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My Mother has Dementia, Osteoporosis, Scoliosis and we believe cardiac problems. She cannot accept the fact the doctors tell her not to drive although she wouldn't feel like it if she did. She has sudden onsets of pain, nausea and blackouts along with confusion. I'm sure it is a result of losing her independence, however, she is upsetting me with constant talk of suicide. This evening it was lashing out at me saying no one wanted her around so she began to threaten again. I do everything for her and she has Hospice. Her pain is under control but her mind seems to be getting worse everyday. She said so many cruel, hurtful, cold hearted things to me this evening. My heart was racing so bad (I have a heart condition). When I told her how I was feeling she responded with 'that's your problem, I'm going to bed' as she turned out the lights. I was in shock since this is not like her. I stood at the door with tears in my eyes when she screamed at me to shut the door because she was cold. I left but drove around a while. She did call me and said that I left so fast, she wanted to know if I was mad at her. I told her no and asked if she was mad at me. She answered no but her voice wasn't right. There have been times growing up and after that she has behaved this way. 'I'm sorry' was never in her vocabulary. She could be very cold and hurtful but never thought she was because she couldn't accept doing something that was wrong. I'm not sure how to handle things now since she told me she didn't need me anymore and wanted to change her will, bank account, cancel Hospice, etc. I told her I didn't care about her things but she what she heard was I don't care .... about you. I've spent 19 years looking out for her and the last 6 months taking her daily food (or she wouldn't eat) paying her bills, driving her to appointments and caring for her night to night while she was vomiting non stop. She takes a time released morphine that has her pain under control and less nausea unless she insists on doing more than she should and then suffers or she forgets to take her med's I have on her nightstand and in the kitchen. Tonight's outburst was extremely difficult for me as we have always been very close and she showed no feeling or compassion towards me and my health. I have a heart condition and am under doctor's care. I don't know if she will forget everything tomorrow or be confused about the things she may remember. It was so stressful I just want to stay away for a while besides preparing her morning and nightly medicine although I can have someone else do that so I can just stay away. I am so hurt and stressed more than my cardiologist would be happy with. Any suggestions on what to expect tomorrow? Is the morphine causing this personality change or is it the dementia and losing independence? Why talk of suicide constantly when she lost her youngest that way which devastated her and she blamed herself although she had nothing to do with it. Should I tell the Hospice RN about her comments? I guess I needed to vent while I'm still in tears and trying to calm down.

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I also find this site amazingly helpful geolin6. I understand they are not themselves with Dementia/Alzheimer's, however it still hurts when they make remarks like she did for a while.
So glad your Dad is feeling better with the structure and routines in the facility and that you are also getting a much needed break after 11 years in your home. Bless your heart.
My Mom would never move in with me. She has always been so independent and head strong. She has had to be during her life but now it is becoming a curse. She hasn't threatening harming herself in quite a while now so you're right, things have settled down in some ways - that being one of them. At the same time, being so independent she wouldn't allow for the aide to assist her with bathing. This was to also look her body over for wounds, bruises, etc. A few weeks ago she asked me to look at something on her tailbone. I was horrified when I saw the wound. The aide came and almost cried when she saw it. Told her it wasn't her fault nor mine seeing that Mother flatly refused help in that way. The Dr's and RN's all call it a bedsore even though she isn't bedridden. It was 3.5 cm, infected and dark black crust flesh. Hospice began treating it from a script the Dr ordered. I took her for debridement last Monday. She has made it ok with little pain. She seems to be losing smell, taste, hearing, feeling and sight at times. There are times when I sit in front of her and she tells me she sees a silhouette but she doesn't see me. Did this to an RN last week also. When she can't see, she will walk right into me and say I need to get out of her way cause she doesn't see me there. She's had eye surgeries to the point there is nothing more they can do. She does sleep a lot, but usually in bed when she needs to nap, like they suggested to her since she rolls on her side. They suppose her skin is just so thin and broken down that it didn't take much for a wound to appear. Going to take weeks for it to heal but it is making progress. Each day is a new day for her ... and me. She is so very confused to the point that she thinks she is fine and wonders why Hospice comes, that she doesn't need them and talks of working in the yard. I just let her talk because I know she will forget in a couple of minutes. When she feels bad she can be so argumentative then can change in an hour and be so appreciative of me and my husband checking her off and on all day and taking care of things. She doesn't accept or realize that her health is very bad a lot of the time. Other days she will say