooth comb purposely editing it and re drafting it to avoid offending anybody. She and I were on the phone for more than an hour. Now I could have been spiteful and just mentioned my siblings and myself and how much she meant to us. The reporter didn't even mention my dog like she said she would, but I'm not mad about it. I was highly pleased with the obituary as was friends who read it. I'm just frustrated. There is no need for anybody to be carrying on the way my uncle's wife is carrying on. He also went as far as to yell at my aunt (his sister) that he is speaking at the funeral and he is speaking first. I don't care I'm more than happy going last because my words are my own and not the words of anybody else. We sadly had to warn the Rabbi about the bulls hit he's going to be walking into and he joked about the fact that my aunt is a "goyim" who is causing too much trouble and that Friday will be all about celebrating the life of my grandmother.

I am actually highly relieved that moving forward from Friday that they will not bother with us until she sends my uncle for the diamond earrings, now that grandma is gone we can even go back to setting the house alarm which I told my aunt we should change the code so when he attempts to break in it can't be disarmed.

I have never been more highly disgusted with people and I know they have a right to be at the funeral but it's all a show to his wife. She's going to cry and carry on like she loved and cared about my grandma meanwhile my grandma never liked her. The woman thought she was marrying into a rich Jewish family and in the end it turns out we weren't rich at all. My uncle's wife was never liked by and of the elders in my family. My great great aunt always called her by the wrong name on purpose and my grandfather was only afraid that he would tell her.how much he hated her while he was on his death bed. My grandma always had her pinned as a troublemaker.... If there is any reason why my mom doesn't get along with her brother and her oldest sister is because of the shit storms this woman is forever creating.

I feel like if she makes a scene at my grandma's funeral I won't be able to contain myself. I've been waiting YEARS for the day I don't have to deal with this woman again.

I just keep reminding myself that God don't like ugly and karma will get her.

Any advice on how to make it through the funeral without wanting to tell everyone to go home because it's all an act for them?

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Glad all went well. Now it's time for you and Mom to relax and remember the good times with Grandmother!
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Chicago that earring suggestion was extremely mischievous of you - lol!

Agree that it would save so many disputes if people would be very specific about their wishes; or follow my aunt's good example and give their jewellery away while they're still alive to supervise. Smart move on her part, and she was still around for us to thank her.
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Blimey! I am glad I was the only one. I thought what when on with 2 outsiders was bad enough. Mum's funeral was by invite she had made a list when she was alive and kept updating it. So I respected her wishes as far as I could
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When I mentioned to my siblings that if I had to sell all of mom's things to pay for her care, if she goes into a memory care nursing home, then I would.
My younger brother started having a major fit calling all my siblings telling them that there were two gold coins that my dad had been holding for him in his safe (mind you, my dad passed in January) and that he wanted those back. He said they were a five dollar coin and a ten dollar coin. I guess my brother must have seen them when they were in my dad's safe and was guessing at what they were. They were a twenty dollar and 50peso gold coins. I said there wasn't a five or a ten dollar gold coin in there and if there had ever been they weren't any longer. I have slimy relatives. If you can't provide proof, then you can say anything after that person passes away. These things should all be taken care of prior to your loved ones death, otherwise SOL.

If your "aunt" causes a stink at your grandmother's funeral, try to remember that you are there for your grandmother and yourself, to say goodbye. It's a very emotional time and you will soon no longer have to deal with her (hopefully).

