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I often, "Daily" get very sad and cry when I think about my father passing away! I havent been very good as a son to him in the past and now I feel so down and need redemption from him, but cant talk with him. I am living with him and my mother whom has dementia; (per his strong request) neither he nor I have any idea how to deal with dementia except giving her meds. I am very fearful of finding him dead in his bed some morning in the future, and my emotions get so powerful that I feel as though I may lose control and go histerical. I really want only to help him live in peace these last few years, but to watch him stand by his sweetheart; loyally and faithfully even though she isnt "her" anymore! I'ts just heart wrenching for me and Im so helpless for him in that regard. I've never witnessed such loyalty and will in a person as I see in my father right now, yet I see him die a little more, and he gets a little more sad each day! It feels like my insides are being torn apart.

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you are not too late in rebuilding a father & son bond,you have taken on board something that happened in the past and you cant forgive yourself that is why you feel guilty and depressed. it was youre dad who asked you to live with him, if he had anything against you whatsoever he never would have done. he loves you as you are. if you feel guilty about the past, saying sorry wont hurt, but it will take a weight of youre shoulders, you may break down and cry, but those words coming from you will make a vast amount of difference in youre relationship. he needs you more than ever to help with the grief he is going through,it is your turn to be strong for him and youre mum. everyone makes mistakes, no-one is perfect but you do need to communicate with him, let him see you are doing the role of a son, go to the doctor, explain you don't know where to turn for advice, tell him to put you in contact with a health visitor to come and visit you and youre dad to explain about dementia, take it from there, you only have a mum and dad once in youre life, enjoy what time you have left with both of them,saying sorry will help you I promise, then forget the past, enjoy the future, it is now your turn to help them both. get help soon, good luck.
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fathers and sons dont have to see eye to eye. let it go and help him with your mother. love and appreciation , forgiveness is just " implied " with men. if i dont punch my grown sons in the face it means i must love them. when my youngest and i have had enough animosity and get to missing each other , either will email the other and tell him to s**k b*lls.. that means ive unloaded the rifle and calmed down , drop by some time.
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Mcintyre, if I were you I'd start with talking to your Dad about father & son or even just man to man type things, and leave the intimate conversations alone for now - they'll happen when they happen. What are his interests, and yours? Any you have in common? You can help him now by being a friend he can lean on. In time you may become a shoulder for him to cry on. These things ARE redemption. Bless you for honouring his loyalty to your mother, too. Try not to be afraid of what might happen. Focus on how much they both need you now. Good luck x
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Oh I so agree with eyerish re trying to take the opportunity to talk with you Dad for sure! I do know that for me, knowing when my Dad passed, I had already said everything I wanted and needed to say to him....same with Mama, that is one thing I have done for sure, is to leave nothing unsaid, letting her know how I admire her, how much my brother and I appreciate the kind of family we grew up in, the love we had, the support. It definitely made it less painful to some extent knowing I knew Daddy knew how much I loved him. I know as well it will help when that time comes to know I let Mama know how much I love and admire her.

Being a caregiver is the hardest thing I will ever do in this life, but in so many ways it is such a huge blessing. And anyone who has seen my posts knows I have my highs and lows and I have had a lot of lows lately....but it seems like after those, God gives me strength to get up and go again.

It does sound like your Dad would welcome the chance to talk with you. I think maybe it is harder for men to approach these topics maybe? My brother seems to struggle as well with these issues....but I hope you will find support here and I hope you are able to talk with you Dad. I believe it could be a comfort for both of you.
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You described your dad as being very loyal, supportive, and loving to your mom right now. That sounds like a man who would be very receptive to his son coming to him and opening up his heart to him. I would encourage you to approach your dad and tell him how much you admire him and how much you care for him.

My parents were my greatest supporters. They were good and kind and giving and loving to me my entire life and there were some years in there where I didn't make it easy for them. As I grew into an adult and we all grew through our tough times I was able to tell them everything I wanted them to know and it was such a gift.

My mom died some years ago and it was so painful. My dad died almost a year ago and I still get a physical pain in my heart when I think of him (which is at least once a day). They died before me, that's the way it's supposed to be. But I am so thankful that I took every opportunity I could to let them both know how much I loved them.