that she doesn't think she will ever get any better. Her oxygen had been 81 for several days until she did some deep breathing. I don't understand why being able to write down 95 is important when we know it will go back down in a few minutes. I have been very patient with her until I am a little stressed or tired. Sometimes I have to walk outside to give myself a talking to. Hospice told me they had seen a big decline the past week. She isn't eating or drinking so she isn't using the bathroom. She'll complain about severe pain in her stomach and side but in 5 minutes she has no idea why we are asking questions about the pain. Mother forgets so we're not real sure what is true or not. Her BP stays on a rollercoaster. Being so tiny, around 74 pounds fully dressed with shoes, she doesn't have much to fight with. Hospice has some great people for me to talk to. They have been great and they tell me I talk and react so much better now than when all of this first happened. She continues to pray that the Lord take her. I tell her that I understand but things will happen when He says so and it isn't on our time. I don't get upset anymore. She will be so frustrated of not being able to remember things and starts getting depressed. I've gotten where I remind her she has Alzheimer's so she has a reason but I forget things and have no reason. It usually makes her feel better and sometimes laughs. I'm so thankful she isn't having horrible pain. I pray that when the time comes, it will be like she wants and leaves this world in the home she loves. Thank you all for commenting. I read each one. Blessing to you geolin6 and everyone that commented also. It's been a great help to me.
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Sounds like things have eased up a bit for you which is good. I find this site very encouraging. Just wanted to share the situation with my dad who was saying some really terrible things which seemed to be his way of trying to gain control over his life which had become uncontrollable due to dementia. Having taken care of my dad in my home for almost 11 years I was he brunt of his comments although he occasionally went after my husband or his grandchildren. I had him in an adult day center but he needed more. When I was able to place him in an assisted living memory care unit he now after a couple of months is doing well. The structure and routines seem to be agreeing with him not to mention he has 24/7 social interactions. No matter what time of day there is always someone to chat with whether a resident or a staff member. It almost seems as if he could be home again but I know all the issues would surface again without the structure and routines at he has in this location. This is a good facility that is giving him jobs to do and working with us to help him feel productive and valued, something each of us desires. We are all adjusting to our new normal. Blessings to you Meonly.
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I'm sorry you're having to go through this. It can be extremely hurtful when a parent says mean or hurtful things, but as others have said, her mind isn't right anymore and aggressive behavior is one of our basic survival instincts. If you haven't found a therapist to help YOU cope with her behavior, I'd highly recommend it -- A good therapist can listen (which is wonderfully therapeutic) and also provide some tools to help you deal with it all.

Blessings to you and yours!
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Thank you all for the suggestions and encouragement. Mother didn't and hasn't remembered any of what took place. I'm really more of a person that is like a duck and let things she says ever so often, just roll off my back. The other night was very unusual and I felt like I was having a melt down. Too many cold hearted things said. I took her some groceries and a meal this evening and she was so appreciative like she has been. Kept bragging on me and my husband about what we do for her. It was really good for me to vent the other night on here to people that understand.
The AL around here are not that great. I'm really want to try and keep her wish of staying at home until the day her mind is completely gone. Hospice is a huge help. After making them aware of what had happened, they have spent some time with her talking. Course, she forgets everything within minutes but something seemed to help. If it wasn't for my husband helping me when I need rest I would be forced to place her somewhere. I know I will never have my real Mother back again and she can't help what she is going through. We've all seen it coming for more than a year.
I knew she would forget that the family was with her Thanksgiving after she fell asleep with us there. She has one, so called friend, that loves to call Mother and brag about everything her kids do for her and make Mother feel bad. The woman gets off wanting to out do everyone. Sure enough, the woman called and Mother told her about all of us being there. Mother told me she was glad I reminded her. Thank goodness she had the conversation just right after I called her.
I agree that it is suicide is a cry for help or really for her, it's more of wanting her family around more often even though I'm there everyday. With her it's also a rebellious act of losing her independence and not accepting it so she'd rather not be alive than to live this way. Jessie, thank you for the hugs and words. I hope the best for you in your situation also. Hugs back to you.
I have really enjoyed just reading things in this group. Everyone is so supportive and just a good place to learn, hear other people's stories and yeah, vent.
I appreciate all of your help. Thank you so much. Hugs to each.