So sorry for your loss.
Take care. AND, yes, karma does come back to you.
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What Blannie said ^^^^^.Sleep well, you've' sure earned it.
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I'm so glad it went well for you and your uncle and his wife didn't make a big scene. Now you can relax and just remember your grandmother and honor her memory.
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Thankyou all.... The funeral was nice and very cold. Mostly all family. The Rabbi already knew who some of us were cause he presided over a funeral of a relative of somebody in attendance and he was able to sense the tension. My uncle who made this huge deal about speaking didn't speak and my cousin spoke using one of my rough draft eulogies word for word and added something that my grandmother did for my uncle while he was in the army and pretty much just repeated the Rabbi. Afterwards everybody was supposed to return to my house so we ordered enough food for 35 people as per my uncle and my aunt saying they were coming to the house with their families. Only 7 people came back to the house with us and now we have so much food but because it's Shiva we can't send anybody home with the left overs. (It's hard to explain why) so now we have 56 mini bagels a bunch of salad, tomatoes, onions assorted cream cheeses, whitefish, tuna fish and lox. Hopefully more people will be stopping in otherwise all the food will go to waste.

The only thing that happened was my aunt's husband made a nasty comment that my dog was with us. (My dog is the family pet/ and helps me with anxiety attacks.) NOBODY was offended that my dog was there except for my mom's brother in law and sister in law and the Rabbi even gave the dog a blessing. (Notice the trouble makers are the two people who married into the family)
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It's Friday. We are with you in spirit. Let us know how you are. (((H)))
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If the overly dramatic people start, tell everyone on your side of the fence ahead of time to give them a standing ovation, loud clapping, whistles and all.
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Good luck today Stargazerlily 89!!! We'll be with you..
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If you're working with a funeral home, ask the funeral director for help. Warn him that crazies might show up and try to disrupt things. I'm sure it happens all the time and they know how to disarm situations and quiet the disruptive ones and even make sure they don't sit near you.

Also, have someone with you to help distract either the crazies or you. Also, some people are only nasty in private, so don't let them catch you by yourself. It sucks having to plan around nut jobs, but why should they spoil your celebration of your loved one's life?

The thoughtful part of my brain reminds me that unpleasant people are part of life, so have a prepared statement on the tip of your tongue like, "I'm sorry you feel that way. This service/reception is for people to remember (loved one) and celebrate their life. Your comments aren't appropriate. Please keep them to yourself." (I might write it on a card because I don't think fast under pressure.) Doing that will make you feel prepared and maybe less worried about their drama.

The snarky part of my brain envisions this scenario for you. When you're at a wake or reception, your friends will be keeping you company and if a nut job starts to say mean things to you, one of your friends will melodramatically cover your ears with their hands and cry out, "No, you don't need to hear this! Don't listen. La, la, la, la, la, la, la." Then people will stare at the annoying ones until they go away. Maybe it won't happen in real life, but it makes a nice picture to keep in your head for when you're nervous. Feel free to cover your own ears and La, la,la, la, if you have a theatrical bent.

And because the services will be held on Friday the 13th, you can always think to yourself, "I knew this was an unlucky day. THEY showed up." That way, you can smile when they walk up to you, which may confuse them.

Perhaps you could tell, black humor helps me through a lot of life's unpleasantness.
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Captain, diamonds are just shiny freaking rocks. But the earrings your grandmother helped you put on for your sweet sixteen party are something else again!

Star, about 25 years ago my jewelry was stolen. I got it all back except 2 pieces. Those pieces weren't valuable enough for a pawn broker and that is why they weren't recovered. But those were the most precious pieces to me, because of their associations. Sometimes I still miss them. So I understand what those earrings mean to you. I certainly hope someone is helping you put them on in your old age!
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Emjo- Thank you very much. I wrote my eulogy and had both my mom and aunt in tears. I wrote draft after draft to write the perfect eulogy and tomorrow I will stand proudly to deliver it.

Captain- Its not just the earrings anymore. The cost of the funeral is being completely paid for by my aunt. My uncle hasn't offered to pay for a thing and my other aunt wont even return our phone calls. Instead she calls my uncle or has her daughter call us and her husband return phone calls. She made it a point to let us know via my uncle that one of my cousins was coming and that they will be keeping my cousin away from my mom. (My mom got over the issues with this cousin over 5 years ago) My uncle's wife made a huge deal about the obituary printed for my grandma because it counts my 4 half siblings as grandchildren but has no mention of her being a daughter in law (again the reporter told me they don't mention in laws because people will call and yell at them so they mention next of kin, nieces and nephews if the person doesn't have grandchildren or next of kin) My mom, aunt and my stomach have been in knots all day because we really have no idea how my uncle's wife and daughter are going to behave tomorrow.