Maybe you're afraid that if your dad were to pass away you'd be responsible for caring for your mom on your own. That's a really scary possibility, I know. That's just another reason for you and your dad to come together now so you can discuss this. Your dad probably doesn't know what to say to you either and because his sweetheart is the one who's sick you should take this opportunity to bridge the gap between you and your dad. You'll be so glad you did.
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I can somewhat Identify with your feelings right now as my Mama has dementia and early onset alzheimers and it seems the longer it goes on the faster it progresses, in spite of getting all the help she needs resource wise, I am living with her 24/7 and care for her constantly and love her with all my heart. I was a Daddy's girl and when I lost him over 18 years ago, I remember having so many of these same feelings, but I made it through all of that in spite of feeling like I could not but now I am feeling like it was only because I had my sweet Mama here with me.

I left my job and moved home two and a half years ago to care for her as I could not bear the alternative, not saying that nursing homes are a bad thing and are a necessity for some situations I realize, just for us I did not want to do it and cherish the time I am here with her. I must admit lately though I am dealing with some extremely difficult sad days as Mama has really taken another downturn and she now sleeps most of the time away....I am on such a roller coaster of highs and lows....she will wake up, start talking a little, drink one of her nutritional supplements, smile, I see that familiarity, and then just as suddenly she seems gone back to that world that I cannot go...I really feel like I understand your feelings.

Yesterday, when she was in one of her deep sleeps, I sat beside her bed and prayed for a very long time. I also talked to her about our life together, how much I admired her and told her that she knew we wanted her to get well, but that we understood if she was just too tired and wanted to go home. I don't know if that is the right thing to do but for some reason it felt right. I have no idea what i will do when she passes, today I am trying to refocus on what I will have to do later as I know I will have to carry on. It seems a little more doable today than it did yesterday. That is not to say it won't be hard again tomorrow. I wish I could have some more encouraging words and knew something to say that would help.

I am finding that all you can do is take one day at a time. I am fearful of walking out of the room for fear I will return and she will be gone. I am afraid to fall asleep at night as I fear she might cry out and I won't hear her, although I feel like I never sleep anymore...It is truly a feeling unlike any I have ever known before.

I do not fear death personally. I have a strong faith and do believe our loved ones are reunited in Heaven, but it feels like losing Mama will be the last family I truly have on this earth and I am frozen with fear at the thought of losing her...and yet I know I will.....maybe soon, maybe later, maybe much later....only God knows when He will take her home. I think in the interim I am trying to believe that what would make my Mama the happiest is knowing that I will carry on after, and that i will be happy. I know that is what she would tell me. I can almost hear her voice telling me, "Now you know I cannot stay forever, and I will be in a better place. I do not want you to be sad when I am gone because you have always been a good and loving daughter so you don't be sad"....I have a feeling your Dad would want the same for you...

Maybe the best legacy they leave is when we carry on with love and courage, but right now, that is a lofty goal...I am still struggling with the extreme sadness. I think it is good to get out and get away, back in the world of day to day life. I am told that constantly, but I am afraid to leave for very long and cannot wait to get back home. Yesterday was a very bleak day, so far today has been a little better....I know life will go on, in spite of not knowing how right now...I will say a prayer for you....I understand your pain.
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I think that a trained professional can help you deal with your feelings. Most people are sad when thinking of their parents' deaths, but if it constantly feels like your insides are being torn apart, I think you deserve some support to help you feel whole. I encourage you to see a therapist.

You sound like a very loving son now. I don't know in what way you were not a very good son at some point. Would it help you to talk to your Dad about this? Why to you think that you can't? A therapist might help you over this hurdle, too, and that would be good for you and for your father.

Have you told your dad how much you admire his loyalty and strength?

Your mother is going to die. Your father is going to die. If things follow the natural order, they will both die before you do. You will survive that, and you can take steps now to make that natural transition a little smoother. Make peace with your father. Allow him to offer you his blessing. If you need help taking the first steps, please seek that help.

You, too, deserve to live in peace.
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