My Mother (85) refuses to allow "outsiders" to help her with meals. How do we deal with this?

I don't think Meals on Wheels can be sent away.
Kind of rude if they're at your door.

We need to remember that our elders will eat much less then we do because their activity level is much less. I notice that with my Dad [94] who is in IL/AL, he will have a light breakfast and light lunch, and for dinner will head down to the common dining room and have a feast. He's happy with that.

Yes, a heart attack will make someone very weak and tired. I remembered my Dad could barely walk after his minor heart attack years ago. It took him many years to get back to being more active... but now his age has caught up with him. I figure at his age, let him do what he wants [I know it is hard for us to put on the brakes as we want to see our parents active again].

Good Luck! I am dealing with a similar situation. My mom is 86 & frail. My dad is 84 with dementia, NPH, urinary incontinence, just got out of rehab after hospitilization for pneumonia. Dad is a big guy 6 ft, 210 lbs. We FINALLY got mom to agree to having an aid come in 2x's a week to bath & shave dad. The aide also does some laundry & abit of house cleaning. My mom is a wonderful woman. She loves Amanda (the aide), however, she constantly complains about how she folds the laundry, makes the bed, washes the dishes etc. We are now TRYING to get her to agree to more help, as dad's 'abilities' have declined since his latest hospitilization / rehab stay. NO GO with mom. "She doesn't want someone else in her house". They live in an attachment to my house, with a full kitchen 2 bedrooms, 1.5 baths, laundry room etc. I understand not wanting someone else in your house. But it is wearing her out and it is wearing me out. I just have to take it day to day, minute by minute, but more and more lately I feel hopeless.

I told my parents that cleaning 2 houses was toouch for me. Told them I found a mom of one of my kids friends who cleaned houses and was very honest and trustworthy. I stayed for the first visit, my parents were impressed. After a while they decided that they would go to church after she got there. When we needed help during the day we found a neighbor , her duties progressed slowly. My parents loved here. I think you showing the caretaker, etc how mom likes things done is key in this workkng out. Have mom involved as much as possible. I think my parents started with the bi monthly cleaner to help me. Maybe explaining that to your mom could work. Good luck

I did the same thing, by the hardest; dad at first had 2, one for personal care, which was fine; he loved her, the other for cleaning and cooking, the problem being she couldn't start right when I really was hoping because her daughter was having a baby, so she couldn't start until the very day I really needed to leave to get back to a function for my son, so it got right down to the wire, but it did work out and everything was fine, except nobody could understand the need to stay, but you all have confirmed that; thanks so, that's the thing to do

I couldn't get MIL to agree to in home PT. I was there the first visit...MIL threw her out. But before the PT specialist left I took her picture with my smart phone. I printed the picture out and left it on MIL's kitchen table. The next time she came to the house...I was there but this time MIL listened and participated. After that is was smooth sailing (I didn't have to be there).

My mother also didn't want anyone in her house. My Dad was still with her. The caregiver we got was wonderful and put up with my mom complaining about the caregiver's cooking etc. My Dad loved her. I don't know what we would have done without her. Sometimes you just have to push hard and get them in there.

i agree with pamstegma. My siblings and I did one more thing,that we learned from another caretaker of a parent. We paid the first year for the caretaker so my dad couldn't let them go. We did this the first two years. I think 1 yr would have been enough. Often they can't justify spending the $ and really want their family only, but once they get used to having someone, they understand.. We never called them caretakers, but companions or friends .
Even when my dad moved to AL, we kept the Caretakers too . Our goal was for one yr till he adjusted to the AL...

You stay there, introduce the outsider and engage conversation until mom is familiar and comfortable with this person. That should not take more than a couple of visits. This also gives you a chance to be sure the aide is one YOU can trust.