Eyerishlass- We really wont be dealing with them after this and sadly we're changing the locks after tomorrow because don't know if my uncle has a key to the house or not. So we don't want to take any chances. It will just be my aunt, my mom and my siblings. My uncle and his family and my other aunt and her family have caused so much strain that we at one point began to regret putting the funeral on hold so that my aunt and her husband can fly up from the cruise they were on when my grandmother passed, even though my aunt kept asking if she should come up or go on the cruise, we were blindsided when she decided to side with her husband and go on the cruise and is now avoiding talking to my aunt and mother and me.

BoniChak, I've decided that my relatives have created their own karma, they will be acting up out of guilt and to hide many lies that were made up. I was with my grandma through all of this. She helped raise me, we've talked about these relatives and she probably wont be shocked as she watches down and sees how they act.
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Lord girl, put these stupid people out of your mind and concentrate on YOU and GRANDMA. You and she both deserve peace right now. I know it's easier said than done, but please don't let these idiots get to you. Prayers to you. Very sorry for your loss.
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I do recall my father telling me about the Irish funerals of his childhood. If a person died so old there was no one left to mourn them, professional wailers were brought in to keen over the body. It was obligatory. So was getting drunk.
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There's always a schmuck in every family. People who start trouble like this have no class. It's a funeral for God's sake. Shut the hell up, pay your respects, then get the hell out. It really is that easy. I'm sorry your family is causing such problems at this time. It's so petty. I hope after grandma's funeral you won't have to deal with them anymore. And don't react to them at the funeral. You're there to honor your grandma not to play their immature games.

I'm sorry for the loss of your grandma.
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seems to be boiling down to diamond earrings. its something like that represents your familys values im shakin my head here a little. diamonds dont mean much in the grander scheme of things imo. shiny freaking rock .
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(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) star - looks like thing are falling into place. My prayers are with you for a meaningful service and several flat times so your uncle and his wife don't make it. I expect you are right that the earrings are wanted to pay a debt. Some people will stoop to any depths - don't I know it. Sounds like people know how she is. You have nothing to prove - your love from your grandmother has shone through. Be at peace - shalom.
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Tltimme, my uncle can't produce squat.... it's his wife who is telling him to go after the earrings. He's not getting them. My grandma promised them to me when she let me wear them for my sweet 16 8 years ago. Said it again when she let me borrow them for my senior prom and said they were mine again when I helped her put them in for a party we were attending. Besides my aunt and mother think he only wants them so he can pawn them and pay off debt. My uncle has not contributed a single dime to my grandma's funeral where as I offered to max out a credit card to help pay.


Sunflo, the amusing thing about that was years ago this woman said she was going to have to take a valuim to get through the service because she didn't want certain relatives to show up. And even went as far as to say she would hire security to tell said people to leave. My mom and aunt both told me they want graveside and plan to pre pay everything. My uncle and his wife are acting like they knew my grandma's dying wishes but don't want to contribute a dime.

Countrymouse, I've decided that I will say nothing and just let her make a fool of herself. She's been doing a pretty dang good job of it these past few days. She's forcing my uncle to speak tomorrow words that she wrote for him. She talked several relatives into believing that my mother was going to start with the same relatives my uncle's wife was banning from the funeral. She's just crazy and gets her kicks out of destroying the family then running back as if nothing happened. But we know better now.
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Stargazerlily, your mother is right. If other people insist on behaving appallingly, that doesn't mean you have to get involved. On Friday think about your grandmother and nothing else.

Meanwhile you could do worse than remember the blessing on hearing of a death - blessed are you O Lord our God, King of the Universe, the Judge of Truth.

