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So 10 days ago we took Mom to the ER and she was evaluated for assisted living or skilled care. Moms been diagnosed with vascular dementia as well as several co- morbidities. She is now in a secure dementias unit as she tends to wander and was always wanting to call police to investigate who we were and where she was. She hallucinates and has delusions all day every day. We know none of us can care for her on our home or her apartment. Medicare paid for 7 days which run out tomorrow and then we're self pay. Moms resources will run out in a few short months do we're gong through the Medicaid application process. How do you deal with the guilt of knowing you can't bring her home? My heart breaks every time I see her. Now she's taken to asking the nursing staff to call me so she can beg me to take her home. She doesn't really know where home is. The staff tells us she can be redirected and generally settles down after a while. I guess I'm interested in some coping mechanisms for dealing with the guilt. Never in my life did I imagine we would be dealing with this. I do believe Mom is getting good care but my heart breaks every day.

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Weary, sometimes you just have to be in touch with who your mom used to be. This is what she would have wanted me to do if she were in her right mind. And keep telling her that the doctor says she has to stay there in order to get stronger. Hateful disease!
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I'd take solace that you are placing her in a safe environment where she can be taken care of and protected. If she were thinking clearly, she certainly wouldn't want you to be tortured.

If you still can't come to terms with it, try envisioning what daily life for you would be if you had her in your home around the clock. Also, coming to this site is helpful. I think it helps to learn what others have gone through and to share your pain.

Apparently, a lot of people feel guilty about placing loved ones in Memory Care, even when there is no real other option. I'd also explore if you really feel guilty or is it frustration, anger, and exhaustion.

I was so relieved when I placed my cousin, that I cried tears of relief. I knew that I did the right thing and was very proud of that fact. The constant worry over her safety was eliminated. I'd try to cope by looking at the positives.
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So Mom called again last night. I don't u deist and how she does t know where she is or even who we are sometimes but she knows how to find a phone and call me!!

She told me I'm not carrying out her wishes or doing what she wants me to do. It breaks my heart and I'm not sure how to cope. My head believes she's in the right place yet my heart aches. I HATE this disease.

I can only hope and pray she doesn't remember these episodes. They tell me it's harder on me than on her but I have a hard time believing that.
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Weary, I understand how you feel. I recently needed to place mom and dad. They have very different needs so I had to separate them after 60 years of marriage. This was harder on my sister and I than it was on them.
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This is no easy journey, Weary. And as soon as you think you've got it figured out, another shoe drops. Stick around, there's lots of good company here.
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Thank you both! I will stay in touch. You've both been very kind to me and to many others. Very much appreciate that kindness.

I thought Mom was adjusting well but when I got that call last night it was like a ninety foot drop. Others have also said it will take time. Its just al very new to me and my sibs.
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Regret that mom can no longer live independently? Ineffable sadness that she will end her days in a facility? Anger that she has this awful disease? Yes. But guilt? Guilt is for when YOU'VE done something wrong. This is not your fault, not mom's fault. It is just the new reality, and you are all adjusting to it.

It sounds as though she is in a good place. This phase of wanting to come home may pass. Or not. She may need meds for agitation at some point. Or not. But try not to beat yourself up, and if you are having trouble letting go of the guilt, please seek some professional therapy or counseling.

And please let us know how you and yiur mom are doing. We all learn from each other's experiences here. Take care.
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It is a simple fact that dementia is heart-breaking. That is the reality.

Since most of us cannot function long-term with our hearts breaking every day we do adjust to the reality. It never stops hurting, but we learn to cope. Give yourself time. Be patient with you.

Your mother is where she needs to be. This fact is Not Your Fault. It would be selfish of you to insist she be somewhere that could not provide adequate 24-hour care.

The begging to go home will probably subside as your mom adjusts to where she is. This can take a while -- remember that her brain is damaged. Be glad that the nursing staff can redirect her. That technique may work for you, too.

As you settle in for the long haul, focus on the things your mother can still do, and the things that give her pleasure. The losses are heartbreaking, but focus on what is still there.
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