Please help. My 85 year old mum who I love is healthy and sweet. We were getting along well until a few years ago when my father died and she moved in with my husband and me. With my cruel father at her side she was the perfect victim and I was the perfect rescuer.
Seeing her without him now my struggle with anger over the terrible things she let my dad get away with is a constant unwelcome guest in my heart. Neither of us is perfect but try as I might I have trouble not reacting when first my mother apologizes for past awful event then later insists that I overthink and am too sensitive that I had no call for been an angry child.
Irrational as I know it is just about anything she does feels manipulative. Despite my best efforts my distrust of her intentions poisons everything about the little time I have left with her.
My saintly husband grits his teeth while my mother and I often bicker. Grief for her and my husband, and self loathing wake me at night.
I talk to friends while staying conscious to not wear them out and pray and eat well and do yoga and walk my dogs and journal. I tried AlAnon for several months as well as counseling. Both helped only a little. Their answers to stay in the present to remember that my dear mother is toward the end of her life, make perfect sense. Unfortunately they do not help enough.
Living separately apart from her is not an option nor is it something I want.
If you have had anything near this same problem please let me know that I am not alone. If you have conquered these feelings I would also be grateful to read what worked for you.