Singularly apt for the circumstances, hm? My sympathies for your loss x

PS The rabbi will have seen worse, trust me.
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Ignore them. Have a close friend or relative on the alert for bad behavior and authorize them to confront her and settle her down or ask her to leave if she causes a scene. DONT ALLOW IT. In the meantime ignore it. Save it for a few weeks after and then unload both barrels on her if it makes you feel better.

As for me, I plan no obit for my mom and no funeral. I know her wishes for burial and will honor those, but my brother and I have no interest in a funeral and drama/trauma. She wants it all, but we don't see the point.
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Tell your uncle unless he can produce a receipt or something in writing saying upon her passing the diamond earrings are his, that he is sh*t out of luck. My uncle who was the "black sheep" drunk of the family showed up at my grandmothers wake, stewed to the gills. The funeral director was trying to be professional and said it was just the grief talking, I said no more likely it was the whiskey.
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Thank you. If you have those diamond earrings, you should wear them to the funeral. Better than that, wear some cubic zerconians (sp) and he will swear that you have the earrings on. People that want a relative to have specific items, need to take a picture of them and include the request in their will.
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It sounds like you will have many loving people around you, stick with them!
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Chicago, they're just thinking about what they can get. My uncle swears he was promised these diamond earrings and he wasn't. My grandma bought him a diamond earring when he turned 60, gave money to a diamond tennis bracelet when his wife turned 60 and gave my cousin diamond earrings on her 21st birthday. He keeps asking about these earrings but hasn't contributed a dime to the funeral costs.

It's not a holiday, but it's a grieving time period. It's called Shiva and it's a 7 day grieving period from the day of the funeral and 6 days after. Family and friends come and help the family, they make meals and clean and stuff like that.
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Star, I am not Jewish - but what are they thinking? Isn't this a sacred holiday time for you?
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Chicago, they really are. They're so miserable, especially my uncle's wife. My uncle even keeps talking about diamond earrings and my grandma wasn't even dead less than 4 hours before he was asking about these earrings.

Geewiz, I'm just going to keep reading my eulogy so I can force my way though it without breaking down into hysterics. I have zero regrets. I was with my grandma on her dying days. I held her hand several times even telling her it was okay to let go and I will always love her.

Captain, this woman is more than unbalanced. She has written horrible things about me on Facebook, she allows my cousin to refer to me as a C**t and many other mean things. She's married into the family and she causes the most drama, she bosses my uncle around and was screaming like a raving lunatic in the background when my uncle flipped out that my half siblings were mentioned in the obituary. My grandma helped raise my siblings, they were here almost every weekend and she even took the extra 8 hr trip to another part of South Carolina to see them. My grandma was on the phone with her own sister and she got hung up on by her sister for talking about my half siblings.

If I keep reminding myself that god don't like ugly and that we will be in a graveyard tomorrow, she might end up with an evil spirit following her home.
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every family has an unbalanced nut case or 2. my youngest sister has sent me a couple scathing emails recently. i responded with an apology if i didnt handle things well and she wrote back with an apology of her own. i feel good about that. just a bunch of misdirected anger / emotion.
geewiz' last sentence sums up my feelings also.
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Dear 'Star', sorry for your loss. How to deal with the crazies? Here is what we did - Stay away from them. Ask a few insiders to make sure to sit near you at the luncheon. That way you don't have to hear the discussions. Ditto for the service. Bring a parayer card or something to quietly read while the troble makers are making their comments. Whatever they say will only incense you. Keep an image of your Grandma in your mind to take your thoughts off of the trouble makers. Truly, your time with them is nearing an end. Take the high road so you have no regrets. Drama is reduced when there is only one side to it.
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They must be very unhappy people. They can go ahead and publish anything that they want in the obituaries. But, it will cost them. Tell them to write a memorial and print it. It won't be cheap. :) Why people want to show their arse at a funeral, is beyond me.
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