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It sounds like your mother is striking out to hurt you. Why, I doubt that she even knows. She only knows that she is angry and is lashing out. I deal a good bit with anger and hurtful remarks by my mother. I is a very difficult thing to endure. There are only two ways I have found to handle it -- let it roll off or walk away if it is too bad. There is no point to argue, because you most likely won't break through and it will only cause more anger. Many times I deal with the anger by venting here. I go for walks or rake leaves. I don't know what you're able to do with your heart condition, but you can look for effective ways to vent the hurt and anger. And always remind yourself that it isn't you. You didn't deserve what was said or done.

I don't know if your mother will agree to AL or having a professional caregiver come in, but it is worth a try. I realize it is easier to say to do something than it can be to actually do it. Let us know how it goes. Big hugs and good luck.
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The thing that you have to try to remember is that your mom has dementia. Her brain isn't working right. So "calling her" on facts that she gets wrong (like saying she was alone on Thanksgiving) will only confuse her and make you angry and hurt. She can't help it. She can't help that she's being mean and cruel to you. Her brain isn't working right. Your mom's brain isn't healthy any more. So you have to do the best you can to just react to "her reality" and go with the flow. If she was in her right mind, she wouldn't be saying those things to you. But she's not. And with the meds she's taking, she'll be even more likely to be saying off-the-wall things. You just can't take them personally. Your mom's brain is broken.

I agree with Standing Alone, if this is too stressful for you and you're not able to deal with your mom's dementia, then get her into a facility or get some 24X7 help in her home. It's too much for you.
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I agree with Standing Alone. You mother needs to be taken care of by professionals. It was one of the best things I ever did. My mother for the last 25 years has only talked about dying. It really plays on you the caretaker mentally. After she is under someone else's care, you can go back to being just a daughter/advocate. Much, much easier on the nerves. And you will have your life back.
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I'd start looking around for an assisted living facility for her. I'm sorry as hell that you're dealing with such a stressful, awful situation. You can't keep on this way or you're going to end up dead before she is. It doesn't sound to me like she can be left alone anymore, and you certainly can't keep up this pace with a heart condition. I think it's time to think about making alternate arrangements for her, even in home care by a professional most of the time, if she doesn't want to go to an ALF, whether she likes it or not. You don't need this stress. It can, and will, kill you if it goes on long enough. Unless that's what you want, start looking at other options.
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Thank you for the reply. I have been there 7 days a week since summer and after she was released from the hospital for dehydration. I suspected getting my attention even though we had spent the biggest part of the day together. Of course she forgets everything, even that the family was together with her for Thanksgiving, until I called her later on. I was afraid she would tell people she spent the day alone. I hope I can make myself take 2 days a week away. Problem is, she doesn't know what she's suppose to take and would forget if I didn't have them in little cups with a note. Even then she forgets unless I call her to have her take them while I'm on the phone with her so I can make sure she did. She just lives 2 minutes from me. There's no one else besides me. Daddy passed when he was 38, my youngest brother passed at 25 and oldest in the OKC bombing. I had to have help and Hospice has just been wonderful but there are things I still have to do for her daily. Our whole family has passed away. I will talk to the RN tomorrow about the dosage and her comments. That worries me, not that I think she would really do harm to herself but just throwing it in my face the past few days and then the outburst of being cold hearted and hurtful words were just too much for me. She's happy most everyday because she can't remember anything except she isn't suppose to drive. I'm wondering if she will recall any of what was said this evening when she wakes up It maybe mine to deal with since she probably won't remember. She asks me a lot of question about thing since she can't remember anything. When I tell her the truth she lashes out so I told her from now on, when she asks about something, I just won't answer her question because she winds up mad at me.She hasn't and can't seem to accept her health issues. I know the closest one to a person is the one that takes the beating and that would be me and me only. Outside of preparing her med's I could take a couple of days but I'm in charge or the morphine. She doesn't even have it. I will definitely discuss her moods with the RN and ask about an anxiety pill. Thank you so much for your advice.
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Her talk of suicide or wanting Jesus to come get her are both attempts to get your attention, very manipulative behavior. Mood swings suggest she is forgetting her pills. Yes, share the events with the RN, she may be able to adjust mom's meds or add in an anxiety pill. Morphine can make some folks depressed, but they can adjust it. Don't go there 7 days a week. Take time for yourself two days a week , let loose, see a movie, read a book, go for a drive and lunch. Stay sane by letting others carry some of the burden